Just for Laughs - the "Time" Magazine "Review"

This is so funny it is sad;

Veni, Vidi, Vici — Virtually
By CHRIS TAYLOR

Monday, Sep. 06, 2004
Armchair generals rejoice — Rome: Total War (Activision, $50) is scheduled to be released later this month for the PC. In this sequel to Shogun: Total War and Medieval: Total War, you play a would-be Caesar, doing the Senate's bidding by commanding dozens of legions in massive, real-time battles. Will you catapult flaming pigs into besieged cities as the Romans did? Or will you flee? Each of your enemies has its own peculiar units, like the Carthaginian elephants or the German barbarians' terrifying Screeching Women. Do well and you just might have enough strength to turn on the Senate and take control of Rome itself. So realistic are the battle graphics that the History Channel is now showing a series of re-enactments, called Decisive Battles, using nothing but the Rome software. Crossing the Rubicon has never been this much fun. --Chris Taylor

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/ar...689472,00.html

Talk about the triumph of marketing over substance! The only details that get mentioned are the crappy ones that we all loath.

The .COM bills this "article" as;
"Rome: Total War features in the latest issue of TIME magazine, one of the most respected magazines in the world."

Perhaps it is - but you would never know that by the content of this "feature".

Barkhorn. ~:joker: ~:joker: ~:joker:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Barkhorn1x

catapult flaming pigs into besieged cities

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What the ... ??

Surely a great way to starve out besieged cities... ~;p

I'm looking forward to "catapulting" armored elephants into advancing legions - that'll teach 'em ~:wacko:

Wait, there's another angle we can take on this, I must send it to Time right away...

"Some of the business benefits of Rome: Total War include:

. Leveraging your organisation's competitive stance
. Bringing your best to the table
. Optimising employee decision-making and productivity
. Improving user satisfaction
. Accelerating revenue opportunities
. Reducing service delivery time"

Marketing vomit, gotta love it. (Anyone want to guess where this comes from?)

^ Sounds like a microsoft ad.

I long to see armoured elephants being fired from catapults, and the reaction of the soldiers they hit.

"Look at that, Quintus!"
"What? Arggghhhh!!!!!"
*legionnary flatness ensues*

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Papewaio

^ Sounds like a microsoft ad.

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Like microsoft need to advertise.

Microsoft: Buy our stuff, or we'll buy you and your peasant village. Seriously.

"Will you catapult flaming pigs into besieged cities as the Romans did?"

Seriously, that one had me chuckling for quite a while. I can just imagine the Cathaginian general screaming with his silly accent:

"Iet ies taim to show zese Roman zcum ze power of Carzage! Load ze catapults and fire ze flamink piegs!"

Pigs: "Oink, oink, oink!"

Soldiers: "Ze catapult iz loaded Zjeneral!"

General: " Alright, now fire ze flamink piegs!"

Pigs: "Oink, oink, SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE....!!!!!"

-----------------------------------

*On the wall of the Roman town*

Marcus: "...And then I said "Well, I can show my other gladius too, if ya know what I mean!"

Publius: *chuckles*....Hmmm, what's that? Hey, do you hear that too?"

Marcus: "By Jove, the Carthaginians, they are catapulting flaming pigs at us! Everybody hit the deck!"

Pig: " SQEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Publius: "Aaaaaaaaaaaggghhh*SPLATSJ!*

Marcus: "By Hera's boobs, they got Publius!"

Flying pigs... even worse than head hurlers. The only other ammo for catapults other than rocks that makes sense is dead bodies... but pigs? :tomato:
Hmm... mabye the pigs have a bonus when used in Judea?

What a bunch of fluff. Reminds me of all the times I slacked off in school and had to BS something at the last minute. That's just how I would write in those kinds of situations. Throw in a few industry buzzwords and voila, business presentation or paper or whatever is ready.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Axeknight

Microsoft: Buy our stuff, or we'll buy you and your peasant village. Seriously.

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lol! That is so classic.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by andrewt

What a bunch of fluff. Reminds me of all the times I slacked off in school and had to BS something at the last minute. That's just how I would write in those kinds of situations. Throw in a few industry buzzwords and voila, business presentation or paper or whatever is ready.

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bingo

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Witch-King

Marcus: "By Hera's boobs, they got Publius!"

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~:joker: ~:joker: ~:joker: ~;p ~;) ~D


Btw, you old Medieval freaks should know, dead animals have been catapulted into the besieged cities old the time, and pigs are a sort of an animal that is genetically very similar to humans and people get easily infected by all that nasty stuff a pig can have much easier than they could sustain an infection from other animals.

But flaming pigs!?!

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I don’t eat pork. I don’t eat anything that doesn’t have enough senses to raise from its own feces. But I would eat Miss Piggy. She has a lot of personality, and personality goes a long way.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Witch-King

Marcus: "By Hera's boobs, they got Publius!"

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That's getting sigged! ~:joker:

You are - perhaps deliberately? - missing the point... a game that gets a good review, indeed *any review at all* outside of the specialist media is making the crossover into the mainstream. And the mainstream is a *very good place to be*. People who've never bought a computer game before, indeed who would have no idea what games are around, will read "Time", see that it recommends RTW, and pick up a copy. It'll be the only game they've bought this year. That's good for computer games in general, and good for RTW and CA in particular. You should be happy for us.

Some of you really do seem to have a problem with some of the Rome marketing... and since a lot of the marketing palpably isn't aimed at you, you should maybe chill out some :) As an experiment, try selling Rome to a complete stranger and newcomer to computer games in fifty words or less. Your partner, say, or your parents. Try not to use phrases like "with big battles like in 'Gladiator' and 'Troy', only you're in charge". Then try again with those kinds of phrases and see their eyes light up with understanding. As Captain Fishpants has said elsewhere, sometimes you just have to use terms of reference which everyone will understand, even if to a purist this smacks of mild inaccuracy.

Quote:

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As an experiment, try selling Rome to a complete stranger and newcomer to computer games in fifty words or less.

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Something like:
"R:TW will be shipped together with a tool to unpack the PAK files plus a document/tool so that you can animate and skin new units. Greatly expanding the possibilities of R:TW mods and thus bringing in alot of cash for CA."

:saint:

"I'll buy it!"

But you're right about popular marketing. Although when it gets released it will feel like playing a kids game. If that is the vision you want to spread... well, you probably do.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SouthwaterPanda

You are - perhaps deliberately? - missing the point... a game that gets a good review, indeed *any review at all* outside of the specialist media is making the crossover into the mainstream. And the mainstream is a *very good place to be*. People who've never bought a computer game before, indeed who would have no idea what games are around, will read "Time", see that it recommends RTW, and pick up a copy. It'll be the only game they've bought this year. That's good for computer games in general, and good for RTW and CA in particular. You should be happy for us.

Some of you really do seem to have a problem with some of the Rome marketing... and since a lot of the marketing palpably isn't aimed at you, you should maybe chill out some :) As an experiment, try selling Rome to a complete stranger and newcomer to computer games in fifty words or less. Your partner, say, or your parents. Try not to use phrases like "with big battles like in 'Gladiator' and 'Troy', only you're in charge". Then try again with those kinds of phrases and see their eyes light up with understanding. As Captain Fishpants has said elsewhere, sometimes you just have to use terms of reference which everyone will understand, even if to a purist this smacks of mild inaccuracy.

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Its either the cute name or the half liter can of beer I'm cradling but that sounds kind of a good little competition for us to run here at the Org.

:saint: :bow: :knight: ~:santa:

Mainstream exposure is fantastic for CA and (despite what some might think) the TW community. It's just that, the people who are regs here are, in general, serious TWers and it seems funny to be describing it simply, when we're used to questions like 'which are better for the florins? v0 w1 a1 Boyars or v2 w0 a1 Szelkys?' - it's like if someone described game design as 'writing lots of funny words and numbers that make the computer do clever things' in a popular magazine.

Exactly. To sell the game to a Total War fan we have to go into detail about the way in which the game balances continuity with evolution, what precisely you can do with this, that, and the other feature...

... whereas to sell to someone who doesn't normally play computer games, we *also* need a cool and instantly compelling marketing gambit which allows us to grab them, turn them upside-down, shake them till their wallet falls out, and extract £30 while they're still cooing about it all. "Epic" and "shiny" are extremely powerful mass-market selling tools, as anyone here who despises the words but can read sales figures should have the decency to admit :-)

The two strategies are *not* necessarily mutually exclusive, and I'm afraid that any hardcore player who thinks we should ignore the mass market because it will offend them... is going to be offended. But the game will be the same regardless, and if you can learn to look past the marketing, you'll play it and love it.

Gil

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Witch-King

"Will you catapult flaming pigs into besieged cities as the Romans did?"

Seriously, that one had me chuckling for quite a while. I can just imagine the Cathaginian general screaming with his silly accent:

"Iet ies taim to show zese Roman zcum ze power of Carzage! Load ze catapults and fire ze flamink piegs!"

Pigs: "Oink, oink, oink!"

Soldiers: "Ze catapult iz loaded Zjeneral!"

General: " Alright, now fire ze flamink piegs!"

Pigs: "Oink, oink, SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE....!!!!!"

-----------------------------------

*On the wall of the Roman town*

Marcus: "...And then I said "Well, I can show my other gladius too, if ya know what I mean!"

Publius: *chuckles*....Hmmm, what's that? Hey, do you hear that too?"

Marcus: "By Jove, the Carthaginians, they are catapulting flaming pigs at us! Everybody hit the deck!"

Pig: " SQEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Publius: "Aaaaaaaaaaaggghhh*SPLATSJ!*

Marcus: "By Hera's boobs, they got Publius!"

---

Just to congratulate you. Two very good ones... :thumbsup:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SouthwaterPanda

You are - perhaps deliberately? - missing the point... a game that gets a good review, indeed *any review at all* outside of the specialist media is making the crossover into the mainstream. And the mainstream is a *very good place to be*. People who've never bought a computer game before, indeed who would have no idea what games are around, will read "Time", see that it recommends RTW, and pick up a copy. It'll be the only game they've bought this year. That's good for computer games in general, and good for RTW and CA in particular. You should be happy for us.

Some of you really do seem to have a problem with some of the Rome marketing... and since a lot of the marketing palpably isn't aimed at you, you should maybe chill out some :) As an experiment, try selling Rome to a complete stranger and newcomer to computer games in fifty words or less. Your partner, say, or your parents. Try not to use phrases like "with big battles like in 'Gladiator' and 'Troy', only you're in charge". Then try again with those kinds of phrases and see their eyes light up with understanding. As Captain Fishpants has said elsewhere, sometimes you just have to use terms of reference which everyone will understand, even if to a purist this smacks of mild inaccuracy.

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The problem with the game isn't just the marketing... ~:angry:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SouthwaterPanda

The two strategies are *not* necessarily mutually exclusive, and I'm afraid that any hardcore player who thinks we should ignore the mass market because it will offend them... is going to be offended. But the game will be the same regardless, and if you can learn to look past the marketing, you'll play it and love it.

---

Ah yes, but that doesn't mean we can't laugh at the mass market for not being as clever as us.

Arrogant, moi? ~D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Papewaio

Arrogance happens to the best of us.

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Of course quoting my genius self proves my point. ~:joker:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SouthwaterPanda

The two strategies are *not* necessarily mutually exclusive

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SouthwaterPanda,
thanks for the comments. I am happy for CA and I'm glad it got mentioned in Time (I have already used the "it's so good it is on the history channel" explanation with friends and colleages as an excuse for my addiction to the game ;-) ).

But our worry is that as the general non-strategy-gamer market becomes a bigger chunk of CA's income, you will start targeting new releases/features at them at the expense of developing the aspects of the game that we love. I saw it happen before in the Mac software market in the late 90's. "How could releasing a software program for the PC hurt the Mac community? It can only mean more exposure, income....etc." Next thing you know, Mac versions were getting delayed and lacking features.

This is a serious concern. Although RTW seems to not to have deviated from the core MTW gameplay model, and I am excited about it, I can only hope the future releases continue to have the "depth" of the current titles.

Afrit

Quote:

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mild inaccuracy

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That's an interesting way to put things.

MSM exposure is usually a good thing, but not always. Changing the game solely to appeal to the mass market can take away from what made it great. Take a look at Ghost Recon 2.

Crazed Rabbit

I believe Mr Panda was including the elements that have been critiqued here as the marketing.

Head hurlers, screaming chicks, and flaming pigs are the shiny bits that grab attention. The inclusion of these bits are ugly to some and attention grabbers to others.

I doubt it will be all that difficult to get rid of them once the software becomes one with your PC.

I admit I laugh at the pig imagery, but the rest does nothing for me. I've bought and look forward to playing it.

I've suggested elswhere the best way to deal with the problem is to put rules in the MP forum that forbid the use of the really offensive units.

That will make the point more strongly than any ranting here.

Now Mr. Panda if we might discuss the future of total war and an epic (read shiny and attention grabbing) book called The Silmarillion....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by afrit

Although RTW seems to not to have deviated from the core MTW gameplay model.

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The quality of multiplyer battles has been adversly affected by certain design decisions.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Maedhros

I've suggested elswhere the best way to deal with the problem is to put rules in the MP forum that forbid the use of the really offensive units.

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You can't make rules that affect game speed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Puzz3D

The quality of multiplyer battles has been adversly affected by certain design decisions.

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I hope you're not saying that Rome's multiplayer battles have been adversely affected by certain design decisions - before the game has come out and you've actually played any multiplayer battles.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SouthwaterPanda

I hope you're not saying that Rome's multiplayer battles have been adversely affected by certain design decisions - before the game has come out and you've actually played any multiplayer battles.

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That would certainly be premature ~;)

And to Maedhros: I suggested using the Silmarillion some years ago to the Powers that Be within CA, as it's actually much more suited to this type of game than LotR, but someone with deep pockets had already snaffled the rights, more's the pity.

thanks Jerome.


I'm crushed, but thanks.


Let's hope they use their deep pockets to chat with you gents about some technology.


Otherwise we'll be stuck with a stupid comic point and click waste.

I think I got to chapter 5 of the Silmarillion before the inevitable "Argh! What are you talking about Tolky? I don't understand!"

I read it in 6th grade - had to skip the first couple chapters about the music and such. After that I was totally caught up in the story.