Ancient Humor

[Jaume]

Huh, Spartans aren't Greek?

They speak greek language too but they were politically organised in a "πόλις", an independent city-state.

Iulius Caesar to their legionaries:

- I have two news, one good and one bad. Which do you want I say first?
- The good one, the good one!
- Well, the good new is that today we're gonna change our underpants.
(Legionaries were been fighting for three years in the Gaul with the same underpants)
- Long live Caesar!! Roma vincit!! And which is the bad one?
- Well, you're gonna change your underpants with Catus, Catus with Lupus, Lupus with Scipio, etc.




A roman was walking in the streets of Rome, and then suddenly he saw a thing. He stopped and observed what he was going to crush, he smells it, he touch it with his finger, he sucks his finger and then he says:

- Oh, it's a *poop* . I'm so lucky I hadn't tread on it.

[KarlXII]

The second one is hard to understand, so I'm assuming a smiling flower was the object.

[Jaume]

The second one is hard to understand, so I'm assuming a smiling flower was the object.

An administrator had edited it. I understand it; the word was not very kind.

Anyway, I edited too now. But if it's censured again, just let me say that is something brown and creamy .

[AlexTheGood]

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some rubbish eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conqured France and addresses the crowd in the Colliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his nonsense, I'm off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Colliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colliseum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing.........

Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Nice Joke... I liked it...
Now I get annoying but, I thing that:
1) Colloseum was build by Vespasian in Later Roman Times (about 70 AD)... when they have built up the empire. There were the Gauls Conquered... and Britons too I thing. And Julius was Long dead...
2) In the Battle Romans (Julius Ceasar) vs Gauls, there was killed a lot more than 25,000 and 50,000... only at the battle of alesia were killed about 200,000 gauls... or am I wrong?

[Tamur]

And AlexTheGood, I'm sure you're correct but I'm not going to look it up because football jokes, by law, need no verification.

[AlexTheGood]

And AlexTheGood, I'm sure you're correct but I'm not going to look it up because football jokes, by law, need no verification.

I know... this is for sure... But I was just saing. Testing my brain...

[Reverend Joe]

This is a redress of a rather racist -- and very, very funny -- joke.

Near the end of the Roman empire, in the mid 400's or so, a Roman, a Germanian and a Goth were all walking down an alleyway in Rome. The Roman, being the one with expensive taste, had just bought an oil lamp from Persia, and was idly polishing it when suddenly a Genie burst forth from the lamp.

The Genie, seeing three people in front of him instead of the usual one, decided to divide the three wishes evenly amongst them so that the Roman's companions would not feel left out. Since each person only got one wish, they took some time to decide exactly what they wanted.

The Genie turned first to the Germanian and asked him, "What is it that you wish?" The Germanian replied, "I would like all of my Germanian brothers to be returned to Germania, where we were before we were driven out by war and bloodshed, and live there forever in peace." The Genie said, "Done!" and clapped his hands, spun his head around three times, and *poof* the Germanian's wish was granted and he disappeared.

The Genie then turned to the Goth and asked him, "What is it that you wish?" The Goth replied, "I wish for all my fellow Goths and all the other migrating tribes to be returned to our homelands, where we were before evil men set us on the warpath, and live there forever in peace." The Genie said, "Done!" and clapped his hands, spun his head around three times, and *poof* the Gaul's wish was granted and he disappeared.

Finally, the Genie turned to the Roman and asked him, "What is it that you wish?" The Roman paused for a moment and asked the Genie, "So, wait... all the Germanians are back in Germania, and they'll never come back?" The Genie replied, "Yes, it is so." The Roman continued, "And all the Gauls and Vandals and everyone else from the east who's been running around Rome for the past two hundred years is gone, too?" The Genie replied, "Yes, it is so."

The Roman replied, "Well, in that case, I think I'll take a bottle of your finest Greek wine."



(The original joke is explained below.)

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Instead of a Roman, a Germanian and a Goth, it was a white guy, a black guy and a jew. And the white guy ordered a martini.

I think I like the old Martini punchline a lot better.

[Vladimir]

I like that. Saw it coming but wanted to verify.

[Spino]

Here's a old one... and a bad one...

A Greek goes into a tailor shop with a couple of torn togas. The tailor says, "Euripides?" and the guy says, "Yeah. Eumendides?"












If you still don't get it try reading it aloud in your best NY accent...

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
I'm proud of myself, having got it finally.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"You ripped this?"
"Yea, you mend this?"

.

[Martok]

Here's a old one... and a bad one...

A Greek goes into a tailor shop with a couple of torn togas. The tailor says, "Euripides?" and the guy says, "Yeah. Eumendides?"












If you still don't get it try reading it aloud in your best NY accent...

Somewhere, Gregoshi is smiling and nodding approvingly....

[Quintus.JC]

Here's a old one... and a bad one...

A Greek goes into a tailor shop with a couple of torn togas. The tailor says, "Euripides?" and the guy says, "Yeah. Eumendides?"

[Conqueror]

Those should be chitons instead of togas though, since he's a Greek and not a Roman.

[Darkvicer98]

Lol i can't stop laughing at all these jokes. Heres one:

In Ancient China, 3 women called Me,Mi and Mo were in a bath. Mi and Mo got out,who's left?

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
You?
.

[Spartan198]

Here's a old one... and a bad one...

A Greek goes into a tailor shop with a couple of torn togas. The tailor says, "Euripides?" and the guy says, "Yeah. Eumendides?"












If you still don't get it try reading it aloud in your best NY accent...

[Tamur]

Cleopatra and Mark Antony stood dejectedly on the deck of their ship, fleeing from the horrors of the battle of Actium, and from Octavian hot on their heels. Cleopatra was disconsolate. "Why didn't I see before now how weak you are, you pitiful wretch!?"

Antony sighed and answered, "Simple, my dear. You are the queen of denial."

[Spartan198]

Cleopatra and Mark Antony stood dejectedly on the deck of their ship, fleeing from the horrors of the battle of Actium, and from Octavian hot on their heels. Cleopatra was disconsolate. "Why didn't I see before now how weak you are, you pitiful wretch!?"

Antony sighed and answered, "Simple, my dear. You are the queen of denial."

[Gregoshi]

Somewhere, Gregoshi is smiling and nodding approvingly....

Indeed! Good stuff.

[Spartan198]

Indeed! Good stuff.

The legendary Gregoshi! Glad you could pay my joke thread a visit.

[Mouzafphaerre]

Cleopatra and Mark Antony stood dejectedly on the deck of their ship, fleeing from the horrors of the battle of Actium, and from Octavian hot on their heels. Cleopatra was disconsolate. "Why didn't I see before now how weak you are, you pitiful wretch!?"

Antony sighed and answered, "Simple, my dear. You are the queen of denial."

.

.

[Abokasee]

A hoplite walks into a bar

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

*ouch*

How many Phalanx Pikemen does it take to fix a light bulb

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Depends if the Plagix Hoplix or Human

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Atilla the *Cough*
Attila the who?
Attila the hun you buffoon!

[Tamur]

A hoplite walks into a bar

great way to present that one.

[Caius]

How many Caesars do you need to change a bulb?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

There weren't bulbs in Rome, you know.

[Tamur]

A belated thanks to everyone who was willing to have their jokes included in the Gahzette. I'll try not to raid this thread too often... well, I will, but I had to claim that I would appear thoughtful and non-predatory.

[WarMachine187]

there was a roman,a greek, and a gaul who were traveling through asia togethor.While traveling, they were captured by a tribe of amazons.The amazons,taking the group back to their village,prepared to beat them.The leader of the village first went to the greek and asked him if he wanted anything on his back to ease the pain."Oil" replied the greek.So they put oil on his back and gave him ten lashes.huge welts appeared on the greeks back and they through him in jail.They came to the gaul and asked him the same thing."I take nothing" he replied and took his lashes wit'hout a wimper.After throwing the gaul in jail,they came to the roman and asked him the same thing."Ill take the gaul"he replied.

[Adrian II]

Here's a old one... and a bad one...

A Greek goes into a tailor shop with a couple of torn togas. The tailor says, "Euripides?" and the guy says, "Yeah. Eumendides?"

[Ignoramus]

(From I've got blood on my toga)

Marc Antony: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!
Bystander: What have you got in that sack?
Marc Antony: Ears!!

[Tamur]

"Ill take the gaul" he replied.

I shouldn't read this thread while eating breakfast...

[Mangudai]

What do an elephant and a quintreme have in common?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

They are both full of Carthaginian semen

A Sarmation, a Hun, and a Vandal are drinking beer.
A fly lands in the Sarmation's beer. He says, "That's gross, I'm getting another beer".
A fly lands in the Hun's beer. He picks out the fly, tosses it aside and keeps drinking the same beer.
A fly lands in the Vandal's beer. He picks out the fly and shakes it above his mug saying. "Spit it out ye damn fly! Spit it out!"


What is the difference between a Byzantine tax farmer and a catfish?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

One is a scumsucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish

An Egyptian, a Roman, and a Greek are challenged to find the most economic way to keep a herd of sheep inside a fence.
The Egyptian builds a circular fence and declares "A circle has the greatest area with the least amount of fencing."
The Roman builds a circular fence even smaller than the Egytian's then beats the sheep with a stick until they all fit inside the fence.
The Greek builds a fence around himself and says "I declare myself to be outside!"