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Excellent !
Some corrections and additions.Quote:
Originally Posted by CyanCentaur
:bow:
Slightly spot on..
The game is what you make of it, though..
*wasting hours reading unit descriptions*
LMAO ! Sombody has to do NAVIES !
Actually, apart from the fact that this is good humor, it's a very good attempt to highlight the shortcomings of the game.
I love the game as you all know, of course.
I'm honestly bewildered by all the complaints about the diplomacy system.
I'm 80 or so turns into my Hungarian campaign. I've had alliances with both the Papal States and Poland that have lasted more than 70 turns. My current relations with the Pope are outstanding and are very good with Poland. I've never been attacked by either of them and have only just now been warned by the Pope about being my naughty by attacking the Milanese, fellow Christians who are also on Crusade against the excommunicated French.
I've asked for three crusades and was readily granted two of them.
My reputation is untrustworthy because I betrayed an alliance with the Milanese very early in the game when they were excommunicated, and I still have no complaints.
I've also gifted the Pope and the Poles 100 florins apiece on every turn I could afford it. Small price to pay for the right to clobber everybody else.
HUMOR Doug, HUMOR!
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
A few more just for fun :)
- Don't bother building navies. You might *think* you utterly control the Meditteranian, but you're only one pirate stack away from total obliteration. See : Autocalc.
- The morale and fatigue system are actually clever misnommers. In that they don't affect either morale OR fatigue. They're just here for you to waste time checking them while the Dread and Chivalry system go to town and carouse.
- The Dread and Chivalry system is drunk from all that carousing. That lone figure atop the crest who'll charge with the sunset in his back, and slam right in the front of a million spearmen, sending them on their way and saving the day for his men ? Oh he's Cruel & Cunning. You have no idea.
- You might have heard the press release and game reviews talk about the exciting possibility of discovering the New World. That is actually a mistranslation from the Esperanto.
What you'll end up discovering is the result of a drunk coder's bored free time : misshapen blobs of land with no relation whatsoever to any known fictionnal or real land mass, occupied by ever regenerating full stacks of naked units who'll somehow trounce your best units (see : Units).
Oh and it has only one battlemap, aptly named MoreBloodyTrees
- Religion doesn't make any sense. In that, Medieval 2 is probably the most involved social commentary in the world. You thought converting people to your way of thinking might make them agree with you ? You nimrod ! Hellooooo Religious Unrest. Then your priests turn heretic just so the game has an excuse to spawn Inquisitors.
- said Inquisitors will then proceed to kill every single male in your whole Empire, in keeping with Biblical teachings. Only apparently Jesus was too much of a stoner wuss, so they picked King Herod as their guide.
Pike Unit - A very large hedgehog that slaughters horses on sight, but only if its not moving. Against anything else it needs a solid defender, such as archers or pesants or small rabid children to keep it safe.
The Papacy - An odd old man in a large pointy hat who keeps telling you to be nice, even if you are being nice. Unless you are trying to play with diplomacy (see above), you are best off by ignoring anything he says so you can con him into giving you free experience for your troops by calling a crusade on you. If you want free experience, do not pay the pope. If you do, he is less likely to call a crusade against you. Instead you must drink large quantities of ale and then proceed to relieve yourself upon his breakfast.
Alliance - This is a request for the AI to send random ships to blockade your ports. This will be done as soon as the AI removes any military forces from your region. So long as the AI has large, powerful armies on your borders you are safe. As soon as the AI has to deal with another faction and really needs troops to fight on another front it will attack you.,
Accents: For once, the French don't have the worst accents in the game!
Peasants: When you absolutely, positive, have to kill EVERY town militia in the city! Accept no substitutes!
Advice: You have pressed theYour cavalry are about to be attCharging spears with yourYou have pressedOur men are under atOnly half the enemy force remIt is unwise to praise the day bef....
Rocket Powered Elephants: Giving the EB/MA hardcore types conniption fits since 2004!
excellent - admin please sticky!
Monguls - One day one of the developers was dumped by his girlfriend, so whilst the rest of the department was having lunch he put them in. They are created in the image of his then ex girlfriend. Evil, amoral, unstopable but fun to play against ....
New translation for papalcy
Old white guy who can change his name to an Italian one when elected. This fat fool sits in Rome and pops out once in a while to massacre rebel scums and then pops back to Rome for a can of Coke.
Because he has only one land at the start, he is grumpy and gets jealous at your bulging empire and his only way to get at you is excommunication. But once you give him one land, he goes berserk and starts hitting every faction he thinks he can take and sometimes he dies in the process.
Mongol/Timurid
Really ugly faced men which pop out of the black eastern side of the map and wander around for decades until they decide to hit a town and then get spooked and flee the next turn because some pee wee militia has a spear which can poke their horses.
Aztec
Men in animal pajamas armed with wood that can somehow pierce plate armor. They decide to go Muslim when they upgrade to a large city but don't seem to recognize Allah.
Multiplayer: Redefining and pushing the boundaries of lag! It's like a multiplayer slide-show that everyone can enjoy! The key to winning is 'leading', a technique mastered in the early days of first person shooters. Just remember to 'lead' your units by about 5 minutes so they will be where you want them to be on time.
:balloon2:
Gah ! How could I forget that one :Quote:
Originally Posted by Whacker
- Advisor :
"Selecting a unit : to select one of your units, let your right hand rest gently on the little device with the ball inside that is connected to your computer. This is known as the "mouse". Now using your right index finger, sharply increase pressure on the plastic rectangle that should lie on top of said mouse, to the left. Do it once, then let go. The pressure pad is called a "button", and applying pressure on it then releasing the pressure is known as "clicking".
"Selecting an agent : to select one of your agents, let your right hand..."
Now a Faction Guide!!:book:
Please don't take offense if it might sound racist to you. I mean this as a joke.
Catholics
England: England is a country based on the popular country Britain. Their units consist of Robin Hood's personal entourage and gruff fat men that have trouble fitting into their armor.
France: A cheese and escargot loving nation south of England. They love the word "imbecille'"and have a knack for betrayals. Their units consist of skinny men with the twirly thin mustaches and striped tight shirts .
Spain: Spain is a country in Spain with a love for bull fights and provoking said animal to chase them down the streets. They like to ignore their neighbors and go make war with you even if you are halfway across the map.
HRE: Germans that use words like "Yagh?", "For ze Reich" and whatever mangled english they can mangle somemore. They get beaten up by everyone because everyone hates the Nazis. They have Panzerkampfwagen which pwn all:laugh4:
Portugal: A Spain colored in white n blue instead of yellow-red. They prefer to do fishing instead of fighting bulls. Ditto on units.
Poland: The country that created pole-dancing. They love to beat up HRE because they hate Nazis. They use their nobles to hurl javelins at Panzers - to great success.
Scotland: The birthplace of Ronald McDonald and any food with Mc in it. They love talking about fighting but rarely do it because they wear kilts and are made fun by other factions. They also love pikes but only because it prevents enemies from going near them and lifting up the kilts.(Also a reason why they don't like riding horses)
Milan: Possibly the birthplace of pizza. Milanese like to use crossbow because they suck with archery,sword fighting,and horse riding. So they spam the same unit over and over again. They hate France because the french like blue cheese while the Milanese prefers Mozzarella.
Venice: The faction with the "City that Never Sinks" Despite being featured in documentaries,movies, whatever... There are no canals whatsoever in Venice and also no Italian rower on a boat that sings cheesy love songs to a kissing couple under the moonlight. They hate Milan because they stole the idea for the pizza.
Sicily: A pointless faction taking up useless space south of Italy. Their capital has a name that sounds like nipples. They seldom do anything except blockade a port once in a while. Their units are uninspiring...
Hungary: A faction that craves for food 24/7. They are also hungry for land and most of the time, they eat up the Byz and Poles. Their units are..really, really fat men.
Tune in next time for Orthodox and Islamic factions.
Mc is Irish. Mac is Scottish.Quote:
Originally Posted by supadodo
*gets hyphy, gets stupid*
Warning warning for newbies. If you read these post you might think that they don't love this game. That is not the fact. M2 is the most historical accurate war game. The only thing is that all these posters have had bad history teachers at school. The whole idea of knights in shining armor riding on white horses is invented history. The true knights were trebuchets roaming the countryside armed with Mark V fire and forget general seeking missiles. So girls if you want some real romance look for a guy with a trebuchet. :2thumbsup:
Trebuchet: large medieval hand-to-hand weapon often employed in suicidal and / or amphibious charges. Apparently intended for use as an early medieval bulldozer. Effectiveness limited by ability of enemy to sidestep out of the way.
AI-controlled Reinforcements: experts in the little-known but widely used medieval battle tactics of 1) sitting around on a nearby hilltop watching your allies fight off the mongol horde, deaf to their screamed requests for assistance; 2) charging head-on into the mongol horde at the least opportune time, mass-routing and being cut down in immense numbers by the gleeful enemy while their ally looks on from a nearby hilltop, deaf to their screamed requests for assistance
Factions Guide!!:book:
Orthodox
Byzantine Empire: When Rome was split in 2, The Eastern Roman Empire took on the false name they themselves and nobody else ever called them save the historians who dug them up. The Byzantines hate everybody because they are the only Romans left and don't have their own Pope. Their soldiers are purple....
Russia: Stalin went to the future and took Gorbachev(forget how to spell it) and then went back to the middle ages to build a old Russian Empire which is not red but blue. Russia can't hate anybody because democracy and communism wasn't invented yet. Russian units are cold because it never stops snowing there..
Islamic
Turks: Named after a certain plump bird, this faction is situated in Asia Minor because Asia Major kicked them out. They hate the Byzantines because the Byzantines eat turkey which is a sacred animal to the Turks. Turkish units unfortunately do not dress as giant turkeys but their janissaries wear socks on their heads.
Egypt: When a mummy converted to Islam, a new Egypt was born. All the pyramids were demolished to make way for sand dunes. Egypt hates all the christians because the christians stole their naptha and used it against them in Jerusalem in "The Kingdom of Heaven". Egypt does not have chariots:thumbsdown:
Moors: Moors are orange. They love camels. They sit on camels. They shoot guns while sitting on camels. Camels stink.
L M A OQuote:
Originally Posted by supadodo
Nominated for best post in the entire thread, possibly of the week!
Not to forget that their whole army is in drag, which very logically leads them to fight like little girls with pigtails. On the back of camels.
Quote/ AI-controlled Reinforcements: experts in the little-known but widely used medieval battle tactics of 1) sitting around on a nearby hilltop watching your allies fight off the mongol horde, deaf to their screamed requests for assistance ; 2) charging head-on into the mongol horde at the least opportune time, mass-routing and being cut down in immense numbers by the gleeful enemy while their ally looks on from a nearby hilltop, deaf to their screamed requests for assistance. /quote
3) When reinforcing army has some artillery the AI decides: a) do nothing but rearrange the battle line so it will be in perfect order; b) charge with guns into the Mongols preferably uphill (the higher/steeper the better)
- Loading Quotes : "People in glass houses don't take any wooden nickels !" - Nick McIavelli. "In order to win, fight !" - Sun Bu
In the spirit of supadodo's "Faction Guide", I offer the European ideals of heaven and hell:
European Heaven
The English are the police.
The Germans are the mechanics.
The French are the chefs.
The Italians are the lovers.
The Swiss run everything.
European Hell
The English are the chefs.
The Germans are the police.
The French are the mechanics.
The Swiss are the lovers.
The Italians run everything.
Rebels exist only to re-colour your hair to look like their coat-of-arms. Grey. The funniest thing is that these brigands always have top-end units like armored swordsmen who, sadly, give only little challenge to your all-peasant armies. They can often be spotted sitting on watchtowers by spotting a watchtower that has stopped spotting. They tend to ask you to come fight them since they rarely move anywhere.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gorm
:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: That was brilliant.
..... L OOOOO OOOOOOO L !!!!
AI - The MTW2 AI was actually programmed in 1496 my one Niccolo Machiavelli on a particularly bad day. While initially brilliant, it was designed for use on the 'Cathedral' OS, which is not compatable with most modern systems. The rest was a total re-write of the code using only Machiavelli's basic idea that all leaders should be total bastards about everything. This includes the notion that EVERY faction will fight until the death, even if, while besieging their last city with its valient defenders (IE: Two units of spear militia) said AI leaders will refuse to accept terms such as returning all their previously held land, giving them a bajillion florins, and trade rights.
The AI also reflects the fine tradition of 'never saving money, ever, no matter what.' whereby if the sum-total of its funds exceedes 1,000 florins it will take every possible measure to reduce it to a more acceptable level via funding redistrubution.
Cities: ALL structures within medieval cities were constructed within the city walls. Nobody ever built anything outside of said walls, because they were mortally afraid of bears. Any history books telling you that something like %75 of the population was rural until some time after this games timeframe is a dastardly lie by revisionist history nutcases who would also have you believe that people never mounted cannons on elephants and that most rebels didnt have access to highly trained and well equipped knights.
Woodsmen: 'Woods' is actually a corruption of an ancient Norse term for 'Super', these are the ultimate unit. Build nothing but woodsmen because they will chew up anything that can be sent against them until the invention of the horse.
Timurids: Invented the Upgraded Elephant, which is capable of mounting and firing the aformentioned cannons without instantly snapping its spine. Possibly related to the Mongols, only more Muslim. Fond of black.
Arrows: Medieval arrows were not tipped with metal. In fact, they had soft rubber heads in order to prevent any serious injury on the battlefield. Sometimes as a joke archers would set light to their ordinance, often with tragic results. During the period this game is set in it was traditional to go into battle coated in highly flammable oil, and so any man who did not quickly beat out the fires would be tragically burned to death in a matter of seconds.
The Pope: He hates you. Get over it.
Inquisitors: Often unexpected. Inquisitors were recruited from the local prison, usually arsonists and pyrophiles. They were fond of bursting into the rooms of faction leaders, princes and generals and setting them on fire. Only rarely would they actually pursue heretics and witches when given the choice between a king and their supposed 'job'.
Muslims: Fond of shouting 'DURKA DURKA DURKA,' and similar phrases. They have funny accents and are hated by all the other factions. One particular faction, Egypt, was historically fond of sending ships across the Medditerranian to blockade English ports for a single turn before sailing aimlessly around the North Sea until being sunk by pirates.
Neptune: God of the Sea. Likes pirates. If any faction attacks or is attacked by pirates a massive sea beast known as the 'Kraken' is instantly teleported to the battle from the Pirates of the Carribbean movie to assist the pirates in defeating your ships. This is why pirates rock.
Pirates: Musket-and-cutlass wielding men who talk funny and have parrots. The ancient foes of ninjas, the two would often engage in massive battles. Pirates occasionaly allied with cowboys to defeat their mutual foe. However, the tide of the battle turned with the development of the giant robot by Japanese scientists.
The only reason giant robots are not included in this game is that they are in Japan, which is an island which never had any contact with anybody until the 1850's.
Knights: Despite what you might have heard about the protective properties of plate iron, knights are quite vulerable to men armed with farm impliments and no training at all. In fact, quite often, knights would suffer as high as %80 casualties when attacking farmer levies from the back.
Sex: This didnt happen in medieval times. The only way to get new family members was to adopt. Nobles caught having sex were burned at the stake.
Age: In no way affects performance on the battlefield. Should one of your generals reach the age of 80 or so, he will be just as effective as a 20 year old in a fight. Once in battle his arthritis and drinking problems will instantly vanish in a blaze of glory as he smashes his way through everything (except peasants and cannoniphants)
Artillery: Was pretty much useless against anything that could move, and most things that couldnt. The term 'aim' was not, in fact, invented until the late 1700's. You can only hope that a strong breeze will come up and blow your ordinance into line with whatever target you have.
Orders: Are there to be disobeyed. When issueing movement orders to your troops you can be confident that they will either A) Move in the opposite direction, B) Split up, with one half moving in one direction and the other standing still or marching sideways, or C) Wait a minute or so, and then move.
Charge: Traditionally in medieval combat, only the first ten attackers would engage the enemy defensive lines. Typically the others would hang around to the back and gradually be slaughtered by rubber-tipped arrows.
Medieval Firearms: Were effective at up to 2,000 yards, and almost all medieval gunners were trained snipers, capable of hitting a small vegetable of your choice ona fence post at up to a mile away. Despite what you may have heard medieval troops were not at all suprised or afraid of gunpowder.
Aztecs: The only civilization in America. In fact, America didnt even exist outside of Mexico until 1776, and then only the East Coast. Armed with magical armour piercing rocks.
Russians: Backwards people who were poor and underdeveloped. Any rumours you might have heard that Kiev and Novogorod were significantly more advanced than just about any European city and quite wealthy are lies. Will usually be wiped out in a few turns by the Mongols once they arrive, so dont bother making alliances with them or anything.
Sheogorath, that was nothing short of brilliant.
Now I have to wipe tea of my screen and keyboard.
:laugh4: :laugh4:
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oh great now i've been called in the little video confrence room to explain my prolongued outbursts of uncontrollable laughter, convincing my manager i am not getting high on the job is getting harder by the hour...
got a couple for you:
"Chasing routers" Widely practiced medieval era dance, involves various highly choreographed maneovers by a 30-strong cavalry unit around (well all over the place, but in the general vicinity of) 3-4 guys with pointy sticks. Extensive training is required on the part of the cavalry unit to ensure the safety of the guys with pointed sticks involved.
"Merchant takeovers" Widely practiced medieval era game, somewhat similar to russian roulette in that its totally unpredictable, unless of course one participant is a 50 year old guy making more money than all the muslim nations on the board put toghether and the second participant is a one-eyed monkey in possession of 1/2 florin, a flimsy stick and a rotten banana peel. Flimsy sticks and rotten banana peels are the bane of trade tycoons the world over.
RTS: The label of RTS (Real Time Strategy) was infact a printing mistake by CA. As was the label of Game. M2tw is not a game, it is a cruel joke.
Cardinals: 2nd highest ranking Catholic Church officials. Promoted to this great honour after years of hanging around waiting for someone to die. Contrary to popular belief they are never to be found in Rome but instead congregate in large groups with other cardinals and priests of their nation and roam aimlessly about the countryside in foreign lands bending people's ear about God and denouncing dirty unshaven men with scary eyes. Always wear heavy, expensive ermine robes, even in the desert.
Formations: M2TW is programmed with a drastically superior AI designed to assist the player in battles. This AI is so advanced that it actually knows far more than you ever will, and as such will periodically redesignate a new formation(s) for your unit(s). Thought that 2 man deep line for your archers was best? Mwahah! Stupid human! The best formation for archers is obviously 5 men wide and about 25 deep. 3 deep for a good wide front cav charge? You cad. Try 4 wide and 15ish deep, which is clearly the best formation for chasingbutterflirouters in!
Pathfinding: Definitive proof that CA has a Zen master on the dev team. Foolish unenlightened mortals! You thought that the quickest path from your front gate to your town square was through that one 2nd gate right behind you!? Of course not! The quickest path (obviously) is all the way across the castle through that obscure road, through the farthest gate away, before taking a zigzag pattern path back to the town square. The shortest route to victory is through a scenic tour of your city! And you wonder why they removed the view city feature!
Imams: Muslim versions of priests. They like to call you infidel. When they lvl up to 5, Allah gives them a super telescope which allows them to spot cities halfway across the map and stick a mini "toggle_fow off" there. Then he sends an e-mail to all Muslim faction leaders to besiege the city but doesn't bother joining in himself.
Crusade: A laughable interpretation of racism at its finest. Occasionally, the Pope thinks sending your already busy forces to go all the way across the sea to fight a single different skinned militia in Jerusalem is the way to gain favor from God. To compensate for the long journey, he gives you a million cans of Red Bull so your troops can fly and installs jet engines on ships to make them go faster. Sometimes troops get bored and leave you in the hundreds to try to find girlfriends but those at sea just hop in the water and get eaten by sharks.
Jihad: A misinterpretation of a Holy War, Jihad is summoned by super-Imams(above). They are same as crusade but the general is a Muslim.
Great Post :juggle2:
Inquisitors: Criminal Heretic Ringleaders.
:inquisitive: Sly double agents acting from within the church, they pose as hunters of heresy when in fact they are criminal masterminds. Acting as a behind the scenes pupetmasters they provide heretics, witches, and wizards with inside information gleaned from their sources high in the church in return for their dubious loyalty.
:no:Their real goals however are the murder of generals and governors. They will wait in a forest hideaway for centuries and then will issue forth, heretics on thier heels to strike at citys and envoys of thier host nation.
:dizzy2:You see the truth is they are immortal vampire ninja pirates. They can live for centuries in dark places, they are insatiable in their pursuit of blood victims (preferably of the higher caste), are unkillable by assasins due to them being ninjas (and vampires), and are also pirates arhhhhhh!
Fixed that for ya :laugh4:Quote:
Originally Posted by supadodo
Sultans: People who wish you dead (Jallah!)
Another take on a few factions :
France : The French have been, since times immemorial, the butt of every joke in the world. When a general doesn't find anything comforting to say to his soon-to-be-dead men, knocking the girly French will always get a cheer. Charles the XIVXth's idea of decking his pikemen in FEARSOME little feathered berets somehow didn't help.
Milan : When Milan was 8, Venice broke his Tonka Truck. Then his funny uncle HRE molested him during a sauerkraut-induced euphoric binge. This turned Milan into a broken, drug using, angsty teenage faction prone to lashing out and attacking just about everyone in a 2000 miles radius with ubercrossbowmen. While everyone talks about the Milanese as wealthy bankers, Milan is always broke. See : drug use.
Denmark : obviously vikings with axes and horned helmets. Which is why they dislike sensible weapons like, say, spears. Or knights. In fact, the Norse words for spear and bow (Stykkilimishiii and Okapekiiisholmi) mean "that-not-axe-crap" and "the-crap-that-is-not-an-axe-either", respectively. The Danes say "AAAARH !" a lot. In the 15th century they realized that the viking schtik was tiring everyone and went through a painfull identity crisis that led them to devellop such brilliant weapons as the sword-staff (Norse Peÿkillimilli : "so-not-a-spear"), swordsmen and sword-chucks. Then they turned emo.
Hungary : should by all rights get the same fop/catamite jokes the French do, because they're pink. Don't because they formed an elite corps of ninjas trained from birth to slit the throat of every man who utters the words "so hey, get this : Hungarians are pi...AAAAAARGH".
HRE : vastly powerful empire that will always get ganged upon because they said "MEIN KAAAAISER !" one time too many.
Russia : poor dirt farmers with huge poor tracts of land. Little known agrarian fact : more land means less crops. Don't argue with me. Other known fact : the whole of Russia comprised a total of 6 cities, because of communism-driven centralism.
For some reason, russian road networks cost exactly the same amount of money as, say, Rhodes ones, despite the fact that said roads cover half the friggin' map. That because communism exploits man and turns him into a rank, non-money-driven slave. Also, are the only faction to have different units with different looks but the exact same stats. That's because communism turns man into a mindless, soulless mass-produced automaton. So, you know, Russians are bad, m'kay ? Also, they have knives between their teeth, for unknown (but menacingly nefarious) reasons.
England : vastly overpowered faction needing the made-up "poor diversity of cavalry" line to make believe they have a weakness. Needless to say, said cavalry is the best in the game. Have the best archers in the game. Have more foot swords than everyone else. Have the best and most secure starting position of all factions. But, you know, in a fair way.
lol man this thread is great
A friendly warning for you all (not that you need one at this point) - this thread stays open at my pleasure :beam:
Keep it nice and clean ~;)
Thanks all :)
Catamite: Because all medieval assassins hauled around young male prostitutes. Seriously. ALL your assassins will have these. This may lead to speculation about the programming staff of the game, but its best that you just dont think of that.
Cannon: An instrument for the rectification of borders into a more affable state to the nation with more of them.
Sword: A sharpened length of steel employed in the re-negotiation of property between the Bronze age and (roughly) WWII. For some reason it is not effective against men armed with axes or other heavy weapons.
Spear: A length of wood with a head composed of a mysterious substance which is capable of changing shape and consistency. While standing still, the spearhead is composed of a material which is sharper than obsidian and harder than diamonds (the hardest metal known to man). While moving, the spearhead is composed of something with the consitency of porridge, forcing the erstwhile spearmen to attempt to bludgeon his enemy to death with the length of wood.
Pike: Similar to spears, but longer and wielded by men intelligent enough to know that attempting to beat your opponent with a twelve foot long bit of wood is not a good idea. Instead medieval pikemen will, on contact with any enemy whatsoever, instantly switch to swords. The reason for carrying pikes into battle is not known, but presumably had some sort of religious connotation.
Jerusalem: The City of Whiney Emo Whores. Everybody in Jerusalem hates you, no matter who you are. If youre Egyptian, Turkish, Moorish, Byzantine, Russian, Hungarian or any other person, they will hate you and rebel after a few turns under your rule, no matter how many nice things you build for them.
The best solution to this is to sell or give the city to the Pope, wait for it to rebel, then kill everybody in the city for rebelling against the Pope.
Acre has nicer weather anyway.
Northern Italy: Also known as the 'Traffic Jam of Europe' this is where EVERYBODY sends their diplomats, spies, merchants and so forth, despite the fact that there really isnt that much there to spy on or assassinate or sell. And in any case the merchants rarely attempt to exploit what there IS to sell, opting rather to try to buy each other out, despite none of them having any money anyway.
Medieval Assassins: Incompetents not capable of killing a blind, three-legged dog with arthritis and a broken spine. In fact, most likely said dog would be miraculously cured by their efforts to kill it. This cannot be said of assassins of certain nations (IE: All of them except yours), who are professionally trained killers quite capable of sneaking into your royal palace and offing your faction leader.
This is starting to sound a lot like the Devil's Dictionnary :p
Keep 'em coming, Sheogorath, O Prince of Madness !
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Few revisions.Quote:
Originally Posted by CyanCentaur
Also:
Agent success percentages: Ignore these. These are randomly generated numbers that have nothing at all to do with your agent's actual chance of success. The real chance can only be portrayed when there are at least 3 digits of precision before the decimal, aka 00.001%, which the game currently does not support.
Relics : While the Lord's presence can be felt in everything, from the shivering of leaves in the wind to the flight of a sparrow, and while God is in essence ineffable and unfathomable, medieval Christians were fond of salvaging their saints for spare parts, just in case. Nothing boosts faith more than holding a piece of Jesus's ... most human part. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me Lord.
Named Ancillaries : if you wrap yourself in ham, hop on one foot naked by the light of the new moon, and utter the secret word "xyfsxwtrglll" (the t is silent) you might actually get one of those.
No wonder I can't get any of these, I kept using "xyfspwtrglll" instead of "xyfsxwtrglll". :no: :shame:Quote:
Originally Posted by Kobal2fr
Walls: Impressive structures built to surround the tiny cities which apparently housed and supported over 30k persons each. To be stationed on the walls in defence of the city was the highest honour which could be bestowed on a medieval soldier, even greater than that of defending the small flag-lined square which was the centre of every city. Accordingly, troops allowed to stand atop the walls would stroll up and down with a jaunty, self-confident air, convinced of their indomitable bravery and spirit. "Well men, the gates may be broken and the enemy swarming over the city, but we who are atop the WALLS will never surrender!"
Special Formations Guide:book:
Schitrom: Spearmen go gay and start getting very close to each other. They stick out their spears in a circle to prevent enemy homos from joining the fun.
Circle-shoot: Horseys with bows and arrows play ring-a-round of roses while shooting. Quite surprisingly, they can do this without even steering the horse(or looking in front for that matter). Sometimes, horseys refuse to play the game because its for girls.
Spearwall: Pikemen and Halberdiers form a line of pokey things thinking that nothing can get pass them. Unfortunately some idiots prefer to use their swords instead of pikes thus jeopardizing the whole spear and wall concept.
Rally: Your general gets too blow a loud trumpeting sound by puckering up his lips and vibrating his throat skillfully. Soldiers under his command are immediately brainwashed of any fear due to the loud sound blast damaging their hypothalamus(this is the memory part of the brain right? Correct me if wrong)
Fire Arrow: Archers use pagan magic to channel heat energy into their arrows. Setting them ablaze when they release. The flame is so strong that it sets a whole man on fire and never dissipates in heavy rain.
Flaming ammunition: Artillery crew use pagan magic to channel heat energy into rocks. Like archers, these are set ablaze when released. However these rocks become very susceptible to wind and will veer of course with the slightest breeze.
Explosive ammunition: Someone thought it would be funny to stuff a bag of gunpowder inside a cannon.
That would be theQuote:
Originally Posted by supadodo
hippopotamushippocampus .
That is actually true. Don't believe me ? Well, read below and convince yourself :Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheogorath
(click too see a brief quote from the acclaimed historically accurate depiction of medieval musketeers by Vanya Fukushima)
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Trebuche: A very large and ornate device designed to slay generals with dead bovines.
Scottish Bow: An annoying device created by Scots as a longer ranged alternative to bag pipes. These devices allow their lazy users to convince dim witted enemies that they are "Supporting" troops instead of deadly shock troops, thus convincing said dim witted troops to close and deal with the "Annoyance". These were exported in large quantities to the Danes who similarly equipt their "Archers".
Balista: A short range cruise missile launch platform designed for removing the entire garrison of a defended settlement before your troops enter. This system is laser guided and, as such, is much less effective when targetting troops behind walls. Fortunately these cruise missiles do have the ability to destroy solid stone walls and are equipt with masking devices that make them look like wooden spears.
Wall Towers: Despite popular belief, wall towers were un-manned sentries that would magically create a never ending barrage of arrows/ballistae bolts/cannon fire, only if friendly troops were stationed nearby to "channel their fighting spirit" into them so it could generate its projectiles out of thin air.
Walls: It is little known that walls not only hollow and kept the enemy out, but also kept your own men from firing at the enemy as well. During most sieges and attacks, archers would line up on walls to defend and shoot arrows from the seemingly advantageous position, only to realize the crenelated walls, despite having gaps to shoot from, were impossible to fire from without using a near 90degree lobbed shot.
Spies: One of the most common things to have ever existed, perhaps only second to water. Proof of this is shown by how nearly every Village,Town,or City has a Thieves Guild dedicated to the art of spying. Be warned however, that spies you personally use will always be inferior to ones that other countries employ, resulting in your spies dying every time they try to enter a city or castle .
Princesses: Otherwise known as the "female diplomats", performed no other function other then to serve as diplomats with maybe a few more tricks available to them. On a side note, princesses, despite being of noble blood and being pampered for most (if not all) of their life, would often have a 'secret lover' which is also a contradiction in terms, due to the fact that if you know she is seeing him, its not exactly a secret now is it?
Gunpowder infantry: Back when first invented, armies had a really hard time using these weapons. Despite being able to magically make the gunpowder dry despite the weather, men holding guns would often find it hard to load, aim, and fire on targets, and would often re-form their ranks due to the enemy moving towards the units flanks. It is often theorized that the men who used the guns were actually obsessive compulsive, and could not take action unless the circumstances were exactly perfect.
Why could a bombard, which is 30cms away from the ground and facing down, fire with a 30 degree angle without any apparent process of aiming?
The explanation is that, contrary to the popular belief, the long barrel of medieval bombards and cannons were for decorative purpouses only. The actual direction of the cannonballs was determined by an invisible device placed at the very end of the metioned cannon/bombard. Inquisitors, in their infinite wisdom, believed this to be an act of the devil himself, so they proceeded to destroy every single one of these formidable weapons, and burn anyone who knew how to build them. And so this art was lost forever.
Reputation:
In no way reflects your actions over the course of the game. Rather, this is randomly calculated every turn based on random actions by the AI. Say, for instance, a swallow landed on your kings favorite apple tree. This will have a significant negative impact on your reputation, for obvious reasons.
Once youre reputation is low enough, everybody will hate you and promptly set about trying to exterminate you. GG idiot lol.
This thread should be either immediately removed from the world wide web for breaching act 18a42t stating that no video game can actually be interpreted as being 'funny' or 'humerus' in any way or it should be stickied with a 5 star rating and have its name changed to the 'Generally accepted interpretation / summary of M2TW' and be made to be read as a terms and conditions when sighing up to any M2TW forum.
But seriously kudos goes out to all that have contributed to this thread for one of the best laughs i have had in a few days
This needs to be revived!
Here's some more!
Cavalry: A little known fact of the horsemen of the medieval era was that the men and horse were bound together by an umbilical-like cord that sustains the knight and the horse as long as they both have beating hearts. This would result in a quite risque death pose with the man mounting the horse.
Infantry: Another strange tradition concerns infantrymen. The soldiers would oft times fill their clothes(pants ,boot, whatever) with a lighter than air substance, often hydrogen. This is the reason for the soldiers instant immolation when hit by a fire arrow, and the habit of getting tossed 10-15 feet in the air when assaulted by cavalry and/or elephants.
Dangrebe, unfortunately thats called thread necromancy and it's not allowed.
You can post a link to the old thread and start a new one, but you cant revive one this old.
:charge:
From your friendly neighborhood blitzmaster, slash "assistant-assistant-assistant-assistant" moderator.
Indeed. Please read the forum rules. ~:)