GAH
Let Vanya tell you an inspirational story of heads collected, egos shattered and gloating gone haywire. But it's a happy story with a joy-filled ending that will leave you breathless
THE MOTHER OF ALL BATTLES
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Vanya was online one day looking for a game, and He noticed that there was a 5 playa game up. Vanya was curious, so He joined. He discovered, to His infinite amusement that it was a castle game With 4 attackers And Vanya all alone in the cold, stony walls At least the enemies had the good sense of giving Vanya a castle worthy of a petty warlord so that His surrogate head would not gather frost during the night and look shiny under the morning light.
And, Vanya noticed that the other 4 all had similar names... like they belonged in a clan or something. Not too mention, they gave Vanya only $20K while they each had $25K to blow.
But Vanya figured... it would be a cute challenge. Especially since He thought the names were familiar -- that is, they seemed to be the neighbor's obese kids playing together "as a family". lol
So, Vanya gets a croissant and gets some Turkish coffee while the enemy bastids buy their manpower. Vanya's army ends up being quite simple indeed. Vanya gets a naptha general, a hashishin for laughs, a turcoman horse, 2 saracens, 2 futuwas, and 9 cav split into 3s equally between armenian heavies, ghulams and kwarizmians.
Well, during deployment, Vanya can see the enemy pigdogs plop their little wooden toys near Vanya's glorious walls. These poor bastids were not Shaka, and Vanya would be damned if He'd let the walls fall. So, Vanya deployed ALL his noble cav units outside the walls right in the face of the unsuspecting enemy pigdog that bothered to get signficant chukkas. This bastid had 6 mangonels and 2 catapults. His enlightenned allies all got 6 ballista Youz can imagine Vanya's surprise Vanya was laughing for hours after the battle finished
Vanya's infantry just sat inside the castle sipping sake and eating popcorn. The hashishin sat alone in the outer ring of the castle in a remote, deserted stretch. Vanya figured this nice invisible unit would protect Vanya's walls in the event Vanya overestimated the enemy pigdogs.
So, game starts, and Vanya's cav smash the mangonels and catapults right from the get go. Enemy bastid never even got a shot off Then, to Vanya's shocking surprise, He spots the line of 4 overpaid units of fat javelinmen protecting the panicking chukkas Vanya's cav charges forth and butchers them along the way. Poor sap now has lost 10 units in the openning minutes. And the rest of his army was too far back to help his out-of-luck javeliners and chukkas But that doesn't mean the poor bastid won't try to save his doomed men So, Vanya's cheering cav round up the rest of the bastid's armies and send him back to his mama in tears
And the mighty walls of Vanya's castle are holding up quite well to the other enemy's ballista. Add to that the toll Vanya's ballista and 'pult towers are taking on the other enemies, and Vanya is feeling pretty good right about now.
After routing off the other playa, Vanya reorganizes His cav and lets them chew some grass for a while. The enemy is still getting a facefull of rock from Vanya's towers. By now, Vanya moved up His saracens and futuwas to the outter gate to protect against an infiltration. Eventually, they break down the gate, but fail miserably to bring down any walls or towers.
With their bodies amassing outside the walls, the enemy pigdogs all make a mad rush for the gate. But their men are held up by Vanya's staunch saracen unit at the gate. Feeling confident, Vanya brings up His naptha gen so he can get into the fun. The Horseman's cav now sweeps in behind the enemy and strikes their rear just moments after the naptha gen lobs some porcelain grenades into the enemy mob.
Vanya pulls back His cav after the initial foray and lets them rest some more. To Vanya's surprise, the enemies ignore His cav and continue to try to push their way into the gate. But the bodies are piling up. And Vanya charges His cav a second, third and fourth time into their rears. By now, Vanya feels like He's hitting them purty good. And some enemy units start to rout. Surely enough, Vanya's cav is right there to mop them up
About half the enemy army melts away in this fashion, with individual units running astray and being pounded into pulp beneath the hooves of Vanya's patient cav. Then, the rest figured they had had enough. Vanya's futuwas finally joined the battle, and their fresh legs and fanaticism broke the enemy units at the gate, prompting a mass route. Now Vanya was ecstatic His cav swept down one last time on the panic-striken enemy mob and slaughtered them all. ALL All that was left on the map was a lonely enemy unit of royal kinigits (a general too, at that) that one of the enemies had left behind.
Vanya made short order of those 20 old farts.
And the game concluded and Vanya rejoiced A great victory had been acheived over a band of noobs hiding under the guise of a "clan". So, Vanya runs out into the street and starts hollering and chanting all kind of obscenities as He gloats in front of the neighbors house. Sure it's 2am on a workday (or skool day if that is how youz want to look at it), but Vanya is just too happy to contain His emotions.
When the light in the neighbor's house comes on, Vanya plucks His surrogate head from His shoulders and throws it through their window Vanya then turns around and moons the unsuspecting and shocked puritanical and ultra-conservative baptists. Their kids start crying and bawling like a newborn sucking on a jalapeno And their parents started yelling obscenities back after soaking in Vanya's torrent of trash-talking boasts. But did they have the forethought of calling the police on Vanya? NOOOO Because they were no longer thinking straight That is -- they were temporarily INSANE in their membrane
Now THIS made Vanya gloat even more So the kid's mother steps out with a shotgun and fires a grapeshot past where Vanya's surrogate head used to be And Vanya is laughing and taunting them even more since they missed Vanya at only 12 feet away Then their daddy comes out and says he is FBI And Vanya not care Vanya not listen Their daddy starts threatenning Vanya with relocation to Guantanamo. Vanya sez... Vanya would like to visit tropics
Then something happenned that shocked even Vanya
The kids finally recognized Vanya as the one who shamed them in that fateful castle battle. They emerged from the house and kneeled on the ground and bowed before Vanya And this right in front of their parents They reached down and kissed Vanya's dusty feet
Their mother started hollering all kinds of nonsense about germs and making the kids eat a bar of soap because "they did not know where Vanya's foot had been" and all. The kids remained bowed with their foreheads touching the ground as they retreated into their paltry abode backwards, so that they would always be facing their vanquisher. Only when they entered the house and were out of sight, did they get back on their feet.
Their parents were shocked. But so too was Vanya. So, Vanya simply told the parents to "have a nice day" and went back to His glorious fortress in search for another game to fight and more heads to collect.
The next day, the kid's mother knocked on the door at some ungodly hour in the morning and offered Vanya some pie. Vanya took the pie and ate it gleefully. But she was not there to feed Vanya's petty gastrointestinal hunger. NOOOO. She had been so impressed with the show of respect that she claimed she "saw past the veneer of obscene gloating" to discover Vanya's "inner beauty"
Next thing Vanya knows, the next door neighbor's mom -- a total MILF too -- is all out after a session of horizontal mambo with her new Mambo King: Vanya
Did Vanya tell youz He was a Mambo King way back during the enlightenned days of the 20th century? Well... she certainly learned so.
And she was happy. And she kept Vanya happy. But her hubby would not be happy if he were to ever find out. But Vanya would not tell. Their kids did not know. And their MILF mommie was not about to let go of her joyride anytime soon.
So everybody was happy in the end
Now... ain't that just a glorious story? A bloodbath with a happy ending
And they said it could not be done...
GAH
