Hot off my email

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05-10-2004, 23:06
Goofball

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

* PRAYER & FASTING Conference: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

* The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

* Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say Hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang I will not pass this way again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: Break Forth Into Joy.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What Is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

* The Young Mothers club will be meeting in the church basement this evening. Anyone wishing to become a Young Mother should see Father Tim.
05-11-2004, 01:34
MalibuMan

There was one of these in the news quiz a few years back:

At the back of a church on a pedestal was a small wooden bowl. In front of it was a sign reading: 'for the sick'.
05-11-2004, 01:47
Lord Ovaat

Great stuff, GOOFBALL. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cg...ns/biggrin.gif Well, maybe English is too hard and complicated to be used for a primary language.
05-11-2004, 16:41
Goofball

Someone told me another one yesterday:

The rose on the pulpit today is to celebrate the birth of Joshua David Thompson, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Thompson.
05-11-2004, 16:48
octavian

Quote:

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Goofball @ May 10 2004,18:06)]* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

* The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Say Hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What Is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The Young Mothers club will be meeting in the church basement this evening. Anyone wishing to become a Young Mother should see Father Tim.

rofl, here are my highlights classic http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cg...s/bigthumb.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cg...s/bigthumb.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cg...s/bigthumb.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cg...s/bigthumb.gif
05-31-2005, 20:36
Mikeus Caesar

Re: Hot off my email

Quote:

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. #Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

That really made me laugh....and sorry if no one likes me bringing this back from the dead, but it's so funny...
05-31-2005, 21:02
Quietus

Re: Hot off my email

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goofball

* The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

:laugh4:
06-01-2005, 05:31
Spetulhu

Re: Hot off my email

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goofball

* The Young Mothers club will be meeting in the church basement this evening. Anyone wishing to become a Young Mother should see Father Tim.

Obviously not from the bulletin board of a Catholic church! :laugh4:
06-01-2005, 07:25
Laridus Konivaich

Re: Hot off my email

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spetulhu

Obviously not from the bulletin board of a Catholic church! :laugh4:

No?, then it would be young father?
06-01-2005, 08:32
Magraev

Re: Hot off my email

Absolutely hilarious - thanks ~D