Re: In theGlare of the Sun
this being my first attempt at writing anything legible in the last two months i need some feedback please. If i can't get that i'll abandon the project. no sense in going further if no one even cares to read/comment.
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
I'm not a warhammer fan myself and I think you could have exploited the setting a bit more, but I like the style and I'm curious to see how is this going to be followed. Please continue.
Re: In the Glare of the Sun
Monk:
Sorry about the delay. I actually read this yesterday, but didn't have the time to say anything truly constructive until today.
Now, it's a Friday afternoon, the chair is comfortable, and my beer is cold. Let's take another look.
Initially, as always, you tell a good story. By that I mean specifically: (1) when I read your story I have no problem believing it (and I don't even know what a Warhammer 40k universe is), (2) I didn't find any obviously critical errors -- gaping plot holes or similar problems, etc., and (3) it help my interest for more than two or three paragraphs.
And again, as always, I note that you write well, which means I wasn't distracted by any grammatical errors or other obvious problems.
Overall, I really liked the story -- maybe because I'm a fan of good war stories. I throught conflict was well developed and I'm looking forward to what lies ahead.
Some things you may want to consider:
1. To me, your style tends to be a little flat. Your opening is good, with the explosion and the screams; your reader knows something bad is happening. But then you sort of drift into paragraph after paragraph of one event following another. You tend to explain the story rather than tell it.
2. Descriptions. One reason the story seems a little flat is because there aren't many description (I'm going to write an essay on descriptions this weekend); just a series of events, one after another. Description can help you pace a story as well as add feeling of the story. Good descriptions are the special effects of writing.
Let me give you an example:
Your paragraph.
The ship accelerated and broke through the force field of the docking bay, the forward thrusters fired slowing its speed as it sat down gently, exhaust and dust being thrown about inside. Tibernius shifted as he felt the transport set down. It was time; the voice came back over the intercom one last time, “Forward in his name! The emperor protects!” the rear ramp dropped with a creak and hit the floor of the bay with a small and the guardsmen filed out. They were the hammer of the emperor, and they would prevail. Could anything truly stop them, thought Tibernius. As he raced down the ramp with his lasrifle at the ready a contingent of Orks broke out from the opposite side of the bay and opened fire on the guard. He turned his rifle toward them and returned fire. A bright red stream filing out of his rifle as his fellow soldiers found cover behind scattered space fighters and debris. The soldier watched his beam slice through the green, muscled skin of the Ork brute leading them, yet it was nothing to the creature as it led its ‘boyz’ in a charge against the guardsmen.
Now, let's break it up a bit. We'll also add a bit of description to enhance it:
My Paragraph (a suggestion, certainly not the only way).
The ship accelerated, shuddering as it broke through the docking bay force field. Suddenly the forward thrusters fired, and the ship groaned, reluctantly slowing until it came to rest gently on the dock. Exhaust and dust clouded the windows.
Tibernius shifted in his seat. It was time.
The voice cracked the intercom one last time: "Forward in his name! The Emperor protects!"
"C'mon," one of the guardsmen said, "let's do this."
Now the rear ramp creaked, lowering quickly until it clanged against the floor of the bay. Following the noise, there was a pause of silence.
And then they appeared.
Throughout the Empire they were referred to as the Hammer of the Emperor: they were the Guardsmen. Their reputation was as impressive as their record was flawless. As they raced off the ship, Tibernius couldn't help but wonder if anything could truly stop them.
Tibernius was yanked from his musings by a flash of sparks and fire. The Guardsmen quickly assumed a defensive position, Glancing around widly, Tibernius spotted the Orks. They were firing the opposite side of the bay.
"Find cover," a voice cried.
As the Guardsmen scattered to positions of safety, Tibernius squeezed a single red stream of light out of his rifle. For a moment the chaos seemed to pause and Tibernius watched as his beam sliced through the green, muscular skin of the Ork leader.
The brute roared. With a single wave of its huge arm, it motioned its group forward. Tibernius' shot hadn't slowed the creature at all.
And chaos returned. The Guardsmen began to return fire and Tibernius dropped behind a hunk of metal that was all that remained of a space fighter's tail stabilizer. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his arm and turned to see another Guardsmen, a new man he barely knew, falling backward with a slight twist, as if grab something, and bouncing off the still extended metal ramp of the ship.
Or something like that. Okay, what have we done?
We've added more dialog -- not just dialog, but dialog that reveals emotion and helps tell the story. Rather than say: "The Guardsmen found cover," we had someone tell them -- a legitimate use of dialog.
We added some descriptions (and used some of yours ~;)), mixing them up in smaller paragraphs. As a general rule, smaller, tighter paragraphs are helpful to convey to the reader a sense of urgency and action.
Finally we've emphasized the real theme of the story (or what I think is the real theme -- sorry if I'm wrong): Can the Guardsmen be beaten? Is this their last stand? We're not just talking about winning or loosing an engagement, we're talking about destoying a reputation. Suddenly, the conflict isn't just physical, it's emotional. The stakes have suddenly gone up, way up.
Monk, none of this means I didn't like your story. Actually, I liked it a lot. These are just some suggestions on things you might do differently.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing how this ends.
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
Thanks a bunch for replying Sword and TSO.
TSO: thanks for the suggestions. This intro was more of a trial run for my mind to see if i could really get something good down again, and imho i find it a bit sloppy as i read over it. I let words be repeated as they describe events and some things that could be really interesting, as you point out, fall flat when it comes to description.
The one thing i find when i read over most of my stories is they degenerate into being flat, one sided and not thoroughly explained, like a playing card. I'm going to take what you said and your example to heart and work on my style. indeed thank you for showing me where i can improve on, this is the feedback i was hoping for :bow:
and i'll continue this when i have time to, again thanks for the help.
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
The Orks poured into the docking bay, driven on by screams from their leader Nobz to push the humans back. The imperial guardsmen, outnumbered and slowly being surrounded, were struggling to keep a foothold around their shuttlecraft and one by one were being slaughtered. Despite their growing advantage, the orks yearned for close combat. They needed to fight hand to hand to truly satiate their battle-lust
Gorgutz tossed a stick bomb toward the guards and quickly followed with a burst of rounds from his pistol. The mechanism of death roared to life, spewing lead into the imperial position as he let a snarl escaped his sharp teeth. Sweat rolled down his green skin as he could barely keep behind a piece of ruinous hull. He could feel the desire to fight with his knife rather than his pistol.
“Come on ya’ Gretchin’ lovin’ Nobz!” shouted one of the bigger, greener orks as he stood brandishing a crude waraxe. “Let’s get ‘em!”
Gorgutz grinned widely as he stood tall, firing his pistol in the air as he charged forward without waiting another moment. He pulled out a great knife with a curved and bloody blade letting out a monstrous roar. “’ast on der iz a weird boy!” he cried eggin his comrades on. Around him rose up many others, their green hides appearing strong as they fixed their eyes on the Imperial guard. Satisfied, twisted smiles came over them as they charged. Gorgutz lifted his knife and swung it above his head around and around; calling his fellow warriors to follow him. And follow they did.
“Incoming!!” screamed a guardsman as he turned his rifle to the Orks, firing franticly into their mass. The Imperials fired on the charging mass, their streams of light cutting into the Orks with ease and downing the creatures left and right. Yet when one fell to the ground another would simply spring over the body and the charge would go unhindered.
Tibernius yanked a magazine from his rifle as steam bellowed from within, it was near overheating yet he couldn’t stop firing just yet. He slammed another energy pack into its place and readied his weapon. He turned his head and looked over the ruinous debris that was the sore excuse for cover he and his fellow guardsmen had found. And what he saw horrified him. The orks were charging, and at their head was one single warrior, waving a single bloody war knife over top himself.
The guardsmen took aim at the Ork, eyeing him up quickly and firing. Time seemed to slow down as he pulled the trigger. Much like his first shot inside the ork ship; he watched the bright red stream spiral out of his gun and plummet toward the ork. Yet this time the beast would not fare so well against his aim. His energy stream cut through the ork’s right eye and traveled through its head and out again, releasing its red life force upon the ork behind. The beast screamed in agony but refused to go down.
Tibernius squeezed off a number of shots in quick succession, each burring themselves deep within the ork, and this time it fell into a bloody pool on the ground. The guardsmen smirked, “that’s one” he said.
The guard looked to his left as a man rose up; attempting to reposition himself along the line. Yet as he did so a bullet cut through his helmet, blood trickling over his face and sending the human to the ground without so much as a scream. He hit the ground hard as many others had, yet now he was but a hindrance, an obstacle to be dealt with. Tibernius scanned the lines as he saw the dead and dying laying in pools of their own blood.
He could hear screaming all around him, voices of death crying for their Emperor and deliverance from death. None would receive it. He wiped a river of blood etching its way down his face the orks continued to draw ever closer; his Commander was near crouched over surveying the situation.
“Sir!! There’s too many of ‘em!” Tibernius cried voice ragged. “What do we do!?” His commander sat humbly for a moment as he watched the orks draw close, his guards firing franticly into their mass trying to keep them at bay. Yet no matter how many were felled more seemed to be ready to charge. Yet just as quickly as hope seemed lost, it appeared again.
The commander smiled as he shouted “Fall back to the other side of the dock!” his men at first thought it was a trick, a rouse to find the cowards among them so they may die. However the commander was not in the mood for games, his voice became great as he cried angrily “I said fall back you worthless dogs!” The Guardsmen were quick to follow the order this time; they rose up and fired on the orks as they fell back.
Tibernius climbed to his feet as he launched a volley of energy at his enemy, as he did so many around him fell under the onslaught of the orks their blood spraying freely into the air before their bodies fell limp. Bullets bounced off his armor, grazing only barely but enough to get his attention. However the guardsmen eventually made their way back, away from their ship.
The orks pushed forward. “’ats it boyz!” shouted one of the only remaining leaders among the mass. “We got ‘em on da run! ‘eep it movin!” he fired off a few rounds into the air as a warning to cowards, but the orks needed no encouragement. Their battle-lust had been driven so high they would charge into death itself.
The guardsmen pulled back to the other side of the hanger; and as they removed themselves from within range of the shuttle they stopped and again held their position, but this time not firing. The commander pulled out a remote device and punched a few numbers as his men dove behind any cover they could find. He then looked up at the orks charging head long into the line; they were now passing the abandoned positions around the shuttle.
He smiled, pressing a button on the device. Suddenly the computer within the shuttle sprang to life and a moment later fire broke from the engines. Their roar grew quickly as the computer attempted to move the ship. However with the landing gear clamped down tightly the ship was going nowhere. The fire jutting from the engine was growing and with a final button push it burst into a great site.
The orks stopped dead in their charge as they stared at the shuttle curiously. “Lets leg it!” cried an ork fearfully, but by now it was far too late. The engines were taken in an overload and the shuttled erupted in a great ball of fire that consumed the ork mass
The guardsmen stood from their defensive positions and cheered as they watched the explosion turn to a roaring fire. Yet before they could celebrate commander eyed them “don’t cheer yet” he said as he then looked to the open hanger door from whence the ork attack had come. “Our job isn’t done.”
---
there. i tried a little different approach with this part. I think this one is far better than the first. comments always welcome ~D
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
Good to see you writing again, Monk.
Very good work!
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
Tibernius moved forward cautiously, each step a slow meticulous test of will. His feet flattening on the near breaking hull one after the other moving him forward as his eyes scanned the left and right. The booming sound of plasma waves and rail guns from the space battle still raging outisde echoed into the hull of the ship; yet by now the sound of war was but a sweet tune to him.
The guardsman stopped dead in his tracks as he looked upon the exit of the long narrow hall he and his squad had been clearing. Blast marks and gaping holes in space covered only by force fields aside, it was baren. There was no ork to be seen. Tibernius took a deep breath, a guard moved passed him. Tibernius grabbed his shoulder quickly, his eyes never straying from their forward position.
“Don’t move” he whispered coarsely.
“Quiet soldier” the guardsman eyed Tibernius. “and keep your eyes out for orks.” The guardsman took another step but was pulled back by Tibernius, nearly causing him to lose balance.
“Listen to me!” the more experience Tibernius hissed. “You take another step we’re all dead.” Squads of guardsmen began to move up behind the two in front, believing it safe.
No sooner than the guardsmen commited their forces insidethe hall than a wall of fire exploded from far down the passage. Green hides appeared from below, above, left and right, and without warning they unloaded their ordinance in the blink of an eye.
Tibernius shoved the guardsman in front of him to the left, pushing him from the field of fire just as the bullets screamed by. Cutting their way through the humans behind and letting their blood fly free; in the same motion he dove to his right, a trail of tracer fire following his movements until he disappeared behind a broken open access opening
The guardsman looked at Tibernius, his eyes wide with fear. Tibernius locked eyes with the younger soldier as the orks fired on the exposed guardsmen who now took cover. A smile appeared on the soldiers face, yet before he could enjoy his moment of safety the smile turned to a grimace. The soldier’s head heaved violently and in a red mist he fell to the ground.
Tibernius shifted his attention to the orks and returned fire without another thought. His was but the first beam of retribution for the fallen to be loosed, however the guardsmen were denied the right to strike back. Their lasgun fire absorbing quietly and leaving humble burn marks in the metal of the ship instead of slaying their target. The orks had better cover and the upperhand as they continued their reign of fire undaunted; their bullets and projectiles roared, slamming themselves into metal and flesh alike.
Tibernius flattened his back against the wall; his commander was nowhere to be seen as he watched his comrades huddle in fear of the orks attack. A guardsman attempting to stand to move out of the hallway, his cowardice was overcome only by his foolishness. The orks took to him like hungry lions take to wounded prey. Tibernius watched in silence as his armor was ripped to pieces by the heavy guns the orks used. His body heaved and contorted until finally falling in disgrace to himself and the unit.
“Kasrkins!” Tibernius screamed as loud as he could. Yet his voice was drowned in a sea of gunfire. He looked over his shoulder at the ork positions down the hall. If only he could silence them for a moment he thought.
The veteran spied a guard near him cowering behind a piece of fallen hull. His hands were holding onto his helmet and his rifle was far from him instead of in his hands. The guard would wince when a bullet hit near him, shaking terribly and not even trying to get to his weapon. He was a disgrace, a coward. It made Tibernius seethe to see him dishonour the unit.
“Guardsman!” cried Tibernius, the ork attack made his voice seem but a whisper but the cowardly soldier heard him, looking up in confusion. “Yes you” shouted Tibernius in anger "What the hell do you think you’re doing!? Fight!” the orks shot up the soldier’s rifle causing it to jump into the air and land but arms reach from him. He reached out to it but again as the sound of stray bullets landing near him hit he drew back.
“I can’t!” he admitted aloud. “I don’t want to die sir!”
“The orks are laughing at you soldier! They are mocking you!” Tibernius shouted trying to motivate him. “You want them cursing your family name!? Dishonoring our Emperor!?” Yet the guardsman made no move to claim his weapon. The orks continued their barrage and the pinned down guardsmen could give no response.
Tibernius was wasting enough time with this man; he pulled his rifle up to his shoulder and pointed it directly at him. “If you don’t fight I will kill you.” The soldier looked up at Tibernius, his eyes wide with fear.
“No you can’t!” he shouted trying not to lose his voice in the chaos.
“Then prove yourself to the me and the Emperor!” Tibernius nodded to the man’s rifle. “Pick up your sword. The Emperor will be your shield!” it was nothing but textbook proverbs. Yet the words combined with the threat of death stirred the coward’s heart. What was he doing he thought. Here his comrades were fighting and dieing yet he had not the strength to wield his weapon.
The soldier nodded solemnly as he looked at Tibernius, who was still ready to fire and kill him. The ork fire splashed and bounced all around the rifled as the man quickly reached out and grabbed it. Pulling it to him he held it close, ready to fight.
Tibernius smiled; perhaps he could be of use after all. He slipped his eye around the corner just enough to get a look at the orks. Their field of fire was narrowing, they were moving forward. He looked back to the soldier.
“Now its time to prove to the Emperor you are worthy of fighting for him” Tibernius pulled out a plasma grenade from his pack and held it in his hand. The guard looked at him curiously. Tibernius peeked out again, the orks were closer this time, and he just needed a few moments to clear a way for reinforcements.
As the orks shifted their field of fire to the door behind Tibernius and the few remaining guardsmen near the front he tossed the grenade to the soldier. The soldier caught it cautiously, trying not to set it off in his hands. Tibernius pointed at the grenade and then the orks. “Silence them! The kasrkins are pinned down at the door!”
The soldier nodded as he held the grenade. He took a deep breath and flopped down on his stomach positioning himself right as he raced the orks from behind cover. “Faith.. is all that matters!” shouted Tibernius as the soldier closed his eyes tightly and with a tiny hop stood up on his knees. He heaved the grenade toward the ork lines just as a wave of bullets smashed their way into his body.
His eyes opened in horrible pain as he cried loudly. The grenade soared through the air as it clicked, primed, and hit the ground near the orks. “Sca’er!” cried a big nob as a tiny controlled explosion ripped through their ranks. The soldier fell upon his back screaming from multiple wounds as Tibernius shouted as loud as he could.
“Kasrkins up front!” following his voice a wave of black masked soldiers rushed into the room. Their repeating rifles opening up with a rumbling boom as they strafed the ork lines, enacting revenge for the bodies of their comrades now laying motionless, strewn about the hallway. The orks turned and ran as their advantage had been crushed.
Tibernius opened fire as well into ork withdrew. The kasrkins followed them clearing all in their path. The guard stood as he followed the karskin push. Yet after but a moment he stopped and looked over his shoulder at the man who he'd labeled a coward. The guard lay in silence on the ground next to the many brave men who Tibernius did not even know; yet together they had shed blood.
He gave a silent nod to the man who had proved himself worthy of the emperor, turned his head and hurried down the hall toward the sound of gunfire.
--------
Thanks Ludens :bow:
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
Are you going to finish this story, Monk? It would be a pity if you did not. The Mead Hall is in need of a new epic. :book:
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
I agree with Ludens please continue
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ludens
Are you going to finish this story, Monk? It would be a pity if you did not. The Mead Hall is in need of a new epic. :book:
Epic? I wouldn't go that far...
The plot line of this story has been reworked, tossed around, scrapped, rebuilt, expanded, scrapped again and then salvaged once more :dizzy2: .
What i wanted to do with this story was expand my writing and do more than just war scenes, which, i would have to say i am becoming good at; yet slightly bored with. I've been trying to "flesh out" my characters, but the habit of just leaving them faceless and going into a "godlike" view of a war can be done easily... and one can slip into it without even knowing it causing whole pages to be dumped.
I know i haven't written anything in ages, but i am planning on continuing this thing soon. I've almost got everything to a point where i like it, its believable for the fluff of 40k, and its a decent enough read.
Is there a point to this rambling? maybe not.. its 5 am afterall and i look like this.. :skull: .
The next chapter/part/installment-thing... can probably be expected either within the next week or so or a little later. why has it taken so long? well because i soon realised after starting this story that it can very easily degenerate into something like the last story i did, which i do not want to do. That would be dull as heck.. so i took the elements i had, shredded them down to the bare essentials that i could not change (what i had already written here) and added to that with ideas from expanding on a possible situation in the 40k universe.
Let me say one last thing, this story does not have anything to do with the story-line of the 40k universe. I am only using it as a template if you will, for the story i intend to tell.
and so... yes... thats it :yes:
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
Quote:
Originally Posted by Monk
The plot line of this story has been reworked, tossed around, scrapped, rebuilt, expanded, scrapped again and then salvaged once more :dizzy2: .
What i wanted to do with this story was expand my writing and do more than just war scenes, which, i would have to say i am becoming good at; yet slightly bored with. I've been trying to "flesh out" my characters, but the habit of just leaving them faceless and going into a "godlike" view of a war can be done easily... and one can slip into it without even knowing it causing whole pages to be dumped.
I am glad to hear this story still is active, and your intentions to focus more on characters and less on battles sounds very promising. I hope you can make it work.
Good luck with writing!
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
this is actually a really good story! i enjoyed reading it and i hope you continue to make it more complete... keep it up :thumbsup:
Re: In the Glare of the Sun
It is with a heavy heart and great disappointment that i have come to the choice to end this project. The reason is simple: No time to do it in. I would like nothing better than to finish this story up (i *hate* leaving them unfinished as this one will be). Yet the plain and simple facts remain that i am going through a lot in my personal life; leaving little creative energy or inspiration to take this work through its paces. My absence around the .org should speak for itself that this has been a low priority for me for quite some time.
When all that is happening has settled down i may start this up again, maybe rehash it or try something new. But until then i think i will just lay off writing as a whole.
I know this isn't the first story i've tossed away (my crusader story comes to mind). I can only hope that by not worrying and forcing the work, it will come on its own eventually in a different form perhaps..
i'll keep the thread open (i am an am around these parts. almost forgot :shame: ) just in case inspiration strikes me. Until then...
...i am sure you can guess the rest.
Re: In theGlare of the Sun
It's a pity, but I hope you will find time and inspiration to finish it one day. :book:
