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History of the Insignificantine Empire and The Great Goat War.
Foreward
This is an account of the history of the Insignificantine Empire and the Great Goat War. This is as full an account as you are likely to see. There are to date several other writings by, among others, the Tribrachaczekian scholar Biurchin Buridavenzidava. This is not an historic account and Buridavenzidava often strays into the realm of pure fancy. This work aims to correct some of the misconceptions about the Insignificantine and also of the Tribrachaczekian.
Book The First: The Old Kingdoms.
It was in the time of the dark ages specifically between the years 800 - 1000 AD when things were alot darker than they are today, and when none brushed their teeth, and where there was horse's mess all over the streets, horrible times, oh and there were wars also, terrible neverending wars that never ended. Men fought and fought, went to the local tavern, drank, then fought some more, horrible times. It was at this time that out of the warring factions a hero arose, and one that will go down in history forevor, as he did in life, in fact he went down quite often, but we shall not speak of this here. In the regions of Northern Getica, Qeerios I King of the Smallians a small kingdom to the north at the top of the hill round the corner from the pig farms, proposed an alliance with his new found friend Iymkweertu V of Tinyos, together they resolved to defend their lands against any inroads from the foul enemies that may decide to invade and tamper with their beloved goats. And so a time of peace ensued for the next 3 hours and the people rejoiced in the streets until both Qeerios and Iymkweerto were stricken dead by a strange malady that caused parts of their body to drop off. And so the dream ended and the lands were again thrown into turmoil, no man woman or goat was safe from the barbarian hordes that rampaged through the provinces burning and pillaging everything.
In 1100AD the war chief Tribrachaczek I entered the lands of Smallos from the north and took 1 field for his own, thus sparking the first Smallo-Tribrachaczekian war. For the first time in eons the Smallians called upon their one time allies the Tinese to come to their aid. The Tinese sent an Elite Tinese Royal Bodyguard, expert ranged fighters when the enemy doesn't show up on the day, despite this daring move the brave allies were obliged to retreat, screaming like women, in order to throw their enemies off the scent. The flanking attack involving the Elite Tinese Royal Bodyguard didn't occur because he seemed to have misunderstood his orders, became lost, and was later discovered in bed at his grandmothers house. Brilliant artifice but unfortunately a more direct assault was needed on that day. Reluctantly the allies surrendered nothern Smallos to the Tribrachaczekian horde who were 5000 strong and well armed, the allies didn't stand a chance as their levies were not made ready for this dastardly surprise attack. They had lost.
Book the Second: Birth of the United Kingdom of Smallos and Tinyos
The Smallians and Tinese agreed on the morning of the 1st of april 1105 AD, that a united kingdom should be formed to defend their precious lands, fair women and fabulous goatery from the Tribrachaczekian enemy. And so Iymkweertu II of Tinyos abdicated the throne in favour of CheziScrotus The Magnificent of Smallos, beginning the fabulously long line of the Cheziscrotus'. Several attempted Tribrachaczek invasions were repelled during this time, one in particular involved a Tribrachaczekian raiding party making off with a goat and someones mother-in-law. Thankfully the goat was speedily recaptured. During these times the Kingdom prospered and there was much trading. It was during CheziScrotus III time that the construction of the great fleets began. The first raft being completed in 1198, and the second in 1209.
Book the Third: The Insignificantine Empire
It was around 1289 that the Empire was born. CheziScrotus XVI ordained that the southern territories of the Tribrachaczekian and some of the eastern pasture lands under the lordship of the Beastalistonians, formerly Insignificantine lands, should be retaken for no apparent reason other than that it sounded like a good idea. These barbarian louts, about 30,000 strong and heavily armed, were quickly routed by a Heavy War Donkey flank assault, but CheziScrotus fell (Note: rumours that he slipped and broke his neck while climbing from a brothel window are the product of gossip and folklore) and so ended the line of the kings, one Insignificantus lead the remaining donkeys to victory, and the Kingdom took control of 1 and 1/2 small fields and a dung heap with Insignificantus being crowned Emperor and giving birth to the Insignificantine Empire of Smallos and Tinyos. On that day Insignificantus I raised the billowing standard bearing the Insignificantine colours of white on a white background with an attractive white border emblazoned with the white coat of arms of Tinyos and Smallos depicting the Donkey and the Goat, both in white.
Note: I must make this clear that the Donkey and Goat are not doing anything improper, that is merely the positioning, and the object is in fact a lance.
The Empire began to expand quickly capturing a pub up the road and expelling the drinkers before 11:30 in the evening, drinking all the ale, then razing a hay barn or two. Insignificantus began to realise that the levied Militias were getting restless and disorderly, and was having problems rallying them from under their beds every morning, so trawling through the brothels, lunatic asylums and prisons he recruited a professional army. These Insignificantine Heavy Infantry were the elitist of the elite and totally prepared to pretend to die for their Emperor. Truly skilled tree, hedge and ditch fighters, as well as when hiding in brothels and churches. The heavy infantry were considered to be of the "quite heavy" type due their consumption of half a pig each for their dinner every night. They were red eyed, though this may have been down to their overindulgence in the tavern. These hardened professionals would go in, in support of the donkeys, punching a hole through the enemy lines to allow the rest of the troops to rout safely.
It was during a minor border skirmish in 1290 that Insignificantus experienced a terrible injury and was nearly burned half to death. Falling from his Donkey, being trampled by several other donkeys and a passing herd of goats, falling from a cliff into a scalding hot spring, and being pecked at by carrion fowl. The Insignificantine physicians took him to nearest tavern and poured enough putcheen down his kneck to stop the pain, unfortunately the physicians had partaken themselves and being so inebriated accidentally rebuilt Insignificantus from the parts of a dead goat. The next morning when they awoke, heads spinning, they beheld the horrible sight of a goat legged being with a goats head where insignificantus' head had once been, and went back to sleep laughing. Some hours later after sobering up they hastily ordered for the armourer to come and while Insignificantus lay in bed beginning to recover the armour was prepared and Insignificantus was placed inside and sealed in forever. None would see his face again for years.
After this incident Insignificantus changed, he began eating grass and climbing hills to spend time with goats, and he spoke rather strangely, yet he managed to lead the armies on many more successful sorties against the enemy. Finally Insignificantus fell in battle and his son Insignificanus II was there to remove his mask as his father requested, so that he might seem him with his own eyes. Young Insignificantus obliged and removed it, exclaiming, "you see father I know there is goat in you, goat that you've forgotten". And Insignificantus replied "bwyeaaaaah you were right about me Insignificantus, byeaaaaaaerrrrgg you were right my son", and with those words he passed away, and the women wailed and pulled at their hair, for he was such a great king beloved by all, and had helped to keep the grass down.
Book the Fourth: The Great Goat War of 1295-95.5
For many hours the lands had been free form war throughout northern Getica. Then it happened that the barbarians further to the north known as the Chebrauniczavnuztitlans grew tired of peace and decided to invade the Tribrachaczekians land feigning an alliance with the Insignificantine in order to draw them into another war with Tribrachaczekia. This succeeded, and in early 1295 a Tribrachaczekian goat, now sacred to the Insignificantine priesthood, wandered into the pastures of northern Tinyos. The town priest on beholding this marvellous example of goathood immediately fell into a swoon and spent several days in the wilderness with his new lover, during this time they walked in the moonlight and slept under the stars, on his return they were married in Tinyos Cathedral and the people danced in the streets. There was a small problem however. The goat was in fact the betrothed of the Tribrachaczekian High King's son, one Prince Izhaaggoatus, the High King on picking up that morning's copy of the Tribrachaczekian Daily Grind, spat out his cheap watery Tribrachaczekian Pale Ale (0.005% volume) at the sight of his son's wife-to-be on the front page. He threw the mug accross the room at his servants, pulled out his sword and tried to kill a few of them, then roared at his men to ready for war.
The following morning in sleepy Tinyos the people were going about their daily business when out of the bushes sprang at least 1,000 Tribrachaczekian Cowardite Skirmishers, and began to run towards them with their pointed sticks. The people after some debate decided to hide in the brothel and lock the door, which worked. The cowardites retreated confused. The people later began to emerge and rumours started to spread like wildfire as to why the Tribrachaczekians had attacked after so many weeks of peace. Eventually one man shouted from the crowd "it's the goat, they've come for the goat!", and another "let them have it!", "to the priests house!". And so the priest seeing this mob coming down the road, carrying "give up the goat" plackards, turned to his wife and vowed that they would never be taken alive, so strong was their love. (For the full story see One Priest and his Goat, a love without end: Purvius 1434)'
Note: Sadly there are evil rumours such as this one, the malicious gossip that the first mighty war donkey was descended from the priest and his "wife". This is best ignored as it is the product of Tribrachaczekian propoganda. The donkey was in existence long before the priest and his wife were joined in holy matrimony.
The crowd had made there way almost to the door when the town magistrate Bungmeabribe appeared holding up his hands and ordering them to stop where they were. A company of the Insignificantine Heavy Infantry emerged from the bushes barring their way. The mob stopped and went silent. The magistrate clearing his throat and began to speak. "The town priest, under 'the matrimony act 1290', is entitled to marry 'any beast within reasonable size, providing he might couple with said beast', now return to your homes and hide under your beds from the Tribrachaczekians!" The mob scattered instantly, the civil unrest quelled.
An hour later on the northern frontier a larger Tribrachaczekians force of Cowardites, Tribrachaczekians Archers with their colourfull outfits and assorted peasants marched accross the border into Tinyos. The group prepared their stump cannons and fired upon the village, the cannons exploded killing 90% of the force, the rest routed and went home. A great victory for the Heavy War Donkeys whom of which arrived an hour later.
It is common knowledge that, according to the speculative mythological and highly historically accurate writings of that renowned Insignificantine Scholar Inaccurus, that the Stump Cannon was in fact nothing more than a stolen Insignificantine Special Ale (25% volume) cask positioned at a 45 degree angle in a ditch. This proves that the stump cannon was the product of stolen technology. And even if it had been able to fire, and the gunners had stopped drinking the Insignificantine Special Ale (finest in the world but the idea was stolen and used by another larger faction that is now bigger than the Insignificantine though if they weren't bigger, history suggests the Insignificantine would be the biggest) and actually fired upon the village they would probably have missed due to their poor aim, and not because the vilage was too small to hit anway.
During the short occupation the Tribrachaczekian held a pawn shop, a small piece of a burnt down tavern a 1 legged headless stuffed dog and a bucket of goat dung... and were all the time hiding in a ditch. They claim they were hiding in the ditch with on of the Insignificantine Heavy Infantry captain's, farmer Giles, wife, this is simply not true.
So the Tribrachaczekian lost the Goat War. Of course the Insignificantine lost the Goat War as well, but that wasn't really their fault. Many notable Insignificantine historians have come to the same general conclusion, after much deliberation and study of old texts, that if the Insignificantine Empire of Tinyos and Smallos had not lost the Great Goat War then the Tribrachaczekian barbarians would have won it, so it was decided by Insignificantus II that they should lose in order that the Tribrachaczekian position be weakened allowing an insurgance by the Deflatine nomads from the southern frontiers of the country lane at the top of the road. After pretending to lose the Goat War the Insignificantine Heavy Infantry forces regrouped in taverns and brothels and prepared to counter attack. The attack was delayed by the death of Insignificantus II, and the succession of his son Turpentine I to the throne. Turpentine put off the counter attack and engaged in a series of projects to improve the lands.
The Empire's vastness is well documented. From totally unbiased Insignificantine texts (edited by the Emperor): 'In 1295.999 after the Goat War, it was decreed by Turpentine I, a superb ruler and beautiful to behold - that the land should be measured to determine the extent of the Empire, by this clever means he would discern which parts he should invade. So it was that the engineer Uuslas was despatched with a measuring device of 12 inches to take the dimensions of the shires. On his return he overjoyed the Emperor with the news that he was the lord over at least three houses, two fields and a mighty river which the measuring device would span two times and which Uuslas had difficulty in jumping accross, splitting his bright yellow tights in the process.' But still Turpentine was dissatisfied with this and went to measure the land himself, on his return, realising he was at least half a field short, he mustered his forces for the counter attack to take back the Tribrachaczekian provinces! The Tribrachaczekian were weakened and their lands were ripe for the taking. Two hours later Turpentine was found dead in a brothel. This was an absolute disaster for the empire from which it would never recover.
Book the Fifth: The End of the Empire
Unfortunately with the death of the emperor by such an unfortunate accident, the Insignificantine desintegrated into civil war comprising of Farmer Giles and Farmer John. Two extremely important factions during that period controlling a field each. The Gilesists and Johnites were extremely divided as both claimed to be the best producers of Insignificantine ale. The Gileists were the truist to the Insignificantine way, wheras the Johinites were nothing more than Tribrachaczekian sympathisers. It was only a few days since the end of the Goat war that the great Scrotus Chesius I (a long forgotten decendent of the mighty CheziScrotus XVI, in fact his name would correctly be CheziScrotus XVII in the old high Insignificantine ) siezed control and reuinited the Eastern and Western Insignificantine Empires. His success was short lived however and shortly after, about 3 hours after leaving the pub, he too was dead from a strange infection of the nethers that he must have caught due to the unusually cold weather at that time.
*Note: Not because he spent his entire reign of 2, 1/2 hours with farmer Giles' wife as some Tribrachaczekian have falsely stated.
