Ancient Humor

[Spartan198]

[PersianFire]

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some rubbish eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conqured France and addresses the crowd in the Colliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his nonsense, I'm off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Colliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colliseum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing.........

Away Gauls count double in Europe."

[PersianFire]

"One more, a bit rubbish, but it bring a smile...."

Two Roman legionaries are on guard perimeter duty in a fort. "God, all this pacing backwards and forwards is killing me. I feel like i've been here for hours now. What time is it?" The other sentry looks at the setting sun and and replies wearily "We've got anothr hour to go, it's only XX past VIII."

[Vladimir]

nvm

[rajpoot]

Didn't get the last two.......

[CountArach]

Didn't get the last two.......

"away gauls" = Away goals

[Spartan198]

"away gauls" = Away goals

Now I get that one!

[Caius]

What did a Roman legionary said to other?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

I don't know, I don't speak latin.

[Caius]

"away gauls" = Away goals

Still don't get it.

[Flavius Clemens]

Still don't get it.

It's a pun on the rules for European knock out football competitions. Team A and B play two games, the one at A's home ground, the other at B's and the total score for both matches decides who procedes to the next round. If the total score is equal, goals scored away from home are counted as double. (If that still leaves the score equal they play extra time.) So away goals / gauls count double in Europe.

[Andres]

Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Argh! Awful, awful

[Dutch_guy]

.
Away Gauls count double in Europe."

[Adrian II]

Found this on teh Interwebs:

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
Zeus: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
Zeus: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
Zeus: Wait a second...

[Mouzafphaerre]

.

.

[rajpoot]

Read the last one a long time back in Reader's Digest. Nice.

[edyzmedieval]

Found this on teh Interwebs:

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
Zeus: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
Zeus: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
Zeus: Wait a second...

Brilliant!

[AlexTheGood]

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some rubbish eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conqured France and addresses the crowd in the Colliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his nonsense, I'm off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Colliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colliseum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing.........

Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Nice Joke... I liked it...
Now I get annoying but, I thing that:
1) Colloseum was build by Vespasian in Later Roman Times (about 70 AD)... when they have built up the empire. There were the Gauls Conquered... and Britons too I thing. And Julius was Long dead...
2) In the Battle Romans (Julius Ceasar) vs Gauls, there was killed a lot more than 25,000 and 50,000... only at the battle of alesia were killed about 200,000 gauls... or am I wrong?

[Tamur]

And AlexTheGood, I'm sure you're correct but I'm not going to look it up because football jokes, by law, need no verification.

[AlexTheGood]

And AlexTheGood, I'm sure you're correct but I'm not going to look it up because football jokes, by law, need no verification.

I know... this is for sure... But I was just saing. Testing my brain...

[Reverend Joe]

This is a redress of a rather racist -- and very, very funny -- joke.

Near the end of the Roman empire, in the mid 400's or so, a Roman, a Germanian and a Goth were all walking down an alleyway in Rome. The Roman, being the one with expensive taste, had just bought an oil lamp from Persia, and was idly polishing it when suddenly a Genie burst forth from the lamp.

The Genie, seeing three people in front of him instead of the usual one, decided to divide the three wishes evenly amongst them so that the Roman's companions would not feel left out. Since each person only got one wish, they took some time to decide exactly what they wanted.

The Genie turned first to the Germanian and asked him, "What is it that you wish?" The Germanian replied, "I would like all of my Germanian brothers to be returned to Germania, where we were before we were driven out by war and bloodshed, and live there forever in peace." The Genie said, "Done!" and clapped his hands, spun his head around three times, and *poof* the Germanian's wish was granted and he disappeared.

The Genie then turned to the Goth and asked him, "What is it that you wish?" The Goth replied, "I wish for all my fellow Goths and all the other migrating tribes to be returned to our homelands, where we were before evil men set us on the warpath, and live there forever in peace." The Genie said, "Done!" and clapped his hands, spun his head around three times, and *poof* the Gaul's wish was granted and he disappeared.

Finally, the Genie turned to the Roman and asked him, "What is it that you wish?" The Roman paused for a moment and asked the Genie, "So, wait... all the Germanians are back in Germania, and they'll never come back?" The Genie replied, "Yes, it is so." The Roman continued, "And all the Gauls and Vandals and everyone else from the east who's been running around Rome for the past two hundred years is gone, too?" The Genie replied, "Yes, it is so."

The Roman replied, "Well, in that case, I think I'll take a bottle of your finest Greek wine."



(The original joke is explained below.)

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Instead of a Roman, a Germanian and a Goth, it was a white guy, a black guy and a jew. And the white guy ordered a martini.

I think I like the old Martini punchline a lot better.

[Vladimir]

I like that. Saw it coming but wanted to verify.