Someone in my circle (not my wife thank god) survived a cancer but never completely recovered from the multiple operations and other invasive therapies. Over the years she has resorted more and more to quackery: homeopathy, osteopathy, crystal therapy and finally, in a fit of idiocy, 'orthomolecular medicine'. As a result of the latter, her metabolism is now so ****** up and her resistance so weakened that she can hardly walk five miles or stay awake for an entire day.

For years I have tried to keep her out of the quacks' hands with jokes ('homeopathic medicine is perfectly alright as long as it's infinitely diluted'), persuasion (I fired the entire battery of evidence-based medicine at her) and finally pleading. To no avail. So I am now left with only one option: kill the orthomolecular quack. I want to do this professionally, but I want to enjoy it as well.

Can any of you recommend a fitting way for this 'therapist' to go? Shall I drown the old fart in a brew of whole grains, rotten prunes and infinitely diluted cow dung? Shall I pierce her motoric nerves one by one with acupuncture needles, or shall I force her to eat finely ground mountain crystal resulting in organ failure and a lengthy and painful death struggle?

I am open to suggestion.