Assignment 1: Post Here!

[Tamur]

Ironsword

The man sat stirring his coffee, not slowly, but as a whirling dervish, the froth spun wildly, matching his appearance. A long trench coat hung over his seat and between the stains it was coloured a mottled grey. He glanced nervously about, [perhaps fearing that coffee rustlers were nearby] =), he needn’t have worried, as his grim appearance would be enough to see off all but the most hardened thief. His hair was greasy and tied back in pony tail, its chestnut colouring reflecting the three days growth on his chin that bristled with flecks of grey. [His blotchy face was marked with old acne scars from years past and his weathered lips seemed to welcome the hot coffee as he proffered it to them.] Unbalanced. These two phrases both describe his face, but one is action and one is description alone. Try breaking into two sentences. He cast his feral gaze across the room, lingering on some people and not on others. [It was then we locked eyesight] With the foregoing description I really felt this!, I felt a shiver across my back and turned from him as nonchalantly as I could, hoping that he thought nothing more of me, after all, not [even if I was dying of thirst would I want to steal his coffee.] My offline editor and her daughter both commented "hehehe" here

By the far wall a couple sat petting each other, so I let my gaze settle once more. She was the more playful, flicking sugar at the man; he for his part, grinned a warm and loving smile and tried to [gather] Great character word & interaction description following her in his arms. She evaded his grasp and laughed at his clumsy attempt. She was small and spindly, all limbs and blonde hair coupled with the exuberance of youth. He turned back to his newspaper, ignoring her. Immediately she stopped her mischief and became attentive, desperate for more of his affection. I smiled to myself, the man knew how to handle her well, and I regarded him with a sense of envy. He was dark haired and was immaculately attired, his clothes were what I imagined would suit me well, but I knew his assured style was more down to a debonair manner that would always elude me. Then I noticed it, and for all his graceful ways I could not suppress a smirk, from the [reflection in his shades] Very well observed detail that sat atop his head I could see his crown. He was thinning, perhaps even balding. There is hope for us all I mused.

[A waft of Chanel drifted past me and with it the waitress] Great opening line. She flitted about the room collecting cups and wiping down tables with a zest I wouldn’t be able to muster. She was the reason I was here every Tuesday and Thursday. She stopped at the loners table and asked whether he wanted the small plate perched on the end. He turned and glowered at her, I was sure she would flee back to the kitchens; [instead she held her ground and asked again politely but firmly. His demeanour changed] Excellent moment, great character building as he visibly wilted from her gaze, then he shrugged coyly and busied himself with his cup to avoid anymore interaction with her. She took the plate and placed it upon the heap of crockery in her other arm and moved on. Her work dress was modest, a plain white blouse and black skirt, but I could still [trace] the line of her body through it. Her face was always without make-up, save for a [trace] trace... trace, it sticks out amidst the great writing of eyeliner and her long brown hair fluttered glossily behind her as she went about her business. She carried herself with an aloofness and poise that was truly beautiful to behold and set an aching in me to witness her in more flattering clothes. The couple watched her work as she removed the sugar and mess from their table, the man’s eyes lingered on her longer than his lover minded and she caught him with a soft blow to the arm as a rebuke. I didn’t blame him, or her for that matter, the waitress was as radiant as the sun. I waited until she was nearly at my table; [this time I fully intended to talk to her.] Nice ending, pulling in the narrator

This writer is obviously able to laugh at himself, and in turn the reader can feel in on the jokes naturally. Great fun to read.

Very solid all round writing here. Lots of character-filled detail, enough that I felt like I knew the waitress and the loner by the time I was done reading.

[Tamur]

Stephen Asen

An old man is walking in the graden. His coat is threadbare, his body is stooped, and his hair is as white as the [snow, which the spring sun had just melted] White as snow is often used, but pulling it into the setting like this is a brilliant move. He moves slowly as every movement makes his old body ache. As he approached the bench he stopped and then slowly sat on it. He sat still as ages had [passed]. He was watching at his [past] passed... past... slightly different but they stick out. [He was observing a woman with a small child.] This made me very curious as a reader

The child was picking flowers bent on a large stone in the garden. [His face is shined by] His face shines with... nice description a large baby smile and that inquisitiveness typical for his young age. His mother was close to him and she soon takes him in her hands. She smiles and then she puts the child on a the paved path [where he is far from the dust] Good insight into her character. But the baby is reluctant to stay far from the flowers, which had become his new toys...

This is a beautiful moment, very nicely described and with a lot of empathy for the subject.

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When I entered in the office, she asked:

" What may I do for you? "

Then we had a short conversation about the copies that had to be made. Her voice was calm and polite, [the artificial smile] Something everyone can picture instantly, good on her face and she held her left hand with her right one so that her hands were crossed just in front of her belt. She was an office assisstant and she was trying to hide her nervousness. [It was all clear. She was new there.] Short punchy ending!

Nicely described and worded. Some basic grammar and spelling issues but the writing itself is very good.

[Tamur]

This thread will now remain open for everyone to comment on the writing, the feedback, the percentage chance of Drogba diving in the CL final...

One note: the feedback sprinkled throughout the writing is a combination of my own and my offline editor's comments, as are any ending comments. Please do let me know if you authors find it hard to follow.