Marshal Murat
01-27-2008, 02:11
For my English class, we had to write a 'Modest Proposal'. After the fact, I've decided I'm going to continue writing satirical 'modest proposals'. This was the original, so the end it a little more critical than I plan on writing, but thats that.
A Modest Proposal (http://www.uoregon.edu/~rbear/modest.html)
Original J. Swift
My first...
When one walks down the streets of our fair city, one notices crime, corruption, and a general dirtiness to the city itself. On a national stage, we can also find many examples of bureaucracy slowing down and stopping to accommodate special interest groups, newsgroups, and pundits of all stripes and creeds. This should not be allowed to continue on a state, national, or international level.
As such, we, as a nation, must change the very framework of our nation. As such, I believe the most viable option is to replace all officials with dogs. This would not only speed up the political process, but this would remove the ‘human element’ from all important decisions. The replacement would also significantly cut down on payments to keep senators fed, healthy, content, and would reduce the human impact on the environment.
Now, many of you may be asking some questions about this proposal. No worries, ladies and gentlemen, my ideas represent the cutting edge of several university studies, as well as the Cato Institute and the New York Times. They have all reached the same conclusions that I have, but aren’t willing to express them so boldly.
Now, the first question that appears is, obviously, why canines? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the answer should be obvious for all to see. Since ‘a dog is a man’s best friend’, one cannot fail to recognize the link that dogs have to mankind, and looking out for our best interests. They’ve protected us from bears, wolves, coyotes, and taxmen. Why not protect us now from bureaucracy, nepotism, and oligarchy? Dogs would provide the needed speed and efficiency, sniffing out with their excellent olfactory the very corruption that one fears the most. They are faster than man, and with four paws, able to do twice the work a normal man can do, and with those four paws, they can dig up crime and evil. History has shown that dogs often make good, moral decisions. For example, Wishbone, Lassie, Ren-Tin-Tin, and many others have all shown a strong moral compass and ability to make intelligent decisions.
Canines, while larger than a mouse or chicken, has his own clothes, and requires no palatial mansions but a simple doghouse. Food and water are simple provisions, and the only requirements for congressional pages would be to give them two walks a day.
Using dogs for this position also decreases the size of not only the House, Senate, but the Presidential mansion. Dogs require only four acres for a full Congressional meeting, ensuring that our capital buildings can be shrunken down, and the remaining space be diverted for parks and sunflower preserves, this according to the Wolfington Institute.
This plan would also encourage owners of dogs not to beat them or harm them, for one day a dog, another a Senator. When your future can be affected by these glorious hounds, one would no doubt think twice about fighting pit-bulls. This would also increase the literacy rate in dogs, since many owners would send their loved ones to schools so that they can make informed decisions.
While many may accuse me of being biased towards canines, I will freely admit that this program was created by me to provide for the welfare of the United States, the protection of mankind, and all her institutes, and while my house does have a dog, my sister takes full responsibility for it, and I have no part in it’s welfare.
One hopes that this idea will meet with general approval, but being realistic means that one has to recognize this will be a long struggle. No longer will dogs be a secondary member of society, but will be the decision makers in our society. Even this year, we have made the first step, with a candidate that has no doubt often worn a leash, Hillary Clinton.
A Modest Proposal (http://www.uoregon.edu/~rbear/modest.html)
Original J. Swift
My first...
When one walks down the streets of our fair city, one notices crime, corruption, and a general dirtiness to the city itself. On a national stage, we can also find many examples of bureaucracy slowing down and stopping to accommodate special interest groups, newsgroups, and pundits of all stripes and creeds. This should not be allowed to continue on a state, national, or international level.
As such, we, as a nation, must change the very framework of our nation. As such, I believe the most viable option is to replace all officials with dogs. This would not only speed up the political process, but this would remove the ‘human element’ from all important decisions. The replacement would also significantly cut down on payments to keep senators fed, healthy, content, and would reduce the human impact on the environment.
Now, many of you may be asking some questions about this proposal. No worries, ladies and gentlemen, my ideas represent the cutting edge of several university studies, as well as the Cato Institute and the New York Times. They have all reached the same conclusions that I have, but aren’t willing to express them so boldly.
Now, the first question that appears is, obviously, why canines? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the answer should be obvious for all to see. Since ‘a dog is a man’s best friend’, one cannot fail to recognize the link that dogs have to mankind, and looking out for our best interests. They’ve protected us from bears, wolves, coyotes, and taxmen. Why not protect us now from bureaucracy, nepotism, and oligarchy? Dogs would provide the needed speed and efficiency, sniffing out with their excellent olfactory the very corruption that one fears the most. They are faster than man, and with four paws, able to do twice the work a normal man can do, and with those four paws, they can dig up crime and evil. History has shown that dogs often make good, moral decisions. For example, Wishbone, Lassie, Ren-Tin-Tin, and many others have all shown a strong moral compass and ability to make intelligent decisions.
Canines, while larger than a mouse or chicken, has his own clothes, and requires no palatial mansions but a simple doghouse. Food and water are simple provisions, and the only requirements for congressional pages would be to give them two walks a day.
Using dogs for this position also decreases the size of not only the House, Senate, but the Presidential mansion. Dogs require only four acres for a full Congressional meeting, ensuring that our capital buildings can be shrunken down, and the remaining space be diverted for parks and sunflower preserves, this according to the Wolfington Institute.
This plan would also encourage owners of dogs not to beat them or harm them, for one day a dog, another a Senator. When your future can be affected by these glorious hounds, one would no doubt think twice about fighting pit-bulls. This would also increase the literacy rate in dogs, since many owners would send their loved ones to schools so that they can make informed decisions.
While many may accuse me of being biased towards canines, I will freely admit that this program was created by me to provide for the welfare of the United States, the protection of mankind, and all her institutes, and while my house does have a dog, my sister takes full responsibility for it, and I have no part in it’s welfare.
One hopes that this idea will meet with general approval, but being realistic means that one has to recognize this will be a long struggle. No longer will dogs be a secondary member of society, but will be the decision makers in our society. Even this year, we have made the first step, with a candidate that has no doubt often worn a leash, Hillary Clinton.