Joke thread to pass the time...

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds them-selves,whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."



~D

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were in a plane that crashed into the ocean. Miraculously they survived, and made it to a desert island in the dead of night.

The next morning when they awake, they found that the only thing to have survived was a map, washed up on the beach. They could see that the mainland was only 100 miles to the mainland, which could be seen in the distance.

They decided to swim for it.

The englishman started first. He got 20 miles out, got tired and drowned.

The scotsman was next. He was out 30 miles and then go tired and drowned.

The irishman was on his own by this stage, so he thought had better have a go before dark. He swam out 50 miles, got tired and swam back!

A modern totalwar joke.

Belfast 30 years ago in the middle of all the sectarian violence.

Murphy and Paddy are walking down the street whereupon they see a head lying in the gutter.

" 'pon my soul " says Paddy to Murphy " Isn't that Shaun?

"Nooo.... " exclaims Murphy " .....Shaun's a much taller man than that!".

A lady enters a bus with her baby. As she passes by the driver he remarks: "Uff, what an ugly baby!" The lady hears that and is clearly upset. She goes to the back of the bus and sits. The man next to her seeing that she is upset asks her what's wrong. She tells him that the driver insulted her. "Go ahead, tell him off, I'll hold your monkey for ya!" - says the man.

Teacher to a little boy student.

" Jonny you have been bringing me a little bag of rasins for the last two months, why have you suddenly stopped?"

Jonny - " me rabbits dead miss.."

Balloon Bobby takes a drawing pin into his balloon school to show his balloon friends.

He gets hauled up in front of the balloon head teacher, who tells him 'You've let me down, you've let the school down but worst of all you've let yourself down'.

A farmer walks into his house carrying a duck under his arm, he enters the kitchen where his wife is stood.

Farmer - "This is the Pig ive been making love to"

His Wife - "Thats not a pig, its a duck"

Farmer - "Yeah, I was talking to the duck"

What's the difference between a British soldier and a Taliban soldier?
Dont know? Neither does the US Air Force.




Army pride, yo

Signs you're watching too much TV

1. The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?"
2. In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.
3. You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.
4. In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest infomercial.
5. If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctively shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
6. You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!"
7. Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums for every decade.
8. You have a gold-plated "clicker."
9. Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel.
10. After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break.


An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when
he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he
walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting
at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
I have one here that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, son don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll
tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice
restaurant. Walk that way and they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared. Three hours later, the Arab came crawling back to where
the man was still sitting behind his card table. The Jewish man said,
"I told you it
was about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right, but they wouldn't let me in
without a tie."


A blonde storms up to the Front Desk of a library, seemingly angry. She says "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" The librarian looks up at her from behind a computer.

"I borrowed a book last week, and it was terrible!"

Confused by the blonde's complaint, the librarian asks, "What was wrong with it?"

The blonde replied, " It had way too many characters, and no plotlines whatsoever!!!"

"Ahhh..." said the librarian, " you must be the person who took our phone book."


Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million.
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times
more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.