The Worst Sex Writing of 2009

If you follow this link you will find an assortment of turgid, pretentious, ill-advised writing, entirely about sex. Apparently there's an award every year for the worst-written sex scene in literature, and these are the contenders.

Glancing through them, I'd be hard-pressed to pick one. They're all horrible. Just horrible. I'd quote some of them, but they contain descriptions of sex, complete with all of the appropriate naughty words. Yikes!

Here's an asterisked version of the winner to give you a taste of this wretched stuff:

Her ***** was opposite my face. The small lips protruded slightly from the pale, domed flesh. This sex was watching at me, spying on me, like a Gorgon's head, like a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks. Little by little this silent gaze penetrated me to the marrow. My breath sped up and I stretched out my hand to hide it: I no longer saw it, but it still saw me and stripped me bare (whereas I was already naked). If only I could still get hard, I thought, I could use my ***** like a stake hardened in the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my **** remained inert, I seemed turned to stone. I stretched out my arm and buried my middle finger into this boundless eye. The hips moved slightly, but that was all. Far from piercing it, I had on the contrary opened it wide, freeing the gaze of the eye still hiding behind it. Then I had an idea: I took out my finger and, dragging myself forward on my forearms, I pushed my forehead against this *****, pressing my scar against the hole. Now I was the one looking inside, searching the depths of this body with my radiant third eye, as her own single eye irradiated me and we blinded each other mutually: without moving, I came in an immense splash of white light, as she cried out: 'What are you doing, what are you doing?' and I laughed out loud, ***** still gushing in huge spurts from my *****, jubilant, I bit deep into her ***** to swallow it whole, and my eyes finally opened, cleared, and saw everything.

I don't know what you are talking about, that stuff is hot, especially the one you posted. Being an impotent cripple having face mauled by a girl's no-no and thinking about mythology is one of the most frequent fantasies I have during my "alone" time.

Had that one since I was 12 and watched Clash of the Titans.

More please

As bad as some of those seem (and believe me, they are bad)... I've actually read worse.

From the final entry:

Panting, Georgie starts rubbing her hands round Bobby's biological erogenous zones, turning his trousers into a tent with lots of rude organs camping underneath

This is followed by a first person account of a character introduced as Mr. Condom, and what Mr. Condom sees and feels while doing his, uh, job.

Truly groundbreaking.

That snip you posted was fantastic writing, Lemur.

What were the rules of this forum again?

Someone remind me, please.



Don't get me wrong, I find this a very nice topic... Just I have had mods SCREAMING at me about "this is a forum for 13 year olds".


And yes, they have clearly explained that "links is the same as posts".


My point is not to flame this thread, I am all for it.


Just that it seems weird that some people get banned for stuff the mods can do.






EDIT: My bad. I just read through it real fast, and didn't see any actual words that is not proper.

So again, my misstake! This is clearly not violating any rules as words is more important that substance.

Backroom.

Things are a little different here?

(:laugh4: A 'little')

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kadagar_AV

What were the rules of this forum again?

Someone remind me, please.



Don't get me wrong, I find this a very nice topic... Just I have had mods SCREAMING at me about "this is a forum for 13 year olds".


And yes, they have clearly explained that "links is the same as posts".


My point is not to flame this thread, I am all for it.


Just that it seems weird that some people get banned for stuff the mods can do.






EDIT: My bad. I just read through it real fast, and didn't see any actual words that is not proper.

So again, my misstake! This is clearly not violating any rules as words is more important that substance.

---

I could have sworn I was reading a backroom topic about bad writing, held up to ridicule.

All of a sudden, I'm in the Watchtower, reading about screaming mods.

OK. Somebody caused one of them thar rifts in the space-time continuum thingee again. C'mon 'fess up, now. Who dunnit?

On-topic: the best (in my opinion) bare-bones sex scene was in Pulp Fiction where Di Niro, a recently released ex-con is babysitting Marsellus' wife/girl/whatever; wife is smoking dope and offering some to Bobbie. Nonchalantly, she says: "Wanna :daisy:?". Di Niro knits his brow and thrusts out his chin, as though considering whether to have sugar in his tea, and if so, how much, after 4 seconds says: "Yanno... yeah, I would." So they do.

No muss. No fuss. Social Contract observed. Mission accomplished.

The utter banality. The every-day ness. Genius (in my opinion).

Kukri: That was Jackie Brown, and yes that scene was totally radical. We all need a little Brigdett Fonda hanging around for such things.

Sex is compared to a gorgon? Something about that just doesn't seem right...

Reading the website, I think there are some worse ones than that though

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kadagar_AV

What were the rules of this forum again?

Someone remind me, please.

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It's a fair question, and I thought twice before posting this subject. My reasoning was as follows:

1. It's literature, not pr0n
2. I warn that the links contain naughty words in the OP
3. The quote is entirely asterisked
4. It's the Backroom, not the general fora
5. If a BR mod thinks it's too much, they'll just lock or delete the thread and send me an angry PM

That last one is my failsafe in the Backroom. The mods in here are excellent, and they don't hesitate to tell me when I've crossed the line.

You guys should check my inbox

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Major Robert Dump

Kukri: That was Jackie Brown, and yes that scene was totally radical. We all need a little Brigdett Fonda hanging around for such things.

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Gah! You're right MRD. Kukri = Epic Movie Fail. No wonder I couldn't find the YouTube clip.

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