e_b.txt edits - colonies

I volunteered to edit text and have been instructed by Kull to open this thread. It contains edits I have made to the export_buildings.txt Colony Buildings.

{colonia_name}
Colonial Administration - reduces population growth, increases order

{apoikia} Colonia
{apoikia_desc}
In antiquity, colonies were often founded by vanquished peoples who were exiled as losers of internecine war or who were attempting to escape subjugation at the hand of a foreign enemy. Sometimes, to avoid internal convulsions, colonies were established to eliminate a city’s surplus population. In most cases, however, the object of colonization was the establishment and facilitation of trade relations with foreign countries.
{apoikia_desc_short}
A colony of a distant state founded to trade with foreign peoples.

{apoikia_greek} Apoikia
{apoikia_greek_desc}
Hellenes, like the Phoinikoi and other peoples inhabiting the shores of the Mesogeios, were well-known as a fearless sea-faring people. Their naval prowess and adventurous spirit led them, sometimes en masse, to areas far from their homelands. The reasons for these Hellenic migrations were often the destruction of homelands by invaders or exile following internal strife. Colonization also served as a way for the founding city to reduce its population in times of need. The most common reason for colonization was, however, the consolidation of trade relationships with other peoples. Merchants, artisans, craftsmen and poor people who had experienced hardships at home would leave to build new settlements in favorable locations. In the course of time, the Hellenes built many such settlements in the lands around the Mediterranean, usually near the sea. Sometimes these settlements evolved into large cities of great importance. Although most apoikiai cherished their autonomy, they usually kept bonds of friendship with their city-state of origin ('metropolis', or mother-city) and relied upon their help in times of great peril.
{apoikia_greek_desc_short}
An apoikia is a Hellenic colony far from the homeland devoted to trade and cultural exchange with other peoples.

{apoikia_seleucid} Colonia
{apoikia_seleucid_desc}
Colony\n\nThe colonia was a settlement of Roman citizens established to defend and integrate occupied areas into the Roman Res Publica. The great number of Romans present in the colonia set an example of the Roman way of life and played an important role in the Romanization of a province. The settlers also provided a local source of soldiers who were ready to defend their new home against any enemy and suppress unrest. The establishment of a colonia relieved overpopulation, traditionally one of the most common reasons to engage in colonization.\n\nHistorically, the Romani founded two different types of colonies. Colonies could be founded by the senate and the consuls for civilian settlers or, by the time of the mid-republic, by a general for his veterans. The founding of early Roman colonies were dominated by strategic and military aspects. Rome’s colonization strategy together with its network of roads was a key to success in the 4th century BC struggle to become the sole Italian hegemon. Later, by the end of the second century BC, colonies were more likely to be established to provide land for small farmers or soldiers. Because of their direct descent from Roma, colonies were among the most important cities in the Roman world. Later, during the reign of the emperor Claudius, who was interested in integrating the subdued peoples of the provinces into Roman society, an existing city could receive the rank and the rights of a colonia even without a previous influx of new roman settlers so long as some Roman citizens lived there permanently.
{apoikia_seleucid_desc_short}
A colonia is a settlement of Roman citizens established to defend occupied territories, integrate them into the roman state, and relieve population pressure in the mother city.

{apoikia_carthage} Warning - Colony
{apoikia_carthage_desc}
WARNING! This text should never appear on screen!
{apoikia_carthage_desc_short}
WARNING! This text should never appear on screen!

{apoikia_numidia} Ptolemaic Colony (TRANSLATE ME PLEASE!)
{apoikia_numidia_desc}
Ptolemaic Military Colony\n\nThe Ptolemaioi never trusted and rarely armed the native populations. Thus, they like the other Diadochoi states, needed Hellenic colonists for support and military service. Due to excess lands and the wealth of the Neilos, Ptolemaios Soter and his successors gave tracts of land to any Hellene wishing to settle in Aigyptos in return for military or other service. Galatians and Jews were sometimes given land as well. Most Hellenes settled in the cities of Lower Egypt or built estates just outside them. Some also settled in the fertile Fayyum depression, which became the main recruiting ground for cavalry.
{apoikia_numidia_desc_short}
The newly settled Hellenes of this colony cultivate Aigyptian land and provide able men for Ptolemaic armies.

{apoikia_eastern} Hellenistic Colony (TRANSLATE ME PLEASE!)

{apoikia_egyptian} Punic Colony (TRANSLATE ME PLEASE!)

{apoikia_roman} Apoikia
{apoikia_roman_desc}
Colony\n\nNew EB Description Required
{apoikia_roman_desc_short}
New EB Description Required

{apoikia_romans_julii} Apoikia
{apoikia_romans_julii_desc}
Seleukid Colony\n\ Hellenes, like the Phoinikoi and other peoples that inhabited the shores of the Mesogeios, were well-known as a fearless sea-faring people. Their naval prowess and adventurous spirit led them, sometimes en masse, to areas far from their homelands. The reasons for these Hellenic migrations included devastation in the old Hellenic environs, the call of greater opportunity, or even a state mandate. Merchants, artisans, craftsmen and poor people who experienced hardships at home would often leave to build their own settlements in favorable locations. Hellenic Misthophoroi were often settled alongside the natives of the Seleukid poleis. Enterprising satraps and rulers used these Misthophoroi and other native sympathetics to defend against the marauding barbarian horsemen that threatened the empire’s borders. Other times settlements were granted to loyal peoples disenfranchised from their own settlements or to those seeking or directed to capitalize on a profitable niche in local geography. These new cities attracted their own independent populations and exemplified the cultural heritage that brought Hellenic settlers to foreign lands.
{apoikia_romans_julii_desc_short}
This settlers in this hellenic colony provide able men for the armies of the Seleukid poleis.

{apoikia_romans_brutii} Apoikia
{apoikia_romans_brutii_desc}
Baktrian Colony\n\nAfter the conquests of Alexandros, waves of Hellenes emigrated to Baktria and other newly conquered areas in the east. Merchants, artisans, craftsmen and poor people who had experienced hardships at home would build new settlements in favorable locations. Most of the Greek colonists that came to Baktria were allotted tracts of land called Kleroi. To rule the new kingdom, the Baktrian leadership needed Greek settlers for support, the necessary skills that they brought with them, and for military service. The Greek colonists served as phalangitai and cavalry for the Baktrian armies because the native Iranians were considered untrustworthy. Colonies were often built at easy-to-defend locations. Sometimes they were constructed near preexisting settlements. These previous settlements were sometimes abandoned after the new colony was established.\n\nAccording to ancient sources and archaeological excavations, most settlers probably came from Hellenic Anatolia, specifically the Meander valley, and from northern Hellas. A statuette was discovered at Takht-i-Sangin that represents the River Oxos as Marsyas playing the double flute, the iconographic form in which Hellenic art depicted the Meander’s main source. The connection to northern Hellas is shown by Hellenic names such as Kineas, Molossos, Triballos, and Lysanias, that are characteristic to that region.
{apoikia_romans_brutii_desc_short}
This Hellenic colony is made up of settlers who have dared to make the long journey from Hellas to Baktria and now till the land of the Baktrian rulers.

Excellent! That was quick. And you're doing the right thing - indicate areas where you have questions and open things up for discussion.

1) That first thing - the "colonia_name" looks like a mistake. I'm guessing it's an artefact from way back in the day when EB was still trying to figure out what to call these. Delete it.

2) The {apoikia} without a faction name are generic, and will never show up in the game. Technically we don't need them, but they're worth holding onto in case we ever need to add a colony building for a new faction.

3) Even though it's generic, I agree with you there's a problem with the {apoikia_desc_short}. By definition, it should be short! :idea2: As a test of your skills, please take a crack at generating a one-line summary. As editors we usually don't write new stuff, but you'll often find missing short descripts, and it's easier for the team if we write them.

4) The {apoikia_greek_desc_short} is at least short, but it sounds "off". See if you can come up with something a little cleaner (might be as simple as reorganizing the sentence).

Thanks!

NOTE: I gave out some bad info on the generic names (see item 2). The descriptions aren't necessary, but if the system names are removed we'll probably get a CTD.....so they're ...kinda important!

Quote:

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The Ptolemaioi never trusted the native populations that they ruled and never armed them.

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Should this say "rarely armed them"?

Also, this Seleucid colony description is incomplete.

{apoikia_romans_julii} Apoikia
{apoikia_romans_julii_desc}
Seleukid Colony\n\nHellenes were well-known as a fearless sea-faring people, true children of the Mediterranean, like the Phoinikoi and other peoples inhabiting the shores of the Mesogeios. Their naval abilities and adventurous spirit led them to areas far from their homelands, often en masse. The reasons for this immigration was often the destruction of their lands by invaders or exile following internal strive for power, but it also served as a way for the founding city to reduce their city's population in times of need. The most common of these reason was, however, the consolidating of trade relationships with other peoples. Merchants, artisans, craftsmen and poor people who experienced hardships at home would often build their own settlements in favorable locations. Those of larger Seleukid poleis, were compelled
{apoikia_romans_julii_desc_short}
An Hellenic colony, a city-state far from the homeland, usually devoted to trade and a medium of cultural exchange and communication with other peoples.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tk-421

Should this say "rarely armed them"?

Also, this Seleucid colony description is incomplete.

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1) Yes...never is a pretty strong word.

2) Submitted that to the Faction Folks for completion.

Thanks!

I found this in the apoikia_seleucid descrip:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tk-421

The colonia is a settlement of Roman citizens established to defend and integrate occupied areas into the Roman Res Publica. The great number of Romans present in the colonia set examples of the Roman way of life and play an important role in the Romanization of a province. The settlers also provide a local source of soldiers, ready to defend their new home against any enemy and to suppress unrest. The establishment of a colonia relieves overpopulation, traditionally one of the most common reasons to engage in colonization...

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It should read like this:
"The colonia was a settlement of Roman citizens established to defend and integrate occupied areas into the Roman Res Publica. The great number of Romans present in the colonia set an example of the Roman way of life and played an important role in the Romanization of a province. The settlers also provided a local source of soldiers, ready to defend their new home against any enemy and to suppress unrest. The establishment of a colonia relieved overpopulation, traditionally one of the most common reasons to engage in colonization..."

The corrections are just phrases that were in the wrong tense. The majority of the descrip is in past-tense, as are most of the other ones, and it should be kept consistent.

Also, the phrase: "The settlers also provided a local source of soldiers, ready to defend their new home against any enemy and to suppress unrest." Could be changed to: "The settlers also provided a local source of soldiers who were ready to defend their new home against any enemy or to suppress unrest."

However, that second change may not be necessary, or might be done a different way. Keep up the good work.

LE

Thanks for the tips. I have made the necessary corrections.

Thanks for pitching in to help, LE - I was kinda swamped with patch stuff this weekend!

TK - Vandal Carthage graciously rewrote that partial Seukid description:

Hellenes were well-known as a fearless sea-faring people, true children of the Mediterranean, like the Phoinikoi and other peoples settled along the shores of the Mesogeios. Their naval abilities and adventurous spirit led them to areas far from their homelands, frequently en masse, for any number of reasons; devastation in their old environs, the call of greater opportunity, or even by state mandate. Merchants, artisans, craftsmen and poor people who experienced hardships at home would often build their own settlements in favorable locations. Though those of the Seleukid poleis were often subject to more mercurial situations, like an enterprising satrap or ruler attempting to contain the barbarian hordes outside their borders, by more fully settling sympathetic Hellenes within them. For this reason, Hellenic Misthophoroi were often settled alongside other sympathetics, in order to raise the number of available warriors that a defending dynast could draw on. Other times, settlements were granted to successful Misthophoroi, loyal peoples disenfranchised from their own settlements, or those seeking or directed to capitalize on a profitable niche in local geography. In either case, these cities sometimes grew to rival their parents, attracting their own independent populations and exemplifying the cultural heritage that brought them to foreign lands.

Haven't been able to review your stuff at any great length, but you may want to take a hard grammatical look at that Ptolemaic description. The sentence following the last "\n\n\" is just atrocious.

Edit: As blacksnail and LE can attest, I rather prefer it if the editors wield a "heavy pen". It's a little tricky at first (so post "before and after pieces if you think your edit is TOO heavy), but when you read enough of these you'll begin to "hear the EB voice" and the process will be more intuitive.

I don't have much time to look over all the posts right now, but there is one thing. The short descrips just seem to be fragments at the moment. It might sound better if they were actual sentences. Perhaps you could include the building name in it or somehow make it a stand-alone sentence.

Off note: Msn messenger is helpful if you wanna keep in contact with kull, blacksnail, or myself.

LE

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kull

The sentence following the last "\n\n\" is just atrocious.

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Wow. That is pretty bad. I must have accidentally overlooked that. Thanks for pointing it out.

Also, what exactly do the "\n\n\"s do?

The "\n\n" characters force the start of a new line. Each "\n" is like a return key for the computer. So with two of them, it puts a one line space between whatever was before and after those characters. It is also important to note, I'm pretty sure you have them all right, that there shouldn't be any spaces between the actual words and those characters.

LE

I am working on the new Seleucid description by Vandal Carthage. It is very good compared to the Ptolemaic and Roman descriptions but there are still some clunky spots that I would like to do something with. Anyway, what does "Misthophoroi" mean? It's Greek to me...

mercenaries (Money bearers literally)

Though those of the Seleukid poleis were often subject to more mercurial situations, like an enterprising satrap or ruler attempting to contain the barbarian hordes outside their borders, by more fully settling sympathetic Hellenes within them.

Sorry I haven't done anything in a few days, I've been unusually busy outside of EB and trying to rewrite this sentence has been driving me nuts. Who exactly are "the those of the Seleukid poleis" mentioned in the first sentence? Any suggestions for editing this would be greatly appreciated.

The lower classes it would seem. The demonstrative adjective needs a noun to make it clearer. Though those poorer people... or something that makes it clear like that.

Kull and myself had to look into the Seleukid Poleis in an earlier editing job I had. It was in my theatres edits:

"The Hellenic populace always demanded entertainment, but even some native poleis (cities with comparatively few resident Hellenes) built such structures to impress visiting Seleukid officials."

We researched a little and decided that that small definition in the parenthesis helped understand them a bit. However, TA is the greek professor so he may have a better understanding of this.

LE

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tk-421

[I]Sorry I haven't done anything in a few days, I've been unusually busy outside of EB and trying to rewrite this sentence has been driving me nuts. Who exactly are "the those of the Seleukid poleis" mentioned in the first sentence? Any suggestions for editing this would be greatly appreciated.

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LE got it exactly right - these would be natives of the region, by definition a non-Hellenic people. It's not a perfect analogy, but think of British India. There were probably a lot more Greeks in Seleukia than Brits in India, but in either case the ruling class was a fairly thin skin laid atop a large native population.

Ok, I've finished my first edit of all the colonies. I would appreciate any suggestions and feedback that you have. Are they completely and totally terrible? Not bad for a first try? Pretty good? Did I not spend enough time on them? Did I take too long?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tk-421

Ok, I've finished my first edit of all the colonies. I would appreciate any suggestions and feedback that you have. Are they completely and totally terrible? Not bad for a first try? Pretty good? Did I not spend enough time on them? Did I take too long?

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Those are excellent, actually. The only change I would make is to eliminate most of the paragraph breaks in the Romani colonia description. One /n/n to start the historical description section is fine, and then get rid of all the others.

So. Very good for a first try, exceptional even. Total time was about ten days, which is OK. A little faster would be nice, but I'm more concerned that you not burn out while doing this. Assuming everything is in place, and you're just doing grammar fixes, probably "one-per-day" is optimal.

So, are you ready to tackle something a little more complicated? If so, please launch a new thread for "Naval Ports" - you'll find them in the section right below colonies. Thanks!!

Thanks tk-421! When you load up EB v.74, your "colonies" are now a part of the game!