Printable View
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
What a complete piece of spam. Chuck Norris jokes are teh old.
Post count +1.
They're still good, mind you.Quote:
Originally Posted by currywurry
:balloon2:
Do all Chuck Norris jokes have that bad of a punch line? ~D
Not as bad as your puns. ;-) :laugh4:
Chuck Norris is a nancy boy.
Tony Jaa would kick Chuck Norris and his cowboy ass.
You all know very well that the only man ever to beat Chuck was Bruce Lee!
Chuck Norris has only two speeds: walking and killing.
Crazed Rabbit
Chuck Norris chews chunky biz lumps.
No more Chuck Norris jokes, WH Taft only from now on.
Does this mean we can create whole threads devoted to All Your Base Are Belong To Us?
I mean, it's a good idea to recycle.
10...
9...
8...
No. They belong to Chuck Norris.
7i...Quote:
Originally Posted by Beirut
8i...
9i...
10i...
11
Chuck Norris is the devil.
I get a kick out of them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gregoshi
Gah.... THE PAIN!Quote:
Originally Posted by doc_bean
Chuck Norris > All
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Once I wanted to meet Chuck Norris, but he told me to turn into toilet papers, he said that it was only the way to.
(I know Eastern sense of humor sucks for you but..)
Chuck Norris is actually a ninja with real ultimate power who murders pirates day and night. Sometimes he fights butt pirates too.
I've seen Chuck Norris in person. Truely a site to behold.
If I'm going to keep this open, I want to see every post having a decent Chuck Norris joke in it.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep.
He waits.
My favorite.
I saw Chuck Norris in Missing In Action...and that was the problem - I saw him. I was hoping he was the subject of the title.
Just kidding. I've nothing against Chuck except he has about the cheesiest beard I've ever seen. He oughta chop it off.
Who?Quote:
Originally Posted by The Wizard
Do all Texas Rangers look like Chuck Norris?
yes
as a matter of fact I think the Texas Department of Rangers has had massive cutbacks and is solely relying on Chuck.
He could do. I used to hear a crap load of Chuck Norris jokes from my friends but I can't seem to remember any of them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wakizashi
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
All of it.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. :sweatdrop:
Chuck Norris, George W. Bush, and Kim Sung Il walk into the same bar at the same time.
Do I really have to tell you how this ends?
Chuck Norris kills people by looking at them. Chuck Norris is also resurected everytime he gets killed- no matter what. Chuck Norris once accidentally looked into a mirror for one second and killed himself a thousand times.
Chuck Norris can also chew with his butt.
Let me guess. Does it involve a roundhouse to the face?:inquisitive:Quote:
Originally Posted by Divinus Arma
Nah, he strings their heads together and uses them as nunchucks on Osama bin Laden who just happens to wander in.Quote:
Originally Posted by InsaneApache
(Now, now - Beirut)
Nunchucks eh? Wouldn't Condaleeza Rice be more appropriate? :laugh4:
Oh dear, that's desperate mate! :laugh4:Quote:
Originally Posted by InsaneApache
In Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck's character is a marshal arts expert.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
So can I. The answer's zero.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pannonian
Chuck Norris kicked Britain and that's why we have the Tames Estuary.
Sorry about my poor attempt at a Chuck Norris joke btw.
No, it isn't. Anything divided by zero is impossible, it comes either as an imaginary number or infinity depending on one's teaching.Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver Rusher
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade
Anyone know any nun-Chuck jokes?
(Now,now. Pt:II - Beirut)
Chuck Norris was a nun? :inquisitive: :laugh4:Quote:
Originally Posted by Gregoshi
Chuck Norris stopped an asteroid from hitting the Earth by ordering it to change course. However, he was PO'd at not being given the credit for this, and so wiped out the ungrateful dinosaurs.
Now that reminds me of Yossers Story, when he's lost everything and goes to see the priest.Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Peasant
"I'm desperate father!"
"Call me Dan".
"I'm desperate Dan"
*sound of head banging on the wall*
Stop it please! I'm going insane (Apache-Stylee)! You're killing me! :laugh4:Quote:
Originally Posted by InsaneApache
Christ, I wish there was even a slim chance of finding a pub in Oxford to screen the Leeds/Warrington RL play-off game tonight. The place is packed with Rah-Rahs and jolly-hockeysticks types. I bet Chuck wouldn't have this problem.
If you close it, you better use a roundhouse kick to hit that delete key...Quote:
Originally Posted by Big King Sanctaphrax
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.
"Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer"
- saw it as a comment on the YouTube thingy. Awesome.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAc1G3u-hxs
Chuck Norris facts.
Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.
Best one yet :2thumbsup:Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil_Maniac From Mars
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris' imaginary friend can kick your ass.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
The gaping hole in the Periodic Table of Elements once contained all of the elements used to create Chuck Norris. The government omitted these elements in future publications of the Table out of fear that rival nations could make their own Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris falls into the water, he does not become wet. The water becomes Chuck Norris.
Nobody questions Chuck Norris. Not even the o rly owl
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.
The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris surrounded the Romans at Cannae. On his own.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
The question of what happens when an unstoppable force meets and unmovable object was answered when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the face.
Chuck Norris has no chin, under his beard is only another fist.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
Since 1940, the year of Chuck Norris's birth, roundhouse related deaths have gone up a whopping 3000%.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, as hunting imples the possibility of failure. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING!
When Chuck Norris stares in the sky, clouds sweat out of fear. We call this rain.
Ever seen the Hulk cry? Chuck Norris has.
The Punisher used to hang out with Chuck Norris, back in the day, until Norris realised what a pussy the Punisher was. It was shortly after this that the Punisher started murdering criminals, but Chuck Norris still won't answer his phone calls.
Chuck Norris once stubbed his toe in California. The result was the formation of the San Andreas fault.
Sticks and stones may break your bones but Chuck Norris words will kill you.
Chuck Norris supports abortion. It is still unknown whether it is his attraction to killing babies or his desire to control his child support payments that fuels his support.
Brokeback Mountain is where Chuck Norris actually breaks peoples backs.
Chuck Norris has a button that can destroy the world. But he knows he can do a better job than any button.
Superman wears his underwear on the outside to cover the stain from when Chuck Norris kicked the shyte out of him.
Chuck Norris has never arrived at a red stop light. They are always green when he arrives.
Chuck Norris had only one son. He is the Green Power Ranger.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris has only ever given one thumbs down. It happened in ancient Rome during a Gladiator match. Caesar refused to make decisions without first consulting Chuck Norris. He gave the thumbs down because this particular Gladiator is the only person ever to survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the jugular. Unfortunately, Caesar didn't see his sign because of all the Romans standing and cheering and in a moment of panic, Caesar decided to allow the Gladiator to live. Rome fell the next day.
When you walk outside and aren't eaten by dinosaurs, you can thank Chuck Norris for killing them.
Chuck Norris is niether male nor female, his gender is in fact, Chuck Norris.
God wanted to create the world in 9 days, Chuck Norris gave him 7.
Chuck Norris eats lunch for breakfast.
Michael Jackson's face is a result of a Chuck Norris ass kicking.
Chuck Norris spelled backwards is "I'm going to roundhouse kick you in your throat".
Jesus turned water into wine. Chuck Norris turned wine into a bad temper and an aggravated assault.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
That's enough for know... :laugh4:
Click at your own risk.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
(Apparently I clicked at your risk - Beirut)
Chuck Norris reproduces by molting into a new Norris every 60 days, simply shedding his old life and skin away.
If Chuck Norris fought the Alien, he would bleed acid on the alien. That is to say if Chuck Norris could bleed. Which he can't.
"Chuck this is embarrassing, all we need is one roundhouse kick, this is the 13,285th edit and you still can't get it right"
~ Bruce Lee on Chuck Norris
Shortly after that Bruce Lee died from Cerebral Endema, likely from a roundhouse kick to the face.Quote:
Originally Posted by Orb
Chuck Norris ain't got time to bleed.
Archaeologists recently found an older edition of the New Testament, in which Jesus said, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's. The rest is protection money to be paid to Chuck Norris". Chuck Norris refused the confirm the authenticity of this document, and the interviewer who asked him was roundhouse kicked in the face.
It was the end of World War II. Adolf Hitler hunkered down in his secret underground bunker, listening to the bombs dropping throughout Berlin above. He turned to his sweetheart Eva Braun, and said "Mine dearest. It is time to end this before we are taken captive by the disgusting enemy". Eva was shaking in fear and crying at the realization that they were about to die in suicide. Adolf closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He walked to the door and opened it to retrieve his method of suicide. There stood Chuck Norris.
Rather than recieve the fatal roundhouse kick to the face, Eva Braun quickly took a lethal dose of cyanide.
It is said that at the Battle of Jericho, the Israeli's had to march around it's walls for six days and seven nights. After the Seventh Night God Grew Tired at the Israeli's ineptibility and instead sent in Chuck Norris who with one roundhouse kick knocked down the entire city's walls. After realizing that God had tricked him into kicking down the walls of Jericho, Chuck Norris moved foreward in time, and knocked up Mary before god could have his way with her, thus producing Jesus.
Chuck Norris doesn't ask God for guidance, God asks Chuck Norris for permission.
Scientists have found a way to travel throught time, unfortunatly they can find no volunteers since it involves getting a roundhouse kick in the face by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris thaught Yoda.
Radioactivity is caused by Chuck Norris: he doesn't just digest food, he breaks down the atoms.
The first nuclear explosion happened right after Chuck Norris asked a scientist from the Manhattan project to pull his finger.
Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris does know pain, but only from observing his victims.
It took God 7 days to create the universe, it would only take Chuck Norris 7 seconds to destroy it.
Who controls the British Crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
Chuck Norris.
"Celebration of the Lizard" is actually a poem about the Doors' meeting with Chuck Norris in the desert, where he demonstrated his ability to stop the world in its tracks. It's not the only Doors song/morrison poem to be focused on Chuck; "LA Woman" is loosely based on an actual incident in which Chuck Norris made love to the city of Los Angeles, thus the feminine personification.
On the Seventh Day, God rested. On the eighth day, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God in the face.
Chuck Norris would fatally roundhouse everybody who posted in this thread, but this kind of comment flatters him for some reason. However, Orb might have to go into hiding. (not that this would help, hiding is no use when faced with Chuck Norris)
God worked on creating the world, but did such a shoddy job that on the 6th evening Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Him in the face. God was out until the 8th day, and subsequent amnesia meant He did not resume His work. The Bible covers this up by saying that God created the world in 6 days and on the 7th He rested.Quote:
Originally Posted by Divinus Arma
I still honestly believe that Bruce Lee could kick Chuck Norris's ass.
:hide:
Heretic too the gallows.:laugh4:Quote:
Originally Posted by Zorba
To the gallows? Chuck Norris needs no man-made implement. A roundhouse kick is sufficient. Unless he wants to be humane. Then he just glares.
Do you know how Chuck Norris got his powers?
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Chuck Norris, purveyor of fanbois, but not many good roundhouse kicks.
If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the
same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The
Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse
kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was
10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.