Assignment 2: Post here!

[Tamur]

Ironsword

Margaret Thatcher had come to power, Elvis had been dead for two years and in New York City, Sid Vicious had killed Nancy Spungen in their hotel room, but all I remember was that it was a hot and sticky day.

Interesting historical details and good era-setting, but the two deaths mentioned colour this memory black from the start. The rest of it is vivid, innocent, colourful. It seems like an incongruous beginning.

I see it through a telescope now; circled black around the edges. The picture is grainy and flecked with the dark blotches and spots of an old cinema reel. The Hues of the memory are in bright 70’s uber-colour. Vivid blues, greens and reds dominate the scene, and perhaps there was a radio playing, perhaps it was a Jackson five song.

At this point I don't yet have an image to work with, just vague colours and sounds. Might want to pull the reader in with a visual earlier..

I sat as a young child in a red plastic car Something I can grab onto, my feet barely touching the ground Nice tactile details here too; my legs had just enough strength to push it along the concrete path. I loved that car, the large stickers of eyes where the headlamps should be gave it a personality, and the light blue squeaky horn gave it a voice I like the way you've pulled in visual, tactile, auditory detail all in a short space. Across the yellow dashboard there were a whole selection of dials, all printed onto paper and no matter how hard I pushed the speedometer would forever be stuck at twenty five miles per hour.

Good paragraph, lots of rich colours and textures

Bright plants I wonder what a bright plant could be? Shiny leaves? Bright flowers? lined the garden and to my eyes they were like alpine firs Good comparison, character-building for the narrator. Beyond lay the borders of my world I like this, sets the time into early childhood, a dark brown creosoted fence and above, the hazy blue sky crossed with the vapour trails of tens of jets. Intriguing detail

A squeal of laughter filled my ears as my younger brother careened into my car from behind. I laughed at the jolt and we shared a mutual look of happiness. His mop of blond hair sat atop the crown of his head and his big blue eyes shone with innocence that matched his own little car The car is implanted in my mind from earlier, so comparing it to innocence works well. I couldn’t remember if words had been said, but I couldn’t remember Time shift, sticks out how many words either my brother or I knew. It is a treasured thing that both of us were lost in the moment, grinning with the simple pleasure of enjoying ourselves in the sun. We were just playmates then, but there has been a long span of years since, and we have lost something A very universal feeling, something of our brotherhood and friendship. The world took it up and swept it aside amidst all the news stories. Good tie-around to the start

Too much padding at the beginning, but that car is stuck in my head now, I remember the feel! Well done to the writer for creating that image so completely.

The bond of brothers (and loss of) was very striking, nicely described and then dissolved at the end