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The hunnic invasions
This is a VERY FICTIONAL (but not fantasy) story I am writing about the hunnic invasions.
Chapter one the alliance.
King Orrick of the gothic lands meat up with 3 Celtic war lords to discuss the hunnic invasions. Orrick rode up to a great castle. Equipped with a moat, towers, walls and a grand garrison. At the gate were 3 Celtic war lords there Vendrux, William, and Haron. Orrick began the meeting.
Orrick
“We are here to discuss what we must do to repel the hunnic barbarians. I know you have not fought them yet but they are a brutal adversary when they attack towns they burn every thing to the ground. Throw infants off the city walls and watch their brains splatter on the ground. They sell the women into slavery. They torture the men in ways I cannot mention here. We must unite together we have a chance. Alone we have none”.
William
“I say we march on them tomorrow. They will not be able to stand up to my men.”
Vendrux
“No we must build up our defenses. That way we know while were out campaigning that our towns are not being burnt to the ground.”
Haron
“Orrick you have always been weak. All of you are my kingdom needs no help and will give none.” *and with that Haron walked out of the castle and slammed the door behind him.*
Orrick
“Vendrux you are wise I believe that your plan is what we must do. This is the biggest fight we will ever face and will be for generations to come. We will win this war or we will make an end that peasants and noblemen alike will remember for years to come.”
One month earlier.
Orrick and his champion stand at the front of an army outside the city. They see wild men on horses and barbaric infantry screaming and whooping as they march. It is a hellish site. Orrick yells “archers to the front”. The officers pass it down the line. When the archers are ready Orrick yells Light arrows. Officers then light piles of wood on fire by the archers. The archers light there arrows and wait for the command to fire. The enemy charge yelling and screaming in their heathen language most of them don’t even have shirts. Orrick yells “wait for it… wait….NOW”. The Archers let loose their volley killing many of the foe. Orrick notices they are only about 15 feet away now and orders the infantry forward. Orrick proceeds to yell “CHARGE”. His men charge they fight bravely. But the enemy are going mad in a frenzy they fight. The foe smile when blood splatters and when Orrick’s men beg for mercy they laugh and lob their heads off. The battle rages on Orrick yells “Calvary form ranks fight to the last” the Calvary charged they killed the barbarians effortlessly it seemed. These men were Orrick’s crack troops. The barbarians responded by sending their Calvary. These men had strange armor. They carried bows and swords. In their lust for blood they lobbed off heads greedily. Orrick yelled retreat to the strong hold there we must make our last stand.
Can anyone guess what game this is from. Here is a hint not MTW or a mod.
tell me if its any good ANY AND ALL COMMENTS ARE WELCOME GOOD ARE BAD ESPECIALLY BAD. enjoy i need bad ones so i know what to change.
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Ok, you asked for it; here's my attempt at critiquing.
This story is an improvement over your last; you have an interesting subject to ply with, one that has a lot of potential. Bear that in mind as you read on...
I think my suggestions for improvements would fall into several broad categories, none of them aimed at the plot, but at the way you write.
Punctuation, I would repeat again what I said in Zelda's topic. It is one of the basic building blocks and therefore very important. In your case I can pull out a neat example
Orrick rode up to a great castle. Equipped with a moat, towers, walls and a grand garrison. Why is this in two separate sentences? It detaches the description from the castle; it would be better if you did something like:
Orrick rode up to the great castle, it has a moat, high walls and towers, and a grand garrison.
Alternatively, if you want to get a little more complex:
Orrick rode up to the great castle; it was surrounded by a wide, deep moat. Atop the thick stonewalls Orrick could see many soldiers on guard duty; he knew they were only a fraction of the huge garrison. On the highest of the many towers flew the flag of the castle's owner, lord WobbleHead.
My second comment would be on tensing; you write mostly in the present tense, the past tense works better. Again, an example:
Orrick and his champion stand at the front of an army outside the city. They see wild men on horses and barbaric infantry screaming and whooping as they march. It is a hellish site. Orrick yells “archers to the front”. The officers pass it down the line.
Changed to
Orrick and his champion stood at the front of an army outside the city. They saw wild men on horses and barbaric infantry screaming and whooping as they marched. It was a hellish sight. Orrick yelled “archers to the front”. The officers passed it down the line.
You don't want to be describing someone about to do something; you want to describe them actually doing it.
My third and final comment is on the way you have chosen to denote who is speaking; you can ignore this one quite easily if you choose. You are writing it like a script, which is fine if that is the effect you intend; otherwise you will want to swap from
William
“I say we march on them tomorrow. They will not be able to stand up to my men.”
To
“I say we march on them tomorrow. They will not be able to stand up to my men.” said William.
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I would say what Frog said except I can't really comment on grammar and punctuation when I only know off them.
Anyway It's a good premise for a story.
Ceaser have you noticed how since my post on her goodbye post on blood red hands frog has been critiquing more than usual.
Thank you once again lady frog.
