Another flash of inspiration

This one is an actual piece of writing though ~;)

I wrote this one this morning. Its short and a bit messy, but I was sitting on a lecture and had to take notes concurrently, so my apologies in advance if it could be clearer.

As always comments are welcome.
:bow:


One day I will die. One day we will all die.

I hope someone kills me and I don't die by myself electrocuted in the bath or pissing myself in an asylum. I will then, turn around, let myself fall gracefully to the ground, my face in the mud and let my soul knock on heaven's gates.

I will ride to the gates on stolen horses and I'll watch the desert around those heavenly locks. I will watch an old man trying to open the gates and fail because the locks are rusty and old. I will watch the soldier guarding the gates yawn and listen to him telling me about the apples in the garden. The apples are forbidden and he will shoot me if I take one.

Then the old man will be back, with the maintenance people. He will be shouting at them for not caring enough about their job. They will start opening the gate again, and the soldier, after studying me, will say that the shooters will always shoot you stright in the head and he'll add that they never miss.

I will spit on the hard and dry ground, and the gates will be finally opnened. And we will rush into the beautiful garden at the other side. And I will finally realise that the old man is Peter, and he will look at me and I´ll see tears in his eyes.

Then I´ll see the appletrees with the forbidden apples and I will watch them and the guards with their rifles will be patrolling around.

I will steal some apples, and gallop my stolen horses out of the garden. And I will be shot in the head, and none of the gurads will miss. But I will bring you, my dear, some heavenly apples. Because I know you were waiting for me here on earth.

A rather unconventional view of afterlife.

Well written, but I feel I am missing something.
:dizzy:

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Originally Posted by Ludens

A rather unconventional view of afterlife.

Well written, but I feel I am missing something.
:dizzy:

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Yeah.... Paradise with a bit of communist agenda...~D I just thought it would be curious, and maybe slightly ironic too.

Very nice, I liked it. It got that casual F.Y. attitude that I love. Do continue to have those flashes.

Cheers
Nev

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SwordsMaster

Yeah.... Paradise with a bit of communist agenda...~D I just thought it would be curious, and maybe slightly ironic too.

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It was. Poetic description is something just never have been able to master, but I second Nevyn's statement. :yes:

Talking about inspiration, are you going to continue "A Man's Hat"?

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Originally Posted by Ludens

It was. Poetic description is something just never have been able to master, but I second Nevyn's statement. :yes:

Talking about inspiration, are you going to continue "A Man's Hat"?

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I can't get enough time to actually prepare it although I do have a vague description of where it is going.... The thing is, if I want to make it even a little life-like I need to do some research and that is what I can't get time to do.

I'll try.

I do have a few ideas for short pieces like this one. Lectures provide a lot of brainstorming time.

Thanks for the comments :bow: