The Basileus is crazy

[Hax]

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[General Appo]

Then tell me how to get rid of that annoying shit in the corner!
Besides, that´s not my problem, my problem comes when I begin cutting my pictures. I know, I really suck. Anyway, got to play now.

[Emperor Burakuku]

Don't think if you can, but the pictures will be clean (without the annoying shit in the corner).
BTW dude, strangest AAR I've ever read, but very funny! Congrats!

[Timidus]

It wasn't clear, or maybe I missed it, but does Pyrrhus still rule in Epeiros as well (you say he withdrew the garrisons but the AAR doesn't mention whether the cities there then rebelled or were taken by any of the other factions after his withdrawal?)
I always wondered about the possibility of taking Pyrrhus - the leading military strategist of the time - to conquer Alexandria and Ptolemaic Egypt - the strongest (I think!) economic area of the time? If he could pull that off, and establish his economic base as well as having his military power in hand, Epeiros would clearly be a force to reckon with for a long time to come (and would certainly be a legacy to leave his sons to work with going forward)!
Maybe you have somewhat similar thoughts - starting with expansion in Syrakousai and Krete? Leaving each son a separate base of operations to expand from?

[General Appo]

It wasn't clear, or maybe I missed it, but does Pyrrhus still rule in Epeiros as well (you say he withdrew the garrisons but the AAR doesn't mention whether the cities there then rebelled or were taken by any of the other factions after his withdrawal?)
I always wondered about the possibility of taking Pyrrhus - the leading military strategist of the time - to conquer Alexandria and Ptolemaic Egypt - the strongest (I think!) economic area of the time? If he could pull that off, and establish his economic base as well as having his military power in hand, Epeiros would clearly be a force to reckon with for a long time to come (and would certainly be a legacy to leave his sons to work with going forward)!
Maybe you have somewhat similar thoughts - starting with expansion in Syrakousai and Krete? Leaving each son a separate base of operations to expand from?

Actually (as mentioned) Pyrrhus ordered them given away for free to the Thrakians. His diplomats couldn´t find any pure-blooded Thrakians, but decided the Getai were close enough, and so now Getai controlls all of Epeiros and Illyria Hellenike. They´re building huge armies in those two cities, and will hopefully use them soon.
As for planning ahead, I tend not to do that with these kind of campaigns. I´m just role-playing after their traits (okay, maybe I´m exaggarating Pyrrhus a bit) and havn´t planned what will happen when Pyrrhus dies, except that Helenos will probably become king and continue his daddy´s crazy crusade for wine and bearded women.
As for taking Egypt, that seems kinda smart, so definitely won´t be Pyrrhus next action. More likely he´ll go for some isolated backwater province with no use what so ever. But I´ll have to play and scout a bit more before I can tell any more detail.

Edit: Just like to add, that the army in the screenshot is actually my only one. The samnites and Brettians were disbanded after the battle and a unit of Thorakitai recruited, apart from that all I have is Alexandros and his bodyguards. So I only have 8 units at the moment, plus the 3 ships you get from the start.

[General Appo]

Chapter 3: He had a dream...

During one late night when Pyrrhus and Helenos were (as usual) drinking each other under, over, inside and atop the table, Pyrrhus suddenly got a brilliant idea. A masterplan that would ensure him complete domination of all the world and as much wine and bearded women he´d like. Eager to tell everyone about his plan, he ordered his guards to wake everyone in the city and gather them in the agora. After much rumbling and scuffing, several thousands of Rhodians had gathered in the emptied agora and were gazing sleepily at Pyrrhus.
Standing tall atop a marble podium, his eyes shined in the moonlight, and the torches cast strange shadows across his face, and the Rhodians were mighty impressed by his presence, many believing that it was one of the gods that had stepped down from the Olympos to speak to them.
Suddenly, the figure started to speak. In a deep clear voice, carrying across the entire agora, he proclaimed:
-"I have a dream" and then slumped from the podium collapsing in a pile of unrecognisable bodyparts. Realising that it was just Pyrrhus, the people wandered home again, hopefully to catch some sleep before the sun arose and signaled the start of the new day.

The next morning one of Pyrrhus captains asked what the dream had been he had planned to tell everyone about. Suffering from an enourmous hangover, having no memory of the nights incident and feeling like being an ass, Pyrrhus screamed that the captain bloody well knew what the dream was, to which the frigthened captain replied that of course he knew what it was.
Pyrrhus who was getting increasingly curious, ordered him to find out what the dream was by midnight or he and everyone else would be hanged.
The captain hurried from his masters presence, and summoned the other captains of Pyrrhus army and the most powerful of the local Rhodians. These held a long meeting to decide what they would tell Pyrrhus that his dream had been about. First someone proposed that he´d dreamed about jumping of a cliff, and though everyone enjoyed the idea they finally agreed that even he wouldn´t fall for that.

After some more debate they finally agreed, Pyrrhus had dreamed about capturing the island of Kypros. This was beneficial for everyone involved, apart from perhaps Pyrrhus.
The Rhodians wanted Pyrrhus away from their island, but they were also worried about the Ptolemais who had almost monopolised sea trade in the Levant. The conquest of Kypros by friendly forces would undoubtly start shifting the balance back to the Rhodians.
The captains wanted an easy target to plunder, rape and loot, an rumours said Ptolemy II had left the island almost undefended. The fleet would then deter any Ptolemaic attempts to retake the island.
When the captain told Pyrrhus of the nature of his dream, he was first very skeptical and unwilling to attack the territory of his ally and childhood friend Ptolemy. When the captain pointed out that Kypros was a large producer of wine however, Pyrrhus determination wavered.
The captain presented a compromise. If Ptolemy truly was such an good and faithful friend and ally, then he wouldn´t mind giving Kypros over to Pyrrhus would he? Pyrrhus agreed with this and sent an envoy to Alexandreia demanding Kypros to be handed over. Strangely enough, Ptolemy refused, and Pyrrhus was rightly shocked, and broke all ties with the Ptolemies, while striking a deal with their arch enemy the Seleukids to forever fight the Ptolemies.

Before the invasion of Kypros could begin however, Helenos requested he´d be allowed to enter into the olympic games that were soon to begin. Pyrrhus gladly agreed and wished to go there himself and participate, but his captains convinced him that wine was very sparse at the games. 51 years old and having serious back problems, this was probably the best for him.
Both Alexandros and Ptolemaios entered into the games as well, were they all meet for the first time in years. Ptolemaios and Alexandros embraced each other as true brothers, but Helenos was a bit more hesitant, mainly because he didn´t know which one of the two Alexandros he saw he should hug.
Amazingly, Helenos managed to not completely embarass himself during the games, though it was his oldest brother who accomplished the most amazing feat.
After many hours of hard training on Krete Ptolemaios condition and speed was excellent, and he won several of the running races, bringing great honor to himself and his scattered people.

Soon however things calmed down and everyone sailed home, and Pyrrhus and Helenos set sail towards Kypros. Before they left Pyrrhus had randomly chosen a Rhodian to act as ruler of the city. Luckily, this man showed to be of a competent sort, a local man of lower nobility named Attidas.
With him on the ships Pyrrhus brought not only many of the 50,000 amphoras with wine, but a unit of slingers from Rhodos. These men were famous for their prowess in battle, and with their half-cuirasses were better suited for melee then other slingers.
Soon Pyrrhus landed in Kypros, and surrounded the Ptolemais center of operation, the city of Salamis. Guarding this city was quite a large army, almost equal in numbers to that of Pyrrhus. It consisted almost entirely of skirmishers however, Akontisai and Hippakontisai, good assets to an army no doubt, but almost useless alone against an enemy.
Confident of victory Pyrrhus troops stormed the gates the moment the ram was finished, and the Thorakitai cut down the unarmoured man in short time.
An undramatic battle, it ended when a stone from the Rhodian ranks killed the Ptolemaic commander and his troops surrendered.
Needless to say, they and most of the population was cut down and then raped (yes in that order, not the other way around) while many houses were burnt and then looted (yet again, in just that order). With this organised opposition ceased across the island.

Now Pyrrhus had time to gather himself and his troops, and reflect upon the news from across the world.
In Hellas the Spartans had launched a surprise attack and liberated most of the Peloponnesos from the Makedonians, and the Illyrians under Getai command had invaded Aitolia, though the city of Thermon still stood firm. When told these news Pyrrhus asked who the f*uck the Getai´s were. When informed they were a Thrakian tribe ranging from north of Thrakia Hypertera he asked what the f*ck they were doing in Aitolia and why the f*ck they were commanding Illyrians. It seems Pyrrhus had no memory of giving his homeland to the Getai for free, and he was quite upset when he heard about it.
In other parts of the world things were taking a turn for the unexpected as well. Rumours were widespread that the Seleukids had lost much territory to some nomads who claimed to be the inheritors of the Persians, truly a ridiculous claim. All was not bad for the Empire of Seleukos however, for the regions of Adurbadegan near Hayasdan and Gerrhaia Arabia on the coast of just Arabia had fallen to their armies, and the Ptolemaic city of Tarsos was under siege from a great army of theirs.

Many were guessing what Pyrrhus next move would be, but no one guessed that he would do nothing, which might just be why he did just that. He had most of the wine the Rhodians had given him left, and had hired a Scythian band of bearded women to keep him company. For the first time in many years, he was happy and content with his life. The question was if it would remain so.

[Parallel Pain]

Remove the number (FPS) by going to the FPS tab, in which there's a box labeled "Overlay Corner" with choices for where you put the FPS. Below that is a Disabled option. Click it and no more numbers.

As for picture editing, I just use paint.

[d'Arthez]

Perhaps you could forge an alliance then? With the terms being that Pyrrhos gets access to his beloved bearded Scythian women, pays a small yearly tribute, and take Pantokapaion and / or Chersonesos.

[General Appo]

Hmmm... an alliance is possible, but I don´t think I will take any cities in that area. I have something different in mind, that I will must try out first.
Sadly I´ve gotten hold of an old copy of Return to Castle Wolfenstein, and will perhaps be preoccupied playing it for a few days. We shall see.

[General Appo]

I´ve tried with the screenshots, but I just can´t get it to work good. How do you pros edit your screenshots? When you delete a part of a screenshot, how do you remove the white shit that comes up behind it? I can´t even make the one screenshot I put in smaller. ve been trying to for 2 hours and I´m damned tired of it all, so I´m sorry for the lack of screenshots. I had some damn nice battle ones. I guess I really should use Photoshop or something like it, but I don´t have it right here. Maybe in a week I will.

Chapter 2: The Battle of Yrtakina

After procuring some Samnite and Brettian mercenaries Pyrrhus prepares to defeat the Spartan army. His scouts report that only the personal bodyguards of the armies general are of the famous Spartan kind, the rest are normal soldiers from Sparta´s allies and subjects. Also, his scouts reports that this general is no other then Areus Agiados Lakedaimonios, the King of Sparte. His death will surely resonate thoughout the entire Hellenic world, and perhaps at last remove Pyrrhus from his position as the laughing stock of the entire Mediterraenean.
Near the old city of Yrtakina the two armies met in battle. Equal in numbers, Pyrrhus intends to use his superior cavalry to first defeat the supporting troops and then use his heavy infantry and phalanx to defeat the enemy hoplites.


Pyrrhus arranges his army and moves towards to enemy, who eagerly awaits him. His Kretans begin to fire upon the enemy skirmishers who have strayed to far from the main line, and Pyrrhus his sons ride them down with ease. As Pyrrhus maked his way back to his infantry he is shortly pursued by the Spartan hoplites, and when these turned to get back in line the Kretans unleashed a volley right in their back, killing several and wounding more.
As the Spartans and their allies struggles to reform their lines to face Pyrrhus advancing infantry the Kretans continue to deal horrible casualties to their ranks, and the Akontistai runs forth to throw their javelins. Pyrrhus leads his cavalry behind the enemy lines and rides down the enemy Kretans while the Samnites and Brettians falls upon the Spartans left flank engaging the hoplites there. The Spartans pursues the Akontistai until suddenly these unarmoured men shows courage unheard of for many years, and turns and charges the legendary Spartans, cutting with their small knives.
Inspired by this act of heroism the phalanx comes to the aid of the Akontistai and starts pushing their long pikes into the Spartans line.
Seeing all this Pyrrhus splits his cavalry, sending Ptolemaios and Helenos to aid the Italians while taking his own bodyguards to charge the Spartans.
The Kretans have now run out of arrows, and drawing their short swords attacks the hoplites on the right flank, renewing the Italians spirit. As the cavalry falls upon the hoplites backs they flee but are chased to death. Only the Spartans still stand, honoring their mighty ancestors. But soon enough the last Spartan is cut down, and a member of the Akontistai slits Areus throats while he still fighting. Truly a great victory, Pyrrhus loses few men, and most of these can be easily replaced amongst the local population. The Spartan army however, had been completely eradicated.

Pyrrhus victory does indeed sends shockwaves across all of Hellas. Not only had the Spartans and their allies lost their king, but a great deal of their army, including many of the precious hoplites from Sparte, those who had undergone the Agoge. Coupled with the Makedonians conquest of Athenai and recent succeses in Ione this boaded ill for the city-states of Hellas, but things were about to get even worse.
After returning to Kydonia and replenishing his forces as well as his wine supply, Pyrrhus announces his next act of genius. Firstly, the he releases the Samnites and Bruttians from his service, but as he refuses to lend them any boats and not merchant vessel would take such unruly barbarians aboard, they reluctantly agrees to settle near the mountain Koutroulis in the western part of the island, where they form a small village named Calbisidoi, but commonly reffered to as "The Black Hole" by the locals, for anyone who approaches the village dissapears and is never heard of again, though how a black hole could do this remains unknown.

Shortly after, Pyrrhus declared his intent to conquer the island of Rhodos, which he has heard is the center of winetrade for the entire Aegean. After training some new spearmen that has begun spreading in Hellas he sets out for the island. Behind him however, he leaves his firstborn son Ptolemaios, who after the battle of Yrtakina has shown himself a responsible young man. Naturally Pyrrhus could not allow this, and tried to drown him in wine and women, but gave up after Ptolemaiois refused to relax, constantly pointing out that half the city was on fire, the wine was strangely green and bubbling, that there was something wierd about the women Pyrrhus offered him, particulary her beard, and other such petty matters.
So Pyrrhus left his firstborn son to govern the island of Krete and instad appointed his youngest son and the only one still following in his fathers footsteps Helenos to his heir. Shortly after, Pyrrhus, Helenos and their army sets ashore on Rhodos.

Quickly surrounding the city, they learn that it is only defended by a an old man, rumoured to be near 100 years old. Pyrrhus dismisses these rumours with a fart and by scratching his mistress beard, and orders the construction of siege machines. Off shore, Pyrrhus fleet spots a few small ships and approaches them for the required questioning and raping, but soon realises that these ships are not ordinary trade ships, but transports shipping a small army to Rhodos. The ships are quickly sunk, and the army relocated to the bottom of Poseidons kingdom. Pyrrhus fleet continues around the coast to blockade Rhodos harbour, bur finds it alrady sealed off by a Seleukid navy. These Diadaochi or whatever they call themselves offers to ally with Pyrrhus, but Pyrrhus still have fond memories of his time in Egypt, where the wine came easy and the women were cheap, or was it other way around? Anyway, Pyrrhus refuse to even see the Seleukid diplomats and continues to wait for the siege machines to be finished.

Before they are however, great news reach Pyrrhus. The old man ruling the city has apparently died of a minor flu, apparently multiple stab wounds in the chest is a side-effect of that horrible disease.
Without the old man to hold them togheter, the Rhodians surrender the city, and promising to deliver 50,000 amphoras of the finest wine within two weeks, Pyrrhus decides to spare them the usual killing, looting, raping and eating.
The loss of Rhodos is terrible news for the Greeks, now only the city´s of Lakonike remains free. Shortly after other bad news reach the Spartans, the small kingdom of Pontos has attacked the Spartans allies in Sinope, obviously seeing their weakness and inability to react in any other then harsh words and useless threats. In Syrakousai Alexandros continues to rejoice in his new life, but is increasingly worried about the Poeni army camped outside Lilibeo growing ever larger. So far he has not forced any of the locals to serve as garrison, but soon it will perhaps become neccessary.

The whole world eagerly awaits Pyrrhus next decision, or at least so he likes to believe. Where will his small army set sail next, what unlucky region he next set his pigeyes upon?