In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Pretty sure this was posted in the Backroom sometime in the year and a half since it was written.
06-17-2009, 16:32
Rhyfelwyr
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
lulz
But I remember a thread about how "US English" is actually closer to the English of a few centuries ago compared to how it has evolved here in Britain.
06-17-2009, 16:35
PowerWizard
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemur
Pretty sure this was posted in the Backroom sometime in the year and a half since it was written.
You can never have enough lulz. Besides, have those circumstances changed that inspired the Minister of Silly Walks to write this letter in the first place? :2thumbsup:
06-17-2009, 16:37
Banquo's Ghost
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English. :evil:
06-17-2009, 16:41
PowerWizard
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost
It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
It can't be from 2000, since it mentions Gordon Brown, who assumed office in 2007.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost
There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English. :evil:
Let's hear it. :smash:
06-17-2009, 16:43
Furunculus
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost
It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English. :evil:
awesome, please do so. lol.
06-17-2009, 16:45
Louis VI the Fat
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Being a great fan of British humour, I venture to say this is not John Cleese / Monthy Python's style. :sweatdrop:
Quote:
a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.
Oh please, oh please! Let's hear it! :sweatdrop:
06-17-2009, 16:46
drone
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by PowerWizard
It can't be from 2000, since it mentions Gordon Brown, who assumed office in 2007.
That's why he said variant. ~;) It's been around for a while.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Letter
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
This is the clue, it's from Bush 43, either v1.0 or v2.0.
06-17-2009, 16:47
PowerWizard
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Are you assuming Obama is a competent president? What do you base your claim upon?
06-17-2009, 16:49
Hooahguy
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
:rolleyes:
06-17-2009, 16:50
PowerWizard
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Oh and looks like point 10 needs not to be implemented, as US car industry is already collapsing. I'm not happy with it though, as some of my favourite models are made there.
06-17-2009, 17:04
InsaneApache
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
It's true, it's from nearly a decade ago, just after shrub was elected the first time. As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains. He'd look great being paraded down the champs elesus. :laugh4:
06-17-2009, 17:08
drone
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by PowerWizard
Are you assuming Obama is a competent president? What do you base your claim upon?
It doesn't matter if I think that or not. I seriously doubt that "John Cleese" would start a letter with those words after the election of a Democrat as our President. The letter is being re-used, with slight alterations to make it more modern.
06-17-2009, 17:15
PowerWizard
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by drone
It doesn't matter if I think that or not. I seriously doubt that "John Cleese" would start a letter with those words after the election of a Democrat as our President. The letter is being re-used, with slight alterations to make it more modern.
France! Oh France! We didn't really mean to rename your beautiful fries and toast.
Ich bin kein Englander.
06-17-2009, 17:40
Hosakawa Tito
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
According to snopes, Cleese didn't write the piece but I bet he would delivery it very well. Here's one rebuttal I found and edited ever so slightly.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Quote:
Notice of the Annexation of the former United Kingdom
It is terribly embarrassing to admit that the majority of us Americans only recently realized that Britain isn't actually a Dependancy of the United States of America. It seems that despite the majority opinion to the contrary, the British Isles were not, in fact, appropriated along with Australia and New Zealand after President Lincoln put down the rebellion of accented English speakers.
Nevertheless, we Americans wish to correct our oversight before we become distracted by something else on the television. Thus, we have comprised a list of minor changes intended to bring about the 'Americanization' of the former United Kingdom:
1. Having a Queen is so 18th Century- oh, and strictly unconstitutional. So we suggest that Her Former Majesty take up the occupation for which she is immanently more qualified: :daisy:-slapping politicians that are too full of themselves. By the way, when she gets done setting the Isles straight, we could use her in DC.
2. As fun as powdered wigs are, lawyers and magistrates will no longer be required to wear them. However, as it is easier to shoot a lawyer on site if one can easily identify one, we suggest that lawyers continue this tradition voluntarily.
3. The Church of England will be re-organized as the Church of Global Warming.
4. The Stamp Act will be replaced by all the federal taxes you've been skipping out on since the 1860's. We'd send you a copy of the tax code, but Federal Express doesn't own a ship big enough to carry it.
5. The former United Kingdom will reinstate the Standard system of measurement. Mostly because Americans don't know if 32 deg. C is suppposed to be hot or cold.
6. Until further notice, American slang will be in full force throughout the Isles. Therefore, the scantily clad young female will not be referred to as the "bird", but rather the "hot chick". Cigarettes will be referred to as "smokes", not "fags". Violators will be flipped the "bird". Oh yeah, and you will learn to say "ain't".
7. That silly game with the wooden paddle will be replaced by the American sport of baseball. And since, by and large, we Americans do not like the people in Massachusetts, you can have the Boston Red Sox slot in the league. They don't know how to play baseball anyways.
8. In order to preserve the Union for future generations, all politicians will now be required to earn a passing grade from the Tony Blair Academy of Public Speaking before taking office.
9. The Right Honourable The Lords Spiritual and Temporal in Parliament Assembled shall be replaced by The Assembly Of Dudes That Talk Funny. The Assembly Of Dudes That Talk Funny will not be invested with the traditional legislative powers of parliament, however the policy of the two drink minimum will be retained.
10. Using America as a template, all the former duties and powers of parliament will now rest with the Reformed Secret Brotherhood of Stonecutters, and the Third International Guild of Public Service Workers until such time that the citizenry actually bothers to read the Constitution.
11. We'll tell you who killed JFK only after you apologize for the Tele-tubbies.
12. And finally, in order to ensure that the degradation of the former United Kingdom keeps pace with that of the rest of the United States of America, the BBC monopoly shall be broken so that you too may suffer from American Idol, Survivor, and whatever TV broadcast Rosie O'Donnell ends up on.
06-17-2009, 17:43
drone
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Are you accusing me of using a logical fallacy to support my argument that the letter is teh old? Or that "John Cleese" is poisoning the well with his opening statement?
06-17-2009, 17:47
Louis VI the Fat
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
France! Oh France!
Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
Quote:
Originally Posted by InsaneApache
As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains.
Mon dieu! We would never interfere in British politics in this vile manner! As far as we are concerned, Brown's staying firmly put. :sneaky:
06-17-2009, 18:09
miotas
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
How can you say revocation wrong? Then again how do you poms say it? Maybe us aussies say it wrong as well. :laugh4: I pronounce it rev-oc-ay-shun
06-17-2009, 18:27
Crazed Rabbit
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Dear Perfidious Albion:
We believe that you are confused about the nature of our independence. Apparently it is you who misunderstand revocation, or perhaps your inability to do so.
You see, one letter containing many erroneously placed 'u's doesn't actually affect anything. You'd have to come over here and attempt to enforce your will. And that's the second thing; we've got an awful lot of nice guns over here in America. And we've got an awful lot of people who know how to shoot them. And considering the difficulty your army had securing one city with less than 3 million people, I don't think they'd have much of a chance over here.
So any attempt to actually enforce your letter would end like the Revolutionary War, except quicker. France could get in on the action too.
And we'll have to put an end to this talk of a "special relationship" and just declare what everyone knows; that the UK is a vassal of the US. That way, we can make you stop your annoying whining about us dumping Gitmo inmates in Bermuda. And we'll give your leaders DVDs that don't work and make you say thanks.
CR
06-17-2009, 19:06
Pannonian
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost
It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
Snopes investigation traces it back to Alan Baxter in an internal newsgroup in November 2000, which was later expanded. The first publicly accessible version was posted to sci.military.naval by Peter Rieden on 15th November 2000.
Hmm, Snopes wasn't as thorough as usual on this one. Posted at the same time as Rieden's version, within the same thread, is a 4 item version by TJ, meaning they must have taken that from somewhere (probably Baxter's original).
06-17-2009, 19:07
Gregoshi
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Louis VI the Fat
Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
Boy, is that picture wrong. We pruds here in the US of A would not flash our boobs...except for those shown on CSPAN. ~D
06-17-2009, 19:22
drone
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pannonian
Snopes investigation traces it back to Alan Baxter in an internal newsgroup in November 2000, which was later expanded. The first publicly accessible version was posted to sci.military.naval by Peter Rieden on 15th November 2000.
Hmm, Snopes wasn't as thorough as usual on this one. Posted at the same time as Rieden's version, within the same thread, is a 4 item version by TJ, meaning they must have taken that from somewhere (probably Baxter's original).
Now it's starting to come back to me. It originated from the Florida fiasco in the 2000 elections. :bow:
06-17-2009, 19:34
KarlXII
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Louis VI the Fat
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Damn, now I must listen to La Marseille.
Quote:
Ich bin kein Englander.
You are no Englander?
Ich bin einer Englander nicht.
06-17-2009, 20:29
Beskar
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by InsaneApache
It's true, it's from nearly a decade ago, just after shrub was elected the first time. As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains. He'd look great being paraded down the champs elesus. :laugh4:
Don't remind everyone of Gordon Brown and Obama beach.
What was the worse, the Germans got a silent respect in Normandy while Gordon Brown was boo'd by the veterans... when you are getting a far worse reception than the Germans at Normandy as the British Prime-Minister, then something must be wrong.
06-17-2009, 21:05
Reverend Joe
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Louis VI the Fat
Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
:thinking: She looks like she's about to smack him in the face for touching her...
Also, hasn't France gone through multiple tumultuous changes in Government since she became a Republic? We only had one in the 1788, before you were even France; so technically, that makes us the older sibling.
I wasn't able to find it again on the intertubes, but a friend still had a version saved.
His Most Christian Majesty, Francis I of France, does hereby announce the revocation of the latitude allowed to the Duchy of Normandie et Angleterre (popularly known as England). Since the common people of that land have seen fit to overthrow their French lords and instate some random Welshman onto their 'throne", it is the noble duty of His Christian Majesty to reassert tight control lest their madness put at risk the valuable wool trade.
His Most Christian Majesty therefore requires:
1. That the English look up the word "révocation" in the Dictionnaire de l'Académie française. You will find you have been pronouncing it wrong. This is true of most of your gutteral croakings. Please speak more seductively.
2. Stop stealing words from other people. You will find French is quite enough for anyone's use and you only confuse the Germans. Learn French properly and stop shouting. "Paris vaut bien une messe" is a devastating quip on the Reformation, not a comment on the amount of dog turd fouling the capital.
3. You will be required to accept that you will never win the World Cup again. Ever. Getting your hopes up only to be dashed by the second game, whilst endlessly amusing to the Continent is, nonetheless, counter-productive to good morale and productivity. Just inventing a sport does not give you any further right to win at it. If this was your aim, you should have done what the Americans did and invent sports that no-one else plays whilst still calling it a world championship.
4. There is no such thing as English wine. The stuff you label thus is actually window cleaner. Get over it.
5. You are ordered to control the common soldiery. As the Queen would note, a man's tongue should be put to better use. Sticking it out to insult piles of French knights lying in the mud like pincushions is not the correct usage at all. If you continue to permit such disorderly behaviour, you will end up being ruled by girls, red-headed step-children and ugly men with warts who hate dancing. Possibly even Germans. Be warned.
6. Believe us, you will thank us for the tip about tongue use. Down there, you will no longer have to look at English women who hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down. No wonder you all get bladdered every Saturday night. Honestly, Welsh sheep were the wrong answer.
7. You are no longer allowed to portray your French masters as effeminate. It wasn't us who had the gayest war in history and called it the War of the Roses.
8. Warm beer is wrong on so many levels. Quantity does not trump quality, though we understand why you are trying to wash the taste away.
9. Your second Welsh "king" appears to have converted to Islam. If you really want a polygamous ruler, we can arrange to sell you to the Ottomans.
10. By the way, you can have America. You have no idea how much trouble it is going to be.
11. Chivalry. You're doing it wrong. The correct form when outnumbered by the flower of French nobility is to roll over and die in good order. Hiding behind a bog filled with pointy sticks and shooting at us is just not cricket.
12. Snails are tasty. You will learn to like them. They do not require suet to be tasty. Nothing requires suet.
13. Really, you don't need to work so hard. No-one really cares. Your boss thinks you're an idiot. The Anglo-Saxon work ethic is merely a device to ensure you don't spend even more time senseless with drink.
14. Whatever the Tudors tell you, five sheep tethered to a pole do not make a leisure centre.
15. We understand that with the quality of the women available, why you make love only once per year for fifteen seconds and the light out. We have no desire to be excessively cruel, so you can continue.
16. It is our regal duty to remind you that your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
06-17-2009, 23:09
Hosakawa Tito
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Believe us, you will thank us for the tip about tongue use. Down there, you will no longer have to look at English women who hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down
:laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4: I about wet myself when I read that.
06-17-2009, 23:19
Reverend Joe
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost
12. Snails are tasty. You will learn to like them. They do not require suet to be tasty. Nothing requires suet.
:tongue: I have to disagree with your petition there. Invertebrates are not meant for human consumption.
06-17-2009, 23:53
Pannonian
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reverend Joe
:tongue: I have to disagree with your petition there. Invertebrates are not meant for human consumption.
We're not meant to eat prawns, crabs, lobsters, oysters, mussels, et al?
06-18-2009, 00:08
PowerWizard
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost
I wasn't able to find it again on the intertubes, but a friend still had a version saved.
His Most Christian Majesty, Francis I of France, does hereby announce the revocation of the latitude allowed to the Duchy of Normandie et Angleterre (popularly known as England). Since the common people of that land have seen fit to overthrow their French lords and instate some random Welshman onto their 'throne", it is the noble duty of His Christian Majesty to reassert tight control lest their madness put at risk the valuable wool trade.
His Most Christian Majesty therefore requires:
1. That the English look up the word "révocation" in the Dictionnaire de l'Académie française. You will find you have been pronouncing it wrong. This is true of most of your gutteral croakings. Please speak more seductively.
2. Stop stealing words from other people. You will find French is quite enough for anyone's use and you only confuse the Germans. Learn French properly and stop shouting. "Paris vaut bien une messe" is a devastating quip on the Reformation, not a comment on the amount of dog turd fouling the capital.
3. You will be required to accept that you will never win the World Cup again. Ever. Getting your hopes up only to be dashed by the second game, whilst endlessly amusing to the Continent is, nonetheless, counter-productive to good morale and productivity. Just inventing a sport does not give you any further right to win at it. If this was your aim, you should have done what the Americans did and invent sports that no-one else plays whilst still calling it a world championship.
4. There is no such thing as English wine. The stuff you label thus is actually window cleaner. Get over it.
5. You are ordered to control the common soldiery. As the Queen would note, a man's tongue should be put to better use. Sticking it out to insult piles of French knights lying in the mud like pincushions is not the correct usage at all. If you continue to permit such disorderly behaviour, you will end up being ruled by girls, red-headed step-children and ugly men with warts who hate dancing. Possibly even Germans. Be warned.
6. Believe us, you will thank us for the tip about tongue use. Down there, you will no longer have to look at English women who hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down. No wonder you all get bladdered every Saturday night. Honestly, Welsh sheep were the wrong answer.
7. You are no longer allowed to portray your French masters as effeminate. It wasn't us who had the gayest war in history and called it the War of the Roses.
8. Warm beer is wrong on so many levels. Quantity does not trump quality, though we understand why you are trying to wash the taste away.
9. Your second Welsh "king" appears to have converted to Islam. If you really want a polygamous ruler, we can arrange to sell you to the Ottomans.
10. By the way, you can have America. You have no idea how much trouble it is going to be.
11. Chivalry. You're doing it wrong. The correct form when outnumbered by the flower of French nobility is to roll over and die in good order. Hiding behind a bog filled with pointy sticks and shooting at us is just not cricket.
12. Snails are tasty. You will learn to like them. They do not require suet to be tasty. Nothing requires suet.
13. Really, you don't need to work so hard. No-one really cares. Your boss thinks you're an idiot. The Anglo-Saxon work ethic is merely a device to ensure you don't spend even more time senseless with drink.
14. Whatever the Tudors tell you, five sheep tethered to a pole do not make a leisure centre.
15. We understand that with the quality of the women available, why you make love only once per year for fifteen seconds and the light out. We have no desire to be excessively cruel, so you can continue.
16. It is our regal duty to remind you that your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
A very poor attempt for a riposte by the French. Besides, it's very old.
06-18-2009, 01:59
Sarmatian
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by PowerWizard
Dear Citizens of America,
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
When it comes to British/US English (and languages in general), I think Eddie said it all...
06-18-2009, 03:06
Husar
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by PowerWizard
Ich bin kein Englander.
Neither are you german, since your keyboard is missing the ä.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reverend Joe
:thinking: She looks like she's about to smack him in the face for touching her...
Him??! :laugh4:
06-18-2009, 06:02
PowerWizard
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Husar
Neither are you german, since your keyboard is missing the ä.
Whät äre you tälking äbout?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Major Robert Dump
:daisy:
Jesus, why so serious? I posted a funny letter, and you attack me as if I actually thought it was serious? You need to calm down, dude. :laugh4:
06-18-2009, 06:17
Proletariat
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
You might think that MRD's post was serious, or a ham handed over reaction. But you were just killed by one thousand paper cuts. Anyone who read that letter and thinks it was Cleese just cough up your comedy licenses now and dump them in this here trash can.
:canoftrash:
06-18-2009, 12:22
Husar
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by PowerWizard
Whät äre you tälking äbout?
It's Engländer, not Englander. :inquisitive:
And you probably looked up the ASCII code...
06-18-2009, 12:35
Furunculus
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
i like the french riposte.
06-18-2009, 13:54
Beskar
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
The French riposte is full of errors. Number 1, Britain has never been under French Control. Normandy was it's own power in it's own right. France was a different nation.
06-18-2009, 14:45
Louis VI the Fat
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost
I've seen a formal response as written by the French
guaranteed to wind up the English. :evil:
The response is obviously an English product. Under the guise of taking stabs at Britain, it confirms the British in their view of the world. Very funny though. :2thumbsup:
Speaking of winding up, let's have a go at it:
17 - We know that English history books describe the Hundred Years War as a string of consecutive, devastating victories over the French. Which was so tedious to the enterprising English national character that they decided one day to pack up and go fight elsewhere in search of real challenges.
In reality, you suffered devastating defeat. To a peasant woman. After which England never dared to challenge 'the continent' again.
18 - Instead, English troops were from then on send all over the world in search of peaceful, rock-and-stick armed natives against which the English could pretend to be phenomenally great soldiers.
19 - If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. If French-speaking, Catholic Frenchmen, from France, under the leadership of a man listening to the name Guillaume le Bâtard, consider themselves French and pay hommage to the King of France, they are French. No matter how much it hurts English pride that it took a mere handful of Frenchmen from the duchy of Normandie only two weeks to subdue the whole of England. If the Normans are 'Vikings', then the English are Germans and Barack Obama is Irish.
20 - The Swiss Celts, the Italians, the Germans, the Norwegians, the Danes, the French - pretty much everyone - has at one point or another conquered Britian.
An invasion of Britain having thus come to be considered as challenging a conquest as 'easy Émilie' from the rue de Paradis, nobody has bothered invasion anymore for fear of being thought gay.
21 - France had a reformation over the philosophical debate over the nature of free will, praedestination, and divine providence. England had a reformation to make it possible for a man to fornicate with eight women.
21 - Napoleon posed a huge threat to the existing order of Europe. Not even the combined armies of Prussians, Russians, Spanish, Italians, Austrians could stop him. That is, until the one realm Napoleon could never conquer joined up with the continental allies and defeated him in a closely contested battle, after which he was send into exile. Honour to whom honour is due: the gods of the Russian winter are undefeatable.
Oh, and Napoleon later briefly returned from exile for three months. Marching a ragtag, untrained army of teenagers and crippled veterans north, he was quickly stopped at the insignificant battle of Waterloo and returned into exile.
22 - Wellington was a military genius, second only to Napoleon! Think about it, how many generals can make it their distinct goal to avoid open battle at all costs? And then manage to succeed in this despite the whole of Europe being one big battlefield for a quarter of a century? It is amazing to think how he consistently managed to find the exact few spots were he was safe from the French troops.
23 - French and British imperialism both set about to conquer the world. albeit in a very different manner. France send ideas and freedom, Britain shipped its undesirables abroad.
As a consequence, the French Code Civil rules Latin America, French liberty and equality rules in north America, French language invigorates Africa, French human rights and democracy are spread in the EU.
Whereas the entire British imperial legacy consists of a few Britons toasting under the Australian sun or freezing in the Canadian plain.
06-18-2009, 15:59
Husar
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
:laugh4: That was great Louis! :2thumbsup:
06-18-2009, 16:18
Furunculus
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Louis VI the Fat
23 - French and British imperialism both set about to conquer the world. albeit in a very different manner. France send ideas and freedom, Britain shipped its undesirables abroad.
As a consequence, the French Code Civil rules Latin America, French liberty and equality rules in north America, French language invigorates Africa, French human rights and democracy are spread in the EU.
Whereas the entire British imperial legacy consists of a few Britons toasting under the Australian sun or freezing in the Canadian plain.
i'm fairly sure their is evidence that demonstrates that ex-colonies governed by British Common Law have had better outcomes than ex-colonies governed by French Roman Law.
:smash:
06-18-2009, 17:01
Crazed Rabbit
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Marvelous Louis!
CR
06-19-2009, 02:13
Reverend Joe
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Not to beat a dead horse, but...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pannonian
We're not meant to eat prawns, crabs, lobsters, oysters, mussels, et al?
my mistake... I meant any animal without a skeleton. And yes, that does include mussels, oysters and clams. Unless you want worms to infect your eyes until they burst out of their sockets and dangle like two horribly swollen golfballs on tethers.
06-19-2009, 02:21
Reverend Joe
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Also, two things:
Quote:
Originally Posted by PowerWizard
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
"Aluminium" is spelled incorrectly in the letter. The correct spelling is "Aluminum."
"Color," "favor" and "neighbor" are not pronounced with a "u" becuase otherwise they would be pronounced "colawr", "favawr" and "neighbawr." Terribly Incorrect, aka. British, pronunciation.
Yeah, seriously, it's aluminium, not aluminimum or aluminum, those colonials always invent new spellings and then claim they're right, oh and while I'm at it, they use a completely outdated measurement system as well, about thime that they join Britain and then both join france so they can be enlightened about the modern world by our frog-eating friends. :2thumbsup:
06-19-2009, 15:52
PowerWizard
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Husar
It's Engländer, not Englander. :inquisitive:
And you probably looked up the ASCII code...
I knew it is Engländer, and I do have an umlaut on my keyboard, it's alt+A. And I knew you should write it as Engländer, but wasn't sure it's not displayed as gibberish character for other people.
06-19-2009, 17:12
Pannonian
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by PowerWizard
I knew it is Engländer, and I do have an umlaut on my keyboard, it's alt+A. And I knew you should write it as Engländer, but wasn't sure it's not displayed as gibberish character for other people.
A common alternative way of indicating the umlaut is to follow the vowel with an e.
06-19-2009, 17:24
Jolt
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beskar
Britain has never been under French Control. Normandy was it's own power in it's own right. France was a different nation.
Normandy was ruled by a man which had pledged an oath of fealty to the French King. He was French. He was knighted by the French king himself. He only spoke French. He eliminated all other English noblemen and replaced them with French noblemen. He is buried in France.
06-19-2009, 17:42
Meneldil
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
It is clear that the supposed french response is actually the work of a true englishman.
I prefer Louis's response by far :2thumbsup:
06-19-2009, 17:55
miotas
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Husar
Yeah, seriously, it's aluminium, not aluminimum or aluminum, those colonials always invent new spellings and then claim they're right, oh and while I'm at it, they use a completely outdated measurement system as well, about thime that they join Britain and then both join france so they can be enlightened about the modern world by our frog-eating friends. :2thumbsup:
Hey, I'm a colonial myself :laugh4:
It's just that we decided to stick with the crown. If it ain't broke don't fix it right? :2thumbsup: (some things however, like that outdated, inefficient measuring system clearly are broken:smash:)
06-19-2009, 18:34
Reverend Joe
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Husar
Yeah, seriously, it's aluminium, not aluminimum or aluminum, those colonials always invent new spellings and then claim they're right, oh and while I'm at it, they use a completely outdated measurement system as well, about thime that they join Britain and then both join france so they can be enlightened about the modern world by our frog-eating friends. :2thumbsup:
The earliest citation given in the Oxford English Dictionary for any word used as a name for this element is alumium, which British chemist and inventor Humphry Davy employed in 1808 for the metal he was trying to isolate electrolytically from the mineral alumina.
By 1812, Davy had settled on aluminum. He wrote in the journal Chemical Philosophy: "As yet Aluminum has not been obtained in a perfectly free state." But the same year, an anonymous contributor to the Quarterly Review, a British political-literary journal, objected to aluminum and proposed the name aluminium, "for so we shall take the liberty of writing the word, in preference to aluminum, which has a less classical sound."
The correct spelling is "Aluminum." It was biased British literacy pundits who gave it the incorrect spelling in a misguided attempt to make British sound like a noble language. We only realized our mistake decades later and have since corrected the spelling.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Culture wars are fun! :2thumbsup:
06-19-2009, 19:40
Brenus
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
I did like this one after the 1st W Bush elections:
The French riposte is full of errors. Number 1, Britain has never been under French Control. Normandy was it's own power in it's own right. France was a different nation.
Epic Fail
Quote:
Originally Posted by Louis VI the Fat
The response is obviously an English product. Under the guise of taking stabs at Britain, it confirms the British in their view of the world. Very funny though. :2thumbsup:
Quite right, and specifically an English product, rather than Welsh or Scots.
06-19-2009, 21:46
Beskar
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Philipvs Vallindervs Calicvla
Epic Fail
Nope. Normandy was a Fiefdom, not part of France. It had it's own empire spanding Sciliy, Southern Italy, Antioch, etc.
The arguments such as "they speak french" would mean Canada/America/etc are "England".
06-19-2009, 22:48
Philippus Flavius Homovallumus
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beskar
Nope. Normandy was a Fiefdom, not part of France. It had it's own empire spanding Sciliy, Southern Italy, Antioch, etc.
A myth perpetrated by Dudo. William the Bastard was a Vassal of the King of France. The Duchy was no more or less independant than Brittany or Flanders. In fact, only the Ilde de France was under the direct control of the King at this time. As to the other posessitions you cite, they never came under the control of the King-Duke and therefore the "Empire" was never more than cultural.
In any case, you said that all yourself. A Fiefdom has to be enfeoffed by someone. The Duke was enfeoffed by the King of France.
06-19-2009, 23:02
Jolt
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Further, in the Political Schematics of the Medieval World, it was run under the principle of the "Respublica Christiana", where all Kings were vassals of the Pope, and no one was truly independent. According to this, under the Medieval Law, since William I was not a direct vassal of the Pope, but of the King of France, then any and all of his lands were in theory propriety of the King of France. The King could in theory revoke William from his fiefs, which included obviously England. Just like Massilia was a part of the Roman Republic before its annexation or much of the British African Empire was part of Africa. Those were protectorates, where the protected entity payed tribute and fealty to its Lord. Massilia -> Rome ; Bechualand -> Britain ; William -> King of France. Of course this is all theory. But de jure, England was part of France, and since I'm not sure if any French King ever withdrew his claims to England, in which case the French Republic, as the lawful successor of the French Kingdom, is still entitled to all claims which the kings of old did not relenquish.
06-19-2009, 23:21
Meneldil
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beskar
Nope. Normandy was a Fiefdom, not part of France. It had it's own empire spanding Sciliy, Southern Italy, Antioch, etc.
The arguments such as "they speak french" would mean Canada/America/etc are "England".
Wut ? Sicily, Southern Italy and Antioch being part of the Dukedom of Normandy ?
That deserves another "Epic fail".
Normans (or at least, the Normans who invaded England), though they had norse origins, were by all standards, french. They spoke french, adopted french administration and military system, were vassals of the French king. Furthermore, the majority of the people who followed Guillaume weren't actually Normans. His host was composed of Normans, Bretons, Aquitanians, Flemish, and other people from Maine, Tolosa, Paris.
The dukedom of Normandy was just as part of France than was the dukedom of Tolosa, the dukedom of Aquitania, Provence or whatever. It had been given to Rolon by the french king, and was at that point, considered as a part of France, like a thousand of other fiefdoms (though Britanny and Flanders would be bad examples, as the first remained independent for quite a while and the second was also claimed by the Empire).
So yeah, England is a french country that unhappilly forgot its roots ;-/
06-19-2009, 23:47
Philippus Flavius Homovallumus
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jolt
Further, in the Political Schematics of the Medieval World, it was run under the principle of the "Respublica Christiana", where all Kings were vassals of the Pope, and no one was truly independent. According to this, under the Medieval Law, since William I was not a direct vassal of the Pope, but of the King of France, then any and all of his lands were in theory propriety of the King of France. The King could in theory revoke William from his fiefs, which included obviously England. Just like Massilia was a part of the Roman Republic before its annexation or much of the British African Empire was part of Africa. Those were protectorates, where the protected entity payed tribute and fealty to its Lord. Massilia -> Rome ; Bechualand -> Britain ; William -> King of France. Of course this is all theory. But de jure, England was part of France, and since I'm not sure if any French King ever withdrew his claims to England, in which case the French Republic, as the lawful successor of the French Kingdom, is still entitled to all claims which the kings of old did not relenquish.
Actually, this is not exactly correct either.
The Duke of Normandy was a feudal vassal of the French King, the King of England was not. England was not a fiefdom of France, so the French King could not strip William of it. However, William did owe an obligation to the King of France which might make England a de facto fief of France unless William renounced his Dukedom. In all this it is important to understand that the office was held by the man, but not tied to him. Also, Kings could in limited way be vassals of their own vassals if they held lands as sub-tenants.
William was styled "Dux et Rex" because the two offices were completely seperate.
It is also an error to suppose the Pope claimed feudal overlordship at this time, that was a claim developed over a century later. At this point the Pope claimed only spiritual overlordship, while the Emperor claimed temporal lordship over the Roman Empire. In practice this meant very little, but theoretically both England and France were Legatine vicarages of the Western Roman Emperor.
However, just to make it more complicated, William conquered under a Papal banner with Papal approval. As such, the Pope did make a temporal claim to overlordship which he subsequently withdrew.
Interestingly, in these complexities lie the roots both of the Hundred Years War and the Break with Rome.
06-20-2009, 00:09
Brenus
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
“The Duke of Normandy was a feudal vassal of the French King, the King of England was not. England was not a fiefdom of France, so the French King could not strip William of it.” THAT was the big problem. The Duke of Normandy was the King of England. He had to give homage to the King of France and to answer to the Call to Arms due to his suzerain. But as King of England he wanted to be treated as equal to the King of France.
The King of England having lands in France wouldn’t be a problem…
“Interestingly, in these complexities lie the roots both of the Hundred Years War “
Are you sure? For what I remember it was because Philip le Bel’s (the one who killed the Templar) sons died without male heir the king of England (son of Isabelle, daughter of Phillip) had a valid claim on the throne. But thanks to a forgery I think made by Robert (the Red) d’Artois the lawyers of his uncle claimed the throne couldn’t go “en quenouille” through female (Salic law).
That wasn’t really a valid point because the son could have manage the throne “par le chef” on the behalf of his mother, as it was done for the “duché pairie”. The Duchés Pairies” were lands that gave the title of Pair du Royaume and a place in the King Council.
So, after a little digression, I am nor sure that William and his bizarre status in term of Feudalism was the departure of the 100 years war…:sweatdrop:
06-20-2009, 00:10
Beskar
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meneldil
Wut ? Sicily, Southern Italy and Antioch being part of the Dukedom of Normandy ?
That deserves another "Epic fail".
Yes and? you just proved that your spelling is as outdated as your measuremnet system. :freak:
Also PowerWizard, I wasn't entirely serious, I just wanted to point that out, and no worries, ä appears fine, even for the colonials. ~D
06-20-2009, 00:37
Philippus Flavius Homovallumus
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Yes, those are the possessions of the Normans; not of the Duke of the Normans, or the King of England.
I'm sorry, your understanding of the history is wrong.
06-20-2009, 00:46
Philippus Flavius Homovallumus
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brenus
“The Duke of Normandy was a feudal vassal of the French King, the King of England was not. England was not a fiefdom of France, so the French King could not strip William of it.” THAT was the big problem. The Duke of Normandy was the King of England. He had to give homage to the King of France and to answer to the Call to Arms due to his suzerain. But as King of England he wanted to be treated as equal to the King of France.
The King of England having lands in France wouldn’t be a problem…
Yes, which is why the King of England had the genius idea of declaring Normandy one of his own fiefs.:laugh4:
Quote:
“Interestingly, in these complexities lie the roots both of the Hundred Years War “
Are you sure? For what I remember it was because Philip le Bel’s (the one who killed the Templar) sons died without male heir the king of England (son of Isabelle, daughter of Phillip) had a valid claim on the throne. But thanks to a forgery I think made by Robert (the Red) d’Artois the lawyers of his uncle claimed the throne couldn’t go “en quenouille” through female (Salic law).
That wasn’t really a valid point because the son could have manage the throne “par le chef” on the behalf of his mother, as it was done for the “duché pairie”. The Duchés Pairies” were lands that gave the title of Pair du Royaume and a place in the King Council.
So, after a little digression, I am nor sure that William and his bizarre status in term of Feudalism was the departure of the 100 years war…:sweatdrop:
Not the jumping off point, but the dynastic tangle arguably starts there, and the ambiguous feudal relationship caused tension, then the Normans lost Normandy...
06-20-2009, 01:44
Reverend Joe
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Husar
Yes and? you just proved that your spelling is as outdated as your measuremnet system. :freak:
It's not outdated, it's just right. And our measurement system is common sense. Even wee babes can understand that water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212. Freezing at 0 and boiling at 100? Everything in factors of 10? Where on earth did you come up with that nonsense?!
06-20-2009, 02:04
Husar
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reverend Joe
It's not outdated, it's just right. And our measurement system is common sense. Even wee babes can understand that water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212. Freezing at 0 and boiling at 100? Everything in factors of 10? Where on earth did you come up with that nonsense?!
Where on earth does a foot come from? Are all shoes the same size in the US? :inquisitive:
06-20-2009, 02:46
Reverend Joe
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Husar
Where on earth does a foot come from? Are all shoes the same size in the US? :inquisitive:
Well, yeah, of course... what, you have different size feet over there? No wonder you people are so nutty.
06-20-2009, 02:53
KukriKhan
Re: Why USA will rejoin the British Empire
Quote:
Originally Posted by Husar
Where on earth does a foot come from? Are all shoes the same size in the US? :inquisitive:
"Enjoy." It doesn't free the Duke of Normandy of his vassal link, or makes him less French. It just increases the French Kingdom.:laugh4:
That would have surprise the French King indeed, and problably Guillaume himself.
