Assignment 1: Post Here!

[Tamur]

Offline participant

Paragraph one: In a park. The boy sits alone, one hand on his skateboard, the other on the step he's sitting on. He has black hair cut short in the front, long in back. [Was his haircut a mistake by his mum?] Good insight He pulls his hand up from the step and bites at his nails while watching a group play with a hacky sack nearby. A loud truck driving on a road nearby catches his attention. [He follows it with his eyes, then his mouth move to his right and he blows air out of his mouth, gets on his board, and starts jumping the steps again.] Awkward, too long. Try splitting the action up.

Paragraph two: On the bus. The man gets on first, [surveys everyone] nice combination of setting the scene and showing character, then leads down the aisle as the woman follows him. they sit down on a bench together, backs against the windows. He puts his left arm around her and leans back [as if he's conquered the world] Better to stay with descriptive words rather than similes, observe the detail and report it. She laughs, grabs his right arm, and starts rubbing it. [They're not a pretty couple, so this isn't pleasant to watch] Funny, and builds their characters, great. The hair on his arm has to be a full inch long and more, dark like his hair, and she's rubbing it into big fluffy piles. He rubs her back for a moment, hugs her tight with his left arm. She collapses into him and rubs his stomach. He whispers something in her ear and appears to lick it, [at which point I turn away] Nice ending, it's good to hear the narrator speak as well.

Paragraph three: In a park: a band conductor has arrived at the band shell where the boy is skateboarding. He's dressed casually, in jeans and a flannel shirt, and digs in a backpack for a moment. Then he starts setting up his music stand as if the boy doesn't exist. The boy takes a rough tumble and the band conductor looks up from his bag for a moment. Maybe to assess if the boy is still alive? [When the boy gets up] "when" is too abstract here... maybe "after", "while", or other descriptive the conductor continues rummaging in his backpack. I wonder what he can be looking for. Three trumpet players arrive. The conductor looks up from his rummaging, quickly zips his bag, and greets them. They stand and talk for a minute, then the players go up into the band shell. One of the trumpet players tells the skateboarder that they need the space he's 'boarding on. The conductor simply stands with his hands in his pockets, watching as the boy leaves. [He turns on his heel] Nice detail as the boy disappears around the corner of the band shell [to watch him go] Baffling until I realised it went with "he turns on his heel", revise for clarity, then turns back with a smile and greets the french horn players who have just arrived.

The third scene is a great one. Very believable. The characters are well defined and I can see this moving in into a story with some more definition

Nice attention to detail and movement overall. Tighten up the action in a couple of spots and it'll be great.