Battle of the Allia

Battle is imminent; the Gauls have invaded the Etruscan province of Siena and attacked the town of Clusium. The Clusians, overwhelmed by the sheer brute force of the enemy call on Rome for help.

Fabius the Killer swaggered up to a delegate from Gaul and tore his head off with his bare feety. He is not called Fabius the Killer for nothing you know, patrician he may be. Now the Gauls were not too chuffed about that it must be said, they ordered the Romans to hand over the offending Fabians and did they? No-they-did-not!

Those who ought to have been punished were instead appointed for the coming year military tribunes with consular powers (the highest that could be granted). (Livy: Verse 11 chapter Paul: Ab Urbe Condita).

Brennus sat with a visible vein throbbing in his right temple cursing in an ancient tongue and waving his hands. Not a good omen. Not too surprisingly the Gauls gave battle.

At this time the Roman military was a haphazard bunch of useless rabble held together by a strong centre line of the upper-class.
The Gauls charged the poorly equipped flanks causing an instant rout; an eye witness gave the following account:
“They like just flew at us on drugs or summat, spiky hair an all, I like just ran dint I.”

“Well, who can blame him for being a coward?” (Socrates: Verse 2: Ramblings of an Idiot II)
That was the end of the battle with the centre line being enveloped and slaughtered. Oh why didn’t the rich buy a house in the country?
Rome had never seen so many tourists running for the sales, oh wait; they were fleeing the Gauls, my mistake. At least somebody shut the gates... whoops.

With shouts of Glee the Gauls chased the Romans round and round Rome like some cheesy cartoon to the tune of dip dip diddle dee, dip dip diddle dee deeee until they were holed up on the Capitoline Hill. This speech was made by Brennus:

“Bit of gold eh? Yes I will go if you give me gold. But I shall use MY weights, WOE TO THE VANQUISHED!”