How to murder a quack?

[Adrian II]

Someone in my circle (not my wife thank god) survived a cancer but never completely recovered from the multiple operations and other invasive therapies. Over the years she has resorted more and more to quackery: homeopathy, osteopathy, crystal therapy and finally, in a fit of idiocy, 'orthomolecular medicine'. As a result of the latter, her metabolism is now so ****** up and her resistance so weakened that she can hardly walk five miles or stay awake for an entire day.

For years I have tried to keep her out of the quacks' hands with jokes ('homeopathic medicine is perfectly alright as long as it's infinitely diluted'), persuasion (I fired the entire battery of evidence-based medicine at her) and finally pleading. To no avail. So I am now left with only one option: kill the orthomolecular quack. I want to do this professionally, but I want to enjoy it as well.

Can any of you recommend a fitting way for this 'therapist' to go? Shall I drown the old fart in a brew of whole grains, rotten prunes and infinitely diluted cow dung? Shall I pierce her motoric nerves one by one with acupuncture needles, or shall I force her to eat finely ground mountain crystal resulting in organ failure and a lengthy and painful death struggle?

I am open to suggestion.

[InsaneApache]

Sulphuric acid enema.

[Adrian II]

Sulphuric acid enema.

Sounds good. What does it do? Cause multiple slow-bleeding internal wounds, accompanied by fits of projectile vomiting and unbearable headaches?

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Large explosions are always cool.

Although acupuncture actually has benefits.

[Adrian II]

Large explosions are always cool.

Although acupuncture actually has benefits.

Start you own thread.

Come to think of it, I want to see her projectile-vomit.

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Start you own thread.

Come to think of it, I want to see her projectile-vomit.

Everyone likes explosions.

[Adrian II]

Everyone likes explosions.

Sorry mate, of course everyone likes explosions.

It's just that I don't want to discuss any of those crappy therapies anymore. I want to kill!

[Crazed Rabbit]

Tell the quack that his life can be bettered by a simple chemical compound application, similar to aroma therapy. Advise a combination of nitrates, often found in plant fertilizer, and a specific fractional distillate of certain long chains of hydrocarbons. Have him make several liters, then light it for a soothing experience that will make all his worldly problems fade away.

CR

EDIT: I'm sure there's some chemicals that make you throw up violently. Consider containment in a gel capsule so the pills can be taken before a fancy dinner of sorts (a scientific lecture would be best) and then dissolve.

[Adrian II]

Have him make several liters, then light it for a soothing experience that will make all his worldly problems fade away.

Hmm. An added benefit would be that both her house (it's a she-devil) and 'medical' office would go up in flames. Up in the air rather, leaving no more than a large hole in the ground for her no doubt undeserving SO's to inherit.

EDIT: I'm sure there's some chemicals that make you throw up violently. Consider containment in a gel capsule so the pills can be taken before a fancy dinner of sorts (a scientific lecture would be best) and then dissolve.

Actually it would be nice if the woman herself dissolved. Entirely. After a suitable period of projectile vomiting, of course.

Keep em coming, guys.

[Crazed Rabbit]

Have you heard about the effects of cholera? Biological instead of chemical, but worth considering. Alas, modern medicine can treat it pretty easily (hmm, that much fluid is coming out, so we'll put that much more in).

And if you gave her some vomit inducing chemical and cholera...

CR

*Um, it should be noted all my suggestions are entirely in jest.

[woad&fangs]

Step 1: find a copy of "Bibliotheca historica" by the Roman historian Diodorus Siculus.

Step 2: Buy sufficient quantity of Limewater(concentrated CaOH2)

Step 3: Find teh Quack

Step 4: restrain teh quack

step 5: Open Bibliotheca to the section on Gauls using limewater to bleach their hair.

step 6: slowly pour your supply of limewater onto the quacks head.

step 7: watch and smile as the quacks skin, muscle, and hair is dissolved(painfully) into soap.

The Bibliotheca Historica will lead the investigators to believe she foolishy did this to herself because she was fascinated with Gallic history and wanted to imitate their hair style.



Edit: If you dump limewater on her head while giving her the previously mentioned sulfuric acid enema you would almost completely dissolve her. All that would be left would be a puddle of water(base+acid=water) and soap.

[Vladimir]

Forget the murder, get a new friend. This one lacks sense, reason, and respect for* her trusted friends. It's the easiest way to purge yourself from such a dilemma.

*important edit.

[Ironside]

Well, here's another funny substance to your body needs to uhm balance :

pyridoxine (aka Vitamin B6)
A severe overdose will cause a feeling of disembodiment common with the loss of proprioception, due to temporary deadening of the nerves controlling that.
And more longterm side effects are sensory neuropathy.

Both thingies are reversible when you stop taking such doses.

A fitting punishment for people claiming to know their (and your) body don't you think?

[Uesugi Kenshin]

Forget the murder, get a new friend. This one lacks sense, reason, and respect for* her trusted friends. It's the easiest way to purge yourself from such a dilemma.

*important edit.

That's really cold, and in my opinion just a really selfish way to deal with such a situation. Not to derail the thread from it's lighter tone, but what's the point of having friends if they aren't around to help each other out? I understand her desperation, though I don't get why she would grasp at such ridiculous methods of "treatment" but to abandon her for that? That's heartless.

[Vladimir]

That's really cold, and in my opinion just a really selfish way to deal with such a situation. Not to derail the thread from it's lighter tone, but what's the point of having friends if they aren't around to help each other out? I understand her desperation, though I don't get why she would grasp at such ridiculous methods of "treatment" but to abandon her for that? That's heartless.

He is around to help her out and she's dragging him down with her; that isn't a friend. It seems like she thinks she knows it all and the concerns of her friends be damned. Who's the cold one?

I'm also speaking within the context of the thread.

[InsaneApache]

Have you ever heard that old English adage, "A friend in need is a friend indeed"?

Or the phrase 'Fairweather friend'.

[Rhyfelwyr]

He is around to help her out and she's dragging him down with her; that isn't a friend. It seems like she thinks she knows it all and the concerns of her friends be damned. Who's the cold one?

I'm also speaking within the context of the thread.

The friend is obviously recovering a pretty traumatic time in her life. Even if she seems to be cold and ignoring Adrian, she needs her friends more than ever just now and Adrian should just carry on trying to pull her back on track.

And I've heard IA's saying here in Scotland too, and there's a lot of truth in it.

[Uesugi Kenshin]

He is around to help her out and she's dragging him down with her; that isn't a friend. It seems like she thinks she knows it all and the concerns of her friends be damned. Who's the cold one?

I'm also speaking within the context of the thread.

Ummm she's dragging him down? No, she's desperate and in need of support. In this situation a real friend will try to convince her to put her faith in effective treatments and stay by her side until she recovers. To leave a friend in dire need of support proves only one thing, you never really were her friend, or at least not a very close friend. As IA said you'd be a fairweather friend, or a friend who only sticks around when all is peachy and runs at the slightest sign of trouble or difficulty. How do you expect to ever have meaningful relationships with people if you abandon them as weaklings when they "drag you down?"

She is not being cold. She's just trying to figure out a solution to an extremely difficult situation, to some extent you can't blame her for trying everything even if these treatments are misguided. I may be wrong but I think Adrian is doing the right thing here, he's sticking around for her and trying to convince her to seek more effective treatments, rather than jumping ship.

Adrian I'm really sorry your friend is sick and trying these crazy treatments, I hope she sees the light soon.

[Crazed Rabbit]

Apparently nitrates and hydrocarbon chains are passe, so here's something else.
Get a strong, large steel pipe (2' long, 0.5' diameter). Cap each end. Fill the bottom 75% or so with hot water. Insert a very fine mesh, then pile on a mix of 75% iron oxide (rust) and 25% aluminum powder up to the top cap. Drill a very small hole in the top cap, and insert a strip of magnesium. Tell the quack that by lighting the magnesium, the water will warm and give off vapor, that, as it passes through the bed of rust and aluminum, will pick up ideal amounts and so balance the mineral levels of her body. They'll adjust the harmonic vibrations as affected by the earth's magnetic field. Or something. Just don't be near when she lights it.

CR