Assignment 4: Post Here!

This thread is for participants in the Mead Hall Writers' Society to post finished writing for the Lesson 4 material.

The boy slowly walked along the sidewalk, hands in his pockets. The brick houses lining the sidewalk cast desperate shadows over him. The midday traffic was loud and every four or 5 seconds a car would honk or someone would roll down their window and yell at the person in front of them something like, “Go on!” The trees around him were still and the breeze running through the street made them seem to be frightened. He kicked his foot along he ground, sending several pieces rolling along the rough, dark coloured cement of the sidewalk. No birds were singing. Not even the ones that were always chirping in the trees by his house. The sun was nearly hidden by dark rain clouds, which were being swept quickly toward him by wind. The other people around him were either biking down the dark pavement street or getting into cars and sending up dark puffs of gas from the back pipe of the car as they sped down the road. He sighed and walked finally down the street toward his house.

The boy ran along the road, jumping once in a while. There were no shadows in his sight and the sun was shining brightly. He saw and heard the bluebirds and robins building nests or flying while singing. There was no traffic in the street and except for two or three cars, there were not any others. The trees were saying back and forth, the sun making the leaves on the trees branches light up, and be almost
See through.
He skipped along the sidewalk looking in the window of a store that cars and smiling at the two hundred forty thousand dollar price tag of a shiny, blue and red striped, van, which looked to be new. Then he looked at a house that was new, and he saw on it was a sign saying it was on sale for two hundred fifty thousand dollars.

The streets were busy and it took a lot of concentration to avoid people, something which can be difficult if your eyes continually seek the floor whenever they can. It’s not that I’m evading the world, rather the inevitable questions that follow chance meetings with old friends, besides I had other things to concentrate on.
I knew this road well; I had trodden its pavements for many years, never thinking anything of it, believing the grey asphalt to be eternal, as my youth had felt. It was unrecognisable as the semi-bucolic lane from my childhood, its old decaying heart ripped from it, before it could fester. The skeletons of new mid-rises stood dark and grey against the blue sky, plastic sheeting that hung from those concrete bones fluttered gently in the wind.
I kept trudging toward my destination, determined to be prepared before the end, the grimy sidewalk matching my demeanor. On the corner was the first Presbyterian Church. Its old crumbling façade needed more than the twenty dollars at Sunday alms to stop it from falling apart, and I in turn, needed the church to stop falling apart.
I was broken from my reverie, by a woman that pushed past with a broad grin on her face, unaware of how fortunate she was. I just stood for a while and watched her go. At least I’d provided for my daughter; I hoped she’d enjoy her life more than I had.
The gentle humming of the neon cross slowly brought me back to myself. The lurid pink crucifix had never been to my tastes and even now I did not have the heart, or even one decent lung, to forgive it. It seemed to say ‘Worship outlet here’ amidst the burger bars and boutiques. Even this sanctuary had to change with the world, beyond though, I was glad that its great green churchyard remained steadfast. It stretched away scattered with granite and marble stones; one destined for me. It was the last link to that childhood boy who’d walked up and down this street. At that moment and for the first time in my life, I was looking at the past, present and future simultaneously.

The town had finally become my playground and full of promise. The worn pavements, whilst not made of gold had a lustre that yesterday would have been impossible to see. I had a skip in my step that belied my good mood; the inheritance lawyers had cleansed all my doubts and gloom.
The old had been swept away with the beautiful possibilities of the new and the street reflected that. There were developments everywhere, the futuristic glass and steel gave the road an element of a new frontier where the long encrusted grime was replaced by hi-tech cleanliness. It was exciting and now I could be a part of it.
The retail outlets all shone their signs at me as I walked, enticing me to part from my new found wealth. I had a strange urge to get a pedicure, a new haircut and a pair of killer heels. Finally, I felt as if I could look as good as the all the pretty girls who stared seductively from their advertising boards.
I wanted to be all the things my dad could never achieve, he’d spent his days walking these streets, however, despite their new allure, I could set my hopes further. The TV world of designer flats and luxury holidays would be my credo and I harboured dreams of moving uptown.
I came to the soot stained church where my father was interred and I paused to think of him, the man who’d deserted me and made me faithless had left me a horde of my new god, lucre.
The granite edifice hadn't evolved and a property developer had posted huge billboards outlining their view of a new dawn for the acres of green space at the back. The churchyard was being moved wholesale to the suburbs, ironic that in death my father would finally be in the neighbourhood he’d aspired to. The tacky pink cross was blinking on and off at irregular intervals, the sign was coming to the end of its days, as was the church. I was just beginning mine.

Even though it was nearly noon, it was still fairly dark. The sun and the sky were obscured by low, grey clouds. Although the pavement was still mostly dry, it had started to rain. The people on the busy sidewalk scrambled to deploy their umbrellas and don their hoods. A man wearing a long, brown coat stepped out of one the buildings adjacent to the street. He stood there for a moment, put his hands in pockets, and began to walk down the street. He was not looking ahead, but down at the pavement, with his chin buried in the coat, and sinking deeper with every gust of wind. He walked slowly. The people walking in the same direction as him seemed to pass him no slower than those walking in the opposite direction. Though the sidewalk was busy and he was not looking ahead, he did not bump into people. The mass of people parted before him and closed behind him with perfection. As he came upon a small street, he began to cross without looking, and stepped in front of a yellow taxi, which was forced to brake hard, locking its wheels and skidding on the slippery asphalt. The man did not notice until the taxi driver honked at him, and began yelling obscene language out of the open window. Other people barely took notice of the incident. The man then came upon a bigger street, and stopped as the traffic light was red. A woman stopped next to him, and their eyes met for a moment, but both quickly glanced away. The light turned green, and the man started across the street, though with a half-second delay compared to everyone else. Across the street, the man came upon an entrance to the subway, and walked down the stairs, slipping below the surface.

***

Even though it was still raining lightly, patches of blue could now be seen through the overcast. Some of the people on the busy sidewalk began to stow their umbrellas and remove their hoods. A man wearing a long, light brown coat stepped out of one of the buildings adjacent to the street. He stood there for a moment, looked up at the sky, and then took off his coat and extended his arms. After a moment, he slung his coat over his arm, and started walking down the street at a quick pace. Wearing just a light sweater, he was drawing the attention of most of the passers by, who were all dressed in heavy coats and gave him looks of confusion, though most with smiles. He picked up his pace, and often nearly bumped into people, more than once doing that awkward dance that happens when you can't agree with a stranger on which side of each other you should pass. As he came upon a small street, he nearly stepped out in front of a yellow taxi, which began to brake, as the man quickly hopped to his side and behind the car, allowing it to pass by unimpeded. The driver gave him a quick wave as he merged onto the main street in front of a slow-moving bus. The man then came upon a bigger street, and stopped as the traffic light was red. A woman stopped next to him, and they looked at each other.
She smiled at him, and asked, "aren't you cold?"
"No! Why would I be?" he answered with a smile.
"Well, it's --" she was interrupted as he put his coat around her shoulders, even though she was already wearing a coat.
She laughed, but before she could say anything else, the light had turned green, and he was already halfway across the street. On the other side, he came upon an entrance to the subway, but as he walked toward it, a nearby bar caught his attention. He stopped, looked at his watch, shrugged, and walked into the bar, followed by the woman who had his coat.

One-

Ned took the four steps down to the sidewalk one at a time. Each strike of shoe leather on concrete jarred him, as if he had expected to step off into eternity only to be brought up short. He stopped, and turned to look back at the steps. His hands knotted to fists and came up slowly, then fell limply to his sides. He pushed them into his jacket pockets, apparently not willing to let them roam loose but unable to maintain the attention needed to control them.

The sidewalk was busy, for a small town. More people headed north than south, and he turned that way, though his car was parked half a block to the south. People he met he sidestepped without meeting their eyes. Those who came behind him passed him by. He passed no one, though he did not walk particularly slowly. He was just lacking the bustle that everyone else had, everyone who would be out on a sidewalk in the mid morning hours at least.

At the end of the block a dozen people waited for the light to change. Ned stopped in front of the store on the corner; women's clothing. He looked vacantly at the window displays, well back from the small crowd, waiting like them but not with them. Then when the light changed he didn't move to cross the street. His feet didn't move at all, but his head slowly lowered until it touched the glass.

~finis~

Two-

Fred bounced through the office doors and down to the sidewalk, taking the worn concrete steps two at a time. His briefcase banged against his knee as he landed, and he stumbled, threatening to bump into passing pedestrians who glared disapproval.

He raised the offending briefcase in salute, by way of apology, then held it at arms length in front of him and peered at it from under a raised eyebrow. He grinned wildly. Transferring his grip from the handle to a two hand grip he continued to hold the case in front of him, now with both arms extended. The grin disappeared, displaced by a look that matched the posture, or would have had the briefcase been a wastebasket holding something slightly foul.

In three quick steps he reached a public trashcan by a bus stop and dropped the case. His grin returned, threatening to release outright laughter.

The case had struck the side of the can, adding another scuff to its well worn surface. Fred had slavishly carried that case up and down those steps five days a week for the last six years. As he sauntered down the street he did not spare it a backwards glance.

~finis~

edit: re-opening for a potential late submission.

Just a note: I will have lesson 5 material up before 5 AM GMT.

Stepping out of the clinic did not bring the breath of fresh air to Lucy’s tight lungs. It brought exhaust, billowing up in waves of nauseating heat from the asphalt. The parking meter by her car announced with a big red arrow “EXPIRED!” to the world whipping by. And of course, the rush hour traffic was unaffected by this announcement of finality. They all kept at their habitual tailgating, squeezing three cars through the intersection after the light had turned red.

The meeting with the doctor had taken longer than expected, but it was the walk back to her car, down the sidewalk that really seemed to take forever. The sun blared mercilessly on the back of her neck. It wouldn’t stop. It glared along the top of her shirt collar, like an X-ray gun from an old sci-fi movie. She was the alien now, caught it the infra-red cross hairs. She was escaping as in a slow motion dream to her car which suddenly seemed unrecognizable. When did those dents in the door appear?! Why is so much rush showing on that ledge?! Can’t anything just keep in one piece anymore?!!!

Lucy unlocked the door, slumped exhausted into the drivers seat and dragged the door behind. Here was more hot air, suffocating and stuffy from hours of loneliness in the sun. She started the engine and jabbed fiercely at the AC button, hoping for some respite, but really expecting none.

Click-click-click-click chirped Lucy’s sassy high heals along the sidewalk. Sure the meeting in the clinic had taken longer than expected. The red “Expired” tag on the parking meter alerted all to her blatant disregard for city ordinances pertaining to parking. As she sauntered down the sidewalk, the back of her neck burned with the evening summer heat. It was the same sun that would roast her to a golden crisp, sitting on a white lawn chair, cradling a diet soda, aboard the cruse ship Celebration in exactly 4 days. How pleasant for the sun to take an early interest in her tan.

The city traffic blared by as the common workers followed their prescribed tailgating patterns home to their identically dull studio apartments and condominiums. She fingered the yellow phone page she had eagerly ripped out of the phone book on the way out of the doctor’s office, labeled Realtors. She gazed with disdain at her car which had somehow picked up a few extra dents since she last paid attention to it. Her friend, the philanthropist doctor, had mentioned he drove a convertible corvette. She looked up and down the line of parked cars, trying to catch a glimpse of it. Reluctantly unlocking her door, she slid into the driver’s seat. The hot, stuffy air inside very much like the energizing Finnish bastu air. She started the engine, and jabbed at the AC button, eagerly revving the engine to practice for her test-drive of some hot, red sports-car she hadn’t met yet.

Closing for feedback. This will be up sometime in the afternoon GMT on Thursday.

Bibbin

The boy slowly walked along the sidewalk, hands in his pockets Good detail. The brick houses lining the sidewalk cast desperate Ed. 1: Good word. Ed. 2: Great adjective here. shadows over him. The midday traffic was loud and every four or 5 Make sure to spell out numbers... five seconds a car would honk or someone would roll down their window and yell at the person in front of them something like, “Go on!” This sentence has good detail and images but it is too long. Try breaking it up. The trees around him were still and the breeze running through the street made them seem to be frightened Interesting image, but what made them appear frightened? I can guess that the leaves or branches were shaking but you need to tell us. He kicked his foot along he ground, sending several pieces rolling along the rough, dark coloured cement of the sidewalk. No birds were singing. Not even the ones that were always chirping in the trees by his house. The sun was nearly hidden by dark rain clouds, which were being swept quickly toward him by wind. The other people around him Wordy, you could change this to "Others nearby" without losing anything were either biking down the dark pavement street or getting into cars and sending up dark puffs of gas Gas isn't dark and puffy, but exhaust is from the back pipe of the car as they sped down the road. He sighed and walked finally down the street toward his house.





The boy ran along the road, jumping once in a while. There were no shadows in his sight and the sun was shining brightly. He saw and heard the bluebirds and robins Nice to name two actual types instead of just saying "birds", more interestingbuilding nests or flying while singing. There was no traffic in the street and except for two or three cars, there were not any others Unnecessary, this could be trimmed. The trees were saying back and forth, the sun making the leaves on the trees branches light up, and be almost
See through. transparent? May be better to use a single word here

He skipped along the sidewalk looking in the window of a store that Ed. 1: "with", Ed. 2: Maybe "that sold"? Confusing cars and smiling at the two hundred forty thousand dollar price tag of a shiny, blue and red striped van Ed. 1: Pricey van! Does it have gold plated seats?, Ed. 2: oy oy! This really sticks out, might want to lower the price or tell us about the jet engine it has in the back, which looked to be new This could be trimmed - we guess that from the shine and the price. Then he looked at a house that was new Describe how it seems new, and he saw on it was a sign saying it was on sale for two hundred fifty thousand dollars.

Ed. 1: You need some kind of a break between looking at the van and the house, maybe like "continuing down the sidewalk, he noticed a house for sale..."

I think your first one was great. The second was more forced.

Ed. 2: The first one has some great images and great word choice, and it stays nice and focused. With the second one I have a much more difficult time feeling like I'm reading about a real place with the van price and how the van and house are so close together (it seems). Describe the surroundings more.

Ironsword


The streets were busy and it took a lot of concentration to avoid people, something which can be difficult if your eyes continually seek the floor whenever they can. It’s not that I’m evading the world, rather the inevitable questions that follow chance meetings Excellent insight. with old friends, besides I had other things to concentrate on.

I knew this road well; I had trodden its pavements for many years, never thinking anything of it, believing the grey asphalt to be eternal, as my youth had felt Ed.1: good comparison, Ed. 2: I like the juxtaposition between then and now here. It was unrecognisable as the semi-bucolic lane from my childhood, its old decaying heart ripped from it, before it could fester. You could drop this sentence. It seems to clog the other clear images around it. The skeletons of new mid-rises stood dark and grey against the blue sky, plastic sheeting that hung from those concrete bones Ed. 1: What a strong image fluttered gently in the wind I was caught by this because I see it often near where I work, great piece of life here.

I kept trudging toward my destination, determined to be prepared before the end, the grimy sidewalk matching my demeanor. On the corner was the first Presbyterian Church. Its old crumbling façade needed more than the twenty dollars at Sunday alms to stop it from falling apart, and I in turn, needed the church to stop falling apart Nice connection. Ed. 2: interesting character insight, great way to express it.

I was broken from my reverie, by a woman that pushed past with a broad grin on her face, unaware of how fortunate she was. I just stood for a while and watched her go. At least I’d provided for my daughter; I hoped she’d enjoy her life more than I had. This phrase is bitter, begrudging. Is that the tone you were going for?

The gentle humming of the neon cross slowly brought me back to myself. The lurid pink crucifix had never been to my tastes and even now I did not have the heart, or even one decent lung Great way to bring in the cancer! It's clever and brings a half smile, to forgive it. It seemed to say ‘Worship outlet here’ Ed. 1: I'm smiling, enjoying this description, Ed. 2: This is very funny in a grim sort of way amidst the burger bars and boutiques. Even this sanctuary had to change with the world, b. Beyond though, I was glad that its great green churchyard remained steadfast. It stretched away scattered with granite and marble stones; one destined for me. It was the last link to that childhood boy At this point I actually start feeling sorry for the fellow, I'm a sucker for references to youth ~:) who’d walked up and down this street. At that moment and for the first time in my life, I was looking at the past, present and future simultaneously.

What a tight ending. Overall, this is really an amazing use of setting. It gives us a new way of looking at commonplace urban scenes and still gives us insights into the character's situation. Very well done. I would expect to see images like this published somewhere. Are you a published writer?

Very nicely done. This does a wonderful job creating the scene and revealing the character and his situation, but slowly. Nice pacing.




The town had finally become my playground and full of promise. The worn pavements, whilst not made of gold, had a lustre that yesterday would have been impossible to see. I had a skip in my step that belied Word choice, belied means "contradicted" my good Unneeded, the tail end of the sentence dispels any possibility of a bad mood mood; the inheritance lawyers had cleansed all my doubts and gloom Ed. 1: It is a bit confusing until this phrase. Maybe start with it?, Ed. 2: I had no problems with its placement.

The old had been swept away with the beautiful possibilities of the new and the street reflected that Again, the following shows us this, so no need to put it in. There were developments everywhere, the futuristic glass and steel gave the road an element of a new frontier where the long encrusted grime was replaced by hi-tech cleanliness. It was exciting and now I could be a part of it.

The retail outlets all shone their signs at me as I walked, enticing me to part from my new found wealth. I had a strange urge to get a pedicure Ha! This is a great line, a new haircut and a pair of killer heels. Finally, I felt as if I could look as good as the all the pretty girls who stared seductively from their advertising boards.

I wanted to be all the things my dad could never achieve, he’d spent his days walking these streets, however, despite their new allure, I got lost here, might be good to break it into sentences I could set my hopes further. The TV world of designer flats and luxury holidays would be my credo and I harboured dreams of moving uptown.

I came to the soot stained church where my father was interred and I paused to think of him, the man who’d deserted me and made me faithless Intriguing, I want to know more had left me a horde of my new god, lucre.

The granite edifice hadn't evolved The difference in description between this and the "depressed" scene is great and a property developer had posted huge billboards outlining their view of a new dawn for the acres of green space at the back. The churchyard was being moved wholesale to the suburbs, ironic that in death my father would finally be in the neighbourhood he’d aspired to Ed. 1: This is a clever point, Ed. 2: another intriguing character detail, well placed. The tacky pink cross was blinking on and off at irregular intervals, the sign was coming to the end of its days, as was the church. I was just beginning mine.

Ed. 1: Another nice ending... although the middle seems shallow or misdirected -- maybe because it gives conflicting emotional signals. Is this girl happy? vengeful? proud? eager? spiteful? aggressive? cautious? So many feelings to sort through with each hint of information

FLYdude


Even though it was nearly noon, it was still fairly dark. The sun and the sky were obscured by low, grey clouds. Although the pavement was still mostly dry, it had started to rain I want to see this described briefly. The people on the busy sidewalk scrambled to deploy their umbrellas and don their hoods. This I can clearly visualize A man wearing a long, brown coat stepped out of one the buildings adjacent to the street. He stood there for a moment, put his hands in pockets, and began to walk down the street. He was not looking ahead, but down at the pavement, with his chin buried in the coat, and sinking deeper with every gust of wind I can feel this, nicely worded. He walked slowly. The people walking in the same direction as him seemed to pass him no slower than those walking in the opposite direction Great way to emphasise the lack of speed. Though the sidewalk was busy and he was not looking ahead, he did not bump into people. The mass of people parted before him and closed behind him with perfection. Why? This seems like a movie. As he came upon a small street, he began to cross without looking, and stepped in front of a yellow taxi, which was forced to brake hard, locking its wheels and skidding on the slippery asphalt. The man did not notice until the taxi driver honked at him, and began yelling obscene language out of the open window. Other people barely took notice of the incident. The man I am dying for an adjective here. I want to see this man more clearly and understand him then came upon a bigger street, and stopped as the traffic light was red. A woman stopped next to him, and their eyes met for a moment, but both quickly glanced away. The light turned green, and the man started across the street, though with a half-second delay compared to everyone else. Across the street, the man came upon an entrance to the subway, and walked down the stairs, slipping below the surface.

Ed. 1: The overall flow of movement is good here, but the character is so subdued and detatched. Is that the mood you were going for?

Ed. 2: I really like the way the story stays perfectly focused on the outside, and there are some nice images here. But it doesn't seem like they add up to any feeling besides a slow walk in the rain.



Even though it was still raining lightly, patches of blue Probably because of the ending of the last piece, but the effect of this was brilliant, very heartening could now be seen through the overcast. Some of the people on the busy sidewalk began to stow their umbrellas and remove their hoods. A man wearing a long, light brown coat stepped out of one of the buildings adjacent to the street. He stood there for a moment, looked up at the sky, and then took off his coat and extended his arms Ed. 1: A minor detail, but very nice for giving a feeling of generosity, Ed. 2: Exactly! This gesture is what the previous piece was lacking - gestures of despair or resignation. Nice sense of character. After a moment, he slung his coat over his arm, and started walking down the street at a quick pace. Wearing just a light sweater, he was drawing the attention of most of the passers by, who were all dressed in heavy coats and gave him looks of confusion, though most with smiles. He picked up his pace, and often nearly bumped into people, more than once doing that awkward dance Ed. 1: Recognizable detail, Ed. 2: ha, very nice. It's interesting how light this makes the walk seem. that happens when you can't agree with a stranger on which side of each other you should pass. As he came upon a small street, he nearly stepped out in front of a yellow taxi, which began to brake, as the man quickly hopped to his side and behind the car, allowing it to pass by unimpeded. The driver gave him a quick wave as he merged onto the main street in front of a slow-moving bus. The man then came upon a bigger street, and stopped as the traffic light was red. A woman stopped next to him, and they looked at each other.
She smiled at him, and asked, "aren't you cold?"
"No! Why would I be?" he answered with a smile.
"Well, it's --" she was interrupted as he put his coat around her shoulders I found myself smiling at this point, great natural interaction, even though she was already wearing a coat.
She laughed Nice sound to hear amidst the traffic sounds, but before she could say anything else, the light had turned green, and he was already halfway across the street. On the other side, he came upon an entrance to the subway, but as he walked toward it, a nearby bar caught his attention. He stopped, looked at his watch, shrugged, Again, great gestures here and walked into the bar, followed by the woman who had his coat.

Ed. 1: Ha ~:) Fun ending. the light-heartedness of this second work is stronger than the emotions in the first piece.

Ed. 2: Great, full of feeling. It's obvious you know how to use gestures and slight wording to paint character. Use more in the first piece! I'd love to see a rewrite with a few of those little gestures.

Timsup2nothin


Ned took the four steps down to the sidewalk one at a time. Each strike of shoe leather on concrete jarred him Good detail, a sign of something not normal going on, as if he had expected to step off into eternity only to be brought up short. Great line He stopped, and turned to look back at the steps. His hands knotted to fists and came up slowly, then fell limply to his sides. He pushed them into his jacket pockets, apparently not willing to let them roam loose but unable to maintain the attention needed to control them. Ed. 1: It's a little amusing to see hands used as a character. A good way to describe the motion though. Ed. 2: Great description, this adds immensely to the feeling of powerlessness

The sidewalk was busy, for a small town. More people headed north than south, and he turned that way, though his car was parked half a block to the south. People he met he sidestepped without meeting their whose eyes are meeting? eyes. Those who came behind him passed him by. He passed no one, though he did not walk particularly slowly. He was just lacking the bustle that everyone else had, everyone who would be out on a sidewalk in the mid morning hours at least.

At the end of the block a dozen people waited for the light to change. Ned stopped in front of the store on the corner; women's clothing. He looked vacantly at the window displays, well back from the small crowd, waiting like them but not with them. Then when the light changed he didn't move to cross the street. His feet didn't move at all, but his head slowly lowered until it touched the glass. Ed. 1: This phrase is perfect. It's a zinger. Now I see why you ad to take the previous two paragraphs to describe "the bustle". It sets up this phrase for maximum impact. Nice.

Ed. 2: That last movement really nailed me. Nice placement of words, both with the phrase itself (holding it till the very end) and "touched the glass". The suspense of that sentence is marvellous.



Fred bounced through the office doors and down to the sidewalk, taking the worn concrete steps two at a time. His briefcase banged against his knee as he landed, and he stumbled, threatening to bump into passing pedestrians who glared disapproval. Ed. 1: Great description, Ed. 2: ~:)

He raised the offending briefcase in salute, by way of apology, then held it at arms length in front of him and peered at it from under a raised eyebrow. Ed. 1: This makes me smile cautiously, wondering "what is to come?", Ed. 2: This is so eccentric! Great character definition He grinned wildly. Transferring his grip from the handle to a two hand grip he continued to hold the case in front of him, now with both arms extended. The grin disappeared, displaced by a look that matched the posture, or would have had the briefcase been a wastebasket holding Ever so slightly hung up on this, since he's just been described as holding too... maybe just a word change, like "containing"? something slightly foul.

In three quick steps he reached a public trashcan by a bus stop and dropped the case. His grin returned, threatening to release outright laughter. At this point I'm thinking "delerious"

The case had struck the side of the can, adding another scuff to its well worn surface. Fred had slavishly carried that case up and down those steps five days a week for the last six years. As he sauntered down the street he did not spare it a backwards glance.

Ed. 1: Ahh... now I understand. ~:) What a great symbol to pick for leaving the work force behind. Very simple and effective.

Ed. 2: The character is great, very well drawn. The focus on the briefcase is so strong that when it's dropped, it drops a lot of associations off with it. Nice ending.

MountainTroll
Stepping out of the clinic did not bring the This article makes me think a breath of fresh air has been mentioned before breath of fresh air to Lucy’s tight lungs. It brought exhaust, billowing up in waves of nauseating heat from the asphalt Bleah! Good strong feel to this. The parking meter by her car announced with a big red arrow “EXPIRED!” This is excellent, physical detail that matches the mood very well to the world whipping by. And of course, the rush hour traffic was unaffected by this announcement of finality Good allusion. They all kept at their habitual tailgating, squeezing three cars through the intersection after the light had turned red.

The meeting with the doctor had taken longer than expected, but it was the walk back to her car, down the sidewalk that really seemed to take forever. The sun blared mercilessly on the back of her neck. It wouldn’t stop. It glared along the top of her shirt collar, like an X-ray gun from an old sci-fi movie Sounds painful, good way to describe it. She was the alien now, caught it the infra-red cross hairs. She was escaping as in a slow motion dream to her car which suddenly seemed unrecognizable I like this. It sends the message that suddenly things have changed. When did those dents in the door appear?! Why is so much rush rust? showing on that ledge?! Can’t anything just keep in one piece anymore?!!! The escalating exclamations definitely add to the frantic feel, but they are a little distracting. I'm unsure how else you would do it thought

Lucy unlocked the door, slumped exhausted into the drivers seat and dragged the door behind. Here was more hot air, suffocating and stuffy Good word choices from hours of loneliness in the sun. She started the engine and jabbed fiercely at the AC button, hoping for some respite, but really expecting none I like how you held this out till the very end, definitely leaves a feeling of hopelessness.



Click-click-click-click chirped Lucy’s sassy high heals along the sidewalk. Sure the meeting in the clinic had taken longer than expected. The red “Expired” tag on the parking meter alerted all to her blatant disregard for city ordinances Ha, nice character image pertaining to parking This last could be dropped, since we know it's a parking meter. As she sauntered down the sidewalk, the back of her neck burned with the evening summer heat. It was the same sun that would roast her to a golden crisp I love the change in description here, sitting on a white lawn chair, cradling a diet soda, aboard the cruse ship Celebration in exactly 4 days. How pleasant for the sun to take an early interest in her tan.

The city traffic blared by as the common workers Uppity description, but it fits well with her character followed their prescribed tailgating patterns home to their identically dull studio apartments Excellent, I like the way this gets inside the character's head and condominiums. She fingered the yellow phone page she had eagerly ripped out of the phone book on the way out of the doctor’s office, labeled Realtors. She gazed She fingered... she gazed... these two come too close together, change the wording a bit with disdain at her car which had somehow picked up a few extra dents since she last paid attention to it. Her friend, the philanthropist doctor, had mentioned he drove a convertible corvette. She looked up and down the line of parked cars, trying to catch a glimpse of it I am asking myself why? is she looking for him, or just interested in his car?. Reluctantly unlocking her door, she slid into the driver’s seat. The hot, stuffy air inside very much like the energizing Finnish bastu air. Good change here again. The wording is a little awkward... I think it's the "the" and the "air"... maybe just try "a Finnish bastu"? She started the engine, and jabbed at the AC button, eagerly revving the engine to practice for her test-drive of some hot, red sports-car she hadn’t met yet.

Great ending, pointing to the future.

You do a great job changing the details and description to create very different moods in these two pieces. The second has a couple of sticky spots in the middle, but overall very well done.