Always winter


by Moros



It is winter. It is Always winter. Cold. Bare. I hate the winter. I am the winter. I’ll always be the winter.

I’m 43 years old. My hairline is regressing towards the back of my neck. And seems to be reappearing out of my nose. And the only place except for my nose where lack of hair doesn’t seem to be the problem, is my back. Back in the days, I never was pretty, but I wasn’t that repulsive either. At least I didn’t had to wear a bag over my head, like my only friend from high school. And when I mean had to wear, I really mean had to wear. The PHS forced him to!*

Anyway back to me. Like I told you I’m a miserable looking fellow. And if that isn’t bad enough I’m a bloody virgin. Well, okay I went to a prostitute once, but that doesn’t really count, I guess. Does it? With girls that I didn’t have to pay an hour, the only thing I ever got was kissing a drunk girl while being drunk myself. I barely remember it. The only memory I have about it, if I have to be honest, is a picture of her puking in my mouth right after. You know, I hate photographs. When you graduate, or something like that, the camera usually won’t work. But when you get puked on or something they always work. The picture is sharp and everything. Wait…here it is. Ugly, you say? Well no…I wouldn’t call her ug… Now please. Have you ever seen a picture of someone puking that was flattering? Did you? That’s what I thought. Wait don’t leave. I’ll buy you another one. No, no, I’ll pay. You know, you’re much cheaper than my psychologist, so it doesn’t matter. No, there are people I don’t have to pay to talk with. Remember my friend who had to wear the…oh never mind.

Anyway like I was saying, I felt miserable. And so I was thinking of the perfect way to commit suicide. I thought about buying a gun and shooting myself. But if my love life seems sad, you haven’t heard about my financial status yet. I rent a small apartment, which hasn’t been paid for for ages. I can’t afford a car, and I could barely buy that crappy bicycle without having to loan. Sigh. And well, though I has just enough money to buy the cheapest gun they had, I couldn’t afford the bullets. But then I thought, if you have the Golden Gate Bridge this near…

So I went to buy me a rope, a strong one. I took my bike and started riding…sigh. I started riding. However halfway my tire went flat. So I took a look, and apparently a big nail had pierced it. Even committing suicide, even committing bloody suicide… Even when I wanted to commit suicide, life had to show that it sucked and that it still had me in its power. But I wasn’t going to stop. Hell no! I finally had the balls and the guts to do it. No suicide isn’t a sign of being a coward! Why live, if it isn’t worth to? A coward is someone who doesn’t try to and err… just waits for death to get him! What’s the use in waiting, if you’re still suffering!? Okay, okay. I’ll calm down. I’ll calm down. Want another one? No? Oh, come on! I buy.

So I started walking…

I’m freezing, freezing. The world is freezing. Freezing me. Slowly getting buried under the snow.

It took me bloody 7 hours to get there. But boy was it worth it! Finally the bridge. My rescue, my stairway to… Yeah that is indeed a great son! Though I think it’s a bit overrated though. But a good song nonetheless. So I walked up to the bridge. My feet hurt like hell, and I never have been that thirsty. No one ever was that thirsty. But I’ve always been thirsty, yet the only thing I got to drink was...sigh. Yeah the girl puked in my mouth. Can we forget about that already!? Sigh. Then I realized I forgot the rope, which I was going to use to tie my legs up, in the bike’s basket. Damn, was I Angry! I kicked a stone that hard. Yeah, it was indeed broken. I can still hear that crack. But I made up my mind. I was going to jump, you bet I was going to jump!
After having to crawl the last few meters, I finally reached the middle of the bridge. I looked down. I stood up and was ready to jump. When suddenly a women yelled ‘stop, don’t jump!’. I took a quick look behind me. It was a female cop, who had seen my crawling and bleeding. I awsered: ‘whatcha gonna do, shoot me?’. ‘No…’, she said, caring.

A bird was whistling inside me.

Could it be? I looked at my watch. 9:43 PM, 14th of January. I closed my eyes. It said 9:43, the 21st of March.

I looked back again. And now I noticed her green caring truthful eyes, her red lips and her peach like skin.

I looked at my watch: 9:43, 21st of March.

So we started talking. And…of course I did not jump. It’s the bloody 15th! If I had jumped, I wouldn’t be here right now, would I? Anyway, we started talking. She even laughed a few times. Of course she had called for an ambulance first. But we kept talking and then well… the ambulance arrived. I didn’t want to leave her though. So I asked her for her number, hoping…hoping. Sigh. Yes, she answered me. No, she didn’t say no! She actually gave it! Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. But she did. Then she said: ‘and what about a kiss?’ Yes, she did!

It’s spring. The flowers, the birds…my bird especially. The sun, her kiss. This is spring!

-‘So what ya doing here, in a pub like this, if you found true love?’
-‘Sigh, she was married.'

But I’m the winter. I’ll always be the winter.