Assignment 3: Post Here!

[Tamur]

Timsup2nothin


The bathroom is small, ordinary. The countertop is littered with middle class clutter Good phrase, scattered make-up, an inexpensive perfume. His things, a toothbrush, a razor, hold a small corner. The wide mirrored cabinet has three compartments. One door hangs open slightly, the magnetic latch waiting for repairs So recognizable!.

Nice opening, you give an immediate feel for the place with the clutter and the slightly ajar cabinet

On top of the medicine cabinet, out of sight, is a layer of dust Editor 1: very real detail. Editor 2: I was caught by surprise "seeing" something like this from my imagined ground-level vantage, but it extends the feel so well done, and the corners of the floor are grimy. These things wouldn't be tolerated in the guest bathroom, but here they flourish in privacy. The room is kept lived in clean, not ready for inspection.

The side of the bathtub is a white porcelain wall. Above it towers frosted glass. The glass is marred by a dried spray of vomit Editor 1: Gross. My stomach flipped over. Very unexpected. Editor 2: This is very sudden, which you may or may not have planned. Shocking in either case.. Streaks run down to the track where the door slides, but don't extend onto the tub. No doubt the track is filled with a gross Unnecessary word, we are already thinking "gross" ooze.

Light glares on mirrors and shining white. It sizzles from the polished frame of the shower doors to fall like incendiary sleet. The switch is far away. He closes the one eye that isn't already crusted shut. The press of the tile floor is reassuringly cool. Good sentence with tactile detail. I could feel the floor on my cheek.

Nicely done scene. The vomit definitely dominates everything, not sure if that was the detail that you picked out but it's the thing that resonates afterwards




It is a master bathroom in a simple tract What's a tract house? Explain the word if it's simple enough to do so. house, functional but certainly not grand. A sliding pocket door saves the space a swinging door would demand, giving an illusion of size Good detail to note. The sink consumes too much of the counter, forcing the cosmetic army of a woman Cosmetic army is a good image, but it becomes awkward when followed by "of a woman". Can this be omitted? to jostle for standing room.

The closed lid of the toilet is cold on bare feet. Editor 1: Why is someone standing on the toilet? I want to read more to find out. Editor 2: This is never followed up on, and is distracting - whose bare feet? The edge of the counter is a hard line, an uncomfortable perch Editor 2: same here, is someone on the counter?. The lights are off. Over the shower doors the bathroom window is visible.

Bottles stand clustered on the high windowsill, a small cityscape in silhouette I like the comparison, it works well here. Condensation on the glass is their overcast sky, lit by the early morning outside.

Good image, but awkward wording

Light seeps through the window and falls, joining the torrent of the shower in an alchemist's brew of liquid gold. The cascade is an illuminating caress. Her This is a beautiful image, but when I hit "her" I have to break and recreate the image I had in my head. Coming so close to the end, it seems like too much work. beauty shines through the shower door's veil of frosted glass, lighting his heart.

I still want to know who was standing on the toilet, or perching on the counter. If a man is peeking over the shower top at the female inside, he would not be noticing how she looks through the frosted glass doors. So, I am slightly confused by the perspective

[Tamur]

Offline Participant


The shed smelled like a garden shed Unnecessary. You go on to describe it in detail, counter-productive to label it here: musty lawn clippings, the tang of oil, the deep vitality of earth, leather gloves. It was a large Relative to what? define shed, long used and kept up well, cluttered in an organised way. The smoothed flagstones and stained I cannot quite picture this. Are they moss green? Yellow? Dripping with water? rock walls testified that someone long ago had wanted to plant themselves on this ground just as deeply as the lindens clustered thickly about the yard.

The smell detail list is good, it appeals to my nose pleasantly.

Sitting in the doorway, legs folded under him, the man scraped away at an old trowel with a file while the birds twittered and swooped overhead, and while the sunlight danced through the grass Editor 1: Very long and awkward. Break it up. Editor 2: Too many prepositional phrases. Some nice images but there are too many strung together here.. He took a deep breath through his nose. No matter how beautiful the garden became, he would never come out here without that smell to draw him onward. Is the double-negative necessary? Awkward

Editor 1: Ahh... I get what youare saying, that he goes out to putter in his garden and shed because the smell lures him outl. But this sentence is clumsy. Editor2: There are a lot of unexplained adjectives in the first part, and some sentence structure problems in the second, which leaves me with an unclear picture of the scene. The smell comes through well though!




The vines were so thick with greenery that one hardly noticed Good way to emphasise the density the fence they hung on. Young leaves sprouted every which way Slightly overused phrase, it may be better said simply "in many different directions", which avoids sounding cliché. Clusters of small grapes were already beginning to dip their stalks downward. The sun travelled high overhead, warming gently, beating down on the leaves like the soft rain Good simile that had fallen the night before.

Is this paragraph separate from the next? It seems like late in the day, with the sun high overhead, and the next paragraph seems like an early morning scene

The dark earth between the rows sat quiet and smooth, sharp contrast to the chaos of green growing from it Good detail, very imaginable. The distant hills seemed so far away, blue and purple in the humid haze of an early spring.

Nice rhythm of words through this final paragraph.