Assignment 7: Post Here!

[Tamur]

MountainTroll


Katrin had been swinging in the hammock for an hour now, and her problems still hadn’t gone away. Life was so peaceful and simple out here in her backyard, why couldn’t it always be like this? Tomorrow morning she was expected to be packed and ready to attend a month of summer math camp, and to smile about it. Her parents had been very emphatic on that point. “Whining, and grouching are not going to improve your math scores.” This was like expecting a death row inmate to be excited about his visit the next day to the electric chair. Funny comparison, sets a light tone

The orchard always made her feel better. Lying in her hammock, the branches moved gracefully in the sky above. She felt like a butterfly, still wrapped up in its cocoon. The hammock had been a gift from her aunt in Ecuador, who worked in an orphanage with children. “I wish I could be one of those lucky orphans!” Very ironic and innocent, this more than anything establishes the age of the character Katrin thought wryly A good word here but the character seems young to be thinking wryly?. “Life is so unfair.”

Instead she had been born the oldest of four children, with both parents still very much involved in her life. She had a pair of loud brothers, who were always chasing each other with sticks, and a baby sister. Her sister was cute, but a two year old is not much of a listener when Katrin had troubles to discuss.

ed. 1: I like the description of the family - it gives the character some depth to know where she's coming from

ed. 2: Good family description. It's consistent with the tone that she's not a family outcast.

And troubles she had plenty of. Good segue, this is flowing along nicely It wasn’t just math camp; it was the other attendees she also worried about. When she had finished the sixth grade two weeks ago, she had breathed a sigh of relief that she wouldn’t have to be tormented by her peers for another three months. What a beautiful summer it would be.

When she heard about math camp, Katrin wasn’t totally depressed, only slightly. She actually liked math, she just didn’t like to be rushed while doing it. Maybe doing math problems by a lake or in cabins would be fun. But when she heard who else would be going, she could feel the world crumbling around her. A few of her middle school classmates took had taken? action ongoing in the past, past imperfect to teasing her because she was so quiet at school… and these were the same ones who were also signed up for the summer camp. It was a recipe for disaster, if Katrin ever heard of one.

She had come to her hammock hoping to find a way out of this mess. But it only seemed to loom larger and darken the sky above. I pictured the sky as clear blue and bright, even though nothing above says I should... so this was distracting for a moment and I had to go back up and find I made up that detail. oops.

“Who is that despairing by my entryway?” A voice demanded from behind a bush. Katrin thought she must’ve dozed off and had one of those super-quick dreams. Then the voice sounded again “Despair and gloom, in my home, have no room!” Up from behind a very usual-looking dogwood bush swirled a very unusual-looking young lady. The first thing that caught Katrin’s eye was the lady’s turban Instantly recognisable symbol - with all the associations coming along. This may or may not be what you want. Wrapped tightly about her head, it glittered with hundreds of pea size gems. “Could they really all be diamonds?” thought Katrin to herself.

The lady spoke again “Yes they are all diamonds, payment for my services to other unknown creatures.” This made me ask, Is Katrin an unknown creature? Curious

Shocked that the lady had heard her thoughts, Katrin froze in her hammock.
The lady swirled over to her. She had nothing visible beneath her cherry red tunic. No feet, or legs, just a small whirlwind of grass and dust picked up from the orchard floor. Her hands were clasped in a patient pose in front of her waist, and her face seemed both benevolent and wise - so wise it was unnerving.

ed. 1: I like the way that you completely avoided describing Katrin. She is exactly how I imagined her after the hammock description, which is very freeing.

ed. 2: I'm interested to hear the story go onward. The ending line makes me think that this genie-lady will suddenly solve all Katrin's problems, ta-da --- which would lead to a very short and predictable story. Not saying you need to change this line, but it's something to be aware of.