EB Jokes

[Ibrahim]

Big lol here!

indeed!

[russia almighty]

An Ethiopian Agema talking to TA about why they got removed in 1.0.



"Hey whats up guys, do we get anything new in EB 1.0?"


"Hey Agema....uh, you kinda got removed?"


"Oh......"


"You aren't mad?"

"Oh, no, not really TA."


"Thats good, I guess. I'm glad you didn't stick that ax in me."


"I'm glad too, though your girlfriend is glad I stick my black *gets shot by the censors*

[Ibrahim]

russia allmighty: HAVE YOU NO SHAME LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
still, that's very shameful behavior

[pezhetairoi]

oh. my. god. XD TA better not get to see this. We shall have to silence him now. This calls for General Appo!

[Hax]

/destroys conversation

[General Appo]

*Performs mystical ancient, pagan, bloody, vile, horrific, intoxocating, shocking rituals that includes many virgins, several animals of all sorts, about a dozen Punic babies, 14 pregnant Boii women, the genitalia of a elephant and a Samnite capitalist to restore the conversation from the dead to rise from it´s grave neither dead nor alive, but as a zombie-conversation. Then impales the fuc* on a pila and goes for a drink*
EB tavern here I come!

[Hax]

Brains...

[Disciple of Tacitus]

*as General Appo leaves, in the distance can be heard*

"secercy is assured"

The EBF Strike Team comes as shadows and leaves as a hazy afterthought.

[Brave]

Resolving to surprise her husband, a sweboz' wife stopped by his hut.
When she opened the door, she found him with his slave sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this hut with just one stool."



Due to a mixup on election day, three Roman Senators are forced to share a carrage to arrive in time for the ceremony.

While passing through a village on the way to Rome, the first Senator pulls out his treasury contract and says, "I'm going to throw this highly lucrative sum out the door and make a poor peasant very happy."

Not to be outdone, the second senator took out his treasury bill and ripped it in half then threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing the second Senator's stupid move, the third Senator bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 Sestertius' out of the door and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the driver, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, shouts through, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this carriage and make the population of the world very happy."




It was a really hot day and this clueless maiden with more money than brains decided she would go buy a treat from the market. She went to the stall and when she handed over her money she was presented with an ice cold cup of juice. And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the dumb maiden said, "No way. I'm still winning!"



Cicero and his father were visiting Rome for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two grand doors that opened and closed in unison. Cicero asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen the curia before, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the Cicero and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old criple (a slave) hobbled up to the doors and was allowed entry. The doors closed again and Cicero and his father watched as the doors were reopened and a tall Senator dressed in the traditional toga stepped out and embraced the throng milling by the doors.

The father looked at Cicero anxiously and said, "Son, get yourself inside. You always wanted to be one of them."

[Sarcasm]

Am I missing something here?

[machinor]

A legionary gets lost while patroling outside the Limes. Suddenly he finds himself surrounded by a Germanic warband, all armed to the teeth and looking terrifying. The legionary abandons all hope of getting out of this mess alive and just shouts: "Shit! I'm fucked!"
One of the Germans says: "No, you're not. See that guy over there with that bronze helmet and that huge spear?! He's our chief. Run to him and grab his spear."
The legionary is a bit confused but does as the German told him. "And now?" asks the legionary.
"Now kill the chief with his own spear" says the German.
The legionary does as the German says.
"And now?"
"NOW you're fucked!"

[pezhetairoi]

I think someone's missing the point. XD Brave, please read the title and OP before actually posting and looking silly. This is for EB jokes, not normal jokes. They did not have airplanes, coke machines or elevators in 272BC.

[HanBarca]

Q: How do you call a 8 feet tall, naked Geseta charging at you with a 5 feet sword ?
A: "Sir"

[Hax]

He changed them, though. Yay for Brave!

[pezhetairoi]

Three cheers for Brave's bravery! Hooray for Brave!

@HanBarca

If you be a man, it's hardly the 5-foot sword that's the reason you're showing so much respect, but some other 5-foot-long thing instead. :D

[Olimpian]

Q:Why don't people activate the script?
R:Because when you are the aspiring leader of a great(or soon to be great) empire you can't be bothered to listen to the little dude that keeps popping up at the corner of your screen and keeps telling you(how dare he?!)to do something...You most certainly know better

[Zangor]

/unlurk

A Roman, an Athenian, and a Spartan are shipwrecked and captured by a tribe of savages. The leader of the tribe says to them "we have captured you, and now we are going to kill you, eat you, and use your skins to make canoes. However, our custom dictates that we give you leave to die in the manner that you choose."

First, they ask the Athenian how he would like to die. He replies, "I shall drink hemlock, and thus die like Socrates."
They give him a goblet; he drains it to the last drop and dies, and the savages carry off his body, boil his flesh and use his skin to make a boat.

They then ask the Roman to choose his manner of death. He replies, "I shall fall on my sword, as is the duty of any defeated Roman."
They hand him his sword, which he promptly falls upon and dies. His body is carried off, his flesh smoked, and his skin used to make a boat.

Last of all they ask the Spartan, "Now, Spartan, it is your turn. How will you die?"
He thinks about it for a moment, and says "Give me a fork."

Though they find his request odd, the Spartan is given a fork, and he promptly starts stabbing himself all over: the arms, chest, every patch of skin he can find.

"What are you doing?!" the chief asks, "Why would you choose to die so painfully?"

Showing no hint of his pain, the Spartan replies, "You can kill me, and you can even eat my flesh; there's nothing I can do about that. But just you try to use my skin to make your boats!"

/relurk

[Gebeleisis]

A legionary gets lost while patroling outside the Limes. Suddenly he finds himself surrounded by a Germanic warband, all armed to the teeth and looking terrifying. The legionary abandons all hope of getting out of this mess alive and just shouts: "Shit! I'm fucked!"
One of the Germans says: "No, you're not. See that guy over there with that bronze helmet and that huge spear?! He's our chief. Run to him and grab his spear."
The legionary is a bit confused but does as the German told him. "And now?" asks the legionary.
"Now kill the chief with his own spear" says the German.
The legionary does as the German says.
"And now?"
"NOW you're fucked!"

[Brave]

nb I am using D for currency (Denarii)
A man walked into the EB Tavern one day. He walked up to the bartender (Pez?) and said, “Pez, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks”. The bartender said, “No problem sir, but I’ll need to see some D first”. The guy pulls out a huge bag of gold and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?”, asked the bartender. “I’m a professional gambler”, replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?”. “Well, I only bet on sure things” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender. “Well, for example, I’ll bet you 50D that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender thought about it. “OK”. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. “Aw, you screwed me”, said the bartender, and paid the guy his 50D. “I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another 50 that I can bite my LEFT eye” said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet”. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. “Aw, you screwed me again”. “That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best wine in leiu of the 100D″, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me 500D!”. The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the back room 1000D that I could pee all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!”.

[pezhetairoi]

AHAHHAHA I was expecting that tavern joke to come out eventually. XD XD

A bunch of Hetairoi were drinking around in the Tavern, getting drunk as only Makedonians can. And they saw in the corner, by his own lonely self, a Baktrian fellow sipping womanishly from a small kylix instead of quaffing from kraters like true men do, they decided to go tease him. One of them walked over and emptied his krater on the Baktrian's feet.

The Baktrian keeps quiet, and continues drinking.

Another hetairos comes over and emptied his krater on the fellow's head.

The Baktrian keeps quiet, and continues drinking.

The third hetairos comes over, takes the Baktrian's kylix, drinks all the wine in it, and smashes it on the ground.

The Baktrian sits there for awhile, then leaves the tavern quietly.

The hetairoi go back to drinking, guffawing loudly and telling the bartender 'what's the problem with that boy-lover, eh? We did all those humiliating things to him and he didn't even do anything! That guy's a wuss!'

And the bartender said, 'I don't know about that. He just drove his Elephantes Indikos Kataphraktos over your horses outside.'

[Ibrahim]

@brave: thanks for changing that!
@pezhetairos:LOLOLOLOLOL guess he wasn't so effeminate afterall.

[pezhetairoi]

Hah, Brave's Tavern joke jogged my memory about this one I'd heard about Hell's Angels and a trucker on the Interstate 66, so yeah. XD I had intended it to be a Casse Cidainh driver, but I figured it had to be something heavy to go over them horses. oO

[marodeur]

Sparte and Athens want to find out who has the better athlete. The best athlete from athens will duel himself with the best athlete from sparte.
On the very next day, athenian heralds start to tell the hellenic world from Massalia to Baktria the glorious results:
"While our athenian hero proved himself worthy and made it to a very good second place, the Spartian athlete dissappointed his people and only became penultimate."

[Gebeleisis]

Red Balloon for Brave Pez (awsome)
Green Balloon for marodeur (preety cool)

[pezhetairoi]

Hurray, more balloons! And red ones, too!

Thank you, Gebeleisis. Ave. *solemn salute*

[L.C.Cinna]

A young Athenian noble comes home in the morning. His father has been waiting for him all night and is pretty upset:

"Son!!! Where have you been all night?!!!!!????"

"Father, I'm sorry. I know I should have been home earlier but...oh well I had such a great night..."

The fahter looks at him: "Oh son, does that mean you're not a virgin anymore?"

The son smiles at him.


"Good boy! Go get us some wine and sit down here with your good old father and tell me everything!"

"Oh father, I'd really like to have some wine with you but I'm afraid I can't sit down yet..."

[Hax]

Hahahaha, oooh!

[fenix3279]

@ L.C. Cinna

haha funny

[General Appo]

Damn, and I thought I was immature. Funny anyway.

[Ayce]

Good one, Cinna