Assignment 7: Post Here!

[Tamur]

Timsup2nothin


Ron slid lower on the seat. The upholstery was made to look like woven fibers, but it was really just an image stamped on some sort of vinyl. [b]The slightly textured side[b] ed. 1: Awkward phrasing, so it had a little bit of nap and you could convince yourself it wasn't just like sitting in a cheap car on a hot day, but he was sure that anyone wearing shorts would stick to it just the same. ed. 2: Nice tactile detail, but this sentence seems to run a bit He picked at the magazines scattered on the tables within reach and decided it wouldn't be worth looking any further. Most of them were news magazines, so old that even he recognized the cover stories. Since his knowledge of current events came almost exclusively from Guitar Player Funny detail, nice character building and snatches of conversation between sets that made a pretty clear statement on their relevance.

His jeans were frayed around the cuffs from being worn too low. His tee-shirt, blazed across the chest with 'born to rock' in some sort of prismatic tape, clung tightly to a muscular frame. Hair somewhere between brown and blond swung in a loose pony tail well down his back. A dentist's office was clearly not his element, and the other people waiting gave him looks from the corners of their eyes that let him know it. He could freely step up in front of a packed house with his guitar, but without it he was brutally self-conscious. ed. 1: very interesting detail ed. 2: well-used summary, very smooth He gave a serious moment's thought that at twenty-four maybe he shouldn't be wearing clothes he had owned since high school Again, nice detail - it fits very well here.

His somber introspection was driven by the receptionist. She sat behind the open frosted glass window, the counter too high for him to see her, but he knew she was there. Her bottle green eyes above high cheek bones had burned such a deep image that he could picture them looking right through the wall, measuring him, finding him short This is a funny little comment. Her smile would have been glorious if it had not been a product of pure professionalism. It didn't reach her eyes.

Ron operated in a cloud of confidence with women that was founded in the reality that there is always someone who wants to leave with the band. The receptionist had boiled that cloud away and left him in a harsh ray of sunlight.

Great paragraph

As sweat slowly welded him to the couch Another nice tactile detail, I like these Ron reviewed the series of one night stands and long term relationships he had been through. He realized that his definition of a long term relationship included any girl that he went home with who was around long enough to arrive at the next gig with him. Honestly, if he put those in with the one night stands there wasn't much else. He was seventeen when his band played its first paid gig, and he had put growing up on hold ever since. It was time to change that. His test would be growing up enough to get in the same league with the lovely receptionist. He knew she was beyond him, even though he was sure he was older than she was.

Very definite plot hook here, perhaps too obvious with "his test" in there, but it's in the middle of a habit/summary area so it fits with the style.

Ron never questioned whether maturity could be found through such an adolescent challenge Interesting question; it colours what comes after quite a bit. Later, he would say that when his sister's root canal was finished he took her home, but he left his heart at the dentist's office. He had no idea what he was taking on.

This challenge hooks the interest of the reader very well

This is a great ending to the Ron section, but I had trouble with the transition to "Melanie was dressed...". She suddenly has a name and is wearing something, and I was disoriented. This needs a physical divide of some sort on the page unless that's the effect you're going for.

Melanie was dressed in a light summer pant suit that did nothing in particular to enhance her figure. Nothing was needed, and she shopped with her mind always focused on a professional appearance that could never be questioned. She wanted no hint of sexuality to invade her workplace. The technicians and hygienists, forced into white uniforms and paper smocks, held her at enough of a distance as it was. The office manager, who was married to one of the doctors, had been clearly reluctant to hire her because of her looks.

If either of the doctors caught an eye on her she wanted to be absolutely sure everyone knew it was not her intent. For their part the doctors privately called her the frost queen, but agreed among themselves that she was the best looking girl they had ever had in the office. Doctor Hicks, who was single and attractive, had set out to bed her three years before, right after she was hired. He had been completely shot down. She did not date at work. In fact, he had to repeat the question when he asked her out. It was like she couldn't even hear him, the idea of dating at work was so far off her radar. Good

The patient Where is the patient? Standing at the counter? was still a little groggy. Melanie knew her, vaguely. She worked in the real estate office that shared the parking lot. Mel was glad she brought her kid brother along to drive her home. When Ron walked out with his sister Mel never expected to give him another thought.

ed. 1: The scene is an unlikely spot for romance. You set it up well. I'm interested in both characters and have good images of their physical descriptions as well as their auras in my mind.

ed. 2: The character definitions are wonderful, very vivid characters in a non-traditional opening scene for what looks to be a romance. I've noted a couple of places where I became confused with the scene or the focus, but these should be easy to smooth out.