Daddy's Dating Rules

From my email inbox:

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Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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You have a daughter, don't you Dave? I don't know why, but this made me think of you...

Hahahahahaha, very funny. I could just imagine Robert de Niro saying that. Did you get it from Big-Boys.com

:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:

Dave? sending threatening emails are you now? ~:cheers:

where do I sign up? ~D

Being the principle guardian of the safety of my sweetie's seven and nine year old daughters, I am going to have the opportunity to nail that wonderful list of rules to the forehead of the first boy that shows up at my door.

My God, it's going to be fun. :devilish:

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Originally Posted by Beirut

Being the principle guardian of the safety of my sweetie's seven and nine year old daughters, I am going to have the opportunity to nail that wonderful list of rules to the forehead of the first boy that shows up at my door.

My God, it's going to be fun. :devilish:

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But, you like the women, right Beirut? So wouldn't you find yourself empathising with the poor lad a bit too much? I mean, he just wants what you want. ~D

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the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me

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:laugh4: :laugh4:

:balloon2:

This whole datingt hing is a bit to much as it is, do we really need the parents involved and armed to the teeth?

Can't we all get along without stereotyping? I seriously doubt most teenagers are wild rapists that are up to no good.

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Originally Posted by Byzantine Prince

I seriously doubt most teenagers are wild rapists that are up to no good.

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So it's just you then? ~;)

Nah, I'm too shy for any of that. ~:)

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Originally Posted by Big King Sanctaphrax

But, you like the women, right Beirut? So wouldn't you find yourself empathising with the poor lad a bit too much? I mean, he just wants what you want. ~D

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I empathize with the poor lad completely. He can break all the hearts he wants.

But if he does it at my house...

:hanged:

(And I know how to tie it the right way.)

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Originally Posted by Beirut

I empathize with the poor lad completely. He can break all the hearts he wants.

But if he does it at my house...

:hanged:

(And I know how to tie it the right way.)

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So beirut, where do I sign up to break your daughter's heart ~D :duel: :bow:

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Originally Posted by Beirut

Being the principle guardian of the safety of my sweetie's seven and nine year old daughters, I am going to have the opportunity to nail that wonderful list of rules to the forehead of the first boy that shows up at my door.

My God, it's going to be fun. :devilish:

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*decides he won't go to Quebec for the next twenty years*

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Originally Posted by Byzantine Prince

Nah, I'm too shy for any of that. ~:)

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Wussy!

LoL ~D I like your spirit Beirut. And some shooting practice is always welcome....

Give him a chance to run. Its not so fun when its a static target. Optionally, try to hit him throwing trees as the scots do. Now if you go for this latter option, could you record it and upload it? ~D

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Originally Posted by The Wizard

*decides he won't go to Quebec for the next twenty years*

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*decides not to go to Quebec EVER again*

shot and buried they are no longer a problem, but wounded and able to tell the others why and how, that's just free advertising

ichi ~:cheers:

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Originally Posted by evil_maniac from mars

*decides not to go to Quebec EVER again*

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*packs for Quebec* ~:joker:
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*contemplates the fact that he does live in Quebec as well*

Santé! ~:cheers:

My goddaughter, her father and I played a joke on one of her dates (she's only 14 so it was a pretty "lite" date). She told him that it was really important to make a good impression on her dad, to introduce himself and be polite, etc. When he came over, I answered the door. He immediately smiled, shook my hand, and started jabbering away in a most friendly manner--assuming I was her dad. Sammy played along, having a tough time keeping from busting up laughing. I went along with it, not talking very much, and I neither glowered nor smiled.

Finally he was feeling comfortable and he turned to Sammy and said, "I thought you said your dad was on the heavy side ... he's not fat at all!" I'm about 5'8", 155 pounds. At this point, Sammy's dad came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.

Do you all remember William Wallace's buddy Hamish in the movie "Braveheart?" Well, my bro Larry looks almost exactly like him--6'2", 300 pounds, and a 16-year retired veteran of the US Special Forces and Reserve National Guard (Panama, Grenada, Desert Shield, Desert Storm, et. al). He's a giant teddy bear, but if you don't know him he can be extremely intimidating.

Larry said in a low growl of a voice, "So ... do you think I'm fat??!!" In actuality Larry is quite fat these days. I thought the poor kid was going to wet himself. Honey lips from the previous moment turned to quivering jello, and the confident, almost cocky voice dwindled to a stammer. Fortunately Larry is a sensitive fellow, and broke into a huge grin and extended his hand just before I think the kid was going to break and run. Sammy and I burst out laughing. It took Mr. Date (I can't remember his name) a few seconds to realize we'd been messin' with him, but he took it in stride despite turning a deep shade of crimson.

All Larry had to say before they left was: "You're going to keep my daughter safe and have her home on time, correct?" One would have thought Mr. Date had just been given a top secret mission critical to national security. He looked Larry in the eye and replied most severely, "You can count on it sir." At least he didn't salute. He kept his word.

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~:joker:
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Now Toga, that IS funny. 6'2" 300 pounds and long time forces veteran, nooooo, that is someone with whose daughter you do NOT mess.

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Originally Posted by ah_dut

So beirut, where do I sign up to break your daughter's heart ~D :duel: :bow:

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Just sign at the bottom of the page, right beside where it says "Organ Donor".

:evilgrin:

Why, oh why are some fathers so idiot about a date of their daughter?

I mean: threathening a girl's boyfriend before he has done one thing wrong is quite insane. In fact: I think it would be much worse for a girl if her father killed her boyfriend.

If I was a girl (nooooo, ~:eek:) I'd move out of my fathers house if he did this.


The girl I like most has nice parents, they like and don't have shotguns. ~D

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Originally Posted by drisos

Why, oh why are some fathers so idiot about a date of their daughter?

I mean: threathening a girl's boyfriend before he has done one thing wrong is quite insane. In fact: I think it would be much worse for a girl if her father killed her boyfriend.

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No it wouldn't.

The reason we menfolk think it's a good idea to threaten the boyfriend in advance is to at least try to impart some discipline upon his most undisciplned lower half. Because a fifteen or sixteen year-old horny toad will be all too ready and willing to forget the complications inherent in unprotected sexual activity. Thos being pregnancy, STDs, and my boot accelerating up his ass. Therefore, in the best interests of all, he get's fair warning. "You pull a Pearl Harbor on my little sweetie, and Hiroshima will follow upon you as sure as night follows day."

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Originally Posted by drisos

The girl I like most has nice parents, they like and don't have shotguns. ~D

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Yes he does. I sold it to him.

Lets face it, 15-16 year old boys have one huge disadvantage negotiating with fathers, namely, that we ourselves have been 15-16 year old boys.

Still not quite convinced . . . .

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Originally Posted by Beirut

Because ALL??? sixteen year-old horny toad will be all too ready and willing to forget the complications inherent in unprotected sexual activity.

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Sorry for messing up the quote, but did you mean this with it?
Where I live, only about 25% of the 15, 16 boys is like this. I'm 16 now too and don't plan to have sex in the following 2 years.

I think it's a different story in US then in the netherlands, then.
But not all boys are like that in US, that cannot be.

Also, I'd consider murder worse than sex, actually. Unless the girl didn't want it. In case the girl agreed there nothing to blaim the boy. The girl is as responsible as the boy for her sexual actions.

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Originally Posted by drisos

Still not quite convinced . . . .

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You don't need to be. He does.

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Originally Posted by drisos

Sorry for messing up the quote, but did you mean this with it?
Where I live, only about 25% of the 15, 16 boys is like this. I'm 16 now too and don't plan to have sex in the following 2 years.

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You are abviously a well meaning and civilized young man. A rare and most welcome aberation. ~;)

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Originally Posted by drisos

Also, I'd consider murder worse than sex, actually. Unless the girl didn't want it. In case the girl agreed there nothing to blaim the boy. The girl is as responsible as the boy for her sexual actions.

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They are both irresponsible and it's my job to keep their irresponsibiltiy curtailed until the last possible moment. Preferably until she's thirty or so.

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Originally Posted by Beirut

No it wouldn't.

The reason we menfolk think it's a good idea to threaten the boyfriend in advance is to at least try to impart some discipline upon his most undisciplned lower half. Because a fifteen or sixteen year-old horny toad will be all too ready and willing to forget the complications inherent in unprotected sexual activity. Thos being pregnancy, STDs, and my boot accelerating up his ass. Therefore, in the best interests of all, he get's fair warning. "You pull a Pearl Harbor on my little sweetie, and Hiroshima will follow upon you as sure as night follows day."

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You, sir, are surprisingly redneck-like for your Canadian place of living. Fancy moving to Texas? ~;)

But, oh well, daddy doesn't want his little girl growing up too fast. First she's playing with dolls, next thing she's playing with things a whole world away, a world daddy doesn't wanna consider in this lifetime or the next. ~;)

But, who am I? Ah yes, some Dutch schmuck living in the country where they execute imperfect babies and where sodomy is the order of the day. I mean, I love America and all, but you guys really are too protective. Which is the problem: curiosity killed the cat. Or in this case, the cat's curiosity killed the boy ~D



~Wiz

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Originally Posted by English assassin

Lets face it, 15-16 year old boys have one huge disadvantage negotiating with fathers, namely, that we ourselves have been 15-16 year old boys.

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precisely. All fathers know what they can expect from teenage boys, because they've been there themselves. It's pointless to try and convince me otherwise, when I know that I was feeling just the same ("horny toad" was indeed an adequate metaphor) and I had the exact same intentions that they have... been there, done that.

Hope I have boys. ~D

Beirut, it's dad's like you that give a bad impression to their sons. YOU date anyone you find attractive for the obvious purpose of sex and if you hypothetically had sons, they would get the impression that it's ok to act that way. So in other words you're the last person to be complaining about this.

As for me personally, my parents never talked about dating or anything that is more then a friendship with girls, and till about the time I was 17 I was scared to even touch a girl inappropriately. Especially one I didn't know for years. I'm not saying because it's like some sad story, this is the way it should be. Kids are not suposed to have sex unless their parents agree of course, which is totally reasonable in my book.

Also, you can't blame boys for wanting to have sex when the girls want it just as badly. You don't have the right to chase them around with a knife or a shotgun or whatever in order to exact revenge if something hapens between them. I alway thought women were equal to men, by doing that you are affirming the popular belief among rednecks that women are objects to be owned.

Bp, Beriut is what all people are: protective. Very possibly it will be some damn schmuk who doesn't really care about her.
That said, I really can't contribute since I'm not a parent, and I've never dated...

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Originally Posted by Beirut

Just sign at the bottom of the page, right beside where it says "Organ Donor".

:evilgrin:

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~:joker:
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Originally Posted by Byzantine Prince

Beirut, it's dad's like you that give a bad impression to their sons. YOU date anyone you find attractive for the obvious purpose of sex and if you hypothetically had sons, they would get the impression that it's ok to act that way. So in other words you're the last person to be complaining about this.

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No, I'm the first. I am "father" to two little girls who's biological progenetor walked out on them. I know first hand the consequences of irresponsible men and now it's my job to repair the situation. Part of that is to protect my little sweeties from other irresponsible men and to make them feel safe in the world.

Yes, my sons, if I had any, would be raised like me. To see women as desirable on many levels. What they would also see as well is that there are responsibilities that go along with their actions and you can only be a man when you accept and live up to those responsibilties. You want to bang some broad, great. You make a baby - get a job boy. 'Cause y'all got some bills to pay.

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Originally Posted by Byzantine Prince

As for me personally, my parents never talked about dating or anything that is more then a friendship with girls, and till about the time I was 17 I was scared to even touch a girl inappropriately. Especially one I didn't know for years. I'm not saying because it's like some sad story, this is the way it should be. Kids are not suposed to have sex unless their parents agree of course, which is totally reasonable in my book.

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You are of course free to view relationships and morality as you see fit. I am in no position to say you are wrong about anything.

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Originally Posted by Byzantine Prince

Also, you can't blame boys for wanting to have sex when the girls want it just as badly. You don't have the right to chase them around with a knife or a shotgun or whatever in order to exact revenge if something hapens between them. I alway thought women were equal to men, by doing that you are affirming the popular belief among rednecks that women are objects to be owned.

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Of course I can't blame the boys for wanting to have sex. But I sure as hell can if they plan on having it with anybody living in my house.

Oh, I would use an axe. I like axes. And any boy who shows up at my door with romantic intentions will know to the depths of his soul just how much I love axes.

Women are equal in some ways and not in others. And to the limits of each specific relationship, and in different contexts, women are to be owned. But that ownership comes with an equal or greater amount of responsibility. Authority without responsibility is for cowards. If I work all week, get up early every morning and feed the kids so my woman can sleep late, if I walk the kids to the school bus stop every morning and then walk back home to get ready for work, if I tuck them in every night and clean up their barf at 3AM when they're sick, if I help them with their homework and guard them when they play in the park, then I have earned the right to act the redneck with my woman from time to time.

Besides, she likes it. ~;)

Authority and responsibility on equal terms. That's what lets a man act like a man. And until the boy at the door with romance in his heart has proven that he can live up to those standards, he's nothing but a target for my wrath.

Hello Beirut,

A question: Would you let your daughters have sex if it was protected, or are you against anything at least for now.

I'm sure you're a great dad, and do all you can to give your daughter a good start in her life! But, in case it does happen, please don't kill the boy. We don't want to lose senior members, and there are no computers in prison. ~D

:bow:

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Originally Posted by drisos

Hello Beirut,

A question: Would you let your daughters have sex if it was protected, or are you against anything at least for now.

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Considering one is seven and the other is nine, I plan on having them keep their relationships platonic for the next decade or two. Mind you, my nine year-old does has a "boyfriend". He's much too young and cute to kill just yet. In four or five years maybe.

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Originally Posted by drisos

I'm sure you're a great dad, and do all you can to give your daughter a good start in her life! But, in case it does happen, please don't kill the boy. We don't want to lose senior members, and there are no computers in prison. ~D

:bow:

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Ha! :balloon2:

Just be horrifically honest and have a handshake like steel. Then let's see Daddy try and get in the way.

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Originally Posted by BDC

Just be horrifically honest and have a handshake like steel. Then let's see Daddy try and get in the way.

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Could you be as brave looking into the eyes of a man who would count it as entirely reasonable to spend the rest of his life in prison to protect his little girl?

I don't have kids yet but I would do the same for any of my family.

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And to the limits of each specific relationship, and in different contexts, women are to be owned. But that ownership comes with an equal or greater amount of responsibility.

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LoL. Post-feminism, lumberjack style...

We DO all understand that what may be appropriate at 16 is going to be a bit weird at 21, though, right? I mean, I personally am not actually planning that my daughter should be a virgin for life (though to be honest as she is six months I haven't given the subject a whole lot of thought just yet.)

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Originally Posted by Beirut

Considering one is seven and the other is nine

my nine year-old does have a boyfriend

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What?? At the age of nine years old? ~:eek:

I'm 16 now(uhhhhh, wait! I got it. . I think I'm 16 ~D) and still am too shy mostly to even touch a girl. :embarassed:

Seeing as this seems to have become a discussion on sexual ethics, I'm going to move it.

I agree.

To backroom?

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Originally Posted by Byzantine Prince

As for me personally, my parents never talked about dating or anything that is more then a friendship with girls, and till about the time I was 17 I was scared to even touch a girl inappropriately. Especially one I didn't know for years. I'm not saying because it's like some sad story, this is the way it should be. Kids are not suposed to have sex unless their parents agree of course, which is totally reasonable in my book.

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That's the least Nietzschean thing you've ever said.

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That's the least Nietzschean thing you've ever said.

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Nietzsche might condur. ~D

HoweverI do believe that you should have parental permision at that age before having sex. I know a person could be ready for it even really early, but I think that that innocence about it should be kept as long as possible.

I doubt Nietzsche was a virgin. ~;)

Wasn't he in love with his sister?

:freak: "Wher's ma banjo, ma?"

You young kids (argh - First time I've said that) just don't get the feeling that can fill a guy where a kid he's responsible for (mostly girls) are concerned. The knowledge that absolutely nothing would be out of order to protect the child. This makes clear darwinian sense, even though your own genes aren't actually involved.

That why that list goes from being absurd to making a scary kind of sense as you get older.

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Originally Posted by Byzantine Prince

HoweverI do believe that you should have parental permision at that age before having sex. I know a person could be ready for it even really early, but I think that that innocence about it should be kept as long as possible.

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At which age?

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Originally Posted by Ja'chyra

Could you be as brave looking into the eyes of a man who would count it as entirely reasonable to spend the rest of his life in prison to protect his little girl?

I don't have kids yet but I would do the same for any of my family.

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Well he's quite large so I could probably outrun him. Or squeeze through small holes and hide.

Anyway how would you have parental permission for sex? It's just too horrible to even comprehend.

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Originally Posted by Mouzafphaerre

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*packs for Quebec* ~:joker:
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What, you got a death wish?

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Originally Posted by evil_maniac from mars

What, you got a death wish?

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Maybe he's 7' tall, 350lbs and armed to the teeth.

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Originally Posted by drisos

What?? At the age of nine years old? ~:eek:

I'm 16 now(uhhhhh, wait! I got it. . I think I'm 16 ~D) and still am too shy mostly to even touch a girl. :embarassed:

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My friend states his brother (in grade 2) has over 16, and kissed more than half of them.

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My friend states his brother (in grade 2) has over 16, and kissed more than half of them.

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Are you sure that's not sexual harassment? ~:eek:

It isn't if the girls like to be kissed or kiss him too.

Why do you ask, BP?

You should have sex while you are young. It's so much more fun when you are a teenager..... ~;)

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Originally Posted by evil_maniac from mars

My friend states his brother (in grade 2) has over 16, and kissed more than half of them.

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Don't understand this post. . .please translate into (simple-to-understand) English . . . :help:

His friend's brother has 16 girl friends, and has kissed more than half. That brother is in 2nd grade.

Thanks steppe merc!

Only: how can he have 16 girl friends?? ~:confused: Don't they mind? ~D Or don't they know? ~D

Maybe one at a time ???

I think he meant "has had", not "has".

Reminds me of when my sister went on her first date (don't have any kids of my own, call it a work in progress ~;) ) . Anyway my dad and I (about 16-17 at the time) sat in the living room cleaning a number of guns. As the date entered (about 14 pimply first date and all that) he sees us, my dad stands wearing a t-shirt and boxers only and shakes his hand, gives him a crazed look and says "Sorry for the mess, we're going hunting tommorow, and gotta prepare. There's nothing like hunting" and this continued as a 4 minute discourse on the joys of stalking prey and killing it. When he was finished the kid was quite shaky and I come up put my arm around him and tell him that he can do what he wants, drugs, booze, whatever so long as he don't get caught. Cause I got friends in the system. Showed him a fake tatoo and a 'shank scar' and this kid positively pissed himself. The women folk weren't happy with us but the look on that kid's face made the world a better place.