Message from Jesus

Got this is my Inbox yesterday:

From: Jesus
To: Adrian II
Re: R.e: Our. me.etin.g

Hi there lovely,
This kind of opportunity comes ones in a life. I don't want
b
to miss it. Do byou? I am coming tbo your place in few days
and I though maay be we ccan meet each othear. If you don't mind
I canba send you my picture. I am a girl.
You can correspond with me usingb my email

A once in a lifetime event indeed. Could some of you please share their experience with Jesus. What shall I do? What to wear for the occasion?

I say sandals but you probably wear them all the time so that is hardly original.

With a title like that, this thread is going to get a lot of hits :laugh4:

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Originally Posted by Fragony

I say sandals but you probably wear them all the time so that is hardly original.

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You did it again. ~D

Morning coffee ---> computer screen

Serving mankind is my only wish, somehow apropiate.

@ Adrian II

Does your wife know your mailing girls in order to meet them? :inquisitive: Even if they are the Son of God. :laugh4:

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Originally Posted by InsaneApache

@ Adrian II

Does your wife know your mailing girls in order to meet them? :inquisitive:

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How do you think she and I met? We share an interest in the symbolic representation of gender issues in 18th century Swahili epic poetry, and there was this forum about it..

Anyway, about my Jesus gig. I was thinking I could turn that meeting into a sort of class-action interview. I mean, we all have standing and I will be happy to pass on any questions or complaints to her.

As for the wine, I was thinking Chardonnay. Or am I erring on the safe side here?

Safer then cutting her up and see if her blood turns into wine, these practises are generally frowned upon these days. But if you feel dangerous, and why shouldn't you, bear her cross and spread the massage of of the lord.

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I canba send you my picture. I am a girl.

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Get the pic. Then decide.

It's not unusual, in spanish-speaking cultures, to name kids "Jesus, Mary and Joseph", both boys and girls. So, I'd brush up on my Spanish, if I were you. And, if it's THE Jesus, just bring along some bottled water... she'll be able to change it into the appropriate wine for you.

Q1: Ask about the whole Resurrection/Ascension thing.

Q2: Discretely inquire about the Magdeline thing.

Those 2 should keep us going for several more centuries.

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Originally Posted by KukriKhan

Q2: Discretely inquire about the Magdeline thing.

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I'd be inclined to find out more about that three-in-one thing. Spooky.

Unless it's like, twins. :2thumbsup:

If you're going to give Her something to eat make sure it's kosher, She's Jewish after all.

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Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost

I'd be inclined to find out more about that three-in-one thing. Spooky.

Unless it's like, twins. :2thumbsup:

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Good point.

Q4: Succession. More wars fought by more people over who comes next, after the great leader dies/transforms/whatever (leaves us)... what was/is the actual intent? (Simon) Peter? Someone else? No one?

I think the age-gap is to big...but if that works for you, go for it.

Oh yeah,

ask her whether She thinks Turkey should join the EU.

What does 'think' have to do with that

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Originally Posted by KukriKhan

Get the pic. Then decide.

It's not unusual, in spanish-speaking cultures, to name kids "Jesus, Mary and Joseph", both boys and girls. So, I'd brush up on my Spanish, if I were you. And, if it's THE Jesus, just bring along some bottled water... she'll be able to change it into the appropriate wine for you.

Q1: Ask about the whole Resurrection/Ascension thing.

Q2: Discretely inquire about the Magdeline thing.

Those 2 should keep us going for several more centuries.

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I'd be interested to ask if Jesus and his apostles considered himself God rather than a prophet, or if the idea that he was God himself comes from "vulgata". I'd also ask him about his view on Christians that are for death penalty, seeing as he himself became a victim of it. Third thing I'd ask is who he considers the greatest heretic: the Catholic Church, Martin Luther, Bishop Arius or Averroes (Ibn Rushdah). Naturally I'd also ask whether belief in God or righteous thoughts and actions counts most for getting a place in paradise.

I'd ask wether the whole water into wine thing is litteral or figurative, whether Constantine really was a Christian and whether we should all be pacifists.

If I live the sword is it okay to die by the sword?

Papal Primacy would be another good one to clear up.

Are we, as Christians, bound by the Old Testemant?

Is Homosexuality okay?

Are woman priests okay?

If she could answer all those questions I think that would cover everything. Alsom could you get it on tape so we can show it to all the church leaders.

All those questions, tsk. You don't engage in debating theological minutiae with somebody who's just spend two millenia listening to harp-playing cherubs. You should treat her like a lady Adrian! So first thing you do is nail her to make sure she has a proper second coming.

Then when you've made her feel right at home this way we'll have plenty of time to discuss the theological implications of it all.

This thread is clearly way off course at this point, my friends. I believe the topic at hand is the proposed booty call, and whether or not Adrian should be accepting aforementioned proposal. Clearly a picture needs to be obtained and posted for collective review. As a side note, I've also been receiving a number of these proposals myself, along with some amazing investing tips, and a few nice african gentlemen who are willing to spend millions with me. Isn't the internet an amazing place?!?

Face time with the Princess of Peace doesn't happen everyday. I suggest the KISS plan. Hair shirt & sandals (gives you an excuse to slip into something more comfortable later on if the evening progresses nicely). A simple meal of crusty bread, cheese, olives, fresh fruit, and a nice crisp chardonnay. Forget all the deep philosophical, religious, current events type inquiry. Ask practical, useful stuff, like next week's PowerBall Lottery numbers, the blonde at the office or the brunette across the street, does this hair shirt make me look viril, chip to the fairway or 3 iron through the trees... make christianity work for you.

Guys, guys, please.. instead of that, I would rather have questions like 'what's ur favor8 band?' and such.

This is one foxy lady who is dying to meet me after two thousand years of celibacy. I am sure she can't wait for my resurrection to transcend her crucifix, so I think we'll just have some light conversation over light refreshments to set the stage.

No need to bring up papal primacy or transsubstantion, that's just gross.

Remeber she likes ointments and foot massages!

The mail says that this opportinity only comes once in your life, reminds me a bit of Joe Black, if you know what I mean...
Farewell Adrian, we will miss you.:sweatdrop:

And whatever you do, do NOT bring up or attempt to show off your impressive collection of nailguns.

:balloon2:

Please, do ask her if she has truly been baptised in the Jordan river. :yes:
Oh, and ask her what does she think about the Papacy and the Bible.

Well dear Adrian II.Im happy that you are finally about to get together with Jesus. I would join into Lui´s advice and you should treat her like a lady. After that log into to the Totalwar.org and we can start asking Jesus some questions and also maybe from you, about was she able to convert you to Christianity, you old pagan you.:holiday:

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Originally Posted by Adrian II

What shall I do?

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REPENT!!!
or else ... :devil:

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Originally Posted by Blodrast

REPENT!!!
or else ... :devil:

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Conversion? Repentance? Will y'all please unplug it, guys? This is 2007, get with it. I think I'll take her to see The Da Vinci Code so we can have a good laugh about everything before we unwind in that deluxe hotel suite on the 16th floor overlooking Rotterdam Harbour on all sides.

Tell her she has nice eyes, tell her how beautiful she is.

Then tell us what colour they are because I've always wondered.

Whatever church that is, they shouldn't go down that road. Impersonating Jesus? That is a new low.
Never find anything like that over here.

What is her mail?

Ask her: why noone noticed you were a girl when they crucified you naked to a cross?

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Originally Posted by IrishArmenian

Whatever church that is, they shouldn't go down that road. Impersonating Jesus? That is a new low.
Never find anything like that over here.

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What do you mean, 'impersonating'? :stunned:

I find it troublesome that Jesus for all of the years since he was born has yet to have learned to spell English words correctly

Just hope she's not a bearded lady.

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Originally Posted by Xdeathfire

I find it troublesome that Jesus for all of the years since he was born has yet to have learned to spell English words correctly

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Probably using the Babal Fish to translate Arumaic.

Wash her feet, she'll dig it. Just don't ask her if he's had her nails done lately. You might get leprocy or something.

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Originally Posted by Adrian II

Conversion? Repentance? Will y'all please unplug it, guys? This is 2007, get with it. I think I'll take her to see The Da Vinci Code so we can have a good laugh about everything before we unwind in that deluxe hotel suite on the 16th floor overlooking Rotterdam Harbour on all sides.

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Eh... I was kidding, Adrian. In a thread originating from a joke, with no serious responses, you think I would be the one getting all serious and religious on your :daisy: ? Heh, c'mon. I have a hard time keeping from joking in the serious threads...

Adrian II.I also remember suggesting you to have intercourse with Jesus and you just accuse of me from being old fashioned. Im sure that enlightening experience like that could show you the light so does speak.:laugh4:

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Originally Posted by sapi

With a title like that, this thread is going to get a lot of hits :laugh4:

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I dont think so

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Originally Posted by Blodrast

Eh... I was kidding, Adrian.

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Yes, so was I. I did not seriously believe you called for my repentance, rest assured.

I am not seriously calling for a list of questions to pass on to Jesus when I meet her either. I am going to keep her all for myself. And Chardonnay it is, come what may. So there.

clearly the aim should be to get your salad tossed by female jesus.....
am i the only one who is thinking in here.....?geeezzz...

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geeezzz...

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priceless.

Recommended response:

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Hell.o Jesus:

I am thril.led. All my lif.e I knew wew oud meet. I wil l be at (cafe name and address) each day at noo.n wearing a silly bl ack beret. How wil lI know you?

sign.ed

Anxious poet

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C'mon guys, let's help our A-deuce out (and hope jesus isn't a toothless 75 year old, or winsome 10-year old, or 45 year old biker dude, or 25 year old cop).

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25 year old cop

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:stop:

"Hello, are you Adrian?"
"Yes."
"Your coming down to the office with me."

Hmmmm..... the possibilities.

Well, if you are unlucky she is a lesbian and she doesn't want to have intercourse with you.

If you are very lucky, she is bi-sexual. In that case, you should ask her to bring the hot Maria Magdalena with her and you can have them both.

Ask the hotelmanager for a King-size bed my friend.

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Originally Posted by KukriKhan

It's not unusual, in spanish-speaking cultures, to name kids "Jesus, Mary and Joseph", both boys and girls.

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What spanish-speaking cultures are you thinking about? Unless you're talking about a combination of names, like Maria Jesus...:inquisitive:

Don't forget to carry the Holy Ghost with you Adrian...

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Originally Posted by Soulforged

What spanish-speaking cultures are you thinking about?

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Todos de las culturas latinas Soulforged! Come on, you must have old relatives in your family too. They're all called 'Mary' (María, Marie), men and women. I'll bet you all those old aunts of yours have the name Maria stuck in there somewhere. Quite a few men too.

Here's a graph. It has been steadily declining, but prior to WWII, one in eight Frenchmen or women were named a variant of 'Mary'. This number even skyrocketed upwards in 1919 and 1945.

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Originally Posted by Soulforged

Don't forget to carry the Holy Ghost with you Adrian...

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Quite the opposite, I shall expect the Holy Ghost to carry me as I lie all night betwixt her breasts.

Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my harbour city
that its poison clouds may spread abroad.

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Originally Posted by Louis VI the Fat

Todos de las culturas latinas Soulforged! Come on, you must have old relatives in your family too. They're all called 'Mary' (María, Marie), men and women. I'll bet you all those old aunts of yours have the name Maria stuck in there somewhere. Quite a few men too.

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I'm not saying that Louis, I'm saying that a man can't be called simply Maria in spanish, it could be however Jose Maria. A woman can't be called simply Jesus or Jose, but it could be a combination, Maria Jesus, or a variation, Josefa. All of them are considered in my country to be names subjects to jokes, and of course some idiots still call a man named Jose Maria only by his second name, wich is sexually ambiguous :laugh4:. In fact I don't have any relatives with the names Maria or Jose, strange now that you mention it, because, indeed, they're common...:inquisitive:.

By the way that will be the equivalent of calling you Luisa or calling Adrian, Adriana.

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Originally Posted by Adrian

Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my harbour city
that its poison clouds may spread abroad.

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Just LOL Adrian.

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Originally Posted by Lorenzo_H

Ask her: why noone noticed you were a girl when they crucified you naked to a cross?

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lol :2thumbsup:

Remember to only serve her holy water!

Take her to Del Rancho, then rent a sleazy motel. Maybe she'll do the Monroe Transfer with you.

Make sure it is a room with a bible!