The ORG Comedy club

Post all your jokes, funny pics, one-liners etc. here! Just as long as they do not involve discrimination, sexual content, foul language or anything else that does not comply with ORG rules. Also, if you take them from books, websites or any other source please give credit.

Here is one of mine:

A burglar decides to find a nice, rich house to rob. He finds one that seems to be quite poorly guarded and climbs through the window, not setting off any alarms or anything. He walks across the floor and hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

So the burglar hears this voice and looks around, becoming more cautious of the situation. He decides that nothing is wrong and decides to go over to the nice looking plasma TV in the corner. Just as he picks it up, he hears the voice again.

"Jesus is watching you."

This makes him really nervous, so he looks around and still can't see anything that could be making the noise. So he says: "Oh no, err, Jesus? Please don't kill me or anything. Just let me have a hi-fi, and then I promise I'll never do it again." But then he hears the same thing again.

"Jesus is watching you."

So, fed up, the burglar gets out his torch and shines it around the room. He shines it on what looks to be an old bird-cage with a parrot inside. Sure enough, the parrot says...

"Jesus is watching you."

This makes the burglar quite relieved, so he says to the parrot... "Oh god, you gave me a real shock. What's your name?"

"Moses."

Surprised, the burglar says: "Huh? What kind of people would call a parrot Moses?"

"The same people who would call a Rottweiler Jesus."

(told to me by a friend of mine)

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

a stick

i love lightning, it's my best invention since the rock

"Man walks into a bar.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Ouch!

I got blonde jokes, but would that come under discrimination? A lot of good jokes are based around discrimination and sexual content...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silver Rusher

Just as long as they do not involve discrimination, sexual content, foul language

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That discounts every one of my (funny) jokes.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

This next one is good at parties. Use it on a hot chick.

What's a 600 pound polar bear good for? Breaking the ice.

Works every time. ~:cool:

My girlfriend said she wanted me to take her to someplace she's never been before, I said "try the kitchen,"

Ok so there was this one bar, and on the counter there was a huge jar of quarters. There had to be at least 300 bucks in there, so a guy goes up to the bar and says "What's the quarters for?" So the bartender says "I got an emotionless horse, if you can get him to show emotion, you get all the quarters." So the guy puts a quarter down and the bartender leads him to the horse. The man goes up the the horse and whispers somthing in it's ear and the horse starts laughing. So he gets the quarters. Next year, the same man comes back, goes to see the horse, and the horse starts crying. So the bartender says "how'dya do that?" And the man says, "Last year, I told the horse I had a bigger wang than him. This year, I showed him."

Massachusetts: Our Taxes are lower than Swedens! [in most tax brackets, anyway]

A preist preacher and rabbi are on a ship with kids and the ship hits an iceberg and the rabbi says "we need to get off" so the preacher says "what about the kids" the rabbi says "**** the kids" the preist looking stunned says "do we still have time" ~:cheers:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by strike for the south

A preist preacher and rabbi are on a ship with kids and the ship hits an iceberg and the rabbi says "we need to get off" so the preacher says "what about the kids" the rabbi says "Fu*k the kids" the preist looking stunned says "do we still have time" ~:cheers:

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I heard that one! posted that one here at the org actually if i remember.

Did you here about the Dyslexic Devil Worshippers?
They sold their souls to santa ~:cheers:

Some lightbulb jokes:

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The lightbulb does not exist; it is merely an illusion.

How many perfectionists does it take to change a lightbulb?

2. One to change it, and one to change it again making sure it is done correctly.

How many liberal politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll only promise change.

How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Only one, but it takes at least three lightbulbs.

How many military officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

3. One to change it, and 2 to yell at him while he does it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silver Rusher

Some lightbulb jokes:

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4. How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Non, that's a hardware problem.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by drone

4. How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Non, that's a hardware problem.

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What's the 4 for?

well I guess he means it was light bulb joke number 4.. since you ended at 3..

:balloon2:

I am this close (makes small gap with fingers) to have a frustrated outburst.

The 3 on the last point meant that it TAKES THREE PEOPLE TO CHANGE THE LIGHTBULB, AND THAT IS NOT THE NUMBERING OF THE JOKES. :furious3: :furious3: :furious3: :furious3: :furious3:

What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexic association.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silver Rusher

I am this close (makes small gap with fingers) to have a frustrated outburst.

The 3 on the last point meant that it TAKES THREE PEOPLE TO CHANGE THE LIGHTBULB, AND THAT IS NOT THE NUMBERING OF THE JOKES. :furious3: :furious3: :furious3: :furious3: :furious3:

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Sorry about that, I think I read your post too quickly.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silver Rusher

What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexic association.

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Dyslexics Untie!!!

Quote:

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AND THAT IS NOT THE NUMBERING OF THE JOKES

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Ok my bad ~;) didn't mean I didn't get your jokes though SR ~:cheers:

:balloon2:

That's alright, I think I probably over-reacted...

A man goes into a bar of the top floor of a skyscraper. He has a couple of pints and then sees a guy jump out of the window. He rushes over just in time to see him fly back through the window. With a look of bewilderment on his face, he watches the man jump out of the window a second time, fall down about 10 storeys then bounce back up on nothing but air. He flies back through the window again, and the other man asks "How on earth did you do that?". So the man replies "I'm the architect who designed this building, and I designed it so that the air displaced when I fall is recirculated through the curviture of the design, throwing me back up into the air. That's what stops me from falling too far." After hearing this, the other man is amazed but not convinced so he says: "I think I'll give it a miss. I don't think I believe what you just said." The architect says "Suits yourself." and jumps out of the window one more time, again falling 10 storeys but then flying back up. So the man decides to give it a try, seeing that it worked for the architect. He jumped out of the window and fell down... 10 storeys... 20 storeys... 30 storeys... 40 storeys... 50 storeys until eventually his body made a huge mess on the pavement. The bartender walks over to the window, sees what happened and then says:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Superman, you're so cruel when you're drunk.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silver Rusher

Post all your jokes, funny pics, one-liners etc. here! Just as long as they do not involve discrimination, sexual content, foul language or anything else that does not comply with ORG rules.

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So this Irish lesbian bastard walks into a bar...






















what?

Q: Which famous fruit conquered much of the known world?
A: Alexander the Grape.