Iraqi "Horrorscopes"

A nice bit of gallows humor. I've tried to track down the originals without success. For your amusement, the Iraqi Horrorscopes:

Aries: Random shooting by the Iraqi National Guard kills one of your friends. Try to avoid National Guard checkpoints this week.
Lucky day: Sunday.
Bullet No.: 9

Taurus: A missile from an American jet hits your neighbor’s house, but fate decides that it doesn’t explode. You should join a training course to defuse explosives as soon as possible.
Launch day: Thursday.
Missile No.: 92

Gemini: Your parents have been nagging you to lay low and leave the country. Yet you are worried about an imminent death squad attack against your area. Plan your escape route carefully and keep a spare grenade for emergencies.
Attack day: Thursday.
Grenade No.: 5

Cancer: Your neighborhood will be cordoned and searched by American forces soon. Hide your weapons with relatives beforehand and try to spend a few days away from home.
Search day: Sunday.
Search order No.: 912

Leo: A tip from one of your friends wrongfully ends you up in an occupation detention camp. Learn to distinguish friend from foe. Avoid female American jail wardens, unless you like to explore the arts of exhibitionism and BDSM.
Arrest day: Friday.
Prison cell No.: 26

Virgo: A sudden electricity, water and fuel crisis in your town lasts 2 months. Try to prepare yourself in advance and stock up on black market fuel. Sleeping on the roof helps you escape the smoldering heat inside — provided there are no random flying bullets in your area.
Outage day: Friday.
Electricity bill No.: 2345

Libra: Things are slowing down in your neighborhood. Your fellow watch-team members have nothing to do but smoke and trade mobile ring tones all night. It would probably not be a bad idea to take some time off from your guard duties and pay more attention to your love life.
Lucky day: Monday.
Street No.: 27

Scorpio: While on your way to work, an I.E.D. explodes in the vicinity of an American army convoy on your way to work. The soldiers shoot at everything that moves. Try to avoid American patrols for a while.
Explosion day: Wednesday.
Hummer No.: 306

Sagittarius: Fliers in your neighborhood warn residents from shaving their beards. Now is a good time to grow a goatee. Not too long, though; you might be mistaken for a Salafi by Iraqi or American forces, ending up in detention — or the morgue.

Capricorn: Your business partner is kidnapped for ransom. Don’t bargain or pay the kidnappers, not even a dinar, because they will come for you next. Accept the loss and move to Jordan. You will have other work opportunities.
Abduction day: Sunday.
Ransom: $150K

Aquarius: We all need a break every now and then. Take your family to the Zawra Park and ignore the pressures of daily life. Relax and enjoy the natural surroundings, the sounds of chirping birds and distant explosions.

Pisces: In an unexpected nighttime raid against the local mosque, many of the usual suspects are arrested. A few of them turn up at the Baghdad morgue days later with electric drill holes in their corpses. You are advised to sever all ties to the religious movement in your neighborhood. Pretend you don’t know your mosque imam when you meet him on the street. Trade your dishdasha for shorts and a T-shirt.
Raid day: Tuesday.

Aries:
you're gonna die

Taurus:
you're gonna die

Gemini:
you're gonna die, twice

Cancer:
you're gonna die

Leo:
you're gonna die

Virgo:
you're gonna die

Libra:
you're gonna die

Scorpio:
you're gonna die

Sagittarius:
you're gonna die

Capricorn:
you're gonna die

Aquarius:
you're gonna die

Pisces:
you're gonna die

I've always liked being tied up.~:)

All:

You're gonna be killed by fellow Arab suicide bombers, maybe a persian in there too.