"This is Kent Brockman with your channel 6 action news special report.
Three nights after the grisly Simpson murders, our once bright and cheerful little town has devolved into total darkness. It seems that, without Police Chief Wiggum to keep order, and with no new suspects, the town has chosen to randomly execute innocent civilians. Tonight, we see the crowd closing in on Springfield Elementary, where Groundskeeper Willie reportedly resides in a humble dwelling. Once again, loyal viewers, I will be giving you live coverage of this horrendous human atrocity, as we watch otherwise civilized people turn on one another. I am sure to get a Peabody for this!
Reverend Lovejoy:
"In here, my loyal sheep! God has told me in a vision that the perverted, drunken murderer dwells inside this ramshackle shed! May the unmerciful and righteous anger and thirst for vengeance within you all bring the godless heathen to his goat-like knees!"
Groundskeeper Willie:
"Ach, come in here and say that, ya wee dress-wearin' Bible-thumpin' pansy! I'll show you what Willie can do!"
Lovejoy:
"Bring it on, your heathen murderer! May God have mercy on your blackened soul!"
Willie:
"I'll ground up your internal organs and turn them all into haggis!"
Kent Brockman:
"It appears as if the good reverend has gotten into a violent battle to the death with Springfield's notoriously drunk, and superhumanly strong, greased Scotsman. Willie appears to have the upper hand, and he is strangling Reverend Lovejoy and bashing is head against a giant vat of kitchen grease he apparently keeps inside his shack. Lovejoy apparently has no experience in this sort of physical contest, and is being pulverized like a headless chicken."
Willie:
"Ya should'na entered my home, you crouton-eatin' surrender monkey! Willie's shack is the only place on school grounds outside all laws of Man and God. Now it's Willie's turn to unleash hellfire and brimstone on ya! Taste my grease, ya Jesus-lovin' bedwetter!"
Brockman:
"Groundkeeper Willie is drowning the beaten Reverend in the Elementary School's frying grease!"
Willie:
"I was savin' that grease for my retirement... now you've gone and ruined it wit' yer blood and your dead corpse... how am I supposed to sell this stuff now? Now burn in hell, and learn to play a proper organ while you are down there. Suck my bagpipes, churchy!"
Kent Brockman:
Willie has just murdered the town Reverend right in front of an angry mob. There is no doubt now, that even if the serial killer hasn't been found, a cold-blooded murderer will be lynched tonight."
Willie:
"Ach! I was just defendin' myself, you telepromter-readin' pants-wearin' catamite!"
Kent Brockman:
"Nevertheless, the angry mob wants justice. Ta-ta!"
Willie:
"Ya ain't seen the last of Willie! If you kill me, I will become more powerful than ye can possibly imagine! I'm warnin' ye... the bloodshed has only just beginnnnn!"
Kent Brockman:
"The angry mob is battering Willie with pitchforks, torches, and Bibles. They have Willie pinned down, and someone is apparently driving a very large and painful-looking lawnmower towards Willie's head. What you're about to witness is the most gruesome spectacle ever before televised. I'm being informed that we need to take a quick commercial break. And now, a word from our sponsors."
Cuts to a commercial.
"Tonight on FOX: America's most violent mobs caught on tape! You don't want to miss the thrilling and blood-splattering action! See innocent people get brutally destroyed for your viewing entertainment! From the people who brought you FOXXX, a 24-hour adult film channel with kid-friendly programming! Also tune in to FOX-News, which contains unbiased reporting, news, and debate from all sides of the Republican party. We return you to our regularly scheduled broadcasting."
Brockman:
"That is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. It will take over three months and a team of eight hundred people to clean up the awful mess left behind from that depraved act of mob justice. Groundskeeper Willie, and Reverend Lovejoy, both met their violent end tonight. I sincerely hope that there are no other lynchings or murders for at least 24 hours."
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