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got one in the works but it's gonna be a long time before i start it properly, maybe a month or so. maybe sooner, been busy as of late (the reason this thing almost didn't get posted).Quote:
Originally Posted by edyzmedieval
yes! ~D i surprised someone! wooh!Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadow
anyway. this is the end; been a great ride and i can't thank you enough, everyone whos stuck with me through my busy times. Really, you guys rock ~:cheers:
*Applause* BRAVO!! BRAVO!! *Applause*Quote:
Originally Posted by Monk
A great read Monk.
All credits to you for taking “our” universe and making such a great story of it.
BTW: You treated the Berserkers honorably. :bow:
Yes, I know, I should have resumed my function as Mead Hall critic much earlier, but there was so much to read so I kept putting it off. In the first place: a great story, Monk. The atmosphere was, as always, very well done and the point-of-view you used was novel and worked well. The story was concentrated, fast paced, and it is quite an achievement that it didn't get repetitive.
Still, I have a few comments. Firstly, while the atmosphere is well done, the situations you describe are sometimes over-the-top. For example, in the fight scène in the Old City, you describe troops that, against all military procedures and common sense, are not told what they are going to face, are all four thousand of them so terrified that they cannot pull their triggers when the creatures approach, and for some idiotic reason have placed the minefield behind them, so it’s no use to them and cuts off their retreat. You achieve your goal, to describe the terror of the soldiers, but the situation is rather unlikely.
Secondly, you do need to work on subtle emotions. I know the kind of story does not require it, but I think it will improve your writing immensely if you can add some more. The mech-pilot worrying about his little daughter is a good start. In a related note: at one point you tell us in one sentence that a person is normally very collected, but now losing his calm. I could not find the sentence again, but it is not a very elegant way of doing it. Show us that the person is usually calm by dropping hints ("his voice did not betray his emotions", "the man did not appear shocked", etc.), don't tell us. And don't do it the same sentence where you make him also feel the opposite.
Thirdly, I have written that the story did not get repetitive, but during the battle of Solace I was getting tired of fight-scenes. I think you should have put a rest in the story somewhat earlier than you did. More variety in the scenes would have helped too. That said, some of the later fight scenes (scene xx and the one with the photograph) were IMO the best scenes of the entire story. The scène I liked the least was Uriel betraying his brothers, because it was such a cliché.
Lastly, and this is not so much directed at you as at popular culture in general: why do people always assume that mutant means deadly, fast-spreading, hard-to-stop creature that will destroy humanity? I must assume it's because it gives good stories, because this assumption has nothing to do with genetics. ~D
I hope you found this usefull, and I look forward to your next story.
Finally! you read it! ~D good to have ya back Ludens, i'm a terrible critic.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ludens
Still, I have a few comments.
I was trying to describe that the creature's had a telepathic ability to throw dibilitating emotions into the minds of humans. at this stage in this story the concept wasn't fully developed (wasn't sure how far i wanted to take it) and so it wasn't explained all the way. but that is what i was trying to convey. Though in retrospect i should have reworked that part.Quote:
Firstly, while the atmosphere is well done, the situations you describe are sometimes over-the-top.
for example, in the fight scène in the Old City, you describe troops that, against all military procedures and common sense, are not told what they are going to face, are all four thousand of them so terrified that they cannot pull their triggers when the creatures approach,
As stated in the credits i based my military off the Warhammer 40k Imperial Guard. in the w/h universe they are not allowed to retreat, if they do they are killed on the spot. its a shot back to ww2's soviet army...not one step back. The minefield was placed there to ensure no soldiers lost their faith. This concept wasn't explained fully and that is my fault. For that i apologise. I was working under the assumption my readers knew that and that was a mistake. I broke my own rule "the reader won't know unless you say so/show them in your own little way"Quote:
and for some idiotic reason have placed the minefield behind them, so it’s no use to them and cuts off their retreat. You achieve your goal, to describe the terror of the soldiers, but the situation is rather unlikely.
Yes i know what you mean. and toward the end i began working on the little things about people that make them people. if you compare the start of the story with the near ending you'll find its vastly different in the way i go about describing emotion (atleast imho).Quote:
Secondly, you do need to work on subtle emotions. I know the kind of story does not require it, but I think it will improve your writing immensely if you can add some more. The mech-pilot worrying about his little daughter is a good start. In a related note: at one point you tell us in one sentence that a person is normally very collected, but now losing his calm. I could not find the sentence again, but it is not a very elegant way of doing it.
Indeed, that is a terrible habbit of mine. I just want to get out what i want to put into the reader's mind i many times just come out and say it. Something i really need to break myself of.Quote:
Show us that the person is usually calm by dropping hints ("his voice did not betray his emotions", "the man did not appear shocked", etc.), don't tell us. And don't do it the same sentence where you make him also feel the opposite.
phew. you and me both brother. I was tired of writing them and i was worried people were tired of reading them, so i tried to add as many little things in there aside from fighting as i could. Though most times i tried to write scenes that didn't do fighting (in the style I chose to do this story) it just didn't read well. Its perhaps the format i chose for the story, it supports war and not much else if you get my meaning.Quote:
Thirdly, I have written that the story did not get repetitive, but during the battle of Solace I was getting tired of fight-scenes. I think you should have put a rest in the story somewhat earlier than you did. More variety in the scenes would have helped too.
1. thank you, my fav as well.Quote:
That said, some of the later fight scenes (scene xx and the one with the photograph) were IMO the best scenes of the entire story. The scène I liked the least was Uriel betraying his brothers, because it was such a cliché.
2. yeah a cliché, but what is a story without atleast one ~:joker: :book:
people like to think that humanity's greatest threat does not lay with themselves, their own darkside as it truely does. They would believe that there is some force, some evil, inhuman, incarnation of all things negative that will appear and challenge their goodness. Yet the true is that when it comes down to it, you'll find more of my creatures in actual people in this world, than anywhere else.(all that imho) This is my last story about "ultamite good fighting evil" for a long time.Quote:
Lastly, and this is not so much directed at you as at popular culture in general: why do people always assume that mutant means deadly, fast-spreading, hard-to-stop creature that will destroy humanity? I must assume it's because it gives good stories, because this assumption has nothing to do with genetics. ~D
Because lets face it, the world is not divided in clear black and white. No matter how much we want it to be; there are always shades of grey.
Won't be for a while, but I thank your comments :bow:Quote:
I hope you found this usefull, and I look forward to your next story.
I missed that entirely. You make every effort to make the creatures appear terrifying in that particular scene, but I see nothing of any psychic effects.Quote:
Originally Posted by Monk
I see. I know nothing of that universe, except that I recently played the Dawn of War Demo ~D .Quote:
As stated in the credits i based my military off the Warhammer 40k Imperial Guard. in the w/h universe they are not allowed to retreat, if they do they are killed on the spot.
Indeed, it did improve a lot towards the end. The pieces I had in mind were mainly at the beginning.Quote:
Yes i know what you mean. and toward the end i began working on the little things about people that make them people. if you compare the start of the story with the near ending you'll find its vastly different in the way i go about describing emotion (atleast imho).
You are probrably right about this. People like to project their problems on outside causes, ranging from Satan and Aliens to Jews and Communists.Quote:
people like to think that humanity's greatest threat does not lay with themselves, their own darkside as it truely does. They would believe that there is some force, some evil, inhuman, incarnation of all things negative that will appear and challenge their goodness. Yet the true is that when it comes down to it, you'll find more of my creatures in actual people in this world, than anywhere else.(all that imho) This is my last story about "ultamite good fighting evil" for a long time.
But the fear of genetics seems to me more of a Frankenstein-motif. Something intended to serve us runs out of control and destroys us.
Too bad for all those eager SF-writers that for anyone who knows how the genome works their stories are nonsense. The Human genome is finely balanced instrument. If you make major changes, it will just topple and collapse. ~D
I coulnd't agree more.Quote:
Because lets face it, the world is not divided in clear black and white. No matter how much we want it to be; there are always shades of grey.