The Life of Brutus by Berserker!

As you know, my first story, The collosal empire, was the start of my RTW stories, so let the story begin! note; the name for this story came from Craterus and i will probarly do a better story than my first because Monk told me my faults in the story.


Part 1: Introduction

If you had read the colossal empire in the mead hall you will know that Brutus was the heir of Manius. Manius had a extroidinary life and so, became king of the mighty Romans! But he died, so I'll tell you about Brutus.

Part 2: Brutus's life

Brutus was tall and speedy, he was young and handsome, he was a professional at fighting and leading, he was also good at philosophy, in short, the kind of general you want. Many people respected him even before he became king(this was before Manius died), Manius must have envied him because of that, he was only a street rat before joining the army and no one respected him. Brutus had the best of life, a loving wife and two children, both of them were boys, their names were Tiberus and Manius II,(Brutus loved his father so that's why his boy was called that) the two boys were like miniuture versions of Brutus.

Right, I'll show you the next part tomorrow or tonight, depending on what mood I'm in. I really hope I've did this story better than my previous story. Bye!

Signed
Berserker!

By the way, please show me my grammar and spelling mistakes.

Ok another part



Part 3:Signing up

Okay,I'll will tell you how Brutus joined the army, this was before Manius's death.

It was 60bc. Brutus was thinking about joining the army, now that in a year,his children would be at the apporipate age for joining the army. So he did, and I'll tell you how. Brutus was sent to a great general,general Lucius. The interview was in a dark dusty room and was silent, the only noises were water dripping from the leaky ceiling, you get the idea.

"This is my interview room? I mean, for a great general who had many heroic victories, his interview room is this?" thought Brutus."So you're Brutus aren't you?"said the general "yes."

Okay, I will not repeat all the words, you can imagine though. One tip was that it was a very sucessful for Brutus. Then when the interview was nearly finished the general said:"Are you the son of Manius by any chance?" "Yes sir, I am. So what is it?"

General Lucius smiled."Do you know that I was the one who let Manius join the army even though he was a street rat?"
Brutus gasped at the general."Wh..what..you pulling my leg,right?" Lucius grinned like a idiot."No, I'm not pulling your leg!"

Brutus thought for a moment. What if Lucius never let Manius into the army? He would be a street rat, he would not have his wife and his intelligent children, he might have not been born! Brutus hugged the general when his thought finished. " I knew what you were think there!" laughed Lucius. After that moment a man came in. "What was going on in there? I heard laughing in there, what was going on?" the man said. Lucius smiled."It's a long story, a very long story..."

Ok, that's enough. new part coming tonight maybe.

Another part

Part 4: The army

After Brutus finished his interview he was given second command in Lucius's army. Lucius told brutus what troops he had in his army. "Now, Brutus, my army is mainly heavy infantry.I have 8 Hastati units, they all have been in my army for 20 odd years or so. Their job is to wear down the enemy front line. Oddly they usually destroy almost the WHOLE army, they're so great at their job that only once they ran away, and at that time I tolds them too, so take good care of them. I have 16 Principles and 10 Triarii, they're pretty much the same as the Hastati. I've got 6 units of Legionary calvary. They are the perfect flanking force and very good in prolonged combat. They're so good that they can beat Sacred Band Calvary in hand-to-hand combat. 4 units of archers, they're brilliant. We have 6 Velites, they're brilliant too. Okay, now here's a problem; The remaining Egpytian army is even more numerous than us, and they have the same kind extroidinary statitistics as us, so the only way we can destroy that army is to use miltary genius." said Lucius.

another part might be done tonight.

oh by the way please rate my story so I know if I'm doing good

Ok, do you know of the use of semi-colons? I've seen a few opportunities at which you could have used these. Semi-colons are used instead of commas if both clauses could stand on their own as sentences.

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Brutus was tall and speedy; he was young and handsome; he was a professional at fighting and leading; he was also good at philosophy, in short, the kind of general you want.

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This is an updated, version of your opening sentence, but even without semi-colons it was a great sentence, well done!

Quote:

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The remaining Egpytian army is ...

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this clause is after a semi-colon and therefore the the T in The should not be in capitals.

I'll leave it there for now, but so far it's a great story, well done Beserker, an improvement on your last story.

Craterus what would you give my story out of 10, not including the grammar and spelling

7 for plot, although, I don't understand his recruitment to the army part, a general's son will always have a position as general open to him and therefore would not have to go through an interview, but other than that, it was good, well done.

okay Craterus, you've a good point

No problem, happy to help. I look forward to hearing more of the story!

Okay another part

Part 5:Letter

Lucius came up to Brutus on his trusty steed. "Brutus, a letter came from your wife and children, wait a couple of moments, a messenger is coming." said Lucius. Lucius had a little 'I know somthing you don't know' expression on his face. Brutus was a bit suspicious of that look. What was hiding? Was he hiding anything at all? Soon the messenger came up and said:"Sire, here's your letter." Brutus read the letter from his wife and children. It was a normal letter saying that they were fine and happy, and wishing good luck to Brutus and his army.
Brutus smiled. He walked off, then by chance, dropped his letter, picked it up and then noticed something. Something about the messenger's hair.What was it? find out at half past 2

Ok I know i meant to post the next part at half past but I feel like doing another part anyway.

Part 6: The secret

What was about the messenger's hair? It was that a rectangle shape of hair was missing. "Errrr... Lucius, why is his hair like that?" asked Brutus. Lucius went up to the man and poured blood over the rectangle. Then the words " wife and kids,hostage,egypt."appeared. Brutus face lighted up red with anger and swore an oath. Brutus declared that they would walk over to Memphis and exterminate the populace, destroying the huge Egyptian army along the way.

Stay tuned for another part.

another part

Part 7: March

The march was long and treacharous;sandstorms blew up in army's faces;snakes were a major pest, one high-ranking officer was nearly killed by a poisonious snake; and.. well, you get the idea. An estimate of 500 people got killed along the way; 200 men was klled by native villigers. Then they met the army they were looking for. A small amount of men from the Egyptian and Roman army came up to meet each other. The battle was on....

Okay another part shall be done tonight.

another part


Part 8:Skirmish

The small amount of men met each other. it was a skirmish. Lucius commanded the skirmish."Men, here's your orders! Hastati, line up in row, 10 ranks deep, if the velites are in trouble, one unit can go and help the velites, as for the rest you would stay behing help the other hastati if help is really needed! Velites, line up in two rows, spread out, 5 ranks deep, once emeny is in range, fire two volleys then go behind Hastati! If it is calvary charge at you fire one then get back, then, Hastati, you take out your pila and charge at the calvary, Velites throwing volleys at calvary to help !" ordered lucius. "Aye, sir!" chanted the men. " Remember the plan! The Egyptians are coming!" cried Lucius. Things were working to plan. The calvary charged at the Velites, but a volley killed the calvary unit's officer and 50 more, taking out a third of the unit's men. Then the Velites ran behind the Hastati, then the Hastati charged at the calvary with their pila and slaughtered the calvary. Then the infantry ran up to the Hastati and charged. The same results happened to the infantry as well as the calvary. The skirmish was a complete victory to the Romans, having lost only 10 men. Then the real battle began...... what happened well that is for another part, expect the new part tomorrow

Oh by the way I'd like some idea s for my next part:Battle. I'm looking for an idea that includes Lucius's death the Roman's win at a rather high price, like a third of them got killed

Another part. note part 9, Battle, shall be split into 3 parts.

Part 9a:Battle

The Roman army had a couple of advantages against the Egyptians. First of all, The entire Roman army was on a large dune, shaped like a box. It was incrediblily hard to climb it but now that they were on it, the Egyptians would have a hell of a time to get up on the dune. The Egpytians tried to climb the dune but were met by flaming firepots and many arrows and javilens(A small army merged with Lucius's army so now Lucius had archers and onager) The Egyptians decided to fire boulders at the army to force them down. What happpens next? find out tonight.

Part 9b:Battle

Lucius was worried. What if one of those firepots hit him? "Ah stuff this, I'm outta here." he thought. And so, he got the hell out of there. He ran as fast as he could but then a unit of Numidian calvary mercinaries threw many javilens at Lucius. All of the javilens missed Lucius luckily. But.... they charged at Lucius and also a great ball of fire droppeddown on Lucius."Noooooooooo!!" he cried. then Brutus saw the carnage."Nooooooooooooooo!!!" cried Brutus as a Numidian git sticked his knife in Lucius's throat. The bodyguards charged at the Numidian unit, slughtering them, as they did with Lucius. Brutus told his men to charge at the Egyptians even thought many men were killed by the onagers. What happens next? Well, that is going to be told tomorrow

another part

Part 9c: the end of battle.

When the men charged down the hill Brutus was in the front of them all. Archers and skirmishers fired at each other, taking large losses. Infantry were killing each other and calvary rode over the bodies of dead soldiers. Brutus charged at some peasents.120 peasents against Brutus and 30 bodyguards. "Charge!" cried Brutus. Brutus ran over 3 peasents killing each of them. Brutus stabbed a peasent and whacked another with his shield. Then the peasents ran away having lost 100 men then Brutus chased them he jumped on one of the fleeing peasents and killed him. He then told 5 bodyguards to chase the routing peasent and the others followed Brutus. "Charge that elite phalanx!" cried Brutus. So they did, slaughtering the whole unit. Just then a boulder fell on the bodyguards, killing most of them. The rest ran away.Then a entire unit of axemen charge at Brutus( Remember Manius when he got surrounded?) Anyway Brutus's horse got killed and he was surrounded! Brutus tried to kill them all but more troops poured on the fight. Soon Brutus was fighting against 1000 soldiers. Brutus had killed 200 of them. Then Manius's ghost appeared. The fighting stopped. They stood in awe at the ghost. " How dare you try and kill my son! Eat this!!!!" and then a collossal explosion set off killing every Egyptian soldier."Dad! I can't you more!" Then Manius smiled and dissipeared. " Men, we are victorius!!" This was greeted by a cheer of happiness and triumph. Lucius was buried at the spot he died. The Roman army marched into Memphis masscared the populace and rescued his wife and kids.
Of course no one ever lives forever... so then when Brutus died his 2 kids, Tiberus and Manius II took over, sharing the throne. Now how they got on,that is for another story.

The End. Thank you for reading:bow:

And also may I thank Craterus, Monk and others who have took their time to read this.:bow:

I would say; start by including more of the story.

you're on the right track berserker and you're definitely improving. I'd try to make the parts longer, some seem very small. an example of which is part six. it seems like it was done quickly and much more could have been done there. or it could have been put in part 5.

you might also want to change your numbers to words. like 5 turning into five, unless you're saying something like...

"the screen suddenly flashed to life. a number of characters appear in white lettering: 763jtr"

its just a thought, as saying 'one hundred' instead of '100' helps the reader immerse themselves a bit more into the story. imho that is.

but other than those two things i'd say you're improving.

Do any of yous think I should do a remake of the collosal empire?

oh and thank you Monk, your lesson has been used in my Twins of Triumph(Like the title?) go and see it

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Originally Posted by Berserker!

Do any of yous think I should do a remake of the collosal empire?

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I would leave it be. it lets you look back and make comparisons on where your skill is and where it was.