Dear Diary,
I have been very cruelly taken out of the bounds of historical fame to be imprisoned in this game. It is backwards, eery, and strange, and I do not understand it myself. It's like you are living inside a rulebook, controlled by some guy looking down on you from above. This is a tale of my struggle to adapt to this strange world.
To begin, those senators are a bunch of cows in togas who just hide themselves away in Rome with their huge turtled armies and their navies who seem to be everywhere at once. First they tell me to gain trade rights with the Scythians- who the heck are they??? and then they ask me to "conquer the settlement of home sweet home for the glory of the empire". What kind of freak called a city domus dulcis domus anyway? And now those pompous little toga men are asking me to kill myself. Of course I am going to refuse, what do you think I'm gonna do? Arg, I just need to increase my plebian popularity rating by two more points and then I can declare war on them. But that will never work- the Brutii is already on level 8 with Senate popularity and the scipii has already been outlawed. The Brutii took care of them: now they own 2 thirds of the jupiter-damned empire! I wish I was dead... but that does not mean I am just going to cave in and do the senate's bidding! I need to start up the civil war.
And so in all the frustration I looked down on my map to see that there were brigands right outside Lemonifreshimum, or whatever it was. Just some guy in a toga holding a half-shaded banner with a wierd pattern on it, how hard could it be? So I sent my giant centurion figure out to face him. I then found myself on a big battlefield, giving some corny speech that I've already said a load of times before, but which my legions still seem to love. It was winter and it was cold. Looking at the futuristic mini-map in my hand, I saw that the enemy was a small star on the other side. No problem. The battlefield was flat and featureless, without a single forest, marsh, hill or ditch. This was perfect for killing barbarians, I thought. The leader of the scouts came to me just then.
"Ave general!" he said.
"Ave captain. What news on the enemy?"
"Well, the news I bring is shocking and disturbing."
"What? Well, is their army big? Their men fierce? Come, speak up man."
"No, it's not anything to do with that. It's just... as you can see, the field is covered in snow, and it is very cold. Yet... these men are wearing not so much as a shirt! I've heard of Naked Fanatics; but isn't this taking it a little too far? What's more, none yet seem to have perished."
"How strange... Did you get any other news?"
"No sir... (trembling) We were all too enticed by their nakedness to concentrate on the job."
"Oh, not again. How can I keep trusting you as Scout Captain? You should stop reading those Greek chronicals, they're bad for your sexuality."
"I'm sorry sir. It won't happen again."
And so the battle began. The men on the other side of the field walked towards us, and as they got closer we could all see they were true Naked Fanatics, somehow wearing a loincloth as if they were civilised enough to disown their name. As they got very close we could all see they were charging, penises blaring and as I told the men to form up, they instead dropped their shields and their jaws consecutively and gaped at the tendernesses of the men screaming and running towards them. Too distracted to fight, the men in my army were massacred. I decided to have a word with the Senate about this.
I burst into the Senate, very angry.
"My army was massacred by some scruffy, screaming barbarians a couple of weeks ago outside Lemonum."
"Oh, that's a shame."
"Yes, I think the men were a bit too busy falling in love to fight."
"What?"
"Why did you have to put me in charge of Legion XIII?"
"And tell me, what exactly is wrong with Legion XIII?"
"Well, it's earned it's nickname as "The Gay Legion", does that help?"
"Oh, the gay legion. Right, right..."
"So give me one good reason why you gave it to me, the prestigious governor of Gaul, to command."
"Well, we all just thought it suited your name. And secondly, didn't we tell you to commit suicide?"
"What? WHAT??? That's madness! Your AI is flawed, and you know it."
"Don't insult me in that way!"
"Oh, what a shame, 'cause I think I just did! (singing) Flawed Ai, Flawed AI, lalalalala..."
"GET OUT!!!"
And so I left the Senate feeling ashamed and violited. Once I had conquered more lands and become more popular, the Senate would definately have me to deal with.
Gaius Julius
(more to come)
