Heed this warning... the city of Kyrene has an impenetrable defense!

[Dayve]

Either that, or Cartheginian soldiers are as dumb as a bag of rocks.

All was calm across the Cartheginain empire. The whole of the north coast of Africa from Lepki westward, 2/3 of Sicily and a 40% chunk of Iberia answer to the the mighty city of Kart-Hadast. We are the richest empire in the known world. We have the most powerful navy and vast armies of fierce mercenaries ready to be unleashed on any who would oppose us, led by the most intelligent men our empire has to offer.

Mines and vast swathes of rich and fertile land that make our every neighbour green with jealousy, even those who control the famously fertile and rich lands of Egypt, it seems, for they look upon cities we have owned for centuries and march west to take them from us!

First they stole Lepki, thousands of them swarmed upon the city and its handful of defenders. We thought it a safe place. There isn't much to be taken from that part of our empire and the people of Egypt are a rich and powerful people. What would they want with a city like Lepki?

Alas, the city was taken and its people killed and send back to Alexandria as slaves. Less than 6 months later, however, the people rose up, supported by mercenaries from the surrounding lands, and kicked the armies of Ptolemy out of the city, sending word that they have taken the city back for us, that they are still loyal and want to be ruled by no people but us, and that the mercenaries that had helped were demanding rewards. Rewards they were given! Showered with gold coins, mere pennies to the abundances of our overflowing coffers, and land that had been previously owned by those taken slaves.

The leader of the army that had taken Lepki was killed in the revolt, and the rest of their army fell easily upon the swords of the savage dark men from the west of the lands in Africa under our employ. Then we marched east, to do to them what they had done to us. To take one of their cities and enslave its people.

Every land we have desired thus far has fallen to our mercenaries. Every land, that is, until the city of Kyrene. The garrison was tiny, our army massive, and so it was decided that to punch 1 hole in the wall of the city would be more than enough, and so only one ram was built.

When the time came to attack, however, we realized we had overlooked something. Our engineers had built the ram at the northern side of our besieging circle around the city, right in the middle of the forest, AND YOU CAN'T MOVE SIEGE EQUIPMENT THROUGH THE BLOODY TREES!




Worry not, though. The engineers who built the ram have been assigned latrine duty for 20 years. One was unable to come to terms with spending the next 20 years cleaning the latrines with his bare hands. He tried to run away. He now cleans the toilet bowls with his tongue.

Tomorrow, we attack from the south!

[Cyrus]

|

Ah Ah Ah Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a hilarious stry, but why was the ram not in front of the city walls?

[Aemilius Paulus]

AND YOU CAN'T MOVE SIEGE EQUIPMENT THROUGH THE BLOODY TREES!!

You can actually. I have done this. I had a reinforcement army with rams start in a forest, and yes, it is true, I could not order the men to move it anywhere inside the boundaries of the forest. however, if you order the men to move it to a location outside a forest, they'll actually budge. I have no idea why you had this problem, unless you were role-playing it.

[Ibrahim]

just move the rams as close as possible to the south west-you would have succeeded

[Dayve]

Nope, i tried to move the ram just about everywhere on the map in the deployment phase, it wouldn't budge. I started the battle and tried to move the ram outside of the forest, they wouldn't move it. I couldn't go around the forest, all the way around the edges of the map, because every possible way was blocked by the red line.

I could do nothing but withdraw.

[Olaf Blackeyes]

EPIC LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!
Best story EVAR!!!!!!!!

[LordCurlyton]

Engineer 1: Right, we've found the proper tree for a ram, let's cut this baby down.
*Much cutting commences*
Engineer 2: So now that we've cut cut down this beautiful ram, shouldn't we move it into the open?
Engineer 1: What, and lose the redundancy all the other trees provide? Just imagine if we had a ram failure! You wouldn't want to be without a backup now would you?
Engineer 2:
Engineer 1: Precisely. Now let's get this ram to the...oh bugger.

[machinor]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! This clearly shows why the Romans won the Punic Wars: ridiculously superior siege engineering.

[Onehandstan]

Couldn't you just roll it down that steep hill?

[Ludens]

[Watchman]

Couldn't you just roll it down that steep hill?

Can you not see the trees!!
They move, I tells you. Seen it with me own eyes, I has.

...that *was* certainly one dastardly ploy for the Kyreneicans to pull. Maybe they spiked the engineers' wine or something?

[antisocialmunky]

Can you not see the trees!!
They move, I tells you. Seen it with me own eyes, I has.

...Birnam forest come to Dunsinane

[Megas Methuselah]

Once the soldiers realize that the ram is useless, they all simultaneously drop their weapons and run!

[HFox]

"Sir"
"What Sargent"
"We've built the ram sir, but....."
"But what"
"Well, as you said, there's a good supply of raw materials here sir but...."
"But what"
"Well sir, ....how do we get it out of the forest?"
"....?"
"....."
"....!"
"...."
"Summon the executioner!!!!"

[Elmetiacos]

Maybe if you built this giant wooden badger....

[Novellus]

This truly is an EB EPIC FAIL.

Other contenders:

AI cavalry charges into pikemen

LS (don't get me started)

I'm sure there's a whole list, but building a ram in the forest is one of the best! Failure is exactly the reason why society has standards

[SwissBarbar]

"Sir"
"What Sargent"
"We've built the ram sir, but....."
"But what"
"Well, as you said, there's a good supply of raw materials here sir but...."
"But what"
"Well sir, ....how do we get it out of the forest?"
"....?"
"....."
"....!"
"...."
"Summon the executioner!!!!"