Assignment 4: Post Here!

[Tamur]

MountainTroll
Stepping out of the clinic did not bring the This article makes me think a breath of fresh air has been mentioned before breath of fresh air to Lucy’s tight lungs. It brought exhaust, billowing up in waves of nauseating heat from the asphalt Bleah! Good strong feel to this. The parking meter by her car announced with a big red arrow “EXPIRED!” This is excellent, physical detail that matches the mood very well to the world whipping by. And of course, the rush hour traffic was unaffected by this announcement of finality Good allusion. They all kept at their habitual tailgating, squeezing three cars through the intersection after the light had turned red.

The meeting with the doctor had taken longer than expected, but it was the walk back to her car, down the sidewalk that really seemed to take forever. The sun blared mercilessly on the back of her neck. It wouldn’t stop. It glared along the top of her shirt collar, like an X-ray gun from an old sci-fi movie Sounds painful, good way to describe it. She was the alien now, caught it the infra-red cross hairs. She was escaping as in a slow motion dream to her car which suddenly seemed unrecognizable I like this. It sends the message that suddenly things have changed. When did those dents in the door appear?! Why is so much rush rust? showing on that ledge?! Can’t anything just keep in one piece anymore?!!! The escalating exclamations definitely add to the frantic feel, but they are a little distracting. I'm unsure how else you would do it thought

Lucy unlocked the door, slumped exhausted into the drivers seat and dragged the door behind. Here was more hot air, suffocating and stuffy Good word choices from hours of loneliness in the sun. She started the engine and jabbed fiercely at the AC button, hoping for some respite, but really expecting none I like how you held this out till the very end, definitely leaves a feeling of hopelessness.



Click-click-click-click chirped Lucy’s sassy high heals along the sidewalk. Sure the meeting in the clinic had taken longer than expected. The red “Expired” tag on the parking meter alerted all to her blatant disregard for city ordinances Ha, nice character image pertaining to parking This last could be dropped, since we know it's a parking meter. As she sauntered down the sidewalk, the back of her neck burned with the evening summer heat. It was the same sun that would roast her to a golden crisp I love the change in description here, sitting on a white lawn chair, cradling a diet soda, aboard the cruse ship Celebration in exactly 4 days. How pleasant for the sun to take an early interest in her tan.

The city traffic blared by as the common workers Uppity description, but it fits well with her character followed their prescribed tailgating patterns home to their identically dull studio apartments Excellent, I like the way this gets inside the character's head and condominiums. She fingered the yellow phone page she had eagerly ripped out of the phone book on the way out of the doctor’s office, labeled Realtors. She gazed She fingered... she gazed... these two come too close together, change the wording a bit with disdain at her car which had somehow picked up a few extra dents since she last paid attention to it. Her friend, the philanthropist doctor, had mentioned he drove a convertible corvette. She looked up and down the line of parked cars, trying to catch a glimpse of it I am asking myself why? is she looking for him, or just interested in his car?. Reluctantly unlocking her door, she slid into the driver’s seat. The hot, stuffy air inside very much like the energizing Finnish bastu air. Good change here again. The wording is a little awkward... I think it's the "the" and the "air"... maybe just try "a Finnish bastu"? She started the engine, and jabbed at the AC button, eagerly revving the engine to practice for her test-drive of some hot, red sports-car she hadn’t met yet.

Great ending, pointing to the future.

You do a great job changing the details and description to create very different moods in these two pieces. The second has a couple of sticky spots in the middle, but overall very well done.