AI stupidity stories.. we all have them

[Vasiliyi]

I would personally love to hear all the stories of AI stupidity that you guys have. I mean not the usual stupidity but like REAL stupid stupid stuff. Please do share, I mean I'm sure all of us could use a laugh. Feel free to post screenshots and the such. Here's my favorite AI stupidity story:

I was playing as the aedue and I was "ambushed" by the arveni. I thought the battle would end up in a massive defeat as I was outnumbered and outmanned. I had 2 units of lugue and a unit of gallic slingers. Well the ambush failed and the battlefield was pretty much a forest with a river running through it. As the enemy army which outnumbered me 3:1 advanced, I positioned my men at the river crossing and waited. They just ran at me, and I destroyed then formation after formation. Peicemeal. It was just soo stupid of them. I ended up killing 80% of there force with minimal losses to myself. I ended up with a herioc victory. It was just so embarrasing for the AI. Wonderful moment for me. I laughed for quite a while myself.


Please share your stories.

[Connacht]

The easiest siege of all times:

"hey, sir, the gates are opened, are you sure that this isn't a trap?"
"you can rely on my decision, soldier"
"but, sir, the enemies are all at the walls watching us, I do not trust them!"
"well, soldier, as you can see, the enemies are there"
"sure!"
"ALL the enemies are there"
"what...?"
"and the gates are opened... look, some of our soldiers are already going to the central plaza, while the enemies still watch me, the general, from upstairs, leaving the streets undefended"
"amazing! really amazing!"
"the most amazing thing is that they are phalangites, soldier! Those Greeks really don't know what tactics and fighting skills are"
"truly the mighty eagle of Rome today is achieving an incredible victory due to the stupidity of the enemy, sir"
"indeed, soldier"

(meantime a Roman legionary says "marameo", which is an Italian slang, to the smart phalangites on the wall; I also screenshotted this situation some time ago, there is still the topic somewhere here)

The laziest reinforcements of all times:

Big battle between a field and a wood, Romans vs Aedui, the latter having some reinforcements which, for some reasons, entered the battle map, remained in "waiting to enter the battle" mode and crossed all the battlefield without activating the AI. I never faced again a bug like this, however, it was funny to crush the enemy while watching their reinforcements passing near my troops like they didn't notice them. I don't remember if I also tried to attack and kill them while passively moving through the map.

The hugest slaughter at a bridge of all times:

"my strategos, we have only a few pikes and some bowmen, it's impossible to defend the bridge from those barbarian nomads!"
"don't worry my companion, the Gods are watching us from the Olympus and blah blah blah"

Well, during that battle there was a God supporting the army, but the general was wrong, since the supported army was the enemy one. However, the God was the Stupidity one, as every enemy cavalryman charged inside the bridge and got impaled on the pikes, while the rear mass packed everything like sardines.
Ordinary AI behaviour while defending a bridge from the enemy.

[Space_Ed]

I had babylonia as the romans and the baktrians started a war by attacking me with a tiny army despite the fact both cities on the tigris and the eurphrates had totally full marian legions. I beat their rubbish army. Next turn the sent an emissary saying 'Please do not attack' 'accept or we will attack.' It was a pretty dumb move on their part.

[Chris_]

The easiest siege of all times:

The laziest reinforcements of all times:

Big battle between a field and a wood, Romans vs Aedui, the latter having some reinforcements which, for some reasons, entered the battle map, remained in "waiting to enter the battle" mode and crossed all the battlefield without activating the AI. I never faced again a bug like this, however, it was funny to crush the enemy while watching their reinforcements passing near my troops like they didn't notice them. I don't remember if I also tried to attack and kill them while passively moving through the map.

This happens if there is a landscape feature off the map, like a massive rock. The same thing happened with me, as half of a unit got stuck behind one of the rocks, and the rest just walked almost all the way across the battlefield.

[Zeibek]

I'm playing as Carthage against the Ptolemies, who've got a fullstack of elites, against my meagre army of Libyan Spearmen and Liby-Phoenician cavalry. They're crushing me without any problems, so I just concentrate on killing their family member out of spite. After killing him they still have a gargantuan advantage, a sure victory. But then they start to retreat for no reason! I'm not sure whether killing the family memeber prompted it but still, without a single rout they retreated, which gave me time to reassemble my forces and crush them. It wasn't really fun though, I was really looking forward to do some fighting in the Carthaginian homeland.

[Ibn-Khaldun]

Since I just recently started to play EB again then I have a short story for you. I Me, Seleucids, agains Saka. Bridge battle. They outnumber me I think it was 4:1(2 armies full of horse archers and other people who like to throw things at you). I only had some units of Pantodapoi Phalangitai and those persian archers. Usually I would be in a big trouble since lot of missile troops in EB have the long range missile ability but not this time. What happened - they charged my pikemen! Not a single arrow was fired by them! I mean, who would charge the phalanx from front when you could shoot them to pieces with your bows? Looks like AI! I think I have seen this before in Vanilla but never in EB.

[Ibrahim]

well, this isn't exactly EB, but it goes with the spirit of the thread:

Battle of tarentum (actualyy c. 10 mi to he north).

I was using an ERE force under the leadership of Asparus, who was with 658 men, versus 850 visigoths under their king. and it came to pass that he had deployed in a strong position on top of a partcularly steep hill. and he had many cnithas and javelin throwing troops to creat a arrowstorm. I only had legionaries, and a few non ranged cavalry, save a unit of dalmatii. seeing that i had nowhere else to attack, I ordered me me to mount a frontal assault. the mass charge was brave, wreckless, and in hindsight, very stupid. I just closed me eyes and prayed for the best (literally).

then, something unusual happened. for some inexplicable reason, the king withdrew from the hill-he jusdt pulled away from me, towards a plain in front of a marsh. my men charged the extra 200 yrds, first going up the hill, then down. we literally slammed those goths off the battlefield, routing them in seconds. I only lost 28 men, mostly from the dalmatii, who had accelerated too far and crashed into the cnithas. had I not ordered the charge later, i would have lost 14. but the main point was: Had the goths not retreated off that hill, they would have pummled me to death, and defeated me, ruining my invasion of italy. they didn't need weapons to defend that hill; all they had to do was roll rocks on my men.

the goths lost 96% of their men btw.

[Cbvani]

Not battle stupidity, but stupidity none-the-less....

I was playing as Pahlava and was approached by an AS diplomat who wanted my entire empire (except for my capital and my two starting provinces) and a bunch of money for peace. Obviously, I wasn't going to accept. So I made a counter offer - I'd take the entire AS empire, except for their capital city, in exchange for peace. They came back with a counter offer of their own - they'd do it, for a ridiculous amount of money.
I glanced down at my mnai count, sure I was about to kill this impudent diplomat with on of my assassins to train him, when I noticed something: I could afford it.
Now understand, the furthest west I had conquered was Persepolis from their empire. They had Babylonia, Seleucia, and a bunch of other cities to their name. They had even taken one from the Ptolemies in Turkey, and they hadn't lost any other cities to AI factions. It was their ENTIRE REMAINING EMPIRE, about 2/3 the number of their original cities, up for sale. And I could afford it.
So I did. I bought the AS empire. For an insane amount of money, but I did it. The best part is, once I had looted their empire by demolishing every freaking building including the wonders, I came out ahead. I disbanded the freed slaves, set taxes to high, and let the rampant unrest and unhappiness take their toll (no way was I ready to administrate an empire that had doubled in size overnight). This is the game I'm in the process of playing - my expectation now is for Egypt to blitz them from the west now that they can't retrain or recruit anything.
I did keep one city intact, though, because I was besieging it with my greatest general (who has 10 command stars, is a superb administrator, and has 9 or 10 influence, and isn't even my faction heir or leader!) when they offered peace. I figured I was going to take it anyway, so I'd take now while I had an army handy. Best part? Homeland available.

My plan now is this: Focus on the east by taking the three Indian cities, build up my infrastructure and trade, get more than 2 Pahlavan reform governments in place (my capital and a nearby city) so I can get some uber-cataphracts and Hellenic native phalanxes, let the Ptolemies (and probably Hyasdan and Pontos, and maybe even Makedonia!) steamroll what remains of the Arche-Seleucid empire, and sit back and laugh as I prepare to conquer the whole map. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I killed Baktria early on and have the Saka contained so I don't have to worry about them.

Some of you may be wondering how the heck I could afford to buy the A-S empire. Let me put it this way: Horse archer armies are very effective considering their low price, I have a lot of mines, and I gave myself an extra 100,000 mnai in the beginning because I play by the house-rule of no mercenary recruitment and starting settlements are fully upgraded on turn one but population is halved (everything else is build up normally), and because I wanted too.

Anyway, this is turning into a bit of an AAR, which is off topic (although I may just write one about a Pahlava campaign because they are so much fun) but my main point is this: for the right price, the AI is quite willing to sell you their entire empire, and you can even make a slight profit off the deal! Yes, I was playing on VH/M difficulty, which makes it all the more surprising.

[Zradha Pahlavan]

A tiny battle, a big letdown.

General: Faced before us today are 300 of the finest fighters of Arche Seleukia, all of them Thorakitai Agematos Basilikou, armored so heavily that no arrow could pierce them. They stand atop that yonder hill, and we have but thirty horsemen.
Cataphract: We're fucked.

*The cataphracts go around the hill. The Seleucid soldiers don't bother to turn around.

General: CHARGE!!!

*The Seleucids still don't turn around.
Wham! Klang! Thud! Twenty Seleucids drop dead.

General: Pull back!

*The seleucids throw some sticks at the retreating cataphracts, then go back to staring in the opposite direction.
The cataphracts charge again, killing another 23 Seleucids.
The process repeats itself until only half of the Seleucids are left alive. Then the Seleucids get down off of the hill and start to wander off of the battlefield.

General: Attack them from the front this time!

*The Seleucids run right into the charging cataphracts without fighting back, then they rout, then they die.

Cataphract: Well, that was easy.
General: All that and we only lost five guys.

This is the single most heinous act of stupidity I can think of right off the top of my head. Especially since I've seen the AI do way better commanding Thorakitai Agematos Basilikou in other battles.

[Shylence]

I always hate how the AI attacks ur army or sieges a town or fort with a tiny a army of their own.

and always run away!!!!!!!! Frustrating!!!!!!!

[Onehandstan]

This may not be particuralry stupid but...
I was playing as Rome and Sweboz assaulted one of my cities with town walls, they kill the defenders on the walls or the rest retreat to the town square and wait, the only ways to get to the square is by passing one tower or 5 towers, do the AI capture those towers? NO! 3/4 of their army die by tower arrows, thje rest were killed taking the walls or by routing when they were charged by my general.

[Maeran]

Only yesterday, the Carthaginians attacked the walls (well, palisade) of Massana with a unit of Sardinian infantry and one single elephant. The garrison was a FM and 3 units of akontistai.

I'm convinced that the AI makes suicide runs in lieu of retraining.

[Carthaginian General]

https://i140.photobucket.com/albums/...idityStory.jpg

Yep - you just saw that, your eyes aren't lying. A unit of Hellenic Native Spearmen and Akontistai, both on guard mode, held off around half a stack of angry things in a city battle. Everything in the AI's army was exhausted, and my men were warmed up, by the time the reinforcements arrived, and they were fresh from Egypt, not a man lost. Wherever I go now, whatever I do, if it involves seizing a city in one way or another and not merely raiding it, I put a unit of Hellenic Native Spearmen in it for this reason. They're just too awesome at holding up the AI's entire force while the reinforcements calmly walk from the other end of the map...

I didn't even have to use my cavalry or melee infantry to break them...

[Yyrkoon]

Ok, I'm new here and new to EB, but I've got a good one. I've been playing as Baktria on H/M to avoid having the AI be crazy unreasonable in diplomacy. I started the game out by giving myself a bit of an economic boost of 80k mnai so that I could build up an army quickly. Other than that I haven't cheated. I took my FL and decided to campaign against AS. I basically took all their eastern cities and sacked them and left. After each sacking, I used my diplomat to offer them peace terms that included: ceasefire, accept or we will attack, trade rights on my end and Give: territory on their end. Using this method I have had them give me all of their easternmost provinces only to have me attack them immediately afterwards. Then I had them give me Antioch, Damascus, and Babylon. I looted the cities, disbanded the garrisons and let them revolt. I then sacked Seleukia and they just keep appeasing me with more territories (I intentionally take the ones with mines or that I haven't sacked yet and just keep them) so by 265 BC I have a rampaging three quarters stack that is acting like the Hannibal of the east and I'm slowly getting AS to cede their income-producing regions to me. Oh and the stack that's marauding isn't exactly elite. It's my 4 star FL, 5 units of native phalanx, 1 unit of eastern archers, 2 units of persian archer-spearmen, 1 unit of hellenic spearmen, and 1 unit of heavy peltasts. Glory be to diplomats and appeasement.

[||Lz3||]

what the hell?? those hellenic spearmen actually work?!

when I played as AS (hehe) two units of them would get ripped off against 1 single parthian HA <.<
medium dificulty

[Cbvani]

what the hell?? those hellenic spearmen actually work?!

when I played as AS (hehe) two units of them would get ripped off against 1 single parthian HA <.<
medium dificulty

They have terrible armor and will ALWAYS get ruined by horse archers.

[penguinking]

The AI seleucids and ptolemies were battling each other in Syria. The ptolies launch an offensive and take Antioch. They now threaten the other seleucid cities in the area. The seleucids have three armies left in Syria and Mesopotamia. They have three options. Guess which one the AI follows:

1) Retake Antioch. Risky, but the seleucids probably would have succeeded.
2) Stay on the defensive and guard the remaining provinces until more armies can be built.
3) Attack the tiny but well defended rebel village of Palmyra.

If you guessed 3), you are correct. The seleucids attacked Palmyra, and two of their armies got destroyed. The third army grabbed the city, but with heavy casuaties. The next turn, the ptolemies effortlessly took it from the seleucids and proceeded to easily conquer Mesopotamia over the next three years.

Now I have to fight a massive Yellow Death

[desert]

It was 225 BC in my Koinon Hellenon game, and the Carthaginians and I were sieging Lilibeo. I had sent a unit of Akontistai and Syracusan hoplites as a sign of good will. The Romans had a general with 650 Akontistai from Lilibeo and a 2,500 man relief army.

The Carthaginian force was about 1,500 men, but it had many skirmishers, archers, and light cavalry. They faced the relief army while I faced the garrison. Now, we could have won had the Carthaginians not charged everything they had into the Roman lines. And when I say everything, I mean everything - even archers. I don't think even a single javelin was thrown by them.

In about a minute, the entire Carthaginian force was absolutely routed, causing my battered Akontistai to route. Well, at least that drew away the Roman general. So my Syracusan hoplites were left surrounded by hundreds of Akontistai, with a thousand Triarii fast approaching. I managed to kill most of the Akontistai, but the Triarii routed my hoplites and I escaped with half the unit. This led to a series of Roman sieges of Syracuse over the next 5 years that very nearly led to my being driven out of Sicily. The only thing that saved me was fortuitous tower placement.

And this whole battle only occured because I had reloaded a save after the Carthaginians attacked me in Lilibeo, which they had helped me take.

They charged everything they had at the defenders in that battle as well, without using missiles.

[Tellos Athenaios]

That's the usual way the AI defines 'city-assault', guess that partially explains why the AI is so utterly rubbish at picking off weakly defended cities.

[Chris1959]

Off topic but related and much, much rarer event the AI being smart.

A week ago I'm playing as the Romani and I finally get Marian reforms about 145BC and at this stage the Empire is almost historical in size. I'm at peace apart from the desert war with the Ptolies.

So veteran legions are on their way back to Rome to disband and new Marians to be raised, these include the legions in Transalpine Gaul, though leaving a fairly strong army from client state of Massilia.

That's when the Arverni hit in a way most players would do it, within two moves they had captured Massilia, Tolouse and Emporion annihilated the Massilote Army and laid seige to Milan and Arse. It was like the Gallic revolt and the Cimbrian invasion in one.

Eventually the "new" legions restored order and handed out several good kickings, and then the Arverni sued for peace and accepted a tough but not stupid settlement with no Force Diplomacy.

It wasn't that I was caught off guard it was the way it was a co-ordinated Blitz many players would have been proud of. If only it was like this more often.

[Carthaginian General]

what the hell?? those hellenic spearmen actually work?!

when I played as AS (hehe) two units of them would get ripped off against 1 single parthian HA <.<
medium dificulty

Yep, you just need to use them as expendables. Got an AI army with a Hetairoi unit you don't really want to tackle? stick a unit of Hellenic Native Spearmen on them. With your general nearby, they most likely won't route (assuming you've got an actual character and not a captain) if you've got some bonuses, and even if they all die, they're very cheap to replace.

They also work well in Guard mode, since they don't die that terribly fast, they can hold up long enough for units to get Exhausted trying to fight them in Guard mode. They can also be sent to hold up phalanxes from the front and divert attention. Really handy units when you take their expendability into account and use it to your advantage. Just remember that they're mostly there for causing enemy units to get fatigued fighting them. Guard mode is key.

[Master Young Phoenix]

In the historical battle of Ausculum (Rome vs. Epiros) which I played as the romans, I was winning quite convincingly... in the end, there remained just a single formation of Phalangitai, who stood facing the forest at the left side of the battlefield... I gathered all units of Principes, Hastati and leves I had left and surrounded them. The Epirotes kept facing the woods, while my legion formed in their rear and flanks. they kept facing the woods, turning phalanx mode on and off and on and off again untill all my units were in place. Then, I charged at them, and they still did not change facing....

needless to say, they all died.

[gamerdude873]

Bridge Battle: SPQR (me) vs. Casse

They had at least 2-3 times the amount of soldiers I had, and they were a helllllll of lot more experienced than mine. I was expecting an epic struggle, but i got an interesting surprise. when the enemy started crossing the bridge, they sent their chariots over with them. Of course, i stopped em up and had nowhere to go, and the chariots... well they didn't stop moving and begin knocking HUNDREDS of their own soldiers off the bridge and into the water = HEROIC VICTORY!!! WOOOOOT!!!

(SPQR vs Sweboz) Another time i was ambushing... they started to retreat, and my battle line cut off their line of retreat. So what does the AI do? It tries to walk THROUGH my line. Quickest victory ever.

Another dumb thing that happened was a historical battle in which Baktria used calvary to try to charge and kill elite and medium phlangatai... head on. That was an EPIC fail on their part.

finally, AI during sieges. I have witnessed the following:

1)AI sends first wave up ladders/towers, leaves second wave to die from towers
2)AI has it's ram burned, and leaves the unit that was pushing it under the fire from the towers
3) (this is more of a weird bug, but it's saved me more than once) AI tries to climb tower, but just walks around in circles at the base of the siege tower and saves my rear-end from being mobbed.

[Majd il-Romani]

Me as SPQR vs Carthaginians a little bit away from Kart-Hdast. I had a full-stack BADASS Marian army ready to rip apart Carthage. The Carthaginians had anther badass army with plenty of elites ready to kick Rome out of Africa. When I attacked, I was expecting something epic. I got something epicly stupid.

Roman General: Today we fight the carthaginians, brave foes and worthy enemies, etc...

Roman Guy: Sir look! Theyre running away!

General: No, soldier, they always do that when we attack. They run back a bit, form up, and wait for us to attack.

Guy: Well, they're running pretty damn far...

General: Yeah, I can hardly see them anymore!

Guy: Look sir! They crossed that red line that is always on the battlefield! They're gone! We won! Not a single casualty!


later, the few carthaginians that were killed by the archers were all found lying in a pool of yellow. Yes, they all withdrew and ran off before my soldiers even started marching.

[bovi]

Majd, that's not stupidity, that's wise. The pre-battle odds calculation is less precise than the in-battle odds, so when the AI sees that it's outclassed it will withdraw.

[Cbvani]

Majd, that's not stupidity, that's wise. The pre-battle odds calculation is less precise than the in-battle odds, so when the AI sees that it's outclassed it will withdraw.

Really? It always seemed to me that the in-battle odds relied far too much on numbers and not enough on troop quality.

[Chris_]

Really? It always seemed to me that the in-battle odds relied far too much on numbers and not enough on troop quality.

I'd agree with this view more. In the never ending Ptolemaic assaults of my cities in my Lusotana game, I noticed that they would nearly always withdraw at or around the 60% casualties mark, provided I didn't lose a significant percentage of my troops.

[Zradha Pahlavan]

More stupidity.

I attacked an army of Hayasdan that was on its way to besiege a city I took from them. I had several units of horse archers and also two units of phalangites and one unit of native spearmen. The enemy army consisted of heavy cavalry combined with medium infantry and phalangites. All of them were experienced veterans and I was certain that their army could could beat mine many times over if used properly. But I gambled on the possibility that it wouldn't be used properly.

The battle starts with a phalanx fight. Armenian medium infantry attack my phalanx's flank, and I send the hellenic spearmen to fight them. Meanwhile, medium cavalry chase my horse archers around and I have my cataphracts make occasional charges on the enemy troops.

The battle goes badly. One phalanx routs, the hellenic spearmen are being cut down, and my horse archers can't get around the enemy to help. But one phalanx holds its own along with the cataphracts. Now for the stupid part. Sitting across the field from my troops is one unit of enemy cataphracts, 60 in number, all bodyguards. They could easily squish my tiny defensive position anytime they like with one good charge. But instead, they sit there. Soon my horse archers vanquish their pursuers and come around the rear of the enemy and butcher the enemy phalanx with arrows. Every unit of the enemy's army is either destroyed or retreating.

The bodyguards keep sitting there. Soon what's left of my infantry is formed up once again. Horse archers have the enemy encircled. At last, the cataphracts attack my troops. But instead of going for a horse archer unit, thus possibly gaining the chance to escape, they attack a phalanx head-on. They get tangled up in the spears and my horsemen hit them from behind. They fight for a while, but soon not a single enemy soldier can be seen.

From the jaws of victory...

[Majd il-Romani]

Majd, that's not stupidity, that's wise. The pre-battle odds calculation is less precise than the in-battle odds, so when the AI sees that it's outclassed it will withdraw.

yeah, but they weren't outclassed. If anything, I was outclassed.

[Onehandstan]

Bridge battle, the enemy set up near the bridge on the riverbank so while I move my troops across the bridge I have my missile untis to fire at the enemy and forget about them, when I look back the enemy force seems a lot smaller, these were all armoured post-marian troops so the missiles didn't do it so then I zoomed in and noticed half the enemy had somehow walked underwater and drowned, this carried on until they only had their generalthe FL) and some vigiles, my missiles killed the vigiles and my infanty kill the general. I have no Idea how the enemy all drowned themselves.