The Master Horseman

Ok, this is my first literary contribution to the Mead Hall, previous visits have been mainly to read other's stories/poems and review them. Ok, I hope you enjoy it, feel free to give me some feedback on how to improve the story or my writing style.

The Master Horseman

The time had come; it was time for Palacus to join his father on the battlefields. A war had commenced with the Germanic tribes and Palacus would be the reinforcements needed to push them back to where they came from. The Germans, a vicious tribe seeking out new land, seeking the wealth of the Scythians, had advanced into the Scythian plains burning villages as they smashed through. His brother Partatua, the heir to the throne, was fending off an attack in the east from the Persians. Partatua commanded the largest Scythian army there ever was and he had to command well, if the Persians broke through, the Scythians would be surrounded. Palacus set out from Campus Scythii, capital of the Scythians, and began to march northwards accompanied by a force of riders and horse archers.

It was early evening when Palacus arrived. “Has it really been six years, son?” asked Zipoetes, Palacus’ father. It had been almost a year since he had left Campus Scythii. His father had set out campaigning in the north when Palacus was twelve years old. Now into his early fifties, Zipoetes had barely aged at all. He was the man who had made Scythia a dominant tribe in the barbarian regions north of the Black Sea; he was a popular warlord among the people. “When these Germans are crushed, we will head north, eventually towards the Amazons, Themiskyra will be Scythian once again!” And that’s when it happened…

very good stroy worth reading like the burning of the villages bit!!!!!!!!!!!!1

That's just the start, I tried to leave a cliffhanger for the next bit, which I hope to write tomorrow or maybe later this week...

I like the story so far, especially the cliffhanger, however, I believe you have a few mistakes. I think dominating tribe should be switched to dominant tribe and maybe add a comma between seeking the wealth of the Scythians and had advanced. So it would read: seeking the wealth of the Scythians, had advanced. I think this will help with the flow of the story, but everyone has a different style and this may just be something you do differently from me to create a different pace or feel.

well done craterus, wish you good luck with your story

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Uesugi Kenshin

I like the story so far, especially the cliffhanger, however, I believe you have a few mistakes. I think dominating tribe should be switched to dominant tribe and maybe add a comma between seeking the wealth of the Scythians and had advanced. So it would read: seeking the wealth of the Scythians, had advanced. I think this will help with the flow of the story, but everyone has a different style and this may just be something you do differently from me to create a different pace or feel.

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Thanks for picking up on those things; I've edited the first chapter and the second should be along soon..

Craterus Craterus Wooohohohohohoh this story is great

Thanks

~:clap: oh my god why isnt there a clamping smilie? Tosa i demand one now ! Cool story kill the pershians and then steal there horses ! the ultimate revenge ! Is this story is true then you must be doing one fun campaign.

Yeah, this is based on my Scythian campaign..

Just like mine :-D But your action is much faster-paced than mine, long-winded old bag that I am :-P Goodie, post more!

Will do soon, but I haven't been able to right much more. When I get the chance to go on the other pc, I prefer to play RTW than write my story. Hopefully, I will get on tonight, but I'll play RTW till I'm bored, then write some more.

P.S. I feel your story is showing mine up, it's loads better, well done!!

Ok, I'm back to tell some more of the tale of "The Master Horseman".

Sorry it's been so long, you might want to read the first entry before you get going with this, just to put you on the right track again. A quick reminder, you know what I mean.

Suddenly, awoken from his slumber, the Royal Guard rushed into Zipoetes’ tent. “A sentry outside sir,” explained the guard “he says it’s urgent.”

“Call him in, quickly.” Zipoetes was immediately wide-eyed and aware, as if he’d been up for an hour.

“Sir, we are surrounded! Our location has been revealed to the Germans by a traitor. They have positioned armies behind and in front of us, in deep forests. Their armies are just six stadia away.” The sentry informed Zipoetes.

“Have the men prepare for battle. Awake my commanders and order them to report immediately to my tent to discuss the plan of action.”

Twenty minutes later: the men were armoured, the horses were mounted, the bows were strung, all that remained unprepared was the order to go. “We shall head west toward the larger German army. Are the men ready? Yes sir, just waiting for the order to set off.” The other commanders left the tent, ready for battle and ready to command their division of the army. Only Palacus remained. “Palacus, when I give the signal, you will flank the enemy. This will not come until our noble archers have peppered the enemy with every single arrow they’ve got. Our axemen are inferior to theirs, they will be unable to hold for too long. Your manoeuvre must be strong, but swift.”

“I understand, father,” responded Palacus. “Don’t worry; I will get there before it's too late.”

Ok, I'm back to tell some more of the tale of "The Master Horseman".

Sorry it's been so long, you might want to read the first entry before you get going with this, just to put you on the right track again. A quick reminder, you know what I mean.

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Suddenly, awoken from his slumber, the Royal Guard rushed into Zipoetes’ tent. “A sentry outside sir,” explained the guard “he says it’s urgent.”

“Call him in, quickly.” Zipoetes was immediately wide-eyed and aware, as if he’d been up for an hour.

“Sir, we are surrounded! Our location has been revealed to the Germans by a traitor. They have positioned armies behind and in front of us, in deep forests. Their armies are just six stadia away.” The sentry informed Zipoetes.

“Have the men prepare for battle. Awake my commanders and order them to report immediately to my tent to discuss the plan of action.”

Twenty minutes later: the men were armoured, the horses were mounted, the bows were strung, all that remained unprepared was the order to go. “We shall head west toward the larger German army. Are the men ready?

"Yes sir, just waiting for the order to set off.” The other commanders left the tent, ready for battle and ready to command their division of the army. Only Palacus remained. “Palacus, when I give the signal, you will flank the enemy. This will not come until our noble archers have peppered the enemy with every single arrow they’ve got. Our axemen are inferior to theirs, they will be unable to hold for too long. Your manoeuvre must be strong, but swift.”

“I understand, father,” responded Palacus. “Don’t worry; I will get there before it's too late.”

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Having suddenly lost my edit button, I realised it was difficult to see what was story and what wasn't in the lst post, so I've cleared thing's up for you.

*bump*

Sorry, I want some comments. Or is it that bad?

since you asked for comments i'll give my thoughts...

these things are imho

The one thing i found when reading over it was the lack of details, especially in the first part. You give a good grasp of the tactical situation, and that's all well and good, but it seems impersonal. No description of the main character is given, the march to the scythian camp is not described, we have no idea what is going through Palacus' mind. Did he really want to be marching to war? did he have anger toward for his father for leaving and not coming back for six years? What gave him the will to fight, was he and the reinforcements afraid of these germans?

Such things are a good thing to add into it. Emotion is something lost easily when words and thoughts are put into text; therefore you must tell us all that you can.

When doing dialogue you should end the sentence and do another line for someone else speaking. for example, in the second part you do this: “We shall head west toward the larger German army. Are the men ready? Yes sir, just waiting for the order to set off.”

If I am not mistaken two people are speaking there, but i have no idea who the second is. In order for this to read correctly you need to separate the dialogue, explain who is speaking and how (if you want to explain how, adds depth) and then go on.

This story has potential, I hope you find what i said useful... :bow:

Monk gave me the whip for the collossal empire because my mistakes! Now he's got you! Time to really shape up.


Ps mo ofence intended if so.

No it's fine thanks.

I was sure i had made all the new paragraphs for new speech, thanks.

I'll edit the first bit with some edits that include emotion, empathy etc.

Good. by the way a new TOT part is done.