Fat Satire

This was written by me and a guy called Chetan together, it shows the consequences of our high fat habits if we continue our way of life.

“Common Corpulence: A day in the life of two typical men in the near future.”

Skinny and Twig, were just two normal guys who lived together (as ROOMATES Damnit). They received their nicknames in high school for being of a rather thin build. They lived normal, average lives as graduate students. On one seemingly typical day, Skinny and Twig woke up from their a 12-hour nap and both simultaneously hit their bed removal assistance buttons. Slowly their beds lifted up so then could slide off of the bed onto their feet. They boths hadn’t seen their feet since they left home for college. Skinny, followed by Twig walked with difficulty over to the elevator and descended to the first floor of their rented 2-story town house. Usually, it was Skinny who cooked, so he started off pouring oil into The Cook ™, their industrial-sized deep fryer and main method of food preparation. Soon he realized that they didn’t have enough oil for The Cook. By this time Twig had settled into his daily television chair. Skinny fetched the keys to their jointly owned, V32, 8-wheeled compact SUV, and his wallet to fill up the tank and buy the required oil.
Skinny quickly made it to the local Exxon Tigermart. He walked in and picked up a 50-gallon bucket of oil and, checked his wallet. With the cost of the oil he would only have $10 out of the $400 he usually needed to buy gas. As he made his way for the attendant to pay for enough gas to take him the 30 feet to home, he noticed that the attendant was missing. “They probably had another bloody stick up”, he reasoned to himself, thinking back to when an old man of 35 was shot by last week. After carefully placing the $10 for gas in the register, Skinny, praying that he had enough gas to get home without filling up, made his way to his SUV. As Skinny was nearing 20 feet from home, his car gave out and he had to walk the rest of the way home. He was a relatively fast walker, because he weighed in at a meager 421 lbs, but with the oil, Skinny knew he had a long walk ahead of him. As he walked, Skinny thought back, remembered how his grandfather had told him about his college life. His grandfather had only weighted 300 lbs in college and he was considered as huge then. Skinny, figured that they didn’t have deep fryers for home use back then.
Meanwhile back at home, Twig was watching his television, having not moved for the past 2 hours while Skinny was at the store. As he was changing the channel he came by an “infomercial” depicting African children, who seemed to be starving. “Hey, that’s a diet that works”, Twig stated thinking he was watching marketing for the newest diet, “The African Diet”. He had heard of “The African Diet” in a fashion magazine, where it had an advertisement claiming that it had used the powers of hypnosis to give the person what the ad called “anorexia nervosa”. He felt this was this chance to go from a relatively small weight of 504 lbs. to a tiny frame of 400 lbs., similar to Skinny. Twig slowly made his way to the phone in the basement and was dialing the number on the screen as Skinny walked in, exhausted, as if he was going to “heart attack” (they called to die, to heart attack because almost all people died of heart attacks in this time). As Skinny was recovering on the couch, Twig was feeling very tired, having to support his own weight while on hold. “You have reached the African Children’s Fund” rings over the phone just as Twig falls to the ground exhausted and suffering from a heart attack. Skinny couldn’t call the “Heart Attack” line in time, and by the time the set of two relatively thin paramedics (440 lbs. each) arrived, Twig was a statistic. Twig had died at a decent age of 25 years and had received a grand funeral. He was able to fit into a child coffin of dimensions: 5’9”x 5’6”x 5’6”. As he was lowered into the ground Skinny was thinking of how the cholesterol in his fried food killed Twig. After the service, Skinny hoped into his gigantic SUV and rode to the nearest supermarket; because he was out of oil, again.