M*A*S*H Quotes

Inspired by currywurry's sig and Lucjan's "Cartoon Quotes" thread, I thought the Korean War comedy M*A*S*H would be a treasure trove of classic quotes. MASH regularly featured some of the cleverest writing I've seen on TV. Anyway, I'll start off with a few.

Frank: It's not normal!
Trapper: What's "normal", Frank?
Frank: "Normal" is everybody doing the same thing.
Hawkeye: What about individuality, Frank?
Frank: Individuality's fine - as long as we all do it together.

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Margaret: They love you, Frank
Frank: It was their hatred that fooled me

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Frank: 1... 2... 3... 4...
Hawkeye: Showing off for the patients again, Frank?

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This last one has to be my favourite but I can't find the exact wording so I must whing it:

BJ (performing Charles' "unwedding"): ...by the powers vested in me by the State of Inebriation, I now pronounce you un-husband and un-wife.

"I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions" - Hawkeye

Heheh, one of my favourite quotes there.

"I will not carry a gun.... I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!" - Hawkeye

I'm sure everyone will have heard a variation of that.

There's even a quiz, but you have to sign up :(

http://www.sploofus.com/triviaquiz/m..._this_iii.html

Here's one from one of my favourite characters:

Colonel Flagg: Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.

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Colonel Flagg: Don't play dumb with me, you're not as good at it as I am

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Charles: Ah, Klinger, my constant reminder that Darwin was right.

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PA announcer: Attention all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.

:laugh4: That "carry a gun" bit is 100% classic Hawkeye.

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Originally Posted by Gregoshi

PA announcer: Attention all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.

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Classic!

I remember something about a squirrel and a character. It was funny, I may just go find it.

Ahhh I love M*A*S*H, seen every episode, own every season...

I can't say I have any [articular favourite quote, but the ones revolving around 5 o'clock charlie are awesome.

PA announcer: Attention. Attention. One minute to Charlie. The betting book is now closed.

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PA announcer: And now direct from North Korea, here he is for the sixth hit week, 5 O'clock Charlie, his airplane, and his astigmatism!

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PA announcer: And that concludes 5 O'clock Charlie for today, folks. Hope you enjoyed him as much as North Korea enjoyed bringing him to ya. Results of the pool will be announced in just a few minutes. Join us tomorrow same time. Until then, have a nice war.

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PA announcer: So as he flies the blue lady of the skies into the sunset, we say 'aloha, 5 O'clock Charlie' and return to our duties. Let me remind you the hospital is open 24 hours for your dining and dancing pleasure.

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PA announcer: Sorry, camp. Attention! By command of the new commanding officer, all officers report to the commanding officer's office, sirs.



Gotta love that PA guy.

"That's one of those machine guns that shoots thirty corporals a second."

Radar O'Reilly

Unless we all conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.

_________________________________________________________________

"Take your seat."

"Sorry, I can take umbridge, I can take the cake, I can take the A-Train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to take five."

_________________________________________________________________

I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. ~Hawkeye

A great one that is on in the background right now:

Klinger - "I think we have a real chance of beating Navy this year."

later in the episode:

"I think we have a real chance of beating Army this year"

God, M*A*S*H is practically my favourite comedy stuff. Second comes Garfield, third comes Southpark.

They're absolutely fantastic.

"We all know it's brutal up there at the front, especially those of us at the rear" Frank Burns

"I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife." Colonel Potter

"I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot." Frank Burns

"Know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer." Major Winchester


The best is one with Klinger and colonel Blake imo, but I don't remember which episode it's in.
It something like this:
Klinger comes in with a letter, saying that his mother is dieing, and wants colonel Blake to let him go home because of that.
Blake opens a drawer, and takes a bunch of papers out of it and starts reading:
"sister pregnant, father dieing"
"mother pregnant, sister dieing"
"mother and father dieing"
"brother dieing, sister pregnant"
etc
"ah, and here's a good one: half the family dieing, the other half pregnant"

:laugh4:

"Anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye."
Sidney Freedman

"A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores."
Cpl Klinger

"You know, we've got to do it someday... throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south in here to a cocktail party... last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war."
Hawkeye

"Unless we all conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free."
Frank - who else. :laugh4: (Oops, it was posted above - ah well, bears repeating, if not sigging).

At the MEDEVAC chopper LZ
"I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf." - Trapper John

....

[Frank Burns has just been sent away in a straitjacket after attacking Hawkeye.]
Duke Forrest: "Colonel, fair's fair... if I punch Hawkeye and nail Hot-Lips, can I go home too?"

. . . . .


Captain Walter Kosciusko Waldowski ('Painless', the dentist): "I wasn't gonna fool around out here because I got these three girls I'm engaged to back home."

~All from the 1970 movie.

TV show factoid: Alan Alda ("Hawkeye") had it written into his contract that every episode must have a OR scene, to not shirk the bloody horrors of war. All but one did (the one entitled: 'Hawkeye').

Hawkeye teaching some Koreans working in the camp english: "Now repeat after me, Frank Burns eats worms."

I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot -- Frank

Henry: Is that the whole poop?
Hawkeye: And nothing but the poop.

(Hawkeye and BJ bid farewell to each other with tears)
Hawkeye: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we will see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
BJ: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of you.
Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
BJ: ...or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
Hawkeye: I'll miss you.
BJ: I'll miss you--a lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Roy1991

The best is one with Klinger and colonel Blake imo, but I don't remember which episode it's in.
It something like this:
Klinger comes in with a letter, saying that his mother is dieing, and wants colonel Blake to let him go home because of that.
Blake opens a drawer, and takes a bunch of papers out of it and starts reading:
"sister pregnant, father dieing"
"mother pregnant, sister dieing"
"mother and father dieing"
"brother dieing, sister pregnant"
etc
"ah, and here's a good one: half the family dieing, the other half pregnant"

:laugh4:

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Oh my god this is so hilarious!!!! :2thumbsup:

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Originally Posted by edyzmedieval

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Oh my god this is so hilarious!!!! :2thumbsup:

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I found the exact text now :laugh4:

Klinger: I got a letter from home. Dear son. . .
Henry: You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.
Klinger: [reading] I hate to bother you in the middle of a war, but I have some terrible news: your father is very sick. Your father would be furious if he knew I was telling you this, luckily he is in a coma. Surely your colonel has a kind and loving heart and will let you come home. Sincerely, your loving, aggravated, broken hearted mother.
Henry: A-ha! Let's see here. . . [pulls up other letters] Father dying, right?
Klinger: Yes, sir. [feigns sobbing]
Henry: [leafing through the other letters] Father dying last year. Mother dying last year. Mother and Father dying. Mother and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and Mother pregnant. Younger sister dying and older sister pregnant. Ah, here's an oldie but goodie: half the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts down the letters] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes, sir. [pause] I don't deserve to be in the Army!




The only thing Charles remembers fondly from his childhood is his hair. -- Hawkeye

This is Frank Burns, one of our best surgeons. A real killer. -- Henry Blake

Colonel Flagg: Have you ever heard of the Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture?
Radar: [intimidated] No.
Colonel Flagg: That's because it hasn't been invented... yet.

Frank Burns: It's the way these yellow devils think. It's burned into their brains. Kill Americans, kill, kill. They don't respect human life the way we do. I'd like to take him out and shoot him.

Frank Burns: Klinger, I want you out of that dress tonight!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!

Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
Hawkeye: You're only off by two letters.

Frank Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority.
Trapper: Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Roy1991

Colonel Flagg: Have you ever heard of the Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture?
Radar: [intimidated] No.
Colonel Flagg: That's because it hasn't been invented... yet.

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I have to say, Flagg was one of the best characters in the show.

I think MASH is a brilliant TV-series. Not only does it teach what war is all about :wink: but it brings tragedy and comedy together.
I remember having tears in my eyes when Henry Blake died. That really hit me and it was so unnessesary because he was on the return flight to the US. ~:mecry: I also think that was the only time I was really touched by a TV-series. In this spirit:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Henry Blake

"All I know is what they taught me in command school, and that is, Rule Number 1, in war young men die. And Rule Number 2 is that doctors can't change Rule Number 1."

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Quote:

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Flagg was one of the best characters in the show

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Who is Flagg? The one after Blake was Potter, right?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by R'as al Ghul

Who is Flagg? The one after Blake was Potter, right?

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Colonel Flagg was an utterly inept counter-intelligence operative. He popped up now and then with accusations of certain people being communist sympathisers. There are some of his quites in this thread.

And another classic from Winchester:

Winchester: Yes, this place would be much better run by a man of culture like me, as opposed to 'Colonel Cowpie'.

*turns around to find Potter smiling at him*

Winchester: Oh god, Colonel Cowpie, i mean, Potter!

Flagg: I want to make a call.
Henry: Can I get the number for you?
Flagg: I don't know the number.
Henry: Well, then, how can you make the call?
Flagg: I have to throw up. The number's in a capsule.
Henry: Well. I'll just run along.

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Frank: But my orders are--
Flagg: The CIA can supercede anyone's orders.
Frank: Except the president, of course.
Flagg: Give it time.

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Potter: Making yourself at home, Flagg?
Flagg: I have no home. I'm the wind.
Hawkeye to B.J.: I told you he was the wind. You said he was the stars!
B. J.: No, I said he was the moon!

(later in the show...)

Hawkeye on Flagg: The wind just broke its leg.

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Flagg: Okay, pipsqueak, what tipped you off?
Radar: Well, you don't look anything like you, sir, and since you're a master of disguises, I figured you were the only one who couldn't look like you that much.
Flagg: I'll buy that, for now. But if you ever cross me up, you're gonna get a Number Eight.
Radar: What's that?
Flagg: Have you ever heard of the Malaysian Chest Implosion torture?
Radar: No, sir.
Flagg: Good! 'Cause there's no such thing... yet.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by R'as al Ghul

Who is Flagg?

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The suppository of all human knowledge: Wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Flagg

lol, just heard another one in the background,

Margaret: See this Winchester *Rubs fingers together* this is the world's smallest violin playing just for you.

A good Flagg quote from that wikipedia entry.

Flagg: You took a yellow Red before a White American, and that's pretty pinko!
Hawkeye: You're even boring in Technicolor.

I put my hands on the first MASH season. I think I laughed for at least 1 hour non-stop. After 3 episodes I stopped because my stomach was hurting badly from all that laughing. :laugh4:

Quote:

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"I'm a life long Anglophile. England is still the only place I know where any young man can grow up to be the Queen."

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- Hawkeye

Lt. Blay : Are you scared? (to Hawkeye)
Hawkeye: Dont be serious. I'm too frightened to be scared.

Ah, MASH is truly a delight.