Problem

Last night I went to a bar with some friends/acquaintances and we were all drinking, playing pool etc. When I went up to the bartender to order another beer he told me something I've been told numerous times throughout my life. "Hey buddy you don't seem to talk much do you?" I said no not really and went on.

I've been thinking about this a lot since last night. This has been a problem since I've been a teenager. I'm not really sure what to do about it. There are two main reasons for this that I can think of:

1. I have a fear of people thinking I'm stupid, so I just keep my mouth shut. I realize that by rarely speaking people probably already think that about me. I know that it is a pretty ridiculous thing to be scared of, but it's always in the back of my mind. It is a hurdle I just can't seem to get over.

2. I have a tendency to stumble over my words. My thoughts are flying through my head, but my mouth just can't seem to keep up. It's embarrassing for me when it happens.

I don't know why I'm sharing this with you guys, but I am. Have a nice day/evening. ~:wave:

Once upon a time, I wasn't much of a talker either, but somewhere along the line I picked up how to engage in conversation with people. I guess what I do is get the other person/people talking. They usually like it when others take an interest in them or what they do. Once the discussion gets going, you can look for things where you can toss in some comments to the discussion. The hard part is getting a discussion going, but once it does, it becomes easier to continue as you warm up to each other (usually).

As for stumbling over your words, I do it all the time - awkward phrasing, tripping over words, etc. I just roll with it and try to make it a funny situation by saying something like "That was easy for me to say", "Let me re-phrase that in english..." or perhaps slap myself on the cheek and start over.

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Originally Posted by Csargo

2. I have a tendency to stumble over my words. My thoughts are flying through my head, but my mouth just can't seem to keep up. It's embarrassing for me when it happens.

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I've been having this happen more and more often. I get past it though, everybody screws up, so mucking up some words when talking about something doesn't matter. For example, I got subway for lunch today. I was asked what cheese I wanted. I replied cheese. Not what I intended to say. I took a second to regain my senses, did a quick mental reboot and continued as if it had never happened. Its not something to worry over.

As for not talking much, I'm much the same. Being quiet/holding your tongue is not a bad thing. As long as you talk when needed, its even seen by some as a good quality. Problem I have is that a lot of people expect me to talk a lot and be loud etc around them, because I always was. Its not who I am, but I force myself to adhere to it. Burns me out pretty quickly.

Have a nice day too, Strawberry.

Tell the bartender to stick it where the sun dont shine

Srsly who the eff is this jack knob loser making a damn psych eval

Im pretty extroverted and I also don't care what people think of me. Do that

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Originally Posted by Gregoshi

As for stumbling over your words, I do it all the time - awkward phrasing, tripping over words, etc. I just roll with it and try to make it a funny situation by saying something like "That was easy for me to say", "Let me re-phrase that in english..." or perhaps slap myself on the cheek and start over.

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This. A healthy dose of self-deprecation is the only thing that keeps me reasonably socially competent.

I have the exact same problem.

I only talk when I have something important to say. If its not so important, Ill just mutter it under my breath, and if someone heard it and asks for me to repeat what I said, Ill repeat myself louder (unless, of course, its something not so nice).
Im terrified of being in situations where there are a lot of people talking all at once. Basically, any big party. Too many conversations going and Im not good at joining in unless it directly pertains to me or something that I know a lot about. This also makes flirting hard for me.
So I either leave (if I can) or stand/sit on the side and talk to someone who also is standing on the side who also hates big parties.
Its because of my stuttering. In large conversations where a lot of people are talking, Im usually left in the dust because people are insensitive jerks who dont understand that unlike them I cant spit out what I want to say and when I do start to say something Im usually interrupted.

Its painful. Very, very painful. But I deal with it. Thats how my life is and will always be. No point in getting upset about it.

There is a fantastic quote I love to use by James Earl Jones, who also stuttered:

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I think a stutterer ends up with a greater need to express himself, or perhaps, a greater awareness of the deep human need for expression. Being a mute or stutterer leaves you painfully aware of how you would like to say something. And I would know, as an afterthought, how I could have said this or that. But at the moment, you are too busy making the choice to speak or not to speak, to use this word or that word. The pain is in the reflection. The desire to speak builds and builds until it becomes part of your energy, your life force.

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So dont worry about stumbling over words. In the grand scheme of things, its really not much.
Just carry through with what you want to say, and you know, if people make fun of you for it, they are just jack***es.

I doubt I can add much to advice (or advise? I always get confused between the noun and the verb) already given, but I can suggest this, that one does not need to talk just for the heck of it...to make others feel comfortable. If you enjoy silence and not speaking then just don't. It's happened to me many times, and I've seen it happen. People usually feel awkward, and then try to start up a conversation, just to break the silence....its only rarely that that works.
Plus my personal experience is that staying quiet isn't always bad....many girls are intrigued :grin:

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Originally Posted by Gregoshi

I guess what I do is get the other person/people talking.

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IMO, that is the best and the most effective piece of advice on this page. Pick a topic you think someone is interested in, no matter how mundane it is. Before you realise they'll bet talking your ear off, and then you can always pick up and continue the thread from there....

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Originally Posted by india

I doubt I can add much to advice (or advise? I always get confused between the noun and the verb) already given

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You got it right :yes:

You give or gave advice to people.

You advise people.

I was notoriously quiet at school. And I never spoke to anyone when I went to Uni, and had real problems doing presentations etc. For a while I got so bad I could barely speak if I went out to get messages, would never do anything different or out of my routine just to avoid different situations.

The solution: stop caring. Also, if you fake confidence, you will start to feel it. There was an article on the BBC about how just adopting a more confident posture makes people behave more confidently.

These problems aren't trivial they can really change your whole view on life. Up until recently, my whole life I had a really negative attitude and just had this idea that everything was going to get progressively worse. It was depressing, its like having a physical weight pressing down on your brain. Probably tied to my OCD which was really crippling for a while.

But as I said, just stop caring. That is how to get over OCD or the problems like the OP. Going to be in contact with germs? Well you might get ill, its not that bad, no need to wash your hands 16 times at once. Going to mess up when you talk to someone? Who cares... its character building and if you make them feel awkward you can laugh about it to yourself.

That is why these days even though I'm sick of work, sick of Uni and don't really have any friends, I wake up feeling positive and like I can do anything I want.

Find something you like about yourself thats related to talking and will boost your confidence. For example, I have a pretty rough accent due to my dad coming from up north, sounds way better than the nasal whine most people have round here. I heard myself on a recorded phone message the other day and I have to say my accent is pretty awesome, I would't mess with someone that sounded like that, I sound about 20 years older than I thought I did.

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Originally Posted by Gregoshi

As for stumbling over your words, I do it all the time - awkward phrasing, tripping over words, etc. I just roll with it and try to make it a funny situation by saying something like "That was easy for me to say", "Let me re-phrase that in english..." or perhaps slap myself on the cheek and start over.

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I used to be terribly shy when I was a young teen. Now if I fluff my lines I say something like "I'm sorry, I've forgotten how to speak" and laugh it off. Humour, the great diffuser. :yes:

I used to talk a lot, always.

Then people started to hate me, now I only talk if I feel like someone likes me and I have something worthwhile to say.

Confidence.

I appreciate the advice.

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Originally Posted by Csargo

I appreciate the advice.

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No problem, old buddy.

I don't talk much because I like to keep my opinion to my self.
I don't think its necessary bad thing, but if you want to be social, heres a special magic trick.

-Go to the closest park. Walk or jog around until you sweat. Do this when you have some spare time.
-Wear something orange. Avoid darker coloured cloths.
-Smile and try to say hello to people you know.

Simple silly tricks. But it works.

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Originally Posted by Csargo

1. I have a fear of people thinking I'm stupid, so I just keep my mouth shut. I realize that by rarely speaking people probably already think that about me. I know that it is a pretty ridiculous thing to be scared of, but it's always in the back of my mind. It is a hurdle I just can't seem to get over.

2. I have a tendency to stumble over my words. My thoughts are flying through my head, but my mouth just can't seem to keep up. It's embarrassing for me when it happens.

I don't know why I'm sharing this with you guys, but I am. Have a nice day/evening. ~:wave:

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Csargo, I definitely suffer from the very same. Lately I've been trying to talk more, and so far it seems like it's only been good. But trust me, I can sympathize. We should find some seminar or something for outgoing-ness.

I find it difficult to come up with things to say relevant the conversation, since I don't really know that many people and thus cannot correctly follow the story. Hopefully we can get over this hump in our personalities. I hope you do better. My advice? Just start talking more to people, regardless of how stupid you sound. It's weird, but people tend not to mind surprisingly enough.

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Originally Posted by Oorahguy

Csargo, I definitely suffer from the very same. Lately I've been trying to talk more, and so far it seems like it's only been good. But trust me, I can sympathize. We should find some seminar or something for outgoing-ness.

I find it difficult to come up with things to say relevant the conversation, since I don't really know that many people and thus cannot correctly follow the story. Hopefully we can get over this hump in our personalities. I hope you do better. My advice? Just start talking more to people, regardless of how stupid you sound. It's weird, but people tend not to mind surprisingly enough.

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Yeah, the last few days I've been a lot more talkative than usual and I think it's been going well enough. Everyone's advice has helped quite a bit. Rhy and SFTS advice of not caring has helped immensely. Whenever I say or do something stupid I just shrug it off and go on. When before I would probably just pretty much stop talking unless someone spoke directly too me.

Parties are still sort of weird though.

Have trouble striking up conversation, for just total lack of any common interest subject matter? I find that that inhibits me.

just talk i do it all the time. i also dont care what people think of what i say. dont do that. it makes you look like a douche sometimes.