Scenes We'd Like To See

So I thought I'd set up a little comedy thread based upon Mock The Week's "Scenes We'd Like To See", whereby the contestants say something that adheres to the topic at hand and makes the audience laugh. Good examples from the link would include:

Commercials That Never Made It To Air
"Lidl's own brand shampoo... because you're worthless"
"Poor? Too lazy to cook? That's why mum's go to Iceland"

Simply post one of your own and then the next poster can do so and so on. I'll be the host and will judge which ones I find funniest, and I'll keep the topic rotated every few days to keep it fresh; try not to simply quote ones from the shows if possible, I just wanna see how funny y'all are, not how well you watch something! :P

Anyways, the first topic is:

Unlikely things to hear at an election speech

I'll get us started with something lame, it can only get funnier from here:

"I would have done exactly the same thing in my opponents shoes"

The Truth

Unlike my rival politicians, I am not a slave to the autocue smile wave applause applause

"im going to tell the truth"

We've already had that one! :P

Keep 'em coming though!

"i did not snort"

a classic with a twist.

"i did not have sexual relations with that man"

If our nation were to experience that situation under my leadership, I assure you, we would taken the matter diplomactically and those halibut would have been left unharmed.

It is a great honour to be elected for another term, in the free, open, democratic, uncontested elections of Venezuela.

Losing candidate:

Ha ha ha! I win, I was mafia and you voted for everybody but me!!

A few funny ones from MTW for inspiration:

"Knife crime must end! Last night I was given a steak knife when I clearly ordered the fish!"

"If elected, living standards will go up... for me and my wife!"

"I know nothing about politics... but I can crush a ripe pear between my buttocks."

I thought you meant they were from Medieval Total War! I was like "I don't remember that...":dizzy2:

I am the black, female, muslim, homosexual, scientist, part-time abortionist. communist, republican candidate, please vote for me to contest in the 2012 Presidential election.

"I stand for the compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast, free corsets for the under-fives, and the abolition of slavery"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by johnhughthom

"I stand for the compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast, free corsets for the under-fives, and the abolition of slavery"

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Ahahahaha, toodle-pip, ol' bean!

I shower with my panties on

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Centurion1

I shower with my panties on

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I think you should have saved that for the "Things you might hear Centurion1 say" topic.

Hehe, just kidding, good contribution! :P

Please Join Me at the State of the White Nation Conference to Push the White Agenda

[Credit goes to Panzer]

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I think you should have saved that for the "Things you might hear Centurion1 say" topic.

Hehe, just kidding, good contribution! :P

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Oh you dont have access to the backroom do you?????? Its a thread title. and no i am aaparently in the minority of teenage boys who do not wear their undies in the shower.

Edit: See beskie gets it.

This is going to be difficult and cost money, but it needs doing anyway.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Centurion1

Oh you dont have access to the backroom do you?

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Nope, I don't, not sure what I could contribute to serious discussions in there. :3

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lemur

This is going to be difficult and cost money, but it needs doing anyway.

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Ooooh, this is a good one! It's simple, to-the-point and you'd never hear a politician admit it! xD

Quote:

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Nope, I don't, not sure what I could contribute to serious discussions in there. :3

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Oh its for realz backs there alright.

"Im proud to be an american Canadian"

I will stop, I will stop at nothing
Say the right things
When electioneering
I trust I can rely on your votes

When I go forwards, you go backwards
And somewhere we will meet
I go forwards, you go backwards
And somewhere we will meet

YEEEEAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

Gordon Brown: How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes, got no where to run, the night goes on, as I am fading away...

I would like to announce I AM THE ANTI-CHRIST MUAHAHA

Free jelly babies for the over 60s.

Due to the increasing number of children afraid of needles, I propose the destruction of the tedious, scary and often painful process of school vaccinations.
Instead, I propose that highly trained nurses should be given free reign on the playground with specially modified tranquillizer rifles which apply vaccinations as well as a tranquillizer. This would have two main benefits: It would be less scary for the children as they will not know what hit them, also it will be more fun for the nurses

Quote:

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Originally Posted by InsaneApache

Due to the increasing number of children afraid of needles, I propose the destruction of the tedious, scary and often painful process of school vaccinations.
Instead, I propose that highly trained nurses should be given free reign on the playground with specially modified tranquillizer rifles which apply vaccinations as well as a tranquillizer. This would have two main benefits: It would be less scary for the children as they will not know what hit them, also it will be more fun for the nurses

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It's long, but it's gooooooood! xD

"I'm Commander Shepherd and I'm the best candidate on the citadel."

Quote:

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"I'm Commander Shepherd and I'm the best candidate on the citadel."

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lolz