This probably isn't the right place to talk about this(angst ladden no loger do I feel dirty after looking at myspace), but I want to speak of this.
I hate me. I really hate me.
In the chat room I have discussed someone I love with some of you, BKS, Prince Laridus Konivaich(Ada I think), Proletariat mostly. And I speak of her again.
I suppose I should tell the backstory first. I was a senior at our school and she came as a new student. She joined the varsity quiz team which I was a member. The first day of practice and she suggests that we genocide be used to silence some annoying members of the team. My jaw dropped. Only I would say something that violent. Perhaps she is like me. First semester goes by. At the very end of it, during a fire drill she pokes me and laughs. What? More time goes by. Start of Science Olympiad, and she signs up, which surprised me but I thought was good. Later in one of the meetings she grrrs at me. This can't be. State Science olympiad competitions come. I say something about destroying all life, and she asks what about her. As the award ceremony ends I'm giving high fives to the team, she comes. Graps hand, hold, eyes meet, emotional warmth. Time passes. I ask her to prom, and was happy there, not that we did anything aside from cuddle. Then we don't actually do anything except communicate. She breaks up with her boyfriend, although I'm positive I didn't have anything to do with it. If someone asks, I'll explain why I think so. And it continues with only communication. The Science Olympiad nationals come. We break off before and after the events. We made out, but didn't have sex. Almost did. maybe stopping was a mistake. Too late now I suppose. After science olympiad we do communicate, but that is all. Although, we did agree to be in a relationship. We said we should do something after school ends. The first week passes, I stupidly say nothing. Until today.
But before I ask her about going out, she tells me that she's got back together with her old boyfriend. I suspected they were moving together, since she mentioned that they were going out. Ok, maybe we can still hang out(was this what I was thinking at the time? I don't remeber and looking over the conversation doesn't remind me). I'm moving toward suggesting it, and she says it's a bad idea. I asked why. She said because she would kiss me. Afterward, I was very cruel, advertantly at least that's what I remember. Worse I went back on what I said before. She called me out, and I apologised. I am such a fool. For a while, pain. Now, hmmm. Very little resentment. Just emptiness and isolation with minimal prospect of escape from it. Fortunately, her summer is looking up since she is going to be around her boyfriend. He makes her very, and if that can make me happy without a shred of reservations consistantly much will be better. But I still don't think that would be enough. How not to miss her presence? That is something I need to do, but don't want to. Hmmf, I suppose it would be better if I did this on my own, oh well.
Take that for what you will. And someone please comment on this, at least if you want to.
