HAHAHA! The Star Wars reference is great !
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HAHAHA! The Star Wars reference is great !
"You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"Quote:
Your faith in your friends is yours.
"But how am I to know the good side from the bad?
You will know... when you are calm, at peace, passive."
http://www.tweakup.dk/images/article...tw2x_excom.jpg
I find your lack of faith... disturbing.
Someone must have killed Luke, because the Empire just keeps slaughtering the rebel forces!
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Next: The return of the Jedi...
Or, the extinction thereof...
LOL ! I specially like the last screen and I LOVE the march !
I find the lack of faith extremely disturbing !
Begun, the Clone War has...
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
The enemies of the empire flee in terror. The only facton left unscathed so far is the Geonosian Turks.
And soon we will deal with the traitorous Imperial Senate...
Luke trains to be a Jedi. The Empire threatens to wipe the rebels from the face of existence.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
So this is how liberty dies... with thunderous applause.
The invasion of the holy land (and usage of spies):Quote:
"Ohhh! Great warrior! [laughs and shakes his head]
Wars not make one great!"
Hahah! :jester: This Star Wars theme is great.. :director: "Excellent!"Quote:
Don't worry, my friend's down there. He'll have that shield down in time... Or this'll be the shortest offensive of all time.
- Guru
Now witness the final destruction of the alliance, and the end of your insignificant rebellion.
FIRE AT WILL, COMMANDER!
KABOOOOM!
Oh no! That thing's operational!
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Only now, at the end, do you understand... You will pay the price for your lack of vision.
Now, young Skywalker... you will die.
Bwahahahahaha!!!
*remains unimpressed because you lost 81 battles*
jk!
;)
"The more you tighten your grip, the more [regions] will slip through your fingers..."
[QUOTE=Privateerkev]*remains unimpressed because you lost 81 battles*
QUOTE]
LOL
Umm, in my defense, I never attempted to have a navy. I used mercenary ships, mostly, and I let them get eaten alive by pirates.
Pirates do not concern me, admiral. I want those territories, not excuses.
So yes, I lost almost all the naval battles. What good is a navy when you have zero territories? Navies are more of a drain on resources than having your own PORTS blockaded.
And the computer counts all engagements you retreat from as losses, I believe.
Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away, away!
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!
He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
And for those of you who wanted the whole thing, here's the beginning:
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen-- Uh, I think that's enough singing for today!
And yet more silliness from silly Camelot (it's only a model), which is indeed a silly, silly place.
We're Knights of the Round Table,
We dance whenever we're able,
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot,
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
We're Knights of the Round Table,
Our show are formidable,
But many times, we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're Opera mad in Camelot,
We sing from the diaphragm
a lot!
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable,
Between our quests we sequin vests,
And impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot,
I have to push the pram a lot.
Just a quick update: I am in the process of crushing the Mongrels. I will be uploading photos of my endless horde of red and yellow clad troops and their 30 generals advancing towards 5 little stacks of barbarian scum.
The Jedi have apparently hidden their reserve force from the Emperor's sight. Not that it will make any difference. I will repel their feeble offensive and upload the proof to this comm network for all to see.
This will teach the fools to fight for their freedom. They underestimate the power of the dark side.
Who wants to see my ridiculous reserve of an all-general stack? Keep in mind, this is turn 65 or so. Not turn 265, where all general stacks are more common.
Thus begins the great war between the heroes of the British Empire and the full force of the Golden Horde.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
I will personally see to it that every last one of those treacherous swine dies by the sword. Next: Part two of this epic battle.
DOWNLOAD O FORTUNA and play this mp3 during the battle!
http://www.sendspace.com/file/nfw2j5
http://www.savefile.com/files/853068
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
And thus ends the final epic battle of the English campaign. None dare oppose me now, as I present the bodies of the fallen swine to thier Khan. Gift-wrapped, and with a warning....
Don't mess with the British Empire!
-fin-
Monsieur Alphonse sings:
Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the eh.. grassy plains
Nice story.
I actually feel a little sorry for the Mongols. They never had a chance. Wait I don't feel sorry. Great slaughter of those pesky stinking barbarians. :charge: :hmg:
PS The goats will be happy.:laugh4:
Thank you Monsieur Alphonse!Quote:
Originally Posted by Monsieur Alphonse
I have a question for everyone who enjoyed this thread...
Since due to eventual inactivity, this thread that I worked so hard on will eventually die.
Who here wants me to start another thread like this one?
Any suggestions?
I think that if you have the time and inclination, you could do this for every single faction. Though I did say that earlier in the thread. Also, are you going to show us what happens when the Timurids show up? Or go take the English Empire to their rightful place in the New World?
Good Job!
^_^
Well, Privateer, no... I am not going to show the Timurid invasion or sail to the new world. That takes so much time and many, many turns. In the meanwhile, I have over 100 provinces that need serious micromanagement every turn to prevent rebellion. Since I could squash the invaders easily, and because it would be such a tedious challenge to get there... I believe at this point I have made my point. However, a faction like the Byzantine Empire or Russia should be able to do so, because they lack the crusade function and would still probably be in the process of conquering the world when the Timurids arrive.Quote:
Originally Posted by Privateerkev
As for the new world, the event that triggers the ability to sail there takes far too long in my opinion. Consider it a character flaw... Once you have all 106 provinces in the Old World, You have to agree that there is no challenge conquering the new. There is such thing as overkill.
But I thank you very much for taking the time to read my story.
I don't believe I will be doing any more 'speed runs', because in order to prove that I did not cheat, I will have to post a picture of every turn. That is a very tedious thing and it takes a long time to convert over 300 images and load them on the web.
Instead, I will now be focusing on visual strategy guides.
But fear not, for the day may come when I decide to tell the tale of a glorious empire once again... perhaps not until all regions are captured... maybe until long campaign victory conditions.
Thanks again!
I think your just afraid to admit that your afraid of Oliphants! ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by askthepizzaguy
j/k
Quote:
Originally Posted by Privateerkev
Oh, you think so?
Just wait until the Egyptian strategy guide is finished... then you will have a giant pile of dead Mongrels and Timids.
I spit on their mangled corpses!
Wow. Dude: you rock.
I certainly don't mind the compliments; thank you.Quote:
Originally Posted by TheRealSlimBrady
Might I ask: What did you enjoy most about this post?
Fun guide to read. A very detailed work, still written with humour.
Could you summarize your anti-excommunication tactic? Imo is it amazing that you can wander through the entire game without getting excommunicated….
Thanks a lot.
The guide to perfect Papal standings.
Here's what the pope likes:
1. Alliance
2. your maps
3. trade rights
4. 100 Florins/turn for 100 turns
5. Offer to attack everyone. He is secretly a genocidal maniac in this game.
i.e: Offer to attack HRE, Sicily, Venice, Milan as a gift. He will eventually accept and boost your rating.
Continue gifting maps and attacks every single turn. Station a diplomat inside his skirt and set it on vibrate. He will be too distracted by your generosity to care about the little things, like wiping out half of Europe.
He will eventually get pissy with you for attacking genuinely nice catholic factions. He will threaten excommunication. He did several times during this game, which set me back about 20 turns, total. I could have wiped out France, Denmark, Poland, and Hungary a lot sooner.
Just wait it out and provoke them. They might excommunicate themselves. Just stop laying seige to cities and unblock ports. Then move slightly outside their territory and wait for them to attack you.
aha, 1-4 was working. But still he likes to..... (despite it is my pope, and my college of cardinals (10 out of 14).Quote:
Originally Posted by askthepizzaguy
Thanks for your answer.
Off-topic but do you have any special tips to stop the annoying Mongools. The they won’t attack the beautiful bridge and the first battle again them had to be replayed (apparently i did not trigger the timer button, so after killing 64% of a 4 full stack army their army had to be triggered (after already few others triggers and 3 to 4 hours of play).
I know some general tips. But how do I provoke an attack to a interesting place on my terms?
This all depends on which faction you are playing as.Quote:
Originally Posted by Atreides
As any non-excommunicated Catholic faction, the answer is Crusades, plain and simple. after the Mongols invade, (and wait for it, there are several waves), call a crusade against whatever province they happen to take. Join all your generals and all the troops you can muster.
Try to concentrate your stacks together and form a horde of your own. Doesn't matter so much the composition of your armies, although I find that crusader seargents and crusader knights form a good backbone. You will take heavy losses.
Target, as I did, the lead Mongol stack. Surround with at least 2 stacks of troops, or three. Charge quickly with your best general and his best forces and wipe out the lead stack, and then rally your troops and go for broke against their second stack. Night fighter abilities come in handy, as you get to choose just how many Mongol stacks you fight at once... sometimes. They also have night fighter generals, so this doesn't always work.
I don't recommend having generals in your support stacks. This way, if you lose the battle or take heavy losses, you are only risking one general at a time.
Aim for whatever provinces the Mongols have taken, first. This gives you the ability to discontinue the crusade whenever you choose by leaving the crusade and slipping inside a newly recaptured city as a garrison, ending troop loss to desertion, and all the movement bonuses and so forth.
You must move quickly and overwhelm them with numbers. They will not go quietly.
For non-Catholic factions, this is not so simple. Jihads don't work, as the Mongols are apparenly Muslim (don't blame me, I didn't program the game), and the Orthodox factions don't have a crusade function.
This means war. Literally. And from the beginning.
As Orthodox or Islamic factions, you have only the option of expanding your empire until you take up a good third of the map. Only then can you afford to spawn endless stacks of armies on suicide missions.
You can try to block bridges and garrison towns, with moderate success, but sometimes you just cannot provoke them. Sometimes they wander elsewhere or just stay put. You are going to have to go after them.
You had better have a lot of family members. Don't waste your King, Prince, or his son. You have a family line to look after. Instead, use all your aging generals and young hotshots to lead waves of 3 stacks towards your foe. They will all die, but they will stop the Hordes.
First wave: shock troops led by disposable, good general. Flanked by two captain-led armies. You lead the general's army into battle.
Keep your general alive and move your army as supporting troops for your other two armies. Generally, the AI gets eaten alive by the Mongols even with good troops. They merely serve as a distraction while you come at them in a pincer movement, or to divide their forces and overwhelm half of their army.
In the meantime, prepare another stack of your best troops led by a second general, and two supporting armies. Militia does just fine as filler troops in your captain-led wings.
After you have fought to the death with your first wave and killed as many fo the scum as possible, send your second wave.
Prepare a third.
After a few waves of generals and captains, the Mongols should be hurting. Be sure that they have no cities left, or else they could respawn troops and turn this into a war of attrition.
You should only have to part with a few good generals to win the day. But if the Mongols are already spread out and have a good sized portion of the map, you had better hope that your offensive abilities are up to the challenge. This war is going to be bloody, and you will lose half of your family.
But it is winnable. Avoid the Mongols in hilly areas, because more often than not, you will be attacking them, and they will have the high ground. Unless you plan on defending, in which case, head for the hills and bridges.
I personally know of no way you can goad them into attacking you. The AI is stupid, they either will or they won't.
Finally, besides troops and troops and troops, use spies to recon the enemy, and find their generals, use assassins (it may take a LOT of them) to slay their leaders, one by one. Go after any general with a decent percentage of likelyhood that they will die.
That should get you started. I am sorry I do not have a quick fix to the question of how to get the Mongols to attack you... that seems to be pure luck. Try an ambush, if you're really pressed up against a wall. Hide and take down their general.
Always aim for the head of the snake.
Sorry folks, but my bandwidth has been exceeded, and I was forced to break all the links to photos on this thread temporarily.
No one has posted in a while, and until I can create an entirely new photobucket account and move every single stinkin photo, the links will remain broken.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
If anyone knows a quicker fix to this problem, let me know.
The Photos should be repaired.
Go easy on this thread... if too many people view it I will have exceeded my bandwidth again for another month.
Good Grief, pizzaguy. You're a man possessed. The Puhp (in my best Peter Sellers) needs to send a primo exorcist to your laptop. :download:
I just browsed through your posts on this thread. I'm awed by your technique. :jawdrop: I wonder if CA ever imagined anyone would play the game as you do. :beam:
Here's a cheers ~:cheers: to when you put out your Egyptian :egypt: strategy guidebook. Or should I have sent more culturally relevant cheers? :belly:
Crusades, treachery, religious zealotry, rapine, pillage, rebellions . . . it's like, like .... :drama3: real life.
Pizza kudos, big guy. Well . . . back to my game. :titanic: :)
Were you aware I already have an Egyptian thread? Click on my name, do a search for all threads started by askthepizzaguy, and then click on my Egypt thread.
Or maybe I'll post the link:
Egyptian Blitz
https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showthread.php?t=88116
The photos are broken until August (THANKS PHOTOBUCKET... couldn't you just use ads like a normal website?)
Russian Blitz
https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showthread.php?t=88366
Proof of HRE 50 provinces by turn 16
https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showthread.php?t=88390
I also started a Scotland thread... but it's the lands to conquer mod, so I won't be doing any serious blitzing. Check the throne room (AAR battlestories) for Scotland's finest laddies.
(Work in progress)
I'm glad the photos are working again. This is my favorite thread of all time.