"City Captured" messages for Roma

Hi all
I've been assigned to write a few "city captured" messages for the Roman faction. Specifically for Patavium, Karali, and Rhegion.

Here's what I have for Patavium (the other two will be posted bellow within the week):


Venetia is ours! The black-clad children of Antenor now bow to Roman will. It is the design of the Gods that we rule all fruit of the seeds of Troy, the horsemen and traders of Patavium being the most potent, second only to Roma herself.
The warriors of the Patavini have fought many a fierce battle against our shared enemies of old, the foul Gauls, who have always lusted for the blood of this region.
In bygone times, Cleonymus the Lacedaemonian, another mutual foe, attacked and invaded Venetia with his Spartan fleet. The Patavini struck back tenfold, destroying and looting nearly all of the Greek ships and sending Cleonymus back to Greece like the whipped pig that he was. Indeed, we have often found common ground with the fine warriors of the Patavini, but even more so now that they are Roman – powerful, sophisticated, glorious, and soon to rule the world!

Any corrections or suggestions are more than welcome!

Latin names (and a couple cultural differences) to change:
Troy - Troia
Gauls - Galli
Greece - Graecia
Greek - ok
(Spartan fleet - it's fine, just funny to read that! :grin:)

By the way, the Dictionary of Greek and Roman Geography on Perseus is potentially helpful, but a pain to navigate.
http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cgi-bin...3A1999.04.0064

And the Dicitionary of Greek and Roman biography/mythology is a lot better but maybe not as much pertaining as the other site:
http://www.ancientlibrary.com/smith-bio/index.html

You're on the right track in general though for a first try. Try not to have too many paragraph breaks - but when you do have one use this: "\n" Like this: ...of this region\nIn bygone times... (that inserts a paragraph break for trait messages).

Sweet! Those sites are just what I've been looking for all day. I need to invest in a purely Greek/Roman history book...

Was wondering if the meat of the paragraph was in the right ballfield (i.e. Is there something terribly important about that province that I'm missing?)

Oh, and I fixed it a bit -->

Venetia is ours!\nThe black-clad children of Antenor now bow to Roman will. It is the design of the Gods that we should rule all fruit of the seeds of Troia, the horsemen and traders of Patavium being the most potent, second only to Roma herself. Our forefather, Aeneas of Troia, is surely pleased that the Traitor's ancient litter is now beneath our yolk.\nThe Patavini have fought many a fierce battle against our shared enemies of old, the foul Galli, who have always lusted for the blood of this region. In bygone times, Cleonymus the Lacedaemonian, another mutual foe, attacked and invaded Venetia with his Spartan fleet. The Patavini struck back tenfold, destroying and looting nearly all of the Greek ships and sending Cleonymus back to Graecia like the whipped pig that he was. Indeed, we have often found common ground with the fine warriors of the Patavini, but they are Patavini no more. They are Romans! The lost sons of Troia now march beneath one banner for the first time in centuries, ready to rule the world!