How to murder a quack?

[Adrian II]

Someone in my circle (not my wife thank god) survived a cancer but never completely recovered from the multiple operations and other invasive therapies. Over the years she has resorted more and more to quackery: homeopathy, osteopathy, crystal therapy and finally, in a fit of idiocy, 'orthomolecular medicine'. As a result of the latter, her metabolism is now so ****** up and her resistance so weakened that she can hardly walk five miles or stay awake for an entire day.

For years I have tried to keep her out of the quacks' hands with jokes ('homeopathic medicine is perfectly alright as long as it's infinitely diluted'), persuasion (I fired the entire battery of evidence-based medicine at her) and finally pleading. To no avail. So I am now left with only one option: kill the orthomolecular quack. I want to do this professionally, but I want to enjoy it as well.

Can any of you recommend a fitting way for this 'therapist' to go? Shall I drown the old fart in a brew of whole grains, rotten prunes and infinitely diluted cow dung? Shall I pierce her motoric nerves one by one with acupuncture needles, or shall I force her to eat finely ground mountain crystal resulting in organ failure and a lengthy and painful death struggle?

I am open to suggestion.

[InsaneApache]

Sulphuric acid enema.

[Adrian II]

Sulphuric acid enema.

Sounds good. What does it do? Cause multiple slow-bleeding internal wounds, accompanied by fits of projectile vomiting and unbearable headaches?

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Large explosions are always cool.

Although acupuncture actually has benefits.

[Adrian II]

Large explosions are always cool.

Although acupuncture actually has benefits.

Start you own thread.

Come to think of it, I want to see her projectile-vomit.

[Crazed Rabbit]

Tell the quack that his life can be bettered by a simple chemical compound application, similar to aroma therapy. Advise a combination of nitrates, often found in plant fertilizer, and a specific fractional distillate of certain long chains of hydrocarbons. Have him make several liters, then light it for a soothing experience that will make all his worldly problems fade away.

CR

EDIT: I'm sure there's some chemicals that make you throw up violently. Consider containment in a gel capsule so the pills can be taken before a fancy dinner of sorts (a scientific lecture would be best) and then dissolve.

[Adrian II]

Have him make several liters, then light it for a soothing experience that will make all his worldly problems fade away.

Hmm. An added benefit would be that both her house (it's a she-devil) and 'medical' office would go up in flames. Up in the air rather, leaving no more than a large hole in the ground for her no doubt undeserving SO's to inherit.

EDIT: I'm sure there's some chemicals that make you throw up violently. Consider containment in a gel capsule so the pills can be taken before a fancy dinner of sorts (a scientific lecture would be best) and then dissolve.

Actually it would be nice if the woman herself dissolved. Entirely. After a suitable period of projectile vomiting, of course.

Keep em coming, guys.

[Crazed Rabbit]

Have you heard about the effects of cholera? Biological instead of chemical, but worth considering. Alas, modern medicine can treat it pretty easily (hmm, that much fluid is coming out, so we'll put that much more in).

And if you gave her some vomit inducing chemical and cholera...

CR

*Um, it should be noted all my suggestions are entirely in jest.

[Adrian II]

Have you heard about the effects of cholera? Biological instead of chemical, but worth considering. Alas, modern medicine can treat it pretty easily

Yeah, modern medicine can treat that pretty easily - but she can't!

Now we're getting somewhere. I feel it. Good thinking, Rabbit.

[ICantSpellDawg]

The only "natural methods" that really do any good are the ones that are adulterated with controlled substances. Take it from me - I sell vitamins and other quackery. Put her kids head, stuffed with an incendiary device, into a box and leave it on her doorstep.

Your frustration level is pretty high these days. Do you have diabetes?

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Start you own thread.

Come to think of it, I want to see her projectile-vomit.

Everyone likes explosions.

[Adrian II]

Everyone likes explosions.

Sorry mate, of course everyone likes explosions.

It's just that I don't want to discuss any of those crappy therapies anymore. I want to kill!

[Tribesman]

Oh dear Adrian such a dilema , the method should be both entertaining and educational .
Might I suggest that you get holdof one of them good old fashioned agricultural balance scales , string the quack by the neck on one end then see how many dietry supplements need to be added to the other end to bring the two into balance .
If the ladies theory about balance is correct then she will survive of course .

[DemonArchangel]

The sulfuric acid enema was a brilliant idea. I suggest using a straight razor so that she will receive multiple shallow cuts, rub the cuts with "infinitely diluted cow dung" and see what happens.

[Adrian II]

Your frustration level is pretty high these days. Do you have diabetes?

No. But I have a close acquaintance who is slowly dying because of alternative therapies.

I've done a little Googling and it appears that vomiting is a symptom of malaria. Now, how to combine that with the scales and the enema?

*brooding*

[ICantSpellDawg]

No. But I have a close acquaintance who is slowly dying because of alternative therapies.

I've done a little Googling and it appears that vomiting is a symptom of malaria. Now, how to combine that with the scales and the enema?

*brooding*

Have her legitimate doctors test her cortisol levels. It turns out that they never do that. Last year I lost 20 pounds (I weighed 150lbs at 5'11 before i got sick) over 4 months and stopped being able to stand up to pee. I would lay in bed for days. I started feeling nauseous every day and having panic attacks. Occasionally I would throw up over 15 times for 10 hours straight. My sodium levels plummeted and I was getting dehydrated for no reason. I craved pickles, Reuben sandwiches and other salty foods. The doctors had no idea what was going on. My skin all over my chest became covered with deep purple blotches and I was having a hard time walking and breathing. THe rest of my body became tanner than a hispanic (I am Irish). The feeling of doom was overwhelming in everything that I did. It was aweful. My girlfriend thought that my liver was finally failing (i have a liver disease that has an average life expectancy of 10 years without TX - I was diagnosed 10 years ago)

The 3rd time that I was hospitalized (not counting nearly 7 or 8 doctors visits) during that 4 month period they finally figured it out; my adrenal cortex was no longer producing cortisol. It's pretty rare, probably because people just go into shock and die from it and doctors NEVER test cortisol levels.

[woad&fangs]

Step 1: find a copy of "Bibliotheca historica" by the Roman historian Diodorus Siculus.

Step 2: Buy sufficient quantity of Limewater(concentrated CaOH2)

Step 3: Find teh Quack

Step 4: restrain teh quack

step 5: Open Bibliotheca to the section on Gauls using limewater to bleach their hair.

step 6: slowly pour your supply of limewater onto the quacks head.

step 7: watch and smile as the quacks skin, muscle, and hair is dissolved(painfully) into soap.

The Bibliotheca Historica will lead the investigators to believe she foolishy did this to herself because she was fascinated with Gallic history and wanted to imitate their hair style.



Edit: If you dump limewater on her head while giving her the previously mentioned sulfuric acid enema you would almost completely dissolve her. All that would be left would be a puddle of water(base+acid=water) and soap.

[Rhyfelwyr]

OK just joking.

But seriously, that medicine stuff is a waste of time.

[Gregoshi]

Edit: If you dump limewater on her head while giving her the previously mentioned sulfuric acid enema you would almost completely dissolve her. All that would be left would be a puddle of water(base+acid=water) and soap.

Ah, that makes for a clean getaway. Perfect for fowl play. Add insult to injury by sending her a bill.

BTW, sorry about your friend Adrian.

[Papewaio]

TuffStuffMcGruff, you sir really deserve the title of Tuff.

=][=

Science kicks butt, but I prefer to see it used for life rather then death.

=][=

Now as I am a fan of science and science fiction. Have a degree in Physics and am a 'devout atheist'/'Grown up in a Christian household' and have experimented with organized religion (those who read Zindel's Neverwinter would understand).

I for one am wholly against quackery. I'm also a stern understander of the laws of nature whose corollary in economics is that a fool and their money are soon parted. However I've had cancer and I understand the despair that one goes through. I also understand that belief in the cure and praise of oneself is a powerful way for the mind to get the body going. Sure the new age stuff doesn't actually work and if she used and science she would be better off. But hope and laughter is a powerful medicine all of its own.

You can't change her mind, but you can make her laugh, cry, enjoy life. You can instill Joie de vivre and Wa into your friends. She might die quicker from quackery but you can give her quality until then. If she must burn out fast, let her burn brightly.

PS

Any more talking of assassination will have to lead to the closing of this thread.

[Ironside]

While trying to find things a bit more fitting for a 'orthomolecular medicine' practitioner (I mean an acupuncture bomb, hello ) tomorrow, skin cream with fhydroflouric acid would be a nice start.

Wiki on the safety issues of hydroflouric acid below.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Hydrofluoric acid is corrosive and a contact poison. It should be handled with extreme care, beyond that accorded to other mineral acids, in part because of its low dissociation constant, which allows HF to penetrate tissue more quickly. Symptoms of exposure to hydrofluoric acid may not be immediately evident. HF interferes with nerve function and burns may not initially be painful. Accidental exposures can go unnoticed, delaying treatment and increasing the extent and seriousness of the injury. HF is known to etch bone, and since it penetrates the skin it essentially breaks the person's bones without destroying the skin

Maybe 'restoring' the body balance of methyl mercaptan, although that will probably make everyone else vomit aswell and it isn't lethal.

[ICantSpellDawg]

TuffStuffMcGruff, you sir really deserve the title of Tuff.

=][=

Science kicks butt, but I prefer to see it used for life rather then death.

=][=

Now as I am a fan of science and science fiction. Have a degree in Physics and am a 'devout atheist'/'Grown up in a Christian household' and have experimented with organized religion (those who read Zindel's Neverwinter would understand).

I for one am wholly against quackery. I'm also a stern understander of the laws of nature whose corollary in economics is that a fool and their money are soon parted. However I've had cancer and I understand the despair that one goes through. I also understand that belief in the cure and praise of oneself is a powerful way for the mind to get the body going. Sure the new age stuff doesn't actually work and if she used and science she would be better off. But hope and laughter is a powerful medicine all of its own.

You can't change her mind, but you can make her laugh, cry, enjoy life. You can instill Joie de vivre and Wa into your friends. She might die quicker from quackery but you can give her quality until then. If she must burn out fast, let her burn brightly.

PS

Any more talking of assassination will have to lead to the closing of this thread.

It has only stayed open this long because it was Adrian who posted it!

[InsaneApache]

Originally Posted by woad&fangs
Edit: If you dump limewater on her head while giving her the previously mentioned sulfuric acid enema you would almost completely dissolve her. All that would be left would be a puddle of water(base+acid=water) and soap.

A word of caution here. Limewater is an alkali so be careful when introducing it to the sulphuric acid. After all we wouldn't want any accidents now, would we.

If time is not a problem how about force feeding her polar bear liver. You even have the bonus of projectile vomiting. The jobs a good 'un.

[seireikhaan]

Tell the quack to drink two cups of liquid nitrogen each day to properly 'ventilate' the internal organs and ensure they don't 'overheat'.

[Papewaio]

It has only stayed open this long because it was Adrian who posted it!

Well Interpol takes awhile to act...

[Alexander the Pretty Good]

You could watch Dexter for inspiration.

[Fragony]

Go voodoo on her

[Adrian II]

BTW, sorry about your friend Adrian.

Thanks, mate.

She is not dying from cancer, she conquered it. It's her weakened condition that she is trying to fight. Maybe she isn't dying, but she keeps getting weaker, and the worst thing is that she keeps fighting the bad results of the one [bleeping] quackery with the promises of the next [bleeping] quackery. And each quack has the same approach: 'Oh, but you should have stayed away entirely from [insert previous quack], you should have come straight to me. My [insert preposterous bull****] is precisely what you need. Now let me take a sample of your hair to establish your saturated magnesium level, darling.'

Aaargh!!!

All they do is take her money without a thank you. At one time she spent 200 euro on consultations with an Italian barber-turned-magical-cancer-doctor who is now being prosecuted in three countries and wanted by Interpol. Go figure.

Well vomiting is horrible so I say go with explosions.

Notice the contradiction there? Alright, alright, I know you mean well. Your acupuncture-needle-bomb caused a classic breakfast coffee splash over my computer keyboard. That's rich. That happens to me once a year, at the most.

@ Papewaio Thanks for indulging my rant - though I think it is so obviously a rant that no one wil take this seriously, least of all me. And you bet I make her laugh whenever I can, I work on her Wa and her Qi and her Zu and all the other excuses for self-respect. And last week her boyfriend and I and some others have bodily schlepped her to a gym where she can do all the fitness exercises that do not exhaust her and which she can stop any time she doesn't feel up to them. She says it's working and that's good enough for me. Next problem is her metabolism. She has been off all kinds of food (oh, the foul molecules in meat, cooking oil, apples, etcetera etcereta) and this includes protein-rich stuff and certain vitamins. Her bacterial flora has totally changed and the trouble is she can't change it back without being sick all the time. But she'll get there. She beat off cancer, and now she'll beat off the quacks, period.

[Papewaio]

Okay I'll revise my statement.

Keep the techniques wacky and quacky, no standard fertilser bombs or get them drunk and then open a bottle of ammonia.

How about giving them a german shepard and then exchanging their essence oil to the pheromones of a bitch in heat.

[English assassin]

Simple. Leave some Breatharian literature at her house.

Now, sure, if someone told YOU that it was possible to live without eating anything at all, you would know at once they were one biscuit short of a packet. YOU wouldn't starve yourself slowly to death, all the while wracked with guilt that your inability to thrive on a Breatharian diet must somehow indicated some deep spiritual failing.

But then you aren't a quack.

Here is all is: http://www.breatharian.com/ I haven't laughed so much since Ken Livingstone lost the election. Check out the explanation of the five dimensional properties of a McDonald’s double-quarter-pounder with cheese meal under the FAQ.

DO YOU KNOW THE BASE FREQUENCY OF THE DOUBLE-QUARTER-POUNDER WITH CHEESE MEAL FROM MCDONALD AND DIET COKE?

Well, do you, punk?