The Basileus is crazy

[Aaldaemon]

Suddenly, the figure started to speak. In a deep clear voice, carrying across the entire agora, he proclaimed:
-"I have a dream" and then slumped from the podium collapsing in a pile of unrecognisable bodyparts. Realising that it was just Pyrrhus, the people wandered home again, hopefully to catch some sleep before the sun arose and signaled the start of the new day.

Hahahahahaha. That cracked me up. Been a while since I had such a spontaneous laugh. Thank you General Appo.

[General Appo]

Thou art most welcome.
In the future I will refer to every year as being 4 AGJ, 645 AGJ and the like, to honour Pyrrhos Great Journey. AGJ of course standing for After Great Journey.

[d'Arthez]

Never knew they had extensive wine production in Ireland or Scotland. Else I REALLY would doubt Pyrrhus his sanity.

As for the bearded womenfolk ...

[General Appo]

Chapter 6: A time of War

Pyrrhos unexpected departure from Kypros has left Helenos devastated, and so he falls ever deeper into his many vices, gaining reputation as the most despicable man in the entire world, though he is both to drunk and stupid to either notice or care. He also uses this time to gain a truly enourmous stomach, earning him the name Helenos the Fat, something which he does not seem to object to.


The final drop for the people of Salamis comes when Helenos insists on reading his poetry to them, which is so bad that just a single sentence can make a man go mad.


The people of Salamis gets their chance when Helenos is away to compete in the Olympiakoi Agones, during a festival they chase the mostly drunk or sleeping soldiers away from the city, and quickly set about to arm themselves.
Incredibly, Helenos wins the games in the greatest scandal ever to have occured. He was so ill-conditioned the he could not even finish the stadion, and yet the judges awarded him the olive branch. After the crowd acussed him of bribery and started throwing stones after him, he had to be hustled away and quickly boarded the ship back to Kypros.
His brother Alexandros had also participated, and would probably have less for the judges unusal decision.


When Helenos returned to Kypros he found his army camped a few miles outside Salamis, and quickly ordered them to retake the city. First however he contacts some Galatian mercenaries who soon joins his army as they surround the town. The people of Salamis have armed themselves in the only way the can, as Iphikratous Hoplitai, and though impressive looking Helenos´s captains are certain their inflexibilty will be their downfall.


Soon however Helenos grows tired of besieging this backwater town, he wishes to conquer a greater city where he can live in the opulence which he deserves.
This chance is about to present itself to him.


Meantime Pyrrhos has reached Krete, where without even bothering to meet with his oldest son Ptolemaios, he simply loads aboard the prepared soldiers and sets sail again, this time towards Cape Tainaron, the famous gathering place of mercenaries from all across the Hellenic world. Here he hires many men to aid him in his glorious mission, mostly young Galatians and brave Karians, but also some mounted nobles from Thessalia.
When Pyrrhos sets sail Syrakousai, he does so with a great army, worthy of conquering the end of the world.


Around this time Ptolemaios one daughter, Nereis, have fallen in love with one of Ptolemaios´s captain, an Illyrian named Echemens Aulonites, who strongly shares her love. This man is part of the Illyrian tribe of Autariatai, and his ancestors have long served well in the armies of Epirus, so Ptolemaios is delighted when his daughter informs him of their love.


They soon marry, but not long afterwards Echemenes is called out on a mission.



The city of Halikarnassos and most of the region of Karia was a few years ago captured by the Epeirotes allies the Seleukids, however the region has now declared its independence, and joined the league of Greek cities. As this leauge is Ptolemaios and Echemenes sworn enemy this cannot be allowed.
As so Echemenes begin outfitting an army to invade Karia with, and defeat the threacherous Greeks.
He gathers men from both Krete and Rhodos, including some light artillery. He intends to besiege Halikarnassos and shoot down anyone who attemps to exit the city gates. When Halikarnassos falls, the rest of the Karian cities and tribes will soon realise the inevitable, and swear alliegance to Echemenes.
His plans are disturbed though, for no sooner have his army set up camp before a small Greek force comes to the relief of the city, and its garrison streams out to fight him.



In Sicily, the Karchedoi armies have temporarily abandoned their attemps at conquering Syrakousai, and insted invaded the northeastern part of the island. Though a combined army from many Greek cities and towns manages to beat them back, they suffer heavy casualties, and most cities are worried for their future. Therefore they seek the protection of Alexandros and Syrakousai, who is more then willing to give it to them.
The major city in this part of the island, Messana, refuses to acknowledge Syrakousai as its master, and conducts raids upon the territory of Alexandros´s allies. This cannot go unpunished, and so Alexandros prepares his army and besieges Messana.


After a brief stop at Malta where the fearful natives provided him with supplies despite being under Karchedoi control, Pyrrhos have now passed the city of Karkhēdōn and his proceeding along the coast of Lybia. Word has been sent to all Karchedoi cities and allies of Pyrrhos approach, but Pyrrhos travels with the wind in his sails, and the warning arrives to late for many, as Pyrrhos´s army plunders the shores of Mashiliem.


News from across the world reaches the scattered family of Aiakides. The Arche Seleukeia is doing well for itself, not only having driven the Ptolemaioi from Syria and Phoinike, they have expelled them from their last strongholds in Asia Minor, the cities of Tarsos and Side.


Rumours are also abound that they have stabilised their position against the nomads in the east, and much land north of Kappadokia and Media has fallen to them.

The up-and-coming kingdom of Pontos has established itself as the major power in the north of Asia Minor, having not only defeated the kingdom of Bithynia but also the Greek colony of Sinope.


The Romani are also doing well, at least against the Keltoi north of them. They have conquered much land, and is in the process of taking even more.


However they have still not managed to overthrow the Romani turncoats in Rhegion, despite numerous attempts.

So ends the 1st year AGJ, just one single year have passed since Pyrrhos left on his great journey, and already much has happened. There is war on all fronts of the scattered kingdom of the Aiakides, and much conquest awaits.

Next chapter: Sieges and battles.

[General Appo]

Sorry for the cliffhanger chapter guys, but that´s pretty much were I am right now.
My little empire has gone from peaceful to war-on-all-fronts in just one year, not sure how it happened really.
For those wondering, Helenos actually got most of those traits by himself, I only helped him along a bit. He did get Vogon Poet all by himself.

[Hax]

Epic...just epic.

[General Appo]

Indeed. Never got that before, except when testing (with cheats).

Also, what is the name of that mercenary place in southern Lakonike? I remember someone said it some time ago, but can´t find the thread.

[d'Arthez]

Cape Tainaron

[Ibrahim]

as long as I can laugh still from merely reading post 1, Cliffhangers are ok.
makes me wonder: would a roman AAR titled "the senate is on drugs/LSD" sound as funny?

[General Appo]

Cape Tainaron

Ah, thank you.

makes me wonder: would a roman AAR titled "the senate is on drugs/LSD" sound as funny?

He, sounds like a nice idea. If I ever get the chance, I might just start one. What could be funnier then the Senate deciding that the Sarmatians have to be conquered while the Epeirotes are still running wild in Italy?

I have the pictures uploaded for probably at leat 3 chapters, but I´ve yet to find time to actually make the chapters. Also, I know I said the next chapter will be named Sieges and battles, but at that time I didn´t think I´d have so many and large battles, so I´m afraid I´ll have to change the name.

[Ibrahim]

Ah, thank you.


He, sounds like a nice idea. If I ever get the chance, I might just start one. What could be funnier then the Senate deciding that the Sarmatians have to be conquered while the Epeirotes are still running wild in Italy?

I have the pictures uploaded for probably at leat 3 chapters, but I´ve yet to find time to actually make the chapters. Also, I know I said the next chapter will be named Sieges and battles, but at that time I didn´t think I´d have so many and large battles, so I´m afraid I´ll have to change the name.

or the random decision to dress all soldiers like Gaesatae, or worse still, like the opposite sex of what they are supposed to be
in any case, that poem should have been shown in EB origional-this is so stupid and yet so funny!

[General Appo]

Sorry guys for the delay, but I´ve been busy. Busy playing other EB campaigns that is.
Anyway, I hope to get some work done this week, especially as I don´t intend to sleep tonight. That´s right, I´ll be working 24 hours without a break just for your entertainment. Somebody give me a medal, and then a cappucino or even better, raw caffeine.

[Aaldaemon]

Sorry guys for the delay, but I´ve been busy. Busy playing other EB campaigns that is.
Anyway, I hope to get some work done this week, especially as I don´t intend to sleep tonight. That´s right, I´ll be working 24 hours without a break just for your entertainment. Somebody give me a medal, and then a cappucino or even better, raw caffeine.

Get back to producing an update! Or I'll give you a taste of my Vogon poetry!!!

[Lysimachos]

That´s right, I´ll be working 24 hours without a break just for your entertainment.

This is madness!

[Aaldaemon]

This is madness!

MADNESSSS? THISSSSSS ISSSSSSS PYRRRRRHHHOOOOS!!!

Sorry but I had to say it. Just could not abstain.

[Happy balroae]

great AAR by the way is indolent lardy arse a real trait or did you add it somehow

[Aaldaemon]

great AAR by the way is indolent lardy arse a real trait or did you add it somehow

{Indolent_Lardy_Arse} Indolent Lardy Arse

{Indolent_Lardy_Arse_desc}
Not even the danger of battle can inspire this man to rouse himself from his comfortable torpor.

{Indolent_Lardy_Arse_effects_desc}
-4 Management, -20% to Movement Points (reduces the distance armies can march).

{Indolent_Lardy_Arse_epithet_desc} the Fat

Believe it or not, it's a real trait.

[General Appo]

Indeed it is. Thank you for your appreciation, it is in return much appreciated.
I must admit, I won´t actually ne working 24 hours. I´ll be forced to take a 2 hour break for my football training, but apart from that, it´ll just be hard work.
Well, I´m off to stack up on some vital pills.

[Happy balroae]

thanks for telling me about the trait. ive had some lazy generals in my time but none as bad as that.
o and we have the largest number of bearded women in scotland (it might not be something to be proud of but still at least were best at something)

[General Appo]

Chapter 7: Rain of death

The new man of the Aiakides family finds himself in a sticky situation, as a small greek force of hoplites challenges his army outside of Halikarnassos, and is joined by the city´s garrison.


The Illyrian Echemenes army is unprepared for a field battle, for he had outfitted it with a lengthy siege in mind. As such, it is full of missile troops, archers from Krete and slingers and small artillery from Rhodos. A contignent of Hoplitai and Thorakitai gave the army at least some semblance of a steady battle line, but the only cavalry was that of Echemenes bodyguard, all nobles and companions of the man, outfitted in expensive armour and trained to a fault to deliver a devastating charge. But what they had in quality, the lacked in quantity.


Despite the bad position Echemenes is excited to for the first time ever lead soldiers in a real battle, and not the small skirmishes and raids of the enemies wine supplies that he had conducted back in Epeiros. He prepares for battles and orders his men into position.


The plan if to first wear out the relief army with missiles and then rout it in time to let the support troops focus on the garrison. The army is ready and eager for battle, awaiting the spoils of victory.


The light artillery begins the battle by firing their large spears against the enemy Hoplitai, many of them having been set on fire (the spears, not the Hoplitai).


The spears are soon joined in the air by the burning arrows of the Kretans and the lead bullets of the slingers.



As fire rains upon the Hoplitai they steadfastly advances upon Echemenes army, despite losing many men to the lands of Hades.
Soon they have come close enough that the Thorakitai can throw the light javelins towards their ranks, causing many casualties and sending the Hoplitai into disarray.


Echemenes´s Hoplitai are of a better trained and equipped sort than the greeks, and when they charge the enemy almost breaks under the pressure.


When Echemenes and his bodyguard then charges into the Hoplitai and the Thorakitai releases a second volley followed by a devastating charge the greeks flee, and their commander is cut down almost at once.


Echemenes participates in the following chase with great vigour, but orders his men to prepare to face the garrison.


The garrison consists almost entirely of unarmoured men, poor skirmishers and Hoplitai, supportive cavalry that barely deserves the name, and worst of all, some freed slaves have been allowed to join the army. Truly this is a despicable foe Echemenes meets, one which the gods will surely see fit to punish with eternal damnation in the deepest pits of Tartarus. But just in case the gods are busy, Echemenes army stands ready to give them the same treatment.
As such the Kretans, the slingers and the artillery all open fire at once, to release a rain of death and fire upon the enemy. One man who has witnessed a mountain bursting and firing hot rock from its belly observes the similarities to that moment. For the poor greeks, it must indeed seem as if they have already died and gone to Tartarus.


The greek commanders urges their men forward in spite of the horrendous slaughter. Their formation completely gone, they simply stumble forward, blinded by the fire and deafened by the screams of agony from dying comrades.


The Hoplitai and Thorakitai watches the enemy move forward towards them, and the Thorakitai throws their last javelins, causing further confusion amongst the enemy ranks.


As the enemy is unable to find an enemy to engage, the Kretans continue their slaugher of the unarmoured men.


Finally the greek Hoplitai manages to locate the artillery handlers and the Rhodioi slingers, but these put up a fierce fight.


In the meantime Echemenes is busy riding down the slaves and skirmishers, as the rest of the enemy Hoplitai are driven to flight by volley after volley of burning arrows.


The artillery handlers and slingers fight with incredible ferocity, and are able to hold back the enemy while their own Hoplitai and Thorakitai attacks the slaves and skirmishers.


The enemy cavalry now seeks to join the fight against the artillery handlers and slingers, but the Kretans spot them and slay many before they even reach their target.


The slaves put up a fight, but in the end they have no chance, and they know it.


Echemenes dislodges his bodyguard from the fight against the slaves, and instead rides to the assistance of the artillery handlers and slingers.


His arrival is most timely and gives the slingers the chance to reform and then charge the enemy again, finally routing them.


All across the battlefield the enemy runs for their lives, but none runs for the doomed city, all aims for the countryside, where they have at least a chance for survival.


Echemens army stands strong and proud as masters of the battlefields. The army has lost few men, all easily replacable from Rhodos and Krete. The greeks however, have had their entire army and garrison annihilated and now the city stands undefended.



Envoys from the Halikarnassos soon arrives to Echemenes camp to offer their surrender and beg for mercy. Echemenes accepts and enters the city as a merciful liberator rather than brutal conqueror.
Within soon most of the rest of the cities and tribes of Karia have offered their surrender to Echemenes.


Next chapter: Great Plans and Raiding Mashiliem

[General Appo]

So, it´s 3 AM and I´m still up, doing my share for the community. What are you doing to help society?
I´ve almost run out of coffee and the sugar pills just don´t have the same effect anymore, I might have to break out the ammonia.

[Ibrahim]

nice new addition. but whatever happen to Alexander Aiakides? I haven't heard of him for a while...

[General Appo]

nice new addition. but whatever happen to Alexander Aiakides? I haven't heard of him for a while...

His last appearance was in chapter 6, so it hasn´t been that long. Also, his name is Alexand[I]dros[I]. I keep forgetting that all the time when writing about him.
Anyway, he´ll play a major role in chapter 9, so don´t worry.

Anyway, after some hours of work, here´s a small update on the doing of Pyrrhos and Helenos.

[General Appo]

Chapter 8: Great Plans and Raiding Mashiliem

In Kypros, Helenos abandons his soldiers to continue the siege without him, for he has a great new plan in mind. About one year earlier, Pyrrhos allies the Seleukids had captured the great city of Sidon, and with it the rest of Phoinike, the homeland of the Phoiníkē, ancestors of the Karchedoi.
Now an army of Ptolemaios II Philadelphos was besieging the city, and would surely take it. The Seleukids were desperate not to see this happen, but had no armies nearby that could be spared, and so called all their allies for aid.
Helenos here saw a great many dreams that could come true. Firstly, he would gain a great deal of fame and glory by taking the ancient city of Sidon. Secondly it would be a great blow both the Ptolemaioi and the Karchedoi, both sworn enemies of Helenos, who hated them utterly.
Most importantly however, it would get him away from the dreadful backwater island of Kypros, and make him master of a true city where he could truly indulge in opulence worthy of a man of his great stature.
So Helenos sailed with just his bodyguard to Phoinike, and when he arrives his men make contact with a force of Galatians who swear to fight under Helenos as long as they are paid.

Facing this army the Ptolemaioi forces soon retreat, and Helenos settles in for the boredom that is a lengthy siege.

In the meantime, Pyrrhos and his army has progressed along the coast of Mashiliem, raiding small farms and fishing villages along the way.
Now however Pyrrhos has heard of a much greater target. Captured merchants tell of the town of Ippone, that apparently acts as Karchedoi capital of this region. The town has been left almost unguarded, with just the Karchedoi governor his bodyguard acting as defenders of the town.

Sacking this town will not only feed and pay Pyrrhos men for much time, but also strike a great blow to the Karchedoi. If they cannot keep even their most distant allies safe then who will join them?

In either case, Pyrrhos and his army makes land near the town. Soon they are contacted by locals disgruntled with the Karchedoi rule. These men realise that Pyrrhos has not come to liberate them, or even to opress them, only to sack the Karchedoi treasury and granaries, and so strike a deal with Pyrrhos. They will aid his army in the assualt on Ippone, and in exchange they will be given room upon Pyrrhos ship when it leaves the shores of Mashiliem again.

Quite pleased with himself, Pyrrhos orders the attack upon the unsuspecting Karchedoi governor.
As a true warlord, Pyrrhos intends to keep his men in reserve, and let the locals take the casualties, as well as the glory.


The town is truly pitifully small, it is a true wonder that such an ancient people as the Karchedoi could possibly let it serve as capital of one of their dominions.


Pyrrhos army marches towards the town and prepares for battle. Pyrrhos is getting ever older (would be wierd if he wasn´t) but still led his picked cavalry bodyguard into battle, as befitts a true Basileus.



The local warriors advances on the town and their slingers fire away a few shoot towards the towns center where the brave but foolish Karchedoi commander has decided to make his last stand, slaying a few of his bodyguard as the local infantry enters the town.


Soon the locals have come marched into the town center, and are throwing their light javelins against the enemy. As battle commences it soon becomes clear that the Karchedoi are doomed.


One by one the horsemen are brought down by means of superior numbers, and soon Pyrrhos personally leds the charge and joins the fray.


Pyrrhos fights with great vigour and all his worries and troubles are forgotten as he cuts down the enemy.


Soon only the Karchedoi governor and less than a handful of bodyguards remain alive.


Pyrrhos attempts to make his way to the governor to deal the killing blow, but it is hard to say who exactly makes the vital strike.


The town is easily taken with next to no casualties.


The town is sacked and the entire Karchedoi population is sold as slaves and shipped to many destinations, including Massalia, Sicilia and Italia.


The town is then left to rot as Pyrrhos and his entire army including the newly recruited africans sail onwards, towards the end of the world.


Next chapter: Sons of Mamers

[Aaldaemon]

When you update, it doesn't rain, it pours. Two updates in quick succession = win. I particularly liked the fact you chose to present us an "epic" battle of 1493 men vs 33 men. Well, it was epic from the Carthaginian standpoint to be sure hehe.

Onwards to the end of the world!

[General Appo]

Indeed, perhaps I shall meet Abeakos once I get there.
Anyway, I´ll be out in the countryside most of the weekend, so while I´ll have internet access I won´t be playing any. Next week is the last in school though, so we quit early pretty much everyday, and I´ll hopefully have time to write at least one more chapter this week.

[Aaldaemon]

Indeed, perhaps I shall meet Abeakos once I get there.
Anyway, I´ll be out in the countryside most of the weekend, so while I´ll have internet access I won´t be playing any. Next week is the last in school though, so we quit early pretty much everyday, and I´ll hopefully have time to write at least one more chapter this week.

He's waiting there, with that dragon grin on his face... but you have to bring Helenos, because that would be the ultimate confrontation - Vogon Poetry vs the Dragon.

Enjoy your weekend! And remember to feature the Vogon some more.

[General Appo]

Ha, I´m afraid that that is all the existing Vogon poetry at the moment, so unless Douglas Adams is ressurected or I make up some of my own, I´m all out of it.
I could always do like Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings from Greenbridge, Essex, England, though that might be a bit extreme. Plus points if you have any idea what I´m talking about.

[Aaldaemon]

Ha, I´m afraid that that is all the existing Vogon poetry at the moment, so unless Douglas Adams is ressurected or I make up some of my own, I´m all out of it.
I could always do like Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings from Greenbridge, Essex, England, though that might be a bit extreme. Plus points if you have any idea what I´m talking about.

I read Douglas Adams a few years back, and it did wonders to my Laughing skill ... so I believe you're talking about the woman who wrote the worst poetry in the entire universe, no?

[Happy balroae]

i think he is but she died when the whole world blew up so that was ok